Keyn

My memory is kaput. It has gotten so bad that even as I look at pictures of my kids as babies I don't have any memories of them as babies. The last 20 years are just a blur. A therapist said that what my brain is doing may be because of trauma. She said the physical development may have been altered by what I went through so that I remember things pertinent to survival, and the rest just whisks away as 'unimportant'. Because life has been normal for two decades, nothing is there in my memories.

I hate it. I hate looking at my sweet little girls and wondering, "How did we get here? I can't even remember." I listen as my wife tells me that I lived in the hospital for two weeks when the youngest was on a ventilator for RSV, and I can't even recall it. I look at pictures she took from that time and they're alien to me. Almost like they're Photoshopped.

I'm just curious if anyone else has a similar issue?

Kialua

I for one, don't have any memory problem. That partly worries me though, I wish it was all a blur. But not happy times like the births of children. That is too bad.

My sisters both have no memory of our drunken father beating the rest of us daily. One of them particularly has no memory whatsoever to the point that in family AA therapy she screamed out in tearful panic, "stop talking like that , you're talking about MY father, how can you say such things?" and ran out crying. It totally shocked the rest of us.

My Mother always said that she didn't remember things happening and claimed to have so many strokes she would have won a Guinness book of records award. (must say she lived to 97 and extremely healthy so as not to sound cruel)

So I'm not surprised you have a degree of memory loss. It is probably what the therapist said, you trying to cope. I would inquire if he has any suggestions if it's possible to thwart that.

JustAYak

I remember everything traumatizing much too well, but remembering the good times of my childhood? It's nonexistent, like I never had any fun when I was a kid. I have very limited memory of my childhood...I know that I did have some "good times" when I was a child, but I can't remember hardly any of them. My therapist said the same thing yours did, but she said as I worked through the trauma, some things might come back to me.

Plath

I know that my mother remembers *everything* from her childhood, and her sister remembers almost nothing. My aunt is fine with remembering nothing, but they both do remember the positive things, too (at least in the years after they both left their house and their father died).

I've noticed for myself, however, that sometimes I remember weird details about how people have acted or behaved, or what they've said verbatim, but I forget other things that seem more consequential.

I still remember happy moments, but they do seem kind of blurred sometimes. I'm sure that your therapist is on to something, because things that have upset me terribly in life (childhood and adulthood) are much more vivid for me than my happier moments.

I'm sorry that you're experiencing that, and it reminds me of what you said on another thread about robbing ourselves of the peace we deserve. But, I believe wholly and with faith that if we all keep working at this, we will find our peace and be able to "handle" happiness as a normal way of life, rather than something to be feared or disregarded as we anticipate the next "bad thing".

GingerM

My sister remembers almost nothing up until around aged 13 or so that wasn't painful to her. I remember everything in movie form - I can see it all play out.

I agree that when you live in a world where survival is key, your brain develops differently than when life is fairly easy. I remember because remembering prevents me from forgetting what worked and what didn't work. My sister doesn't remember, perhaps because she was less "chip on the shoulder" than I was, she was much more scared and much less willing to stand up for herself. I was willing to fight back, she withdrew and became silent.

I don't know why we are so different. We weren't treated much differently. We both got the short end of the stick most of our lives at home. In fact, even at young ages (I remember this at 8, not sure if I was doing it earlier or not), I vividly remember taking the blame for something my sister did because I knew I could handle the fallout better than she could.

My memories as an adult, once I entered into my path of recovery, are not so vivid. One day blurs into the next. My husband will remind me about things we did, and while I may be able to dig the memory out of the dust bin in my head, it lacks the vivid detail of my memories as a child. What I do remember is how I felt when something was happening. And if the memory is traumatic, I remember it in vivid detail even if the memory was of an event that occurred when I was an adult.

Keyn, you might find the book The Trauma Spectrum very interesting. I didn't manage to read all the way through it (too triggering, even though it doesn't talk about family abuse or alcohol abuse or anything like that, the topic is about the amygdala in the brain, how it works and scientific studies on it - it's a fairly erudite book). What I did read made my inner workings make much more sense.

Ms.TimmyV

Nope. I don't remember much either. Bits, pieces and blurry stuff. My cousin doesn't understand how I don't remember our childhood. I've always known I've block out pieces of it. That's the only feasible answer. I also abused benzos and alcohol for a number of years so that might have something do with memory loss...as I got older. The childhood memories were never there. I can probably count on my fingers how many experiences I remember from the beginning to the end.

want2bloom

My memory is a blur. I don't remember hardly anything from childhood and only blinks from adulthood. I only remember like literally seconds from high school. Its so frustrating! I haven't yet figured out a way around it. Though sometimes if I constantly have my nose in a book, I tend to remember more of whats going on around me. Its as if I have to keep my brain in super high gear at all times in order to remember even just brief moments of whats going on around me.

Kialua

This is so interesting that most do not have memories. I have total recall of everything. Sometimes I wish I didn't. My husband is always awed at the level of detail when I recall events from last week or childhood.

My Dad had Alzheimer's, which they say may be hereditary. He had lost all his adult memories and only remembered his childhood, re-living his childhood. He would ask where his Mom was and when he was going to go home to her. It makes me shudder to think if that would happen to me, that my childhood memories are torture. Maybe instead, I would be happy and not ask where my folks were and hideout! Here's hoping!

Keyn

Thanks for the replies! It is helpful seeing how we all compare and contrast! For me, I remember all the childhood. It's as an adult once I was in the 'clear' that my memory begins to wane. It's frustrating, but I am working on spending more time compiling memories, and actively trying to build associations to recall them.

Here's to hoping we all can learn to release the power our memories have over us, and get to that point where we can relive the memories we want-- not be victims of the past any longer. (What a curiously long sentence! Hope my English Comp. professor isn't watching!)