We learn to reparent ourselves=This is so the Key for ME.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
We learn to reparent ourselves=This is so the Key for ME.
At Adult Children Of Alcoholics meetings and in ACA books we learn that we need to become out own loving parents. The ACA Solution states:
"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."
and
"You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting."
But beyond these lofty goals there is not a lot of explanation of the mechanics of how this is supposed to happen. Just how does one become a loving, nurturing parent to themselves when they haven't experienced this in real life? One cannot give what they do not possess. Or, as Drs. Cloud and Townsend have said, it's a bit like expecting a car with an empty gas tank to fill itself up.
And what if your internal parent is judgmental and harsh? Or exacting, intolerant and perfectionistic? Then you may be just replicating the past and reinforcing your own dysfunction. It's not enough to just come out of denial and face the pain of the past. That only goes so far. That pain needs to be comforted, that hurt child needs to be loved. This is perhaps the most important part of the process.
Here is an insight into the exercise of discovering your inner child AND becoming your own NURTURING parent:
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"First, one becomes conscious of his or her own inner child[At this stage I need to either do the Visualation technique on page 276of BRB or some other form of Connection with my Inner Child] Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult. Next, we learn to take our inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within: to listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now.
The often frustrated primal needs of that perennial inner child–for love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, understanding–remain the same today as when we were children. As pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us. But this is doomed to failure. What we didn’t sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, painful though it may be.
We should not as adults now expect others to meet all of these unfulfilled childhood needs. They cannot. Authentic adulthood requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of that inner child’s needs, for being a “good enough” parent to him or her now–and in the future."- Psychology Today, Stephen Diamond, Ph.D., practicing psychotherapist
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I believe that becoming your own parent is a big step with a large learning curve for those that did not get it when they were young. So be gentle and patient with yourself. Go slow. In trying moments, ask your child what they need from you most. Is it a hug? An understanding tone and reassurance that it's going to be alright? Or simply to be recognized that they are present?
At this Stage The Judgemental or Critical Parent will try to tell you to tell everyone else of your descovery..........been concious of this,............I can Pass on this Message if I please.I am not now takeing some un concious demand from my Judgemental Critical Parent.
If you feel resistance , ask yourself why. Is that your "judgmental" parent rearing it's ugly head, ready to scold you for having such foolish thoughts? Use this reaction not as a reason to further beat yourself up but simply to gauge how nurturing you are being to your own self right now.
Then ask your inner child how he or she feels and what they need from you here and now. Take a small step and be just a tad more nurturing to yourself than usual. And keep doing it consistently, especially during difficult situations when your inner kid needs you the most.
The more your inner child can trust you to be there for them, the more they will come out of the shadows to play and be free!
Re Parenting procedure for my Inner Child,assisted by my HP...I know I will need his Protection while doing this.
This is serious Teraphy....it will work if i work it,this is defenite.
"We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect."
and
"You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting."
But beyond these lofty goals there is not a lot of explanation of the mechanics of how this is supposed to happen. Just how does one become a loving, nurturing parent to themselves when they haven't experienced this in real life? One cannot give what they do not possess. Or, as Drs. Cloud and Townsend have said, it's a bit like expecting a car with an empty gas tank to fill itself up.
And what if your internal parent is judgmental and harsh? Or exacting, intolerant and perfectionistic? Then you may be just replicating the past and reinforcing your own dysfunction. It's not enough to just come out of denial and face the pain of the past. That only goes so far. That pain needs to be comforted, that hurt child needs to be loved. This is perhaps the most important part of the process.
Here is an insight into the exercise of discovering your inner child AND becoming your own NURTURING parent:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"First, one becomes conscious of his or her own inner child[At this stage I need to either do the Visualation technique on page 276of BRB or some other form of Connection with my Inner Child] Remaining unconscious is what empowers the dissociated inner child to take possession of the personality at times, to overpower the will of the adult. Next, we learn to take our inner child seriously, and to consciously communicate with that little girl or boy within: to listen to how he or she feels and what he or she needs from us here and now.
The often frustrated primal needs of that perennial inner child–for love, acceptance, protection, nurturance, understanding–remain the same today as when we were children. As pseudo-adults, we futilely attempt to force others into fulfilling these infantile needs for us. But this is doomed to failure. What we didn’t sufficiently receive in the past from our parents as children must be confronted in the present, painful though it may be.
We should not as adults now expect others to meet all of these unfulfilled childhood needs. They cannot. Authentic adulthood requires both accepting the painful past and the primary responsibility for taking care of that inner child’s needs, for being a “good enough” parent to him or her now–and in the future."- Psychology Today, Stephen Diamond, Ph.D., practicing psychotherapist
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe that becoming your own parent is a big step with a large learning curve for those that did not get it when they were young. So be gentle and patient with yourself. Go slow. In trying moments, ask your child what they need from you most. Is it a hug? An understanding tone and reassurance that it's going to be alright? Or simply to be recognized that they are present?
At this Stage The Judgemental or Critical Parent will try to tell you to tell everyone else of your descovery..........been concious of this,............I can Pass on this Message if I please.I am not now takeing some un concious demand from my Judgemental Critical Parent.
If you feel resistance , ask yourself why. Is that your "judgmental" parent rearing it's ugly head, ready to scold you for having such foolish thoughts? Use this reaction not as a reason to further beat yourself up but simply to gauge how nurturing you are being to your own self right now.
Then ask your inner child how he or she feels and what they need from you here and now. Take a small step and be just a tad more nurturing to yourself than usual. And keep doing it consistently, especially during difficult situations when your inner kid needs you the most.
The more your inner child can trust you to be there for them, the more they will come out of the shadows to play and be free!
Re Parenting procedure for my Inner Child,assisted by my HP...I know I will need his Protection while doing this.
This is serious Teraphy....it will work if i work it,this is defenite.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Thank you for this post. I believe that being a loving parent to myself is part of my recovery.
I realized this week that my Inner Child needs to be told how wonderful she is, just for being her--good, whole, wanted, beautiful, smart, cherished, creative, inventive, cared for.
My Inner Kid just wanted to be loved for being her.
This is a "missing piece" for me as an Adult.
I am thinking about starting a journal where I tell my Inner Child every day how special and loved she is.
I have a friend who is a wonderful parent. When her kids are being kids, she is never mad at THEM--she's mad about an action or behavior. I think of her when I'm being hard or mean to myself.
I realized this week that my Inner Child needs to be told how wonderful she is, just for being her--good, whole, wanted, beautiful, smart, cherished, creative, inventive, cared for.
My Inner Kid just wanted to be loved for being her.
This is a "missing piece" for me as an Adult.
I am thinking about starting a journal where I tell my Inner Child every day how special and loved she is.
I have a friend who is a wonderful parent. When her kids are being kids, she is never mad at THEM--she's mad about an action or behavior. I think of her when I'm being hard or mean to myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 216
micealc:
Thanks for this posting.
I do believe all of the dysfunction in my life is due to my inner child's fear. For some reason, I need to know the why's of my behaviors before I change them. I guess this comes from all the distrust of the adults in my life while growing up.
I have found some peace when I comfort my "little girl" when the world gets screwy all around me. I now realize it's the world that's screwy, I'm looking at all of this through that little girl's eyes.
This ACOA concept is also allowing me to look at my dysfunctional adult children and realize that they too must follow this path to recovery to get better. It has also helped me in detaching from their insanity. I cannot "fix" them, no more than my deceased parents can fix me today. I must own my own dysfunction, as they must own their's to get better.
Thanks for all this useful insight,
Huggs
Thanks for this posting.
I do believe all of the dysfunction in my life is due to my inner child's fear. For some reason, I need to know the why's of my behaviors before I change them. I guess this comes from all the distrust of the adults in my life while growing up.
I have found some peace when I comfort my "little girl" when the world gets screwy all around me. I now realize it's the world that's screwy, I'm looking at all of this through that little girl's eyes.
This ACOA concept is also allowing me to look at my dysfunctional adult children and realize that they too must follow this path to recovery to get better. It has also helped me in detaching from their insanity. I cannot "fix" them, no more than my deceased parents can fix me today. I must own my own dysfunction, as they must own their's to get better.
Thanks for all this useful insight,
Huggs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
The Weeping Child by S.L. Dawson
This poem can be a wake up call to our Inner Child,using He or She.
To save you girls the trouble of Putting in she,its done further down.
He sits out of the way - alone
Crying tears that no one sees
I try hard not to look his way
Afraid to hear his silent pleas
He shivers in terror, eyes wide and wild
Should someone pass too near
So I promise myself to hurry past
Quietly - so he won't hear
As I tiptoe by, I see a glint
Of something in his hand
He clutches it tight, and hides it away
I pass as quickly as I can
My heart aches for this little one
But how can I ease his pain
I've worked too hard, and came too far
To turn around again
Suddenly I'm stopped by a tall locked door
And can no longer move ahead
But no key have I to journey on
I must go back instead
This time as I pass the weeping child
I swallow my fears and kneel
And gently reach my arms to him
His pain I need to heal
He cautiously raises up his head
And reaches his hand to me
Then as his fingers slowly open
I see he possesses the key
The child I now hold in my arms
Is really a part of me
He is the little boy I was
The one I used to be
Now hand in hand we unlock the door
Our healing journey to begin
The future together we will face
Me and my child within
----------
I found this very powerful.
The Weeping Child by S.L. Dawson
She sits out of the way - alone
Crying tears that no one sees
I try hard not to look her way
Afraid to hear her silent pleas
She shivers in terror, eyes wide and wild
Should someone pass too near
So I promise myself to hurry past
Quietly - so she won't hear
As I tiptoe by, I see a glint
Of something in her hand
She clutches it tight, and hides it away
I pass as quickly as I can
My heart aches for this little one
But how can I ease her pain
I've worked too hard, and came too far
To turn around again
Suddenly I'm stopped by a tall locked door
And can no longer move ahead
But no key have I to journey on
I must go back instead
This time as I pass the weeping child
I swallow my fears and kneel
And gently reach my arms to her
Her pain I need to heal
She cautiously raises up her head
And reaches her hand to me
Then as her fingers slowly open
I see she possesses the key
The child I now hold in my arms
Is really a part of me
She is the little girl I was
The one I used to be
Now hand in hand we unlock the door
Our healing journey to begin
The future together we will face
Me and my child within
----------
I found this very powerful.
This poem can be a wake up call to our Inner Child,using He or She.
To save you girls the trouble of Putting in she,its done further down.
He sits out of the way - alone
Crying tears that no one sees
I try hard not to look his way
Afraid to hear his silent pleas
He shivers in terror, eyes wide and wild
Should someone pass too near
So I promise myself to hurry past
Quietly - so he won't hear
As I tiptoe by, I see a glint
Of something in his hand
He clutches it tight, and hides it away
I pass as quickly as I can
My heart aches for this little one
But how can I ease his pain
I've worked too hard, and came too far
To turn around again
Suddenly I'm stopped by a tall locked door
And can no longer move ahead
But no key have I to journey on
I must go back instead
This time as I pass the weeping child
I swallow my fears and kneel
And gently reach my arms to him
His pain I need to heal
He cautiously raises up his head
And reaches his hand to me
Then as his fingers slowly open
I see he possesses the key
The child I now hold in my arms
Is really a part of me
He is the little boy I was
The one I used to be
Now hand in hand we unlock the door
Our healing journey to begin
The future together we will face
Me and my child within
----------
I found this very powerful.
The Weeping Child by S.L. Dawson
She sits out of the way - alone
Crying tears that no one sees
I try hard not to look her way
Afraid to hear her silent pleas
She shivers in terror, eyes wide and wild
Should someone pass too near
So I promise myself to hurry past
Quietly - so she won't hear
As I tiptoe by, I see a glint
Of something in her hand
She clutches it tight, and hides it away
I pass as quickly as I can
My heart aches for this little one
But how can I ease her pain
I've worked too hard, and came too far
To turn around again
Suddenly I'm stopped by a tall locked door
And can no longer move ahead
But no key have I to journey on
I must go back instead
This time as I pass the weeping child
I swallow my fears and kneel
And gently reach my arms to her
Her pain I need to heal
She cautiously raises up her head
And reaches her hand to me
Then as her fingers slowly open
I see she possesses the key
The child I now hold in my arms
Is really a part of me
She is the little girl I was
The one I used to be
Now hand in hand we unlock the door
Our healing journey to begin
The future together we will face
Me and my child within
----------
I found this very powerful.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,826
Listening to my Inner Child last night put me exactly where I needed to be to help a friend.
Last night I asked my Inner Child what she wanted and she said, "Ice cream."
So off I went and got myself a chocolate ice cream cone with chocolate dip. In a kiddie size, not an extravagant indulgence by any means. But real ice cream, not frozen yogurt or low-fat like I would normally order.
As I drove up to my house I saw a neighbor walking her dogs. I stopped and asked her "what's new?" Her face crumpled and she told me her husband is moving out. I asked to come inside and we talked for an hour.
I believe that my HP put me right there at the right spot to be there for her. I believe listening to my Inner Child last night was the key.
Maybe my Inner Child knows more about my HP than I do.
Last night I asked my Inner Child what she wanted and she said, "Ice cream."
So off I went and got myself a chocolate ice cream cone with chocolate dip. In a kiddie size, not an extravagant indulgence by any means. But real ice cream, not frozen yogurt or low-fat like I would normally order.
As I drove up to my house I saw a neighbor walking her dogs. I stopped and asked her "what's new?" Her face crumpled and she told me her husband is moving out. I asked to come inside and we talked for an hour.
I believe that my HP put me right there at the right spot to be there for her. I believe listening to my Inner Child last night was the key.
Maybe my Inner Child knows more about my HP than I do.
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