GingerM

I could, and she would honor my wishes. Then she would be driven insane by all the doubt and fear gnawing at her with no way to vent it. And then I wouldn't be able to look myself in the mirror. It doesn't hurt me to hear what my dad's saying, and in a way it helps.

For one thing, I know what I've got to deal with (a father whose mind has finally completely unraveled). For another, I know what my mom is facing and can help her maintain some degree of groundedness. It also helps to maintain her trust in me, which is critical right now as I'm the only person she has to support her emotionally and to keep her finances and other miscellany in order (she called once saying her water heater was leaking - it took about 5 minutes for me to finally get enough information to know that her water heater was perilously close to exploding.)

I am doing good in a situation which is layer upon layer of bad. What little light I can bring into this world, I will. That's part of being able to look at myself in the mirror.

It would be nice if we weren't in this situation in the first place, but here we are. My mom has changed, she used to be very fearful and paranoid. She is no longer behaving that way towards me or my sister. She now turns to me for comfort and support - she too is an ACoA, and she has never had anyone seem to care for her without expecting something in return. Even through the dementia, she is beginning to come alive and into her own. She is in her 70s. If I can give her the gift of feeling loved and cared about and safe before she dies, what little harm and effort it is from me will be well worth it.

Kialua

This is very difficult I know. My A Dad had Alzheimer's after he sobered up at 83. How far is your Mother progressed with her dementia? Does she need to be institutionalized? Is she safe living alone? This may be the next level of bad you will be facing, but it will also be a relief. And as always we will understand.

GingerM

For now, yes she's safe living alone - with a little help. It's very traumatic to move a person with dementia, which is why I'm putting a fair amount of effort into keeping her in the same house. She has cleaning ladies who come every other week, and a yard guy who comes once a week. And I come once a week to pay the bills and check on things like kitchen cleanliness and garbage/recycling being taken out so stuff doesn't build up. I also do little odds and ends chores that I see that she may not ever take care of, do her filing, make decisions about various bits of mail that she's unsure what to do with etc. I spend anywhere from an hour to 5 hours there on Saturday mornings.

She hasn't progressed terribly far into it. She forgets a lot of things, she forgets things she's told me and wants to know where I got the information from. She forgets sometimes that I work and can't drop what I'm doing to come over. But she still knows how to get to various necessary places (grocery store, post office, doctor/dentist, my house, the jail, etc.) and it's only when she goes someplace unfamiliar (or downtown where there's a ton of one-way streets and weirdness) that she really needs my help. It took me a month to teach her how to get to her therapists office, and that is a fairly simple drive, much of the way she was already familiar with.

After my dad was incarcerated though, she pretty much stopped drinking (I may have done a little encouraging on that... ). I haven't seen her eyes that clear in decades. While stopping drinking won't stop the progression, it seems to have slowed down a fair bit. She has learned how to use email, she's learning how to do online searches for businesses and recipes, and she's learning how to use her cell phone (we gave her my husband's old droid phone so that if she got lost, would could find her by putting her on google latitude). She loves using google contacts and google calendar, but she still doesn't trust them completely and continues to use hardcopy in tandem with the google versions.

She's also building self-esteem and some days actually seems happy (usually when she hasn't heard from my dad in a few days). I have never seen my mom happy before. (Not alcohol induced happy, just happy).

I hope to keep her in that house as long as I can. And when I think it's not safe anymore? Then she and I will talk. She's already said she wouldn't necessarily mind living in a retirement community where there's more socialization. So it's not impossible, and she probably wouldn't resist too strongly.

But for now, with a little oversight, yes, she's safe living alone. The neighbors are great too (well, the ones living across the street). I've spoken with the ones across the street from her and they know the whole story of what's going on (the rest of the neighborhood just knows that "my dad is not currently living with my mom and the family doesn't know if he ever will again."). The ones across the street watch her newspaper box to make sure the paper comes in - she always gets her paper first thing in the morning to read with her tea. As long as the paper gets taken in, things should be okay. But they have every possible means of contacting me at any time of day or night, and the Mrs. of the house works from home doing book keeping, so she sees what's going on in the neighborhood.

That takes a fair burden off of me - I don't have to call her daily to check on her, although I do so if I know she's upset and agitated. But when things are more calm, I may only speak with her on Saturdays and by email.

I didn't mention this, but I'm pretty high up in the company I work for and have been working 70+ hour weeks since about early October. It will probably continue through early March at that pace (that's why most of my posts are at dark o'clock in the morning). So I really don't have the time to have oversight of my mom completely on my shoulders. I'm really appreciative of the neighbors, as I know they've called her before when they thought the paper had been in the box too long.

I know the day will come when she won't be able to live on her own, but I'm hoping that with the severely decreased alcohol consumption (which I'm highly encouraging about, and as she's not used to being complimented or encouraged, such positive reinforcement quite literally makes her glow and therefore carries more weight than it might with others) it will take longer for her to get to that point.

I have never loved my mom. She was physically and emotionally abusive and chaotic when I was growing up and now she's something of a non-entity. But I am a caring human, and from humanitarian standpoint, I am taking care of her to the best of my ability. She perceives it as love, and I won't disabuse her of the thought. She's no longer abusive, which I think is part of the dementia, but she and I have absolutely nothing in common and nothing to talk about. That's okay - she doesn't need a conversation, she just needs someone to talk TO. She rarely is looking for an actual conversation. I can listen with one ear while doing other things. As long as she knows she can reach me, she's fine. She does panic if I don't answer my cell phone though; so I gave her permissions through google calendar to see my calendar, and she looks there first to see if I have an appointment before panicking.

In some ways, she's really blooming now. I don't think she wants to go back to living with my dad. That will be the next hurdle, but I'm putting that on the "worry about later" pile. When it comes to pass, then I'll deal with it. For now, I have enough going on.

Seren

My mother and aunt had the same attitude toward their mother. I don't think either one of them truly loved her, but they did have compassion for her in her final years and did what they could to make sure she was safe and as comfortable as possible.

It sounds as though you are doing quite well given the circumstances and your available time and resources.

My very best thoughts and wishes to you. May you find moments of peace and joy in your busy days.

EveningRose

Which is really all our lives should be about in the end, anyway. And I think for ACoA's, it may be our saving grace, after years of being made to feel worthless, fools, screw-ups, etc., to live in exactly this way and know deep within that we are worthy.

My siblings will be there for my parents if/when they need that kind of care. If for whatever reason, they aren't, and it falls to me, I assume I will step up to the plate, but your example, Ginger, helps everyone. Thank you.

My prayers are with you in this very difficult situation.

MsPINKAcres

Ginger,

beautiful words to describe our SR place & family ~

I understand your compassion and care for your Mom ~ my mom is 70 yrs old too. She will never change - she doesn't want to and I see it as a living amends. I know in my life I did things that probably hurt her (intention or unintention) At least I will know that I did my part. Just as you will know you have done yours.

Prayers of peace and comfort for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita