Dont know what to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 5
Dont know what to do.
I am hoping that this is the right section to post this in........
Okay to start off my mum has a marijuana addiction........
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and she can arrive anytime now. (Sooner rather then later hopefully). My mum has been great helping us out and stuff but I approched the subject of her smoking marijuana a couple of days ago. And now I am the worst person in the world.
I have told her that I dont want her smoking around my baby or having the stuff there when we visit or when she is baby sitting. I really dont feel like I am being unreasonable. She smoked before and during my wedding day, and at my grandpas funeral finding time and a place to sneak off for a joint seemed more important at the time.
She claims that I am blackmailing her and I have no right to judge or say those things.
I am in a bind and dont know what to do. i dont want her to be left out and miss out on seeing her first grandchild because she is so excited.
Am I being too hard and doing the wrong thing?
Okay to start off my mum has a marijuana addiction........
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and she can arrive anytime now. (Sooner rather then later hopefully). My mum has been great helping us out and stuff but I approched the subject of her smoking marijuana a couple of days ago. And now I am the worst person in the world.
I have told her that I dont want her smoking around my baby or having the stuff there when we visit or when she is baby sitting. I really dont feel like I am being unreasonable. She smoked before and during my wedding day, and at my grandpas funeral finding time and a place to sneak off for a joint seemed more important at the time.
She claims that I am blackmailing her and I have no right to judge or say those things.
I am in a bind and dont know what to do. i dont want her to be left out and miss out on seeing her first grandchild because she is so excited.
Am I being too hard and doing the wrong thing?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
You are absolutely doing the right thing. You have a right (and a responsibility) to expect that illegal, mind-altering substances be kept away from your baby. I would just tell her you don't judge her or want to make her choices for her, but that anyone caring for your child needs to be free of intoxicants.
Don't let her make you feel guilty. To someone that is high all the time, it seems perfectly normal to get stoned for any and every activity including watching a child. But it really isn't normal.
And remember, you are not the one making the choice here to put drugs before a child.
Don't let her make you feel guilty. To someone that is high all the time, it seems perfectly normal to get stoned for any and every activity including watching a child. But it really isn't normal.
And remember, you are not the one making the choice here to put drugs before a child.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 5
I have told her that I dont care what she does when we are not there, she can smoke all she likes but she thinks that I am attacking her. Its hurting me that she cant see what is happening and my husband is beggining to hate my family which is hard aswell,
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
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Hello JLCee, and pleased to "meet" you 
Yes this is the right section, you are most welcome here.
No, you are doing just fine. What you are doing is called "boundaries", and it means you are protecting your unborn child, and yourself, from the harmful effects of your mother's addiction.
Dealing with addiction in a loved one is incredibly difficultand emotionally exhausting. There are a lot of suggestions on how to do this, as well as tons of information on the whole issue of addiction. You can find them at the top if this forum, they're called "sticky" posts.
There is also a lot of information in the two forums "next door" that deal with alcohol and drugs in a loved one.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take a little time to browse around the "sticky" posts, post any questions you have, or just to vent. We all know how frustrating and disheartening it can be because we have all lived with situations very similar to what you are going thru.
Welcome again
Mike
Originally Posted by JLCee 
... I am hoping that this is the right section to post .....
Originally Posted by JLCee
... Am I being too hard and doing the wrong thing?.....
Dealing with addiction in a loved one is incredibly difficultand emotionally exhausting. There are a lot of suggestions on how to do this, as well as tons of information on the whole issue of addiction. You can find them at the top if this forum, they're called "sticky" posts.
There is also a lot of information in the two forums "next door" that deal with alcohol and drugs in a loved one.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Take a little time to browse around the "sticky" posts, post any questions you have, or just to vent. We all know how frustrating and disheartening it can be because we have all lived with situations very similar to what you are going thru.
Welcome again
Mike
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Welcome.
You have really good instincts, listen to them and don't doubt yourself. This is not going to be easy for you, is it? Your life is changing now with the new baby. You are the mother bear watching out for your cub. The baby's safety comes first, period. No bs from your Mom allowed. You don't have to listen to her side or ask anything. Lay down the law and if she doesn't like it too bad for her.
You have your family now and you need to close ranks to survive the emotional battle ahead. Your Mom will disappoint you and not come through for you when you most need it if she is still addicted.
You may want to think about distancing yourself from you Mom, first emotionally and then physically. There are a few threads where we have discussed that, it might be interesting for you.
Good luck, hang in there. It's so sad that you have to go through this now and I'm sorry. But we have done it and so can you.
You have really good instincts, listen to them and don't doubt yourself. This is not going to be easy for you, is it? Your life is changing now with the new baby. You are the mother bear watching out for your cub. The baby's safety comes first, period. No bs from your Mom allowed. You don't have to listen to her side or ask anything. Lay down the law and if she doesn't like it too bad for her.
You have your family now and you need to close ranks to survive the emotional battle ahead. Your Mom will disappoint you and not come through for you when you most need it if she is still addicted.
You may want to think about distancing yourself from you Mom, first emotionally and then physically. There are a few threads where we have discussed that, it might be interesting for you.
Good luck, hang in there. It's so sad that you have to go through this now and I'm sorry. But we have done it and so can you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 5
Thanks for the welcome. I dont want to exclude her but I have to. Im playing the tough love card with her now. One day she might see the light who knows, I can only hope. There is only so much I can do for her. I ask when I am around there if she really needs to have that joint and why. Sometimes she puts it down, probably only till I leave and sometimes she doesnt. She has always smoked pot but only socially, then she hurt her back last year and claimed that it easied the pain (Dont know how true that is) And now its every night when she gets home from work. Just feel like giving her a good slap at the moment.
I dont want to exclude her but I have to. Im playing the tough love card with her now. One day she might see the light who knows, I can only hope. There is only so much I can do for her. I ask when I am around there if she really needs to have that joint and why. Sometimes she puts it down, probably only till I leave and sometimes she doesnt. She has always smoked pot but only socially, then she hurt her back last year and claimed that it easied the pain (Dont know how true that is) And now its every night when she gets home from work. Just feel like giving her a good slap at the moment.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
JLCee, welcome to you, so glad you found us, hang in there, and stick to your guns, if you hang tough from the start it will be easier to maintain your boundaries.
Hope everything works out for you, congatulations on the baby.
Bill
Hope everything works out for you, congatulations on the baby.
Bill
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Good for you. Be careful and don't trust her with your baby, ever. I know that sounds harsh but it's about safety. It will be tempting when you are tired and stressed and time wears on, and she talks a good game about loving her grandchild but keep safety in mind. Good luck.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You hope you made the right decision?
I guess I should first ask, is Marijuana illegal in Australia? (sorry, I'm honestly not sure).
Even if it's legal, let's look at it this way: second hand smoke is a known killer. Marijuana is unfiltered and may be even worse than cigarette smoke. Would you allow a smoker to come in to your house with your newborn baby and smoke away? I wouldn't.
So intoxicant aside, the smoke itself is bad for your baby.
Now, would you allow someone who is obviously impaired in judgment (let's say, someone who had recently experience a concussion - completely physical in causation, but nonetheless impaired) to watch your baby? I wouldn't.
The two together? Bad plan. So far as I'm concerned, health of the baby will trump social niceties any day.
And Mike hit it spot on - it's all about setting boundaries and saying this is what you will and will not allow around YOUR baby and in YOUR house. If she wants to smoke weed in around a baby, she can go have her own baby.
I guess I should first ask, is Marijuana illegal in Australia? (sorry, I'm honestly not sure).
Even if it's legal, let's look at it this way: second hand smoke is a known killer. Marijuana is unfiltered and may be even worse than cigarette smoke. Would you allow a smoker to come in to your house with your newborn baby and smoke away? I wouldn't.
So intoxicant aside, the smoke itself is bad for your baby.
Now, would you allow someone who is obviously impaired in judgment (let's say, someone who had recently experience a concussion - completely physical in causation, but nonetheless impaired) to watch your baby? I wouldn't.
The two together? Bad plan. So far as I'm concerned, health of the baby will trump social niceties any day.
And Mike hit it spot on - it's all about setting boundaries and saying this is what you will and will not allow around YOUR baby and in YOUR house. If she wants to smoke weed in around a baby, she can go have her own baby.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 5
Yes its illegal in Australia.
My mum doesnt relise how much this is hurting me and stressing me out. I have pointed out the facts to her and what it is doing to her. I dont want to cut her out cos I do love her but she is pushing me away and telling me that I am blackmailing her.
My mum doesnt relise how much this is hurting me and stressing me out. I have pointed out the facts to her and what it is doing to her. I dont want to cut her out cos I do love her but she is pushing me away and telling me that I am blackmailing her.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Someone addicted to a substance is going to say whatever they can to defend their drug use and protect their habit.
I would strive to ignore the guilt trips, remain firm and keep repeating the same words: "I will not have illegal drugs or intoxicated people around my child. This is not a point upon which I am able to negotiate."
That will make it clear there is just no room or point in discussing this. The safety and well-being of your child is not negotiable.
I would strive to ignore the guilt trips, remain firm and keep repeating the same words: "I will not have illegal drugs or intoxicated people around my child. This is not a point upon which I am able to negotiate."
That will make it clear there is just no room or point in discussing this. The safety and well-being of your child is not negotiable.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Victoria, Australia
Posts: 5
Been told to F off and I am not welcome at her place anymore. She gets defensive like that when she knows that i am right. And deep down she knows it, she is just to bloody pig headed and stuborn to admit it sometimes.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
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Someone who treats you poorly, plays mind games with you, abuses illegal substances... has told you that your not welcome at their place anymore? Seems like a winning situation to me - you don't have to do the confrontation, but you get the end result that is best for you.
I always considered it something of a favor when someone was trying to manipulate me by telling me they didn't want me to [speak to them, see them, interact with them] anymore. It meant I didn't have to do the hard part. I could honor their boundaries as they set them, and still get things the way I wanted them. I've been known to thank people for asking me to never speak to them again.
I always considered it something of a favor when someone was trying to manipulate me by telling me they didn't want me to [speak to them, see them, interact with them] anymore. It meant I didn't have to do the hard part. I could honor their boundaries as they set them, and still get things the way I wanted them. I've been known to thank people for asking me to never speak to them again.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
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Originally Posted by JLCee
Been told to F off and I am not welcome at her place anymore. She gets defensive like that when she knows that i am right. And deep down she knows it, she is just to bloody pig headed and stuborn to admit it sometimes.
The way she's acting, she might as well take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "Yup, I admit it, I'm hopelessly addicted to weed, and I can't even stand to give it up long enough to visit my grandchild." That message will be loud and clear to everyone who knows what's going on.
T
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