They're Scaring Me
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They're Scaring Me
My father is on a rampage this morning.
To give the background, my 22 yo son was harrassing my younger children last summer. He's been out of college and out of work, living in our basement and getting surlier as the weeks went by, and letting me know bit by bit he'd do as he pleased. I told him to leave the kids alone, he got even ruder, and it ended with him punching me. I called the police. THEY pressed charges. He was banned from the house and went to my parents'.
Charges have now been reduced to disorderly conduct and ultimately dismissed, but they won't be cleared off his record for many months yet. He wants to join the military, and can't until that happens.
So this morning my husband told me my dad wants me to somehow shorten this standard waiting time of a year after the arrest for the charges to be cleared. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, in addition to first hearing about it about an hour ago.
I had just gotten a long list of clients I need to call and was on the phone with one of them when caller ID beeped. I was missing the client's words due to the beeping, so asked if I could answer it. I told my dad (very nicely) that I was in the middle of a business call, knowing it would not be a short conversation with him. He said he didn't give a damn, that I was ruining my son's life. I said how dare you call me, swearing at me and accusing and telling me I will hang up on my clients because you want to talk right this second. He started shouting and swearing. I hung up.
In the last half hour, we are now on the 8th phone call from him, none of which I've answered.
I'm afraid he'll show up at my door next. I have ordered my 5 year old he can't answer the door for his grandfather. I'm afraid of him getting violent if I let him in, and smashing the windows if I don't.
I'm afraid to leave the house in case he shows up in my driveway while I'm trying to get my work supplies and child into the car.
It is incredibly frustrating to realize that even if I were to talk to him, there is NO RATIONALITY AT ALL HERE. Even if I WANTED to placate him and get him off my back, there is nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING I could have done since I heard about this this morning, I'm not sure there's anything I can do anyway (last time I called the prosecutor about my son, it took weeks of unreturned calls, this was out of my control).
It is another, painful eye-opener to see how starkly he blames me for everything: my son loses his job, quits college, harrasses little kids, is rude to me, and punches me, the state presses charges, yet in my father's mind, it is ME 'ruining his life.' It is an eye-opener to see how irrational his expectations are.
Yet the message was passed to me this morning that he wants to 'have lunch and talk' because supposedly he didn't call me a bad mother (never mind what I heard, at length, out of his own mouth) and thinks I'm a great mother, and this is all a misunderstanding.
I've been told before that the only answer is to move physically far away from these people.
And I don't know how I can do that, either.
I would very much appreciate any prayers. There is absolutely no way to handle this, absolutely nothing to do to stop their attacks. I feel like I'm caught in a tunnel with a train coming at me and no way out.
To give the background, my 22 yo son was harrassing my younger children last summer. He's been out of college and out of work, living in our basement and getting surlier as the weeks went by, and letting me know bit by bit he'd do as he pleased. I told him to leave the kids alone, he got even ruder, and it ended with him punching me. I called the police. THEY pressed charges. He was banned from the house and went to my parents'.
Charges have now been reduced to disorderly conduct and ultimately dismissed, but they won't be cleared off his record for many months yet. He wants to join the military, and can't until that happens.
So this morning my husband told me my dad wants me to somehow shorten this standard waiting time of a year after the arrest for the charges to be cleared. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, in addition to first hearing about it about an hour ago.
I had just gotten a long list of clients I need to call and was on the phone with one of them when caller ID beeped. I was missing the client's words due to the beeping, so asked if I could answer it. I told my dad (very nicely) that I was in the middle of a business call, knowing it would not be a short conversation with him. He said he didn't give a damn, that I was ruining my son's life. I said how dare you call me, swearing at me and accusing and telling me I will hang up on my clients because you want to talk right this second. He started shouting and swearing. I hung up.
In the last half hour, we are now on the 8th phone call from him, none of which I've answered.
I'm afraid he'll show up at my door next. I have ordered my 5 year old he can't answer the door for his grandfather. I'm afraid of him getting violent if I let him in, and smashing the windows if I don't.
I'm afraid to leave the house in case he shows up in my driveway while I'm trying to get my work supplies and child into the car.
It is incredibly frustrating to realize that even if I were to talk to him, there is NO RATIONALITY AT ALL HERE. Even if I WANTED to placate him and get him off my back, there is nothing, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING I could have done since I heard about this this morning, I'm not sure there's anything I can do anyway (last time I called the prosecutor about my son, it took weeks of unreturned calls, this was out of my control).
It is another, painful eye-opener to see how starkly he blames me for everything: my son loses his job, quits college, harrasses little kids, is rude to me, and punches me, the state presses charges, yet in my father's mind, it is ME 'ruining his life.' It is an eye-opener to see how irrational his expectations are.
Yet the message was passed to me this morning that he wants to 'have lunch and talk' because supposedly he didn't call me a bad mother (never mind what I heard, at length, out of his own mouth) and thinks I'm a great mother, and this is all a misunderstanding.
I've been told before that the only answer is to move physically far away from these people.
And I don't know how I can do that, either.
I would very much appreciate any prayers. There is absolutely no way to handle this, absolutely nothing to do to stop their attacks. I feel like I'm caught in a tunnel with a train coming at me and no way out.
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Originally Posted by EveningRose 
So this morning my husband told me my dad wants me to somehow shorten this standard waiting time of a year after the arrest for the charges to be cleared. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, in addition to first hearing about it about an hour ago.
At this point, I can't see any benefit to talking to anyone but your lawyer (if you have one) and the cops. If son wants to shape up, there are plenty of ways to do that, which do NOT involve you fixing HIS problems and taking responsibility for "ruining his life" -- he's doing a good job of that on his own.
Keep us posted.
T
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Originally Posted by tromboneliness
Do not do that. If you act like a doormat, they'll just keep walking all over you.
RIP Sweet Suki
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If there is the slightest chance of violence, DO NOT let him in. If he refuses to leave, call the police. He has no right to come to your home and frighten you. So far as your son goes, I wouldn't be inclined to reduce any charges. The kid punched you! He needs to face the full consequences of his lousy decisions.
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I definitely would not have let him in, and kept my phone with me, though I now know he's calling from out of town. He has now been calling my husband, and most recently called him at the grocery store and threatened him with saying again that we are ruining our son's life and "If you don't do something about this, I'm going to come down on you so hard you'll think Christmas was a walk in the park." We don't even know what he's talking about. It's irrational. But now we're both racking our brains trying to think what he'll do, and my husband is dutifully calling prosecutors and recruiters trying to find out what the situation really is and what CAN be done. Which I'm not entirely happy with, either, as it is our son's responsibility, not ours.
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Originally Posted by EveningRose
I definitely would not have let him in, and kept my phone with me, though I now know he's calling from out of town. He has now been calling my husband, and most recently called him at the grocery store and threatened him with saying again that we are ruining our son's life and "If you don't do something about this, I'm going to come down on you so hard you'll think Christmas was a walk in the park." We don't even know what he's talking about. It's irrational. But now we're both racking our brains trying to think what he'll do, and my husband is dutifully calling prosecutors and recruiters trying to find out what the situation really is and what CAN be done. Which I'm not entirely happy with, either, as it is our son's responsibility, not ours.
Your son is 22 years old, that's supposed to be an ADULT...why don't you just wash your hands of this nonsense and tell him to deal with it himself...i would go no contact and ignore them all, block them from your phone, email and not allow them to try to control you.
You can tell your younger children that Grandpa is "not himself and is too angry to make sense right now".
it's ridicules that they are attempting to direct you to do their bidding, upsetting you, your husband, younger kids, etc..and your son PUNCHED YOU...and now YOU are supposed to make his life easy??? why? because your father says so?
where is the logic?
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
EveningRose,
I pray for peace has been said for you.
Trust in God to see you through this - don't spend your precious time playing "what if" or "what will he do". Trust . . . Trust . . . pray and breathe.
I pray for peace has been said for you.
Trust in God to see you through this - don't spend your precious time playing "what if" or "what will he do". Trust . . . Trust . . . pray and breathe.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: over the rainbow
Posts: 487
man i know what that is like. my father is much the same way. I cut off any contact with him about a year and a half ago. but i distinctly remember a day when i was at my house and could not believe that i was actually wondering if i needed to get my husband's shotgun out if my brother or father actually did show up at my door as they had threatened. isn't that hilarious-no ridiculous?! but i did tell him beforehand, plenty of times that i was not going to tolerate his unacceptable behavior. he said "i will do what i want" and i said, maybe so, but we won't be here to hear it.
i would not even discuss this with him. the 22 year old is experiencing his consequences for his actions and grandpa is powerless over it as well. so you don't need to do anything except say "no". call the cops if you need to, but you are not obligated to do anything more about what sonny boy got himself into.
i would not even discuss this with him. the 22 year old is experiencing his consequences for his actions and grandpa is powerless over it as well. so you don't need to do anything except say "no". call the cops if you need to, but you are not obligated to do anything more about what sonny boy got himself into.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
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It would scare me, too.
I'll include you in my prayers.
Here in Montana - you can make a statement with the police department
saying what's going on, listing the calls, saying what has been said
and in that statement you clearly state
that you're afraid to be alone in your own house.
Now, Montana has an advantage
that there's a WHOLE lot less people
than in most other state's capitol cities.
But in your area
there may be something similar
that when push DOES come to shove
the police will be apprised of the situation
and they act - and act swiftly.
It'd be worth looking into it, IMO.
I'll include you in my prayers.
Here in Montana - you can make a statement with the police department
saying what's going on, listing the calls, saying what has been said
and in that statement you clearly state
that you're afraid to be alone in your own house.
Now, Montana has an advantage
that there's a WHOLE lot less people
than in most other state's capitol cities.
But in your area
there may be something similar
that when push DOES come to shove
the police will be apprised of the situation
and they act - and act swiftly.
It'd be worth looking into it, IMO.
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Originally Posted by Fandy
i'm sorry your father is such a BULLY and so is your son.
Your son is 22 years old, that's supposed to be an ADULT...why don't you just wash your hands of this nonsense and tell him to deal with it himself...
it's ridicules that they are attempting to direct you to do their bidding, upsetting you, your husband, younger kids, etc..and your son PUNCHED YOU...and now YOU are supposed to make his life easy??? why? because your father says so?
where is the logic?
Your son is 22 years old, that's supposed to be an ADULT...why don't you just wash your hands of this nonsense and tell him to deal with it himself...
it's ridicules that they are attempting to direct you to do their bidding, upsetting you, your husband, younger kids, etc..and your son PUNCHED YOU...and now YOU are supposed to make his life easy??? why? because your father says so?
where is the logic?
There is no logic. It is horrible to have it dawning on me, when I ask over and over, what did he expect me to do after DS punched me? to realize he probably DOES think I had no business calling the police, and deserved it, just as he told me I 'deserved' my sister's rages at holidays a few years back (which is when I quit going to her house). After all, he himself has hit my mother multiple times since even before they were married, and his response to me calling the police on one of those occasions was to say *I* made him look bad to the neighbors, and *I* caused his marriage problems! I always believed he spoke in the heat of anger. Now, I'm understanding he is, at his core, an abuser, and he REALLY BELIEVES THAT.
escape artist, I too cut contact about 2 years ago. I do feel I've grown much healthier and saner since then, and see things more clearly.
Barb, I will be looking into that. I got home from work tonight and found that my dad left multiple voicemails (husband listened to them, I didn't) all going on about how I/ we are ruining our sons life and all his great potential.
He also made another that if this is not taken care of by Friday, he'll show up at my work and raise holy hell. I work one on one with children. JMFBurns, this was exactly one of the what-ifs going through my head tonight. But I'm feeling pretty strong in simply knowing what I'm going to do about it now that he's given me fair warning.
I can't believe this is my life. I feel so normal. I feel like I walked onto the wrong movie set or something.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
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I have been there, also. Many times, with my husband (deceased), my adult children and now a past relationship gone sour. I have recently learned to stand my ground, which is shaky, but better than the alternative....submission and self-imposed prison!
I will keep you in my prayers.
I will keep you in my prayers.
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Please save the voicemails and file a formal complaint about your father to the authorities....if you get a restraining order, he might back off. and think twice about coming to you.
it is ridicules that he feels he has the right to give you ultimatums about YOUR OWN CHILD.
as I said he is a BULLY and bullies are basically COWARDS....how would he like to state his case in court???? and pay all of your legal fees and a fine to boot?
what an old jacka$$....
it is ridicules that he feels he has the right to give you ultimatums about YOUR OWN CHILD.
as I said he is a BULLY and bullies are basically COWARDS....how would he like to state his case in court???? and pay all of your legal fees and a fine to boot?
what an old jacka$$....
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Originally Posted by EveningRose
Thank you. This is exactly what I need to hear, although everything inside me was already screaming that doing this is exactly the way to take us back to square one, and my son believing there won't be too many consequences. It is scary how quickly, though, someone can drive you to thinking you'll even consider it, just to get them off your back.
But ya -- certainly, if you were to go to the authorities and beg/plead with them to drop the court case against Loose Cannon Sonny Boy, that would be sending the wrong message: that he can do whatever he wants and there will be no consequences. Once you go down that road, it never ends -- they just take more and more out of you. Oh -- and make you think you're the one who's being unreasonable!
T
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I think the reason he feels entitled to give ultimatums about my child is because my son has been living with my parents since he was legally banned from our house. They don't want him there. Of course, my dad is entitled to tell my son to move out. He certainly threatened to kick me out often enough from the time I was 16 till I got tired of threats and left on my own at 18. (and I was an honor student, involved in activities, working, and going to college by the time I left, not in any sort of trouble at all.)
So I don't know why he's choosing this path of attacking me over my son instead of just kicking him out. Or is it that I am the stereotypical scapegoat in the alcoholic family scheme, and his natural reaction to everything is to blame me?
So I don't know why he's choosing this path of attacking me over my son instead of just kicking him out. Or is it that I am the stereotypical scapegoat in the alcoholic family scheme, and his natural reaction to everything is to blame me?
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Originally Posted by tromboneliness
Thank you for not taking offense! After posting that note, I thought about it awhile and very nearly went back and deleted it, thinking maybe it was too impulsive, blunt, or otherwise insensitive. After all, from here, it's hard to tell how serious the threats from Crazy Dad might be.
But ya -- certainly, if you were to go to the authorities and beg/plead with them to drop the court case against Loose Cannon Sonny Boy, that would be sending the wrong message: that he can do whatever he wants and there will be no consequences. Once you go down that road, it never ends -- they just take more and more out of you. Oh -- and make you think you're the one who's being unreasonable!
T
But ya -- certainly, if you were to go to the authorities and beg/plead with them to drop the court case against Loose Cannon Sonny Boy, that would be sending the wrong message: that he can do whatever he wants and there will be no consequences. Once you go down that road, it never ends -- they just take more and more out of you. Oh -- and make you think you're the one who's being unreasonable!
T
I think for those of us in this position, we have heard so often that we are the crazy and unreasonable ones, that it can only help to hear over and over the truth. Even when we already know what's right, we're sometimes under so much pressure and, dare I say, brainwashing, from the AF that we question ourselves and it's hard to have that resolve without others reminding us we're not crazy and what is right.
I'm actually quite sickened realizing the lesson my dad is teaching my son, regardless of how strong I stand. He's teaching him that you can hit your mother (which one day becomes your wife) and then go on a rampage against her if there are any consequences. I am very, very grateful right now that my father had only daughters. I dread to think what kind of sons he would have sent out into the world.
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your father has used intimidation on you for a good part of your life....he has no respect for women. You can't change the old jacka$$, but you do not have to put up with him.
I would tell your son to put up or shut up....why can't he go live somewhere else? he made his own bed, lay in it and grow the Flock up....Your father does not deserve the courtesy of a response. You owe this man nothing....you could offer him the same sort of ultimatum....but this would only enrage him.
He has no power over your life unless you allow it....big deal, he offered a place to stay for his grandson...temporarily.
try to take a firm stand on this BS and i hope your husband backs you up too....and tell him that you do not allow people into YOUR HOME who are rude, disrespectful and threatening...you will call the police and file for a restraining order if he comes in contact with you.
otherwise he will feel he is entitled to bully you.
i mean would you allow any other type of man/woman to speak to you this way??? or would you think they are some crazy idiot who is dangerous.
I would tell your son to put up or shut up....why can't he go live somewhere else? he made his own bed, lay in it and grow the Flock up....Your father does not deserve the courtesy of a response. You owe this man nothing....you could offer him the same sort of ultimatum....but this would only enrage him.
He has no power over your life unless you allow it....big deal, he offered a place to stay for his grandson...temporarily.
try to take a firm stand on this BS and i hope your husband backs you up too....and tell him that you do not allow people into YOUR HOME who are rude, disrespectful and threatening...you will call the police and file for a restraining order if he comes in contact with you.
otherwise he will feel he is entitled to bully you.
i mean would you allow any other type of man/woman to speak to you this way??? or would you think they are some crazy idiot who is dangerous.
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Fandy, I have told my kids, regardless of how I sound, that they are not to even open the door to him, and call the police if he tries to force his way in in any way.
I hope someone is reading and has good advice: I think I should call my boss about him threatening to show up at work. I work one on one, alone, with children, some of them as young as 6. One of the locations is very isolated, set up such that he could easily block me getting out, and probably would do whatever it took to stop me calling the police. It's easy to say call the police, but I know my dad won't stand and watch me dial--not to mention, a friend just got violently beaten by someone trying to take her phone away so she couldn't call the police on them.
A friend says abusers will threaten things like this to embarrass me, but rarely follow through because they don't do these things in public. She said if they're going to do it, they just do it, they don't warn you first, and that I shouldn't tell my boss, because it will force her to do something. My friend seemed worried this would somehow hurt me job-wise. I don't see how it would, especially as my boss has a great deal of respect for me, and just begged me to take on new students because she's not satisfied with the people she interviewed to do it, and said she trusts me with them.
Does anyone have any experience with this, as the person threatened, as the boss, in any way? I need to call her at the very least by tomorrow morning, if I do.
I hope someone is reading and has good advice: I think I should call my boss about him threatening to show up at work. I work one on one, alone, with children, some of them as young as 6. One of the locations is very isolated, set up such that he could easily block me getting out, and probably would do whatever it took to stop me calling the police. It's easy to say call the police, but I know my dad won't stand and watch me dial--not to mention, a friend just got violently beaten by someone trying to take her phone away so she couldn't call the police on them.
A friend says abusers will threaten things like this to embarrass me, but rarely follow through because they don't do these things in public. She said if they're going to do it, they just do it, they don't warn you first, and that I shouldn't tell my boss, because it will force her to do something. My friend seemed worried this would somehow hurt me job-wise. I don't see how it would, especially as my boss has a great deal of respect for me, and just begged me to take on new students because she's not satisfied with the people she interviewed to do it, and said she trusts me with them.
Does anyone have any experience with this, as the person threatened, as the boss, in any way? I need to call her at the very least by tomorrow morning, if I do.
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i don't, but i agree with her. it is not your boss's problem. you can deal with this. set your boundary. ....dad if you do this then i will have to do that.....you are not allowed to threaten me- you can tell him that- i am not going to talk to you about this anymore and if you do show up to harrass me i will call the police and get a restraining order on you. it is a threat, and you will follow through, because that is how a boundary works. tell him to put it in a letter if he really needs to tell you something. but absolutely do not have contact with the abusive bully. there are some posts currently around here that have especially empowered me to stand up for my rights esp around abusive people. my life is much more serene without my abusive family in it.
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Originally Posted by EveningRose
He certainly threatened to kick me out often enough from the time I was 16 till I got tired of threats and left on my own at 18. (and I was an honor student, involved in activities, working, and going to college by the time I left, not in any sort of trouble at all.)
So I don't know why he's choosing this path of attacking me over my son instead of just kicking him out. Or is it that I am the stereotypical scapegoat in the alcoholic family scheme, and his natural reaction to everything is to blame me?
So I don't know why he's choosing this path of attacking me over my son instead of just kicking him out. Or is it that I am the stereotypical scapegoat in the alcoholic family scheme, and his natural reaction to everything is to blame me?
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