pacificsunrise

hello everyone,

normally i don't post on this forum as it is my husband who is a drug user. i just wanted to ask for your opinion if you guys feel like sharing. my kids are very young, 5 yr old, 2 yr old, and a newborn. i have left with them 8 months ago. i have not made an effort for my husband to see the kids and left it up to him to seek legal avenues to see them. he did not take any legal action in order to see them and did not even meet w/ my lawyer. so, in 8 months we all have spent about 5 days together when the new baby came and that was it.

i wanted to ask the adult children what would you all do if you had the choice at the time you were children or what do you wish your parents would have done? i appreciate all the input.

hugs and prayers to you all.

GingerM

I wished this wish so much that I begged my parents for it: I wished I had been raised by my grandparents. I asked my parents to let me go live with them, my grandparents asked my parents to let me go live with them. Obviously it didn't happen. As a result, between the ages of 9 and 24, I attempted suicide quite literally more times than I can keep count of.

Be honest with your kids (in an age appropriate manner, of course), tell them, when they're ready, why you didn't go out of your way to keep them in contact with their dad (mostly because he put forth no effort, it sounds like). But they'll be much better off for not having him in their life.

Just because they share DNA doesn't mean that he's a good person to keep in their lives.

I might also look into the legal aspects, particularly, if the father has no contact and doesn't contribute financially, how long do you have to wait before you can ask the court to revoke his parental rights? It may save you severe heartache and save your kids severe emotional turmoil later.

Willybluedog

I just had this conversation with my dad this weekend.

My mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, she drank, they fought, she cheated on him, he got a mistress.

What a freaking mess, I wish to this day that he had divorced my mom and married his mistress, she was a very nice lady with an alcoholic husband.

My mom is a mean, self-absorbed aloholic who is killing herself (albeit slowly). I used to hate my mom but now I am just indifferent to her and her drinking.

Anyway you need to take care of your children, your husband does not seem remotely interested in being a good dad.

IMO, you can do much better for them without him.

dollydo

For the 1st 7 years of my life, I was raised by my mothers parents, spent the weekdays with them and the weekends with my fathers parents.

At age 7, I moved in with my mother, an alcoholic, spent almost 8 years of hell with her and her alcoholic husbands.

At age 15, I moved in with my father and his wife, both were alcoholics...at age 18 I moved out and never looked back.

I wish I could have spent my entire 18 years with my grandparents, they were my rock.

Living in the home of an alcoholic/drug addict is pure and simple hell. I would not wish that on any child, I am 64 years old and I still bear the scars of being raised in a toxic enviorment.

I would have rather had 1 good parent that I could depend on, rather than live in a toxic enviorment with two parents who never had their priorities straight.

Children carry their childhood into adulthood, it is enough to inherit the gene to be predisposed to addiction without being exposed to all the addiction nonsense day in and day out.

I lived it, I hated it, I paid the price for my parents insanity.

dbh

My mom divorced my father when I was 15-years-old. Although I remember being sad at the time, it was the best thing she could have done for our family and I have since learned to admire the strength that she needed to leave.

Our life wasn't perfect after the divorce by any means. My mom never worked on her own issues and continued with a lot of her dysfunctional tenancies even without my father around.

However, our home became a safe place. No more wondering if or when my father would come home, what condition he would be in when he got there, and no more running and hiding to avoid being abused.

Children need to feel safe and they need routines. Life with an addict is chaotic, unpredictable, and NOT SAFE.

He stayed in our lives until he died last year. He was an alcoholic his entire life. We would get together at a diner for holidays and keep in touch with phone calls and cards. He was always on the perimeter and not truly a father. He mostly served as a source of embarrassment for me while growing up. Since working on my own recovery I've been able to have more empathy for him. I cried when he passed away and I actually miss him in a strange way.

My mother got remarried. She married a good man the second time around. We moved to a new house and we finally had two parents at home that cared about what we were doing. My mother wasn't really emotionally available when living with my father. My stepfather walked me up the aisle on my wedding day. Their marriage is strong and it served as a good example for me of what a healthy relationship should look like.

My brother, sister, and I still have our issues. None of us are addicts and we all ended up with advanced academic degrees. I hate to think what would have happened to us if my mom stayed with my dad.

I don't think children should live in a home with an active addict (period). They need to be protected and eventually taught how to protect themselves.

That's my ESH.

Wishing you and your children a wonderful future.

db

dbh

Just wanted to add a couple more things.

Children also need to hear that this is NOT THEIR FAULT.

Can't tell you how many times we heard that our father didn't love us that he only loved himself. Made me sort of think that if I could just get him to love me more, maybe he would get "better".

I have since come to believe that addiction as nothing to do with love.

Also, my mother didn't protect us from my father's behavior. There were so many broken promises, he didn't provide for us, and would actually borrow money from his children! My mother would used these events as opportunities to show us what a bad person my father was.

We already knew that what he was doing wasn't right. If anything, I needed to find some good underneath all the bad in my father.

I sort of wish she would have used our interactions with him as learning opportunities on setting boundaries. Sort of wish she was our voice when we were too young to have one. Wish she taught us what was and wasn't acceptable and what we could do about it.

I'm almost 50 and I'm still learning how to set boundaries with difficult people!

Thanks for the topic and for letting me share.

db

MsPINKAcres

I hate so much that you are in this situation - It is a very tough place to be -

I will add my thoughts & prayers for you to have guidance and wisdom to know what is best in your situation. . .

This is my e, s, & h. . .

Both of my dads (dad and step-father) had issues with alcohol ~ it affected our household, my mom and me ~ I learned unhealthy behaviors at a very young age!

I dated men with issues with alcohol/drugs and married my ex ah who is an alcoholic/addict ~ my daughters had the pains of being raised in that type of environment, being embarrassed by his behaviors in front of their friends, broken promises, etc. . .

Now, I'm raising my 7 yr old granddaughter because my step-son is an alcoholic/addict. I get to see her suffer from his irresponsibility - most of the time he makes promises he doesn't keep, he goes weeks, months without calling, the few times he does show up, he acts that the big Hero and promises the world and never follows thru.

I get to be the one that gets up all during the nite when she cries for him, help her when she has the nightmares, and goes thru other stress related problems.

I truly believe somedays she would be better off if he would just leave her alone rather than the up and down - the in and out ~ but that's just my thoughts from my years of dealing with this. . .

I was fortunate both my dad & step-dad got sober older in life - we were able to make amends and have great relationships. My girls don't have that.

There just isn't an easy answer to this - you just have to do what you feel is healthiest and best for you & your children!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

FML

I have a 9 year old boy. He was 3 when I left his biolgical father, who was on drugs and an alcoholic. That was 6 years ago. Since then I have remarried. The man who I married has become the "real" dad. He sees his bio dad ever so often but I have complete legal control over the circumstances, and would recommend you do the same.
My son has told me on multiple occasions that he is glad that his biolgical dad has made so many mistakes, because if he didnt then he wouldn't have the dad he has now. I know that sounds really messed up. But it's true and he is happy. He thinks he has the best dad in the world (hates when people say step dad) and lives with people who put his needs above their own. That wouldn't be the case if I stayed in a relationship with a drug addict.
I don't think you should make a huge effort to have the children see their father. It's good to let them know he cares, like talking on the phone. My sons dad took him on a train to Disney world with no cell phone, without telling me. I NEVER thought he would do something like that. That's what drugs do.
And BTW, I never considered getting back with him..but I did think that losing his family would be his rock bottom and he'd get his life together. Not the case, he's been in and out of rehab/jail ever since.

kudzujean

I wish my mother had left my father and taken us kids long before she did. I can't entirely fault her on that, it was decades ago, and in those days women didn't make
much money, and every woman was on her own when it came to arranging for child care.

In the end, she finally did leave him, three months before he died of alcoholism. We lived with my maternal grandparents that year.

My memories of my pre-school years are of living with a scary, unpredictable alcoholic father who wasn't working for more than a year before he died. I have no pleasant memories of him, and boy, do I wish my mother could have left him sooner.

Best to you!

Impurrfect

(((PS))) - I know it wasn't easy to come to this forum and ask the question. However, I'm really proud of you that you did. Though I wasn't raised with an alcoholic parent, the folks in this forum have become my friends, and I don't think you'd ever get a better, more truthful answer, than from someone who's been through it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JustAYak

I would leave. It sucked. Just plain sucked.

Kialua

Even though I would never tell someone to divorce and I'm against it in my own life and beliefs I always really really wondered why my Mother didn't leave my Alcoholic father when I was young. But now I know why. She was just as mean and abusive to us as he was without her drinking at all. They were a fine pair and she didn't care one bit what he did because she was just as bad.

So, if you can protect your children from the craziness by all means do it. Just don't let another man into their lives until they are grown. They can't handle that and who knows how that guy would turn out. Protect your children.

pacificsunrise

good evening everyone,

i just wanted to let you all know that i really appreciate all your responses. they do support everything i feel in my gut, but i guess i just wanted to ask. your honesty has opened my eyes to a bigger picture even though i've kind of known the answer deep down.

thank you for taking the time to respond and thank you for the encouragement. as of right now, i don't let my kids talk to my AH on the phone b/c it is just too much for them (it seems to me). it seems to bring up all the hurt of him not being around. if my daughter brings him up, i listen and tell her that i miss him too and that i'm sorry that we cannot see him right now, but i leave it at that. i am trying to figure out how i'm exactly going to talk to her about drugs. she is five. my son is 2 and doesn't really ask (he was only 16 months old when we left), i guess b/c he was too little to remember spending time w/ him.

once again, i just wanted to thank all of you for thinking of me and being supportive. i am sorry to hear about your families and the hurt that you have been through. hugs and prayers to you all and your families. take care and stay strong.

micealc

I dont mean to upset you but I thought I would let you Here this.
Im an Alcoholic/Drug Addict.......Clean and Sober for 25 years.
The most amazing thing about this Disease/Dysfunction is that we become one and Marry the other.
So something in you was drawn to the dysfunction in him.
Can you see the simularities in him....connected to one of your Caregivers.
Just something to look out for.

I know.......I became my Mother.........and I married my Father....Even though I am a Man.

Crazy I know....but thats what Happened.
When I say I became....I mean Emotionally affected/Infected.

FML

I waited to talk to my son about drugs. He was 3 when I left, he is 9 now. I didn't start talking to him about it until last year and even then I left a lot out. Before that I just told him that he was misbehaving and breaking rules (the law). I made sure, with as little detail as possible, that it wasn't safe for him to be alone with him (In our original agreement either paternal grandparent was suppose to be present during visitation. That wasn't the case when he took my 5 year old on a train to Florida without me knowing and no way for me to contact him.) I explained that he was NEVER EVER to go with him unless I told my son it was OK. Of course I didn't THINK he would try to kidnap him or anything, but I have a feeling not many people do.
Just let them know what they need to know to keep them safe. Their young minds do not need to be burdened with this, they need to be children. Thats what I told my son when he began asking in depth questions. He understood, and knows that when he gets older I will be here to answer them.

Kialua

Yes! I couldn't agree more FML. Very well said. I don't think enough people understand this.

Tell them only what they need to know, this is not their burden. It will not help them to know the details. I waited telling my daughter about my abusive alcoholic parents only telling her age appropriate reasons why we were not a close family. As little as possible as slow as possible. Good luck.

pacificsunrise

good evening everyone. thank you all so much for the input and for sharing your own stories w/ me.

anvil,
i don't mean to put you in a bad mood, but these three sentences have made my heart hurt for you. i am so sorry.

reading your post has made me think of my daughter (5 yr old) who is really having the hardest time with this all as of right now, as she is the oldest and has spend the most time w/ her dad. she absolutely adores him. being the oldest, she also seems to get somewhat less of the attention from me. and i don't mean it, but it gets hard having to attend to 2 yr old and a 7 week old and have enough time to spend with her. recently, she complained how no one wanted to play w/ her (meaning me or her brother) and it really hurt. it still hurts.

sometimes, i get so mad that i have to do everything by myself. however, i don't like to complain all the time, so i am hoping to find a way to balance my time out more equally. thank you for sharing your story as painful as it is and still seems to be. my hugs go to you. thank you.

dawnishere

Well, he is the father of your children; however, isn't it more important for the children to see their father when he is sober instead of going through confusion, despair, and anger at such a young age. Young children should not be around addicts when they use or be in an unhealthy environment. Recently I left my boyfriend in a two year relationship. He was sober for two years but he relapsed and started drinking and shooting up meth. The same routine goes everyday when he'd go out and never come home. He'd never text or call back. He'd come back for only five minutes to grab some stuff and leave to the drug dealer or tweaker's place. Majority of the time he'd have meth users come into the house or bring home random people or drug dealers. I couldn't put up with it anymore. All the people he associates with are drug addicts. He cannot stop and he'd rather be drunk and high which is his idea of "fun." It's not worth staying with an addict. They're still back in the past while everyone else is moving forward. It was difficult for me to leave him. I gave him more than four chances and he always went back. When I left him, I finally realized that he chose his addiction over our relationship; I had to move forward because that's where I want to go. The man that I fell in love with died a long time ago and he's never coming back. The thing that I was living with was just a monster. It was a stranger. I know it's frightening to be alone after a long term relationship but we must move on. Sometimes when we put faith and hope in others and they just don't seem to put effort or even try, it's a sign that they don't really want help or want to change for the good. They just want to stay the same for the worse and change for the worse. There's no point having a conversation with a monster/stranger because they are in a fantasy world where reality doesn't exist. Basically, he should only see the children when he sobers up.

pacificsunrise

dawnishere,

thank you for replying and for your perspective. sorry to hear about your situation. you have made the right choice for you by leaving and moving on with your life. that way at least you have a chance of having a healthy life.

thank you for the encouragement. hugs and prayers.