12april

Hi there,

I'm hoping someone can help me. I am an ACOA father. He has been an alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He is a functioning alcoholic as still hevworks he is 61.

He is extremely verbally abusive and over the years has started to become physically threatening and abusive (throwing things, pushing etc).

Last Thursday he threatened my 16 year old sister and my mum finally decide to leave.

They are staying with my husband and I and our baby daughter.

I'm am so worried about my mother and her mental health after years of abuse but also am crippled with guilt about my my father being left alone.

He as been drinking at least a bottle of hard spirits every day since thursday he is not eating has the house filthy he is filthy he has not gone to work.

I have other adult siblings who have no time for him and I feel responsible some how to ensure he is ok. He has broken the phones and therefore the only way to check on him is to go to the house which i ave been doing every day.
My husband has come with me as I am afraid to go alone. It kills me to think of him alone but I am afraid by going I am enabling him. I guess I dont know what to do and am finding I am disconnecting from my own life as a result. I am struggling to mind my baby. I just wish I knew what to do.

Thank you.

JustAYak

Leave him alone in his misery. All he's going to do is spread misery to you and your family until he decides he's lost everything and gets sober. Checking up on him will not keep him from drinking himself to death, however much we might try to stop it, we have no power over their addiction. I'm sorry you're going through this, but I do believe in order to be happiest, you have to keep your distance. It sounds like he is not particularly safe to be around either. Remember that your dad is choosing to drink, and he still has the choice to try and stop it. Do not let him make you feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong, you are simply protecting yourself and your family. He is sick right now.

Guilt has always been the hardest for me too, though my situation has been a bit altered. I felt guilty when my mom left my dad too, and felt like I needed to be his friend since I was all he had left really (my mom and sister took off and left me with my dad when I was younger). I found that if I wanted to live and breathe and be happy, I really had to get out of there. It just wasn't working.

Best wishes

Kialua

Welcome! I'm glad you don't go there alone. I'd check on him less than once a day though, like once a week, if you just have to. If you do some reading here you will find this common phrase: you didn't cause it, you cant control it and you can't cure it. Don't confuse guilt with care. Of course we care about our alcoholic but you can't let that hurt you or your family. Good luck.

dollydo

Welcome, you have come to the right place, lots of wonderful caring people, who have been or are going through exactly what you are.

My "A" is my mother, been drinking for 65 years, and at 2 months shy of 86, she is still slamming them down, how she is still alive is beyond me.

You and your families well being must come first, your father is an adult and will make his own decisions...good or bad. You cannot change or control him.

Speedy is right on the mark!

I would suggest that you read all the stickies in the Family & Friends Forums, both the Alcoholics and Substance Abuser areas, it will help you understand codependency and addiction.

Keep posting we are here for you.

Willybluedog

Welcome 12April, so glad you found your way here, my mom has been an alcoholic for over 40 years, she is mean and self-absorbed when she is drinking, she is destroying herself with alcohol and her doctor has told her she will die if she does not stop.

While I don't like her as a person, I lover her because she is my mother. I have had to diatnace myself from guilt over my inability to save her, I have to concentrate on my wife and kids, they are my priority.

I hope you can find some peace here, maybe your husband or another family member could stop by once or twice a week to check on your dad.

There is nothing you can do except to take care of yourself and your family, I hope you, your mom and sister will go to an al-anon meeting.

Please don't hesitate to come here and seek the support you need, or just vent about it, there is a tremendous amount of good advice here.

Best of luck to you, you and your family will be in my thoughts.

Bill

GingerM

Why? He is your father, he is an adult, he is capable of making decisions for himself and he has made one. He has chosen alcohol over his family, over his job and over everything else, including hygeine.

Is there a social services agency that you could contact (something like elder care) who could go check on him for you? That way someone would check things out, without it being you.

alas, the alcoholics in our lives care for two things, and two things only: alcohol and getting what they want (usually more alcohol). Your father seems to feel no compunction to stay in contact with your or your siblings - certainly not if he's broken the phones. If any other (non-related) person in your life was to treat you that way, would you feel you needed to take care of them? Or would you let them go on their way, making the decisions they make and go on living your own life?

It's very very difficult to let someone you love (or once loved, or even just think you should love) destroy themselves. Unfortunately, he is an adult and has the option of destroying himself in whatever manner he chooses. In some countries, you can try to get social services involved in the process, but even they have very limited powers in most places.

We can't make someone do what we want them to, and we can't change anyone's behavior other than our own.

I hope you find a way to come to peace.