Emotional Boundaries
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Emotional Boundaries
I read this forum a lot. I know there is something from my childhood that I am carrying with me. I've had a hard time identifying it. There was no outward abuse. There isn't really anything that I can say was abuse at all I just know it wasn't quite healthy either. (My mother was probably in the early or middle stages of alcoholism when she died of other causes but she was always a kind and good mother. We were certainly never neglected, abused, denied love, or anything like that. She was desperately unhappy though.) I also know that one of my biggest issues as an adult is my struggle with boundaries. I am always searching. I read a website this morning that just grabbed me. Here is a quote from it.
This. This is it. The rest of the site has good stuff too, ie - things that really hit home for me. I'm bookmarking it to re-read tonight when I can concentrate.
I'm wondering if anyone else relates to this and if they have any other resources they know of and can share. I'm desperate to address these issues as I parent my own children. I want to stop this endless cycle and I'm not really sure how. I worry that I parent just like my mother and in many cases that is a good thing but in this particular case - not so much.
What the children are likely to learn in this situation is that boundaries don't matter, that indeed they, as individual human beings, don't matter except where they are useful for the emotional needs of others. As they grow up in their families of origin, they lack the support they need from parents or caregivers to form a healthy sense of their own identities. their own individuality. In fact, they may learn that to get their needs met they must get their way with others. To do this they need to intrude on the emotional boundaries of other people just as their father or mother may have done. They would in all likelihood grow up with fluid boundaries, that cause them to swing between feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life. They would have at best, a hazy sense of their own personal boundaries, not able to properly define where they end and the other begins. Conversely, they may learn that rigid and inflexible boundaries might be the way to handle their relationships with other people. They wall themselves off in their relationships as a way of protecting their emotional selves, and, as a consequence, will, in all likelihood find it difficult to form lasting close interpersonal bonds with others in adulthood as they are still trying to individuate from their parents. The exception in this is of relationships predicated on the same rigid rule based structure as their family of origin where nothing came into the family or out from it, but in this case the bond is likely to be enmeshment.
I'm wondering if anyone else relates to this and if they have any other resources they know of and can share. I'm desperate to address these issues as I parent my own children. I want to stop this endless cycle and I'm not really sure how. I worry that I parent just like my mother and in many cases that is a good thing but in this particular case - not so much.
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Thumper,
I have very real trouble with boundaries too.
I read "Boundaries" by Dr.'s Cloud & Townsend (from the library), and it helped. I reread the pages in the Al-Anon daily's about boundaries too.
I hope others post good reads online. I read about emotional incest and emotional abuse online too.
Books are my friends! Lol! I hope this helps. You're not alone. Almost every time I try to relate to my dad I'm reminded about how toxic it can be and about how I feel like he doesn't know the difference between healthy love and taking people hostage. I learned about the difference over at joy2beu by Mr. Robert Burney.
I have very real trouble with boundaries too.
I read "Boundaries" by Dr.'s Cloud & Townsend (from the library), and it helped. I reread the pages in the Al-Anon daily's about boundaries too.
I hope others post good reads online. I read about emotional incest and emotional abuse online too.
Books are my friends! Lol! I hope this helps. You're not alone. Almost every time I try to relate to my dad I'm reminded about how toxic it can be and about how I feel like he doesn't know the difference between healthy love and taking people hostage. I learned about the difference over at joy2beu by Mr. Robert Burney.
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Originally Posted by Thumper 
that cause them to swing between feelings of engulfment on the one hand and abandonment on the other inevitably leading to dysfunctional relationships later on in life.
Not a very satisfying way to live.
What was the other website?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Originally Posted by Ninsuna
I'm reading ACA's "Red Book" and am getting so much out of it.
Also, "The Damned Book", "From Abandonment to Healing". Seems to be helping Transformie, but I lost interest and the "club" fizzled out around chapter three. You could search it.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
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Originally Posted by coyote21
This describes every romantic relationship I've ever had, as well as most of my close friendships. And I don't know why.
Not a very satisfying way to live.
What was the other website?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Not a very satisfying way to live.
What was the other website?
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I have that damn book, haha, but haven't read it yet.
Thank you for the other recommendations. I'll check them out!
Except when it's a commercial website that competes with the owners of SoberRecovery.Member
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Thanks Thumper,
I really need to learn more about boundaries. I learned nothing of them as a child, and this article really shocked me, several times, with the truth of what was going on in my home as a child. Like making my mother happy when she was in the midst of her turmoil- she was not good to us, and we tried to make her happy.that is where we got our self-worth- if we could fill someone elses emotional needs. that was so unhealthy. I had forgotten about it until i read about that very situation in the emotional boundaries article you gave the link to. OMG-this is kind of scary to me.
I want to learn, but am afraid it is going to make me very very sad.
I really need to learn more about boundaries. I learned nothing of them as a child, and this article really shocked me, several times, with the truth of what was going on in my home as a child. Like making my mother happy when she was in the midst of her turmoil- she was not good to us, and we tried to make her happy.that is where we got our self-worth- if we could fill someone elses emotional needs. that was so unhealthy. I had forgotten about it until i read about that very situation in the emotional boundaries article you gave the link to. OMG-this is kind of scary to me.
I want to learn, but am afraid it is going to make me very very sad.
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I want to learn, but am afraid it is going to make me very very sad.
I did a few years of cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped me learn to set boundaries even though it was highly uncomfortable (I felt like I was doing something "wrong" when I set a boundary).
Perhaps you will also find the learning about boundaries to be enlightening and empowering. I hope you do. And if it does make you sad, remember that the better you get at doing it, the less sad it will make you. One day down the line, you wake up and realize that you now set boundaries and defend them without even thinking about it. That's a wonderful place to be! Keep that in sight, and perhaps the sadness won't be overwhelming.
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[QUOTE=GingerM;
Perhaps you will also find the learning about boundaries to be enlightening and empowering. I hope you do. And if it does make you sad, remember that the better you get at doing it, the less sad it will make you. One day down the line, you wake up and realize that you now set boundaries and defend them without even thinking about it. That's a wonderful place to be! Keep that in sight, and perhaps the sadness won't be overwhelming.[/QUOTE]
Ginger,
thanks. I guess i should clarify. i felt sad to learn about how many ways this little kid (me) was actually abused, emotionally. I think that the emotional incest thing spurred me, realizing how unfair it was of our parents to look to us little girls for their needs. guess they were done just as badly as kids....
I look forward to being more accountable for my own and for respecting others boundaries. it feels good to learn, but getting the big picture of the past is sad. i am no psychologist, and lots of my childhood i forgot about, until i read that article .
the good part is sending healthier behavior into the future generations of my family- doing my part to enlighten. we are doing pretty well, considering the dysfunction of the past generations. i look forward to learning for that reason. and maybe it will enable me to fix some of my issues. with relationships. i have had 4 failed marriages, and i know that aside from making some bad choices in partners, i was totally ignorant about boundaries and real love.
hugs,
chicory
Perhaps you will also find the learning about boundaries to be enlightening and empowering. I hope you do. And if it does make you sad, remember that the better you get at doing it, the less sad it will make you. One day down the line, you wake up and realize that you now set boundaries and defend them without even thinking about it. That's a wonderful place to be! Keep that in sight, and perhaps the sadness won't be overwhelming.[/QUOTE]
Ginger,
thanks. I guess i should clarify. i felt sad to learn about how many ways this little kid (me) was actually abused, emotionally. I think that the emotional incest thing spurred me, realizing how unfair it was of our parents to look to us little girls for their needs. guess they were done just as badly as kids....
I look forward to being more accountable for my own and for respecting others boundaries. it feels good to learn, but getting the big picture of the past is sad. i am no psychologist, and lots of my childhood i forgot about, until i read that article .
the good part is sending healthier behavior into the future generations of my family- doing my part to enlighten. we are doing pretty well, considering the dysfunction of the past generations. i look forward to learning for that reason. and maybe it will enable me to fix some of my issues. with relationships. i have had 4 failed marriages, and i know that aside from making some bad choices in partners, i was totally ignorant about boundaries and real love.
hugs,
chicory
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I wish you much success in your journey (both in regards to boundaries and in seeing the rest of the picture). Yes, it is sad to see the entirety of the damage done. I don't look at the whole of the damage very often (unless talking to other ACoAs) because I can't fix all of it all at once. It helps me to focus on the one thing I'm working on at the moment.
Perhaps that might work for you as well? Choose one thing you want to work on, and set the rest aside to be examined later. It can be very overwhelming to try to take it all in at once.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
Perhaps that might work for you as well? Choose one thing you want to work on, and set the rest aside to be examined later. It can be very overwhelming to try to take it all in at once.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
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Originally Posted by GingerM
I wish you much success in your journey (both in regards to boundaries and in seeing the rest of the picture). Yes, it is sad to see the entirety of the damage done. I don't look at the whole of the damage very often (unless talking to other ACoAs) because I can't fix all of it all at once. It helps me to focus on the one thing I'm working on at the moment.
Perhaps that might work for you as well? Choose one thing you want to work on, and set the rest aside to be examined later. It can be very overwhelming to try to take it all in at once.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
Perhaps that might work for you as well? Choose one thing you want to work on, and set the rest aside to be examined later. It can be very overwhelming to try to take it all in at once.
One thing at a time, one day at a time.
That is a good idea, I am sure. now to figure out which thing to work on first! I think boundaries might as well be it. I have trouble with those....
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Yes, I definitely relate to this! What website is this from? I'd like to read more.
I have so much trouble with enmeshment in my relationship with my significant other. I know nothing about boundaries and am just beginning to learn.
Thanks for posting this!
I have so much trouble with enmeshment in my relationship with my significant other. I know nothing about boundaries and am just beginning to learn.
Thanks for posting this!
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The link is in post #6 of this thread. I don't have the site bookmarked on this computer. It is an article and I haven't been able to find more by the same person but the whole article is worth a read. I identified with a lot of it.
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I feel very much that boundaries in my home, growing up, were non-existent. They continue to be. A major one is that my mother routinely told me what I was really thinking! And told me why I'd really done what I'd done! I'm coming to terms recently with realizing that not only did she believe she knew the inside of my head better than I did, but she must also have assumed I'm a liar, the times I told her why I really did something.
Somebody mentioned getting needs met, and I have realized as an adult that I expect to give way more to others in return for getting crumbs back. I have made myself stop doing that, and start expecting more even playing fields.
Somebody mentioned getting needs met, and I have realized as an adult that I expect to give way more to others in return for getting crumbs back. I have made myself stop doing that, and start expecting more even playing fields.
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A major one is that my mother routinely told me what I was really thinking!
My therapist, years ago (maybe a decade?) gave me the following statement: "*I* didn't say that, *you* said that. If that's how you feel, I'm very sorry to hear it."
This is such a wonderful tool. It works when someone is assigning negative intentions to you ("so what you're really saying is that I'm fat!" or other imagined negative). It works if they're assigning negatives to you ("I know you think you're the best thing in the world, but you're no better than anyone else.") No matter which way the negative is being assigned, this statement works. The great thing about this statement is that it allows you to refuse to accept the responsibility for saying something you never said.
Or, as my therapist put it, "Just because someone hands you a bucket of blame, doesn't mean you have to accept it from them. You can let them keep the bucket of blame."
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thank you for this thread Thumper. there was no alcoholism in my immediate family of origin, although my aunt and cousin on my mother's side and an uncle on my father's side are alcoholics/addicts so it's clearly an issue in the background. I feel I have many of the traits of an ACOA without the qualifier.
I struggle with boundaries, especially emotional ones, and really struggle with feeling good about my parenting, that I am striking a reasonable emotional balance, I don't feel I have a healthy frame of reference.
I struggle with boundaries, especially emotional ones, and really struggle with feeling good about my parenting, that I am striking a reasonable emotional balance, I don't feel I have a healthy frame of reference.
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