Tammi

I have been reading so many helpful posts. I'm wondering if anyone on here has had to deal with someone dying from the disease? My dad has been giving 2 months to a year from doctors. They say he is currently in liver failure. Somehow I thought with this information the dysfunction of our family and my relationship with him would somehow now focus on great things... only now it seems like it's gotten worst 100%.

I am having a hard time reconciling myself on how much I should try to confront him with things or do I just let it go? I want to say so much to him but upsetting him will only hurt him. And how much clarity can I really expect from him?

The story...Like everyone's is so long the dysfunction is the same..just the names have changed.

And how am I going to deal with this when he's gone?

CarolD

Dealing with dying loved ones is always a sad expereince.
I'm sorry you and your family are going thru this...
Prayers for comfort and peace coming your way.

You might want to write your Dad letters...expressing your
love and concern. Getting out your feelings could help you.
When your Dad is lucid ...if you wish to express them...
reading them aloud might be the way to go.

Yes...I have lost people I cared for to various reasons.
Death is a natural part of life...regardless of the cause.

What helped me was knowing their pain racked bodies
were simply a broken shell....their spirit needed releaseing.


Ask his doctor about Hospice resources
They can help both your Dad and your family.

I also found Psalms 23 comforting.

Again.....sorry to know of this situation....

tromboneliness

My Dad is dying -- not from alcoholism, but just from old age (90). For the past couple of years, since my Mom fell and eventually died from complications that resulted, my always-complicated relationship with my Dad became even more strained. Most of it (from my point of view) has been that everything has to be on his terms -- he never budges on anything, ever. I do the recovery thing and work on myself -- but as far as he's concerned, he's a Superior Form of Life, so what's to work on? Anyone who doesn't see it his way is just Wrong.

Now, he's bedridden and not able to communicate much at all -- his nurses claim he "talks" to them, but I'm not really sure what they mean by that; I haven't been able to have a conversation with him in months -- he'll mumble at me, but I can't make sense out of it, other than an occasional word or two, most of which seems to involve food. So I'm basically just waiting... for whatever finally happens, to happen -- the other week, he picked up some kind of a bug and spiked a fever for awhile, but it seems to have abated. Eventually, something will happen, and his time will come. I'm not sure how I feel about it -- conflicted, I guess you might say. How will I deal with it when he's gone? Not sure....

T

tromboneliness

Just to add to that, writing a letter, or otherwise confronting the alcoholic, is usually a waste of time -- they think they're perfect, so all you end up doing is antagonizing them. My sister used to write letters to my Dad (before he fell into his current state of... dementia, or whatever happened to his head), and she'd send them, but all that did was make him mad. What can help, though, is to write a letter, sleep on it, then put it in the shredder (or, if you don't have one, just toss it out). Don't actually send the letter to the alcoholic -- but getting your feelings down on paper can help you. "You" being the operative word here -- you can help yourself, but changing the alcoholic, or getting them to apologize for being a ******* all your life, well, that doesn't work as well. At least not for me....

T

Tammi

Thanks Tromboneliness. And you to CarolD.

My dad has just been given his prognosis of the 2month-1 year thing. Just after he was given the information he created such DRAMA among me and my 3 sisters. His VERY MUCH codependent low self esteem girlfriend of 6 months was complaining to him that I was ignoring her and that she didn't think she wanted me there.

So my father was out to give someone some blame for his new gf hard feelings so he started a telephone tag between all my sisters so that it would finally get back to me... who lives 2 doors down. So instead of asking me if i had a problem, or trying to resolve an issue he called my sister who lives in ANOTHER country, for her to call my other sister in ANOTHER STATE for her to call me, blah blah. When I confronted the gf while my dad was sleeping she started telling lies then started saying that I was the cause of all the hurt in my dad's life and then she said I told her things that weren't true. I was so surprised I said "Lady you're crazy, I don't know why you're saying these things only to hurt my father, when right now he needs to have as little stress as possible. Then I told her I was scared of her" She told me I should be. the footnote is that my father seems like he has more money than he does...well he may have more money than others, but he has loads of debt to go with it. So at that moment I thought she was trying to do a BlackWidow thing. So I started yelling at her, which is of course when my dad walked in the room. I told him she was lying and that this B*&^% is crazy. He said he was leaving to live with her (in the states, we are in Mexico) because they were sick of me. ???? I was blindsided. and that is the last time I've seen him. I tried talking to him to say she was lying, he said "you're the F%$^%** Liar you've been lying to me since you were 13. ?? What? I said how can you bring up high school??? by the way, I am 37.

So i wrote my dad 2 long emails about a week ago. I JUST received his response to the several page emails I wrote to him... this is a direct paste....

"it is behind me and will stay that way. i think the only thing I don't want to do is die and not my girls talk to. God knows i am worrying enough. lets just go on like nothing happen, i will if you will."

Ok.. so like my entire life.. anything bad happens.. lets just pretend it didn't then it will be like it didn't. I grew up with violence, neglect, and more than anything verbal and mental abuse. And every morning everyone would wake up and say Good morning... even if they had a big black eye. Wow, Look... there's a big elephant in the room! what? What elephant? I don't see it.

So I guess I'm just going to bite the bullet move forward then go for therapy. i can only help myself.

CarolD

Excellent plan....

starbryte502

First I am sorry to hear what you're going through with your Dad. I am brand new to this site and so grateful to have found it.

I can tell you that I lost my father in Feb of this year, he had been an alcoholic my whole life. He and my mother divorced when I was 2yrs old and from then on our relationship was struggle after struggle, disappointments, heartbreak....the list goes on until the day he died.

I hadnt talked to my dad since June 2009, that conversation was me calling, him answering, me saying Dad! and him hanging up on me. When I got the phone call in Feb my father was already brain dead, that will haunt me until the day I die. From what my family tells me, he had been diagnosed with cirrohosis in October and proceeded to drink. They had went to his house on Sunday, he was completely yellow and they forced him to go to the hospital, they said that he also developed alcohol induced hepitius and Monday he was talking with some friends and then he had a heart attack and they were about to pronouce him and his heart started beating again but he was brain dead.

He was in PA and I live in MA, it was over, I would never talk to my dad again, he someone let me know just one day earlier or if I had gotten the erge to call him I would have been able to hear his voice one last time or tell him that I was pregnant, but I lost my chance and now have to live with that.

I guess my advice to you is if you need to say things to your father, please do it while you still can. If there is once chance that you will regret not doing it, do it. It may hurt, but you can be there and you can help each other get through it. I would give anything to have one last chance to tell my father all thats in my heart and make peace with him.

milwaukeeguy85

Two of my friends dads died from the same exact condition due to their terrible alcohol addiction. I saw the grief that it put them through and it is an absolutely terrible situation. I feel very bad for you, just remember that you still have a chance to get things off your chest (nice, mean, emotional) etc. If you feel the need to, I would strongly suggest doing it because I know my best friend is still in misery because he did not get to say the things he said to his dad. His dad basically killed himself by purposely blowing off dialysis to go drink. It is a sad story, but in every sad story there is a lesson to be learned.

dothi

DO IT!!! 2 months - 1 year is a good chunk of time to figure out what's worth saying to your dad anyway.

And don't beat yourself up over that fight with the girlfriend. The powers of dysfunction are amplified, like degrees on the Richter scale, when more than one player is in the room. The "crisis" of the day just happens to set the stage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tammi

And every morning everyone would wake up and say Good morning... even if they had a big black eye. Wow, Look... there's a big elephant in the room! what? What elephant? I don't see it.

"it is behind me and will stay that way. i think the only thing I don't want to do is die and not my girls talk to. God knows i am worrying enough. lets just go on like nothing happen, i will if you will."

And your dad is continuing to cope in the ways he knows best to cope. It sounds like you're recognizing the situations for what they are. But so long as your dad is clearly using old behaviors, it's a great idea to detach from the situation for a bit, re-focus, and re-adjust your expectations with a good therapist .

If you're still stalling at this point, I'd like to point out that in 2 months - 1 year you may be dealing with grief/loss and find yourself in therapy anyway. So why not prepare now? Reassure your inner anxieties that you will have a good plan for when the sh*t hits the fan as things start circling the drain. The good news is that you can be constructive for you right now.

Spirit08

My dad, who I did not visit, see or talk to since I was about 15 (with the exception of him being a guest at my wedding) (he was a know it all and very critical) anyway....died in 1999.

Anyway, I worked through a lot of it prior to that. Was really angry. Finally directly told him that all he had to do was say he was sorry and that I would forgive him. He said, "I'm sorry." Then I urged him to repent so that he could go to Heaven.

Fast forward to 2010 and wow. Simply remember the good things and how much I learned from him. Great feeling. He is with me always, closer than ever before.

We are now on the basis of trusting and relying upon a power greater than ourselves.

All of this helped immensely. Went through the feelings and came out on the other side.

Now, if I could only do that with my mother and brother; without them dying; and without wishing they were in jail for life.

Spirit08

So sorry to hear. If you read what you wrote, you did everything that you could. I found it helpful to write everything down and then look at what MY desire to happen and to be said would be. Realized he would never say WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR, and was left with nothing other than asking him to say he was sorry. If your dad hung up on you, he is aware of what he did.

Hope that helps.