Am I An ACoA...
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Am I An ACoA...
Not sure if I should be posting here.
I'm 33 years old and it's all just dawning on me now that my father is an alcoholic and my mother, severely codependent.
My father has always drank. As far back as I can remember he would be out of a night and sleeping during the day.
My parents were very social when we were kids, it was all great fun when we would go off to their friends for the weekend...we spent time with the friends kids and the four parents would spend the evenings drinking and having a great time.
I have happy memories too but I always remember being scared of my Dad. He used to hit us if we misbehaved and sometimes if we didn't do anything wrong at all. He was brought up in a boarding school...Irish, catholic. Verrry strict, children should be seen and not heard type of parent.
He had a large plastic ladle he would hang outside in the garage and if we'd been bad we would be sent out to get it and then he would smack our behinds with it till we couldn't sit down.
I used to wonder why Mum would let him treat us that way. He is my step-father, been my Dad since I was 4 years old. I used to hate him and hate my Mum for letting him be mean to us. I very often felt that we were in the way, that he didn't want us around. But a lot of times he would be great, taking us to the park, giving us piggy backs, taking the dogs for long walks.
Looking back it was quite a confusing time, there was no security from a childs point of view...I never knew what mood he would be in.
My Dad was in a band, he didn't work much during the day but would gig at night times, maybe 5 nights a week. He would drink on the gigs and spend the next day in bed. I would come home from school to find him in bed, my Mum at work. He'd get up and make us tidy up before my Mum got home.
My biological father was a gambling addict, my Mum left him when I was three. The partner she had before my biological Dad was a psychopath who beat her and tortured her, raped her...killed her dog. She ran away from him and had to go into hiding for 6 months.
My Mum says now, looking back she was just grateful when she met my step dad because he was "normal". Good looking, sociable and willing to take on a divorced woman with two young kids.
Up until this last year, I always thought of my Mum as being up on a pedestal. She's amazingly beautiful and it never occurred to me that someone so beautiful could have confidence issues or trouble with men.
Speaking about my Dad recently, I asked why she stayed with him if he was drinking a lot, she said she had no confidence back then and if she was the person she is now back then, things would have been completely different. This shocked me a lot, to hear my Mum had no confidence, I could identify.
I remember when I met my xABF, he told me he drank a lot and I thought "my Dad drank a lot too and that was ok...normal".
My Mum tells me now, looking back she thinks my Dad was always a problem drinker, a binge drinker...but now she thinks it's taking a hold and that he can't do without it. She visits me and speaks to me about her problems with my Dad and the more she tells me, the more I can identify.
I feel like I have mirrored my mothers relationship with my father, with my X, but without even realising my father was an alcoholic and my Mum a codependent.
I have felt how she feels, I have done the codependent thing, I have recognised it and I am working on myself. My Mum is drowning in it.
We are both bitter. She blames my Dad for everything gone wrong in her life, she feels unable to leave him. I feel bitter too and I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I feel angry about my past and angry with myself for mirroring the past. I followed the exact same path and have done the same to my Daughter...bringing an alcoholic into her life. My xABF didn't hit her, I wouldn't allow that because of my own past but he was verbally abusive and didn't care about her or I nor make her feel wanted. I knew this and I let it continue because I was grateful to have someone.
I worry that I have set in motion things for my Daughters future. I already see some (not many) codependent and "people pleasing" traits in her. These traits all but ruined my life and I don't want the history I repeated, to repeat itself with her.
Everytime my parents row, my Mum rings me or visits and tells me everything that happened...berating my Dad. She gets upset, she cries, she feels trapped. She is so bitter, she can't move on, she is a martyr. Then the next week they are fine again...until the next time.
I've tried to offer advice, I've lent her Codependent No More. I've explained she should ignore him when drunk, not react to his baiting or rages...she replies quite indignantly "but then he would get away with it".
It makes me sad, she doesn't get it. She is extremely damaged from living with a drinker for 30 years. I lived with mine for 7 and I feel very damaged too. I'm very angry and I'm not sure how to get over that.
I'm 33 years old and it's all just dawning on me now that my father is an alcoholic and my mother, severely codependent.
My father has always drank. As far back as I can remember he would be out of a night and sleeping during the day.
My parents were very social when we were kids, it was all great fun when we would go off to their friends for the weekend...we spent time with the friends kids and the four parents would spend the evenings drinking and having a great time.
I have happy memories too but I always remember being scared of my Dad. He used to hit us if we misbehaved and sometimes if we didn't do anything wrong at all. He was brought up in a boarding school...Irish, catholic. Verrry strict, children should be seen and not heard type of parent.
He had a large plastic ladle he would hang outside in the garage and if we'd been bad we would be sent out to get it and then he would smack our behinds with it till we couldn't sit down.
I used to wonder why Mum would let him treat us that way. He is my step-father, been my Dad since I was 4 years old. I used to hate him and hate my Mum for letting him be mean to us. I very often felt that we were in the way, that he didn't want us around. But a lot of times he would be great, taking us to the park, giving us piggy backs, taking the dogs for long walks.
Looking back it was quite a confusing time, there was no security from a childs point of view...I never knew what mood he would be in.
My Dad was in a band, he didn't work much during the day but would gig at night times, maybe 5 nights a week. He would drink on the gigs and spend the next day in bed. I would come home from school to find him in bed, my Mum at work. He'd get up and make us tidy up before my Mum got home.
My biological father was a gambling addict, my Mum left him when I was three. The partner she had before my biological Dad was a psychopath who beat her and tortured her, raped her...killed her dog. She ran away from him and had to go into hiding for 6 months.
My Mum says now, looking back she was just grateful when she met my step dad because he was "normal". Good looking, sociable and willing to take on a divorced woman with two young kids.
Up until this last year, I always thought of my Mum as being up on a pedestal. She's amazingly beautiful and it never occurred to me that someone so beautiful could have confidence issues or trouble with men.
Speaking about my Dad recently, I asked why she stayed with him if he was drinking a lot, she said she had no confidence back then and if she was the person she is now back then, things would have been completely different. This shocked me a lot, to hear my Mum had no confidence, I could identify.
I remember when I met my xABF, he told me he drank a lot and I thought "my Dad drank a lot too and that was ok...normal".
My Mum tells me now, looking back she thinks my Dad was always a problem drinker, a binge drinker...but now she thinks it's taking a hold and that he can't do without it. She visits me and speaks to me about her problems with my Dad and the more she tells me, the more I can identify.
I feel like I have mirrored my mothers relationship with my father, with my X, but without even realising my father was an alcoholic and my Mum a codependent.
I have felt how she feels, I have done the codependent thing, I have recognised it and I am working on myself. My Mum is drowning in it.
We are both bitter. She blames my Dad for everything gone wrong in her life, she feels unable to leave him. I feel bitter too and I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I feel angry about my past and angry with myself for mirroring the past. I followed the exact same path and have done the same to my Daughter...bringing an alcoholic into her life. My xABF didn't hit her, I wouldn't allow that because of my own past but he was verbally abusive and didn't care about her or I nor make her feel wanted. I knew this and I let it continue because I was grateful to have someone.
I worry that I have set in motion things for my Daughters future. I already see some (not many) codependent and "people pleasing" traits in her. These traits all but ruined my life and I don't want the history I repeated, to repeat itself with her.
Everytime my parents row, my Mum rings me or visits and tells me everything that happened...berating my Dad. She gets upset, she cries, she feels trapped. She is so bitter, she can't move on, she is a martyr. Then the next week they are fine again...until the next time.
I've tried to offer advice, I've lent her Codependent No More. I've explained she should ignore him when drunk, not react to his baiting or rages...she replies quite indignantly "but then he would get away with it".
It makes me sad, she doesn't get it. She is extremely damaged from living with a drinker for 30 years. I lived with mine for 7 and I feel very damaged too. I'm very angry and I'm not sure how to get over that.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 444
Love this Tally! Alot in there resonates for me; about the family dynamics. So similar to my own. The realization of this so late in life... actually didn't realize my dad was alcoholic until my mother told me... after I left my XAH.... That itself was quite painful to hear, mostly the shock that it was there all the time and I never realized it. It also has been a catalyst for me to accept and understand where so many of my fears and resulting behaviours have come from.
I also accepted drinking as "normal" and didn't question it for many years in my marriage. That's just what husbands/daddy's do.... unwind with some beers after work, go out with the guys, etc. Wifes take care of things and stick it out. That's the message I got growing up.
I had my mom on a pedestal too. She came from a badly broken home, which seemed to have a fairy-tale ending for her when she married my father; the rich handsome prince! She loved us so much and gave us so much more than she ever had.... the abuse was subtle, emotional, verbal stuff. And now I understand where it came from. I've struggled with accepting this for awhile and just recently have felt more at peace. I realized that: 1) I will never earn my mother's approval, 2) I have always had my mother's approval, and 3) I don't need my mother's approval..... That all three of these things are true and I am now free!!!!
Take care and thanks for sharing!
I also accepted drinking as "normal" and didn't question it for many years in my marriage. That's just what husbands/daddy's do.... unwind with some beers after work, go out with the guys, etc. Wifes take care of things and stick it out. That's the message I got growing up.
I had my mom on a pedestal too. She came from a badly broken home, which seemed to have a fairy-tale ending for her when she married my father; the rich handsome prince! She loved us so much and gave us so much more than she ever had.... the abuse was subtle, emotional, verbal stuff. And now I understand where it came from. I've struggled with accepting this for awhile and just recently have felt more at peace. I realized that: 1) I will never earn my mother's approval, 2) I have always had my mother's approval, and 3) I don't need my mother's approval..... That all three of these things are true and I am now free!!!!
Take care and thanks for sharing!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
First off, have you read all the stickies on this this forum to read about the dynamics of the alcoholic family?
And it took me a while to realize ACOA is what applied to our family. It was not at the time just heavy drinking for Mom and enabling by Dad. It truly affects the whole family as if in a play (the sticky describes the different personalities of the Dysfunctional family).
I am with you on the ridiculous fighting and then they act as if all is well, but you get to hear it and witness it or hear about it later.
As a kid all you can do is hide and cover your ears at the fighting (we lived in a big house so I was lucky there - but you still hear the jibs, tension, snarls) but then they could be all lovey and happy after the eruption of the big fight.
You first need to do a boundary. You are an adult now and do not have to listen to the latest fight. I would stop that right now. That is just pulling you back into their drama.
Your daughter may pick up on even your tension in listening to the fights being described.
Don't let the toxicity of their household seep into yours. Make your home stable and loving for your daughter. Maybe attend a few meetings or get books about ACOA and enabling and alcoholism - this would be helpful for both you and your daughter.
You will feel a lot of emotions as you realize and get validation that this was not a normal stable home environment all of the time.
I read on this forum that parents fighting in front of children is a form of child abuse (this was a poster's opinion) but I copied that phrase to validate it is not normal for kids to witness this nonsense.
And it took me a while to realize ACOA is what applied to our family. It was not at the time just heavy drinking for Mom and enabling by Dad. It truly affects the whole family as if in a play (the sticky describes the different personalities of the Dysfunctional family).
I am with you on the ridiculous fighting and then they act as if all is well, but you get to hear it and witness it or hear about it later.
As a kid all you can do is hide and cover your ears at the fighting (we lived in a big house so I was lucky there - but you still hear the jibs, tension, snarls) but then they could be all lovey and happy after the eruption of the big fight.
You first need to do a boundary. You are an adult now and do not have to listen to the latest fight. I would stop that right now. That is just pulling you back into their drama.
Your daughter may pick up on even your tension in listening to the fights being described.
Don't let the toxicity of their household seep into yours. Make your home stable and loving for your daughter. Maybe attend a few meetings or get books about ACOA and enabling and alcoholism - this would be helpful for both you and your daughter.
You will feel a lot of emotions as you realize and get validation that this was not a normal stable home environment all of the time.
I read on this forum that parents fighting in front of children is a form of child abuse (this was a poster's opinion) but I copied that phrase to validate it is not normal for kids to witness this nonsense.
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Tally
I can related to your post so much. It was my separating from my exAH that got me into Al-anon. I did not live with an active alcoholic in my family, but I think both of my parents had alcoholic parents (one of the Irish Catholic variety). Without recovery in either parent the cycle of addiction continued though it came out in slightly different forms (rage, and codependency). One day in Al-anon I picked up a book about being raised in an alcoholic environment. I had read all the other ones as they applied to me more (I thought). I spent that night up reading the whole thing and scared and the ramifications of what I found.
I am just working on the mom on a pedestal thing. I related to her side of life more and have more in common with her then my brother or father. Just in the last week I have realized I am angry at her though I don't yet know about what. She has been my rock for some long that it is scary being upset with her. I feel out of balance and off kilter but also know I need to feel this to clean out the wound and heal.
Thanks for your post.
I can related to your post so much. It was my separating from my exAH that got me into Al-anon. I did not live with an active alcoholic in my family, but I think both of my parents had alcoholic parents (one of the Irish Catholic variety). Without recovery in either parent the cycle of addiction continued though it came out in slightly different forms (rage, and codependency). One day in Al-anon I picked up a book about being raised in an alcoholic environment. I had read all the other ones as they applied to me more (I thought). I spent that night up reading the whole thing and scared and the ramifications of what I found.
I am just working on the mom on a pedestal thing. I related to her side of life more and have more in common with her then my brother or father. Just in the last week I have realized I am angry at her though I don't yet know about what. She has been my rock for some long that it is scary being upset with her. I feel out of balance and off kilter but also know I need to feel this to clean out the wound and heal.
Thanks for your post.
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