When being angry every day is something you take for granted as "normal"
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Triggers
External things that happen (like noise, looks, whatever you lived with or fill in the blank ___________) can trigger you, which involves subconsciously reliving traumatic episodes in your childhood when you were helpless to alter or avoid it. We then experience the event all over again with physical reactions like increased heart rate, panic, and fear. This can cause us to have verbal or physical reactions like yelling, crying, throwing things or depression and withdrawal.
To be able to identify your specific triggers can help you head them off at the pass or at least alert your family to waiting it out with you.
External things that happen (like noise, looks, whatever you lived with or fill in the blank ___________) can trigger you, which involves subconsciously reliving traumatic episodes in your childhood when you were helpless to alter or avoid it. We then experience the event all over again with physical reactions like increased heart rate, panic, and fear. This can cause us to have verbal or physical reactions like yelling, crying, throwing things or depression and withdrawal.
To be able to identify your specific triggers can help you head them off at the pass or at least alert your family to waiting it out with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
That's a really good point, Kialua.
I often forget that my body does react to certain sounds, events, etc.
I was just realizing and noticing in more detail the other night that, if I hear my husband talking on the phone, opening his phone, texting, etc., that my body immediately becomes kind of frozen, as I am suddenly trying to be as quiet as I possibly can so that I can *listen*.
This, I can only assume, is due to dating a guy for ten years who was constantly lying to me, packing up his stuff in the middle of the night and leaving while I slept, dating "ex" girlfriends, etc. Which of course only added a million tons of weight to my already existing abandonment issues.
While I realize intellectually that my husband doesn't do things like that, my reaction has become so ingrained that my body immediately reacts in addition to my behavior.
I also experience a fear that he might be talking about me in a negative way (which he rarely does around other people, unless he just has to vent a bit), as that was also a part of my childhood and early relationships that I learned to become hyper-vigilant about.
I usually have to ask "who were you talking to?", but I am able to half-joke about it now, because I know that I'm just reacting to past events that still affect me emotionally (and physically!), but aren't actually existing in my present life.
It's weird how much I can learn about this type of thing just from one or two comments.
I often forget that my body does react to certain sounds, events, etc.
I was just realizing and noticing in more detail the other night that, if I hear my husband talking on the phone, opening his phone, texting, etc., that my body immediately becomes kind of frozen, as I am suddenly trying to be as quiet as I possibly can so that I can *listen*.
This, I can only assume, is due to dating a guy for ten years who was constantly lying to me, packing up his stuff in the middle of the night and leaving while I slept, dating "ex" girlfriends, etc. Which of course only added a million tons of weight to my already existing abandonment issues.
While I realize intellectually that my husband doesn't do things like that, my reaction has become so ingrained that my body immediately reacts in addition to my behavior.
I also experience a fear that he might be talking about me in a negative way (which he rarely does around other people, unless he just has to vent a bit), as that was also a part of my childhood and early relationships that I learned to become hyper-vigilant about.
I usually have to ask "who were you talking to?", but I am able to half-joke about it now, because I know that I'm just reacting to past events that still affect me emotionally (and physically!), but aren't actually existing in my present life.
It's weird how much I can learn about this type of thing just from one or two comments.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I don't know how you resolve things like cleaning because it seems like those things are so ingrained, it's like telling someone who is a type A to slow, down, smell the roses, and loosen up a little.
Certain things make me nuts, leaving all the cabinet doors open (because I am tall and tend to hit my head on them more), just throwing all the tupperware loose into the cabinet ( I put dinner away and get lunches ready for work and school) and not using the hair trap (guess who gets to clean out the drain). Other things I can live with as long as they don't directly impact my chores.
Maybe you can make a chart of what makes each of you nuts and try to become more aware and find ways to resolve problems before they become arguements.
Certain things make me nuts, leaving all the cabinet doors open (because I am tall and tend to hit my head on them more), just throwing all the tupperware loose into the cabinet ( I put dinner away and get lunches ready for work and school) and not using the hair trap (guess who gets to clean out the drain). Other things I can live with as long as they don't directly impact my chores.
Maybe you can make a chart of what makes each of you nuts and try to become more aware and find ways to resolve problems before they become arguements.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 101
Originally Posted by Willybluedog 
I don't know how you resolve things like cleaning because it seems like those things are so ingrained, it's like telling someone who is a type A to slow, down, smell the roses, and loosen up a little.
Certain things make me nuts, leaving all the cabinet doors open (because I am tall and tend to hit my head on them more), just throwing all the tupperware loose into the cabinet ( I put dinner away and get lunches ready for work and school) and not using the hair trap (guess who gets to clean out the drain). Other things I can live with as long as they don't directly impact my chores.
Maybe you can make a chart of what makes each of you nuts and try to become more aware and find ways to resolve problems before they become arguements.
Certain things make me nuts, leaving all the cabinet doors open (because I am tall and tend to hit my head on them more), just throwing all the tupperware loose into the cabinet ( I put dinner away and get lunches ready for work and school) and not using the hair trap (guess who gets to clean out the drain). Other things I can live with as long as they don't directly impact my chores.
Maybe you can make a chart of what makes each of you nuts and try to become more aware and find ways to resolve problems before they become arguements.
Yes, type A all the way. Neat, organized, likes to be in charge, can only see situations in a "this or that" type of way, etc. If he sees things tumbling out of control he will try to control it, and that includes people! I don't think it's malignant, just how he is.
BUT the cabinets doors, holy crap! I can't stand it. It looks so crazy to me, but he leaves them open. I bet if I went downstairs right now every last cabinet would be open. And yes, I get bent out of shape about the tupperware too for the same reason. If they are not stacked together it makes it hard to put things away...and it looks crazy!
I also neeeeed to know the exact time. Almost 3:00 just won't do.
We figured most of our differences out, the old fashion way, by fighting about it. I think we know that when when fall too far into our own ways things get tense.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Newport News, VA
Posts: 22
Plath,
I went through this, and still at times find myself in situations where this comes up. The following realizations helped me, and maybe they can give some insight for you.
I was ever-vigilant. Angry, judgmental, critical. It's a survival mechanism. In my childhood being vigilant, making snap judgments and being able to critique my environment and people around me was necessary to live. Excellent tools for survival and I recommend them to anyone living in real danger.
But.......My environment's changed. I was so used to it that even in adulthood, I found myself doing the same things. Occasionally I had fleeting moments of happiness, but never, EVER any peace. Good job, loving wife, beautiful kids. We were safe, warm, and healthy. No peace. Always inner turmoil. One day it hit me: I DON'T NEED TO SURVIVE ANYMORE. Here I was using survival mechanisms to try and live. Those tools no longer apply. Survival is irrelevant to me now.
We need to thrive as adults, not survive. Constant vigilance will keep us from the peace we need when life should be peaceful. Vigilance misapplied is not only a hindrance, it becomes downright destructive.
I went through this, and still at times find myself in situations where this comes up. The following realizations helped me, and maybe they can give some insight for you.
I was ever-vigilant. Angry, judgmental, critical. It's a survival mechanism. In my childhood being vigilant, making snap judgments and being able to critique my environment and people around me was necessary to live. Excellent tools for survival and I recommend them to anyone living in real danger.
But.......My environment's changed. I was so used to it that even in adulthood, I found myself doing the same things. Occasionally I had fleeting moments of happiness, but never, EVER any peace. Good job, loving wife, beautiful kids. We were safe, warm, and healthy. No peace. Always inner turmoil. One day it hit me: I DON'T NEED TO SURVIVE ANYMORE. Here I was using survival mechanisms to try and live. Those tools no longer apply. Survival is irrelevant to me now.
We need to thrive as adults, not survive. Constant vigilance will keep us from the peace we need when life should be peaceful. Vigilance misapplied is not only a hindrance, it becomes downright destructive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Where the buffalo roam
Posts: 370
Originally Posted by Keyn
Occasionally I had fleeting moments of happiness, but never, EVER any peace. Good job, loving wife, beautiful kids. We were safe, warm, and healthy. No peace. Always inner turmoil.
...Constant vigilance will keep us from the peace we need when life should be peaceful. Vigilance misapplied is not only a hindrance, it becomes downright destructive.
...Constant vigilance will keep us from the peace we need when life should be peaceful. Vigilance misapplied is not only a hindrance, it becomes downright destructive.
I actually remember saying to my best friend, when we were teenagers (and she was annoyed by my constant state of worry), that "if I don't worry about it now, I'll have to worry about it later" or something to that effect.
It makes so much sense to an ACA, but I have a suspicion that that's not really the way things work.
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