Plath

I was sitting here thinking about how I've become complacent, how I haven't really been working hard on any issues or triggers lately, and trying to find something to analyze about myself.

It's true, I haven't been working much on my behaviors or triggers, as I've been trying to mostly focus on anxiety in therapy, and there's still tension in my household. I still react to triggers on a daily basis, but...

It's okay for me to just BE in the moment! I was enjoying my son, having a nice morning with him, and that's okay. I don't need to find something to beat myself or other people up with every day. Some days it's perfectly okay to just be here, feel content, and not worry about what I need to be fixing about myself.

That was a nice feeling.

I haven't posted on here lately, and just thought I would share.

BillyPilgrim

ok is ok
ok is much better than we were

Kialua

Yes, I think it's a great breakthrough to come to that realization. I'm happy for you.

JustAYak

REALLY??

Wow. That makes my life a lot easier. Haha, thanks Plath

dollydo

I like to live in the moment...so glad that you enjoyed your "moment".

Plath

Thanks everyone!


Now it's off to see my therapist and do some digging... But, there must be a time and a place for everything, so here I go...

I am, by the way, still having a very enjoyable day, which is really cool.

Plath

You know, I've been told now by a psychiatrist as well as my therapist tonight that the degree of fear and anxiety that I describe to them is not something that will be helped much by therapy, and that I probably *need* a medication like an anti-depressant.
A huge purpose for me starting therapy was to start addressing the core roots of why the anxiety is there in the first place, so that I could get OFF of the anxiety medication that I take.

I was so deflated when my own therapist told me that that's what she really thought, and as I was driving home I found a part of me feeling angry and shameful towards myself for being "so screwed up" that only medication could fix me. I was contemplating just going home and not eating dinner at all when I caught myself.

I thought, "that's b#llsh*t. I have overcome a lot of issues in my life without medication, and I will overcome this one. I don't care how long it takes me. I'm not schizophrenic or bipolar, and I'm not particularly depressed, clinically speaking, and I am going to do this! And I'm going to go home and eat a healthy dinner, because I love myself."

And it's true, I used to have panic attacks out of the blue, for no apparent reason; when I realized finally what was happening, I would catch the panic attack starting to happen, and think "oh, I'm just having a panic attack, this has nothing to do with reality", and they went away. Now, I can have panic attacks if they're triggered by something super stressful, but they're never just random anymore.

I am proud to say the same thing about certain OCD behaviors that I used to have. I would mentally type everything I read as I was reading it, or count my steps in rhythm while I was walking, etc. But, when I realized that it was classified as OCD behavior and that it wasn't something everybody did (I never gave the behavior much thought or felt compelled to do it, I just did it), it just stopped. Because I realized that it wasn't necessary.

So. I'm really happy that I caught myself before the shaming really took over, and that I am deciding to stick to my guns with this. I don't need medication, I functioned for many years without it, and I know that I can get back to that place.

For once, I am not afraid to overcome and work through the anxiety issues, and maybe it's because someone told me that I can't.
I know for a fact that there are many of you on here who have worked through fear and anxiety issues who are not on medication. And if you can do it, so can I.

Most importantly, I just know deep in my heart that I CAN do it, so I will.

Thanks for letting me share about this, I pulled myself from the brink of self-loathing and shame tonight, and I'm really very proud of myself.

Willybluedog

I am so proud of you Plath, you are doing a great job. And most importantly you are doing what is right for you, in your own way, in your own time and space.

EveningRose

Oh, shoot! I thought typing everything in my head as I hear it spoken or read was helping my typing skills!

Your post is beautiful, an inspiration, and a great reminder. Thank you.

Kialua

LOL, I interpret in my head. (I do ASL)

Plath

Ha ha, EveningRose; it's funny because when I used to do that, I was amazingly fast and accurate when I typed, and now I make typos all the time! Heh.

I also found myself starting to have a small-scale panic attack as I was re-reading what I posted last night, and I realized that I was trying to shove the anxiety down rather than allowing myself to feel it.

So I shut my laptop for a minute, focused a bit on my breathing, what I was feeling, why I was feeling it, and I realized that I was feeling a fear of "standing up" to "authority figures", and it was creating a wave of anxiety for me.
I trust my therapist, and I like her, but I still view her as somewhat of an authority figure, like all of the doctors I've been having to deal with lately. The fact that I disagree with her and haven't really hit it off with other doctors I've gone to lately creates intense anxiety for me, because somewhere in my mind I think that if I disagree with them or "stand up" to them, they could "do something" to me.

I was so glad that I took just a few minutes to allow myself to feel the anxiety and see it for what it was, because then it just kind of subsided.

What a relief!
I firmly believe that with enough steps like these, I will be able to find my way into living my own solution--not what someone else thinks my solution should be, but MY solution.

I just need practice, patience, and some love for myself.

Plath

Lol, Kialua.

I figure we just learn these things as a way of drowning out the chaos around us, but it's funny that a lot of us do things like that, even if we're not technically obsessive-compulsive.