Angry
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Angry
Hello everyone.I am very mad at my parents. I thought I was crazy but after reading here Im starting to understand a little better about myself. My mom went from being a valium addict to a schizophrenic who could not take care of herself. I was forced to behave like an adult at the age of 12. I would take care of her , the home and my brothers. My dad was in complete denial about her situation. He thought she was acting out. He would bring his friends home and I would have to fix dinner for them. She was emotionally unavailable for me. My dad was a professor with a high intellect who is also a perfectionist and workaholic. He would escape through work. I was never good enough for him. He always criticized me for the smallest mistakes. As a result I grew up to be completely insecure, codependent till I finally broke down at the age of 18 when I became an adult. I thought I was always an adult and I don’t need more responsibilities. I was always very responsible with an extremely high sense of guilt. So I decided I did not want to be an adult and turned to drugs. I changed from a completely responsible person to an irresponsible, careless person looking for love in the wrong places. Now at almost 9 months clean, Im very mad and angry at them. I blame them for my lost childhood. I blame them for my codependency and because I have to ask people every single day if I look good to feel good about myself. I blame them for my insecurities and why I feel so numb from inside. They have destroyed my life. Because of them Im in therapy looking for ways to start learning how to function like an adult. Some people use drugs to party but I only used drugs to numb my feelings. I did not want to feel the pain. Now, Im trying to face all the mess clean and not runaway. It’s hard and it’s not easy. I cannot stop crying. They killed everything beautiful in my life. They killed my hopes and dreams . A part of me feels that I dont want to grow. I want to be a child and live the childhood I have lost. I look for constant validation and approval from people to to subsitute the lack of attention and love. I guess Im just rambling but will I ever get over this ? How can I heal all these feelings? I dont know if I should post this here or in substance abuse form so sorry if inappropriate.
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Hi Jane,
I just wanted to say thanks for your post. You said, "Some people use drugs to party but I only used drugs to numb my feelings. I did not want to feel the pain." I used alcohol and drugs for exactly this reason, but couldn't quite put it into words.
When I first entered into recovery, I blamed my parents for my alcoholism and depression. Today, I have forgiven them, but it has taken years of therapy and working a program of recovery (AA).
After hearing some of your story, it makes sense to me that you would feel angry and sad and a lot of other emotions that you may not be able to identify.
Congratulations on getting clean and on making a better life for yourself. PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.
I just wanted to say thanks for your post. You said, "Some people use drugs to party but I only used drugs to numb my feelings. I did not want to feel the pain." I used alcohol and drugs for exactly this reason, but couldn't quite put it into words.
When I first entered into recovery, I blamed my parents for my alcoholism and depression. Today, I have forgiven them, but it has taken years of therapy and working a program of recovery (AA).
After hearing some of your story, it makes sense to me that you would feel angry and sad and a lot of other emotions that you may not be able to identify.
Congratulations on getting clean and on making a better life for yourself. PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
You've come to the right place. I felt the same way.
I still struggle with feelings on a daily basis over a non stop complaining, criticizing mother who quit drinking a long time ago. THe crazy behavior is still there.
Hang out here and you will find help and answers.
I still struggle with feelings on a daily basis over a non stop complaining, criticizing mother who quit drinking a long time ago. THe crazy behavior is still there.
Hang out here and you will find help and answers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Anywhere but the mainstream.
Posts: 402
Hi jane_668, welcome to SR! 
This is a great place to post - you are definitely not alone in the feelings you are describing. Have you read the stickies (especially the 13 characteristics of adult children) at the top of the forum? A lot of what you've described is in there. You're definitely in the right place.
It's sad to read this. And it may very well be true, for now. But that's how it was... not how it's supposed to be. Just like it took years to put the damage there, it'll take some years of work to set it straight. Also, because trying to fix it all at once can be so overwhelming, don't beat yourself up. I hear a lot of frustration and despair in your post; it's hard to imagine or see yourself as getting any better, with how MUCH damage there is still free-floating inside you. However, even though you sound upset, you also sound really in tune with your core emotions right now... You sound honest and hurt - a very powerful, important step in actually finally moving forward. 
I'm an ACoA of an alcoholic father and abusive, codependent mother. For years I was depressed believing my life and my relationship with them would never change. Perfectionism/workaholism was my drug; I wanted to work to stay too exhausted to think about home. I also had a really critical father who would focus on the one B on a report card otherwise full of As. It (among other things) left me feeling extremely insecure. If he doesn't love me after trying that hard, how little will he love me when I actually fail, you know? When I did eventually "fail" as all growing adults do as parting of LEARNING, he often was just "not there", further reinforcing that I would only be loved if I was successful. I never felt his love was unconditional; it felt very much based on what I could do for him (take care of him, make him feel like a big successful father, etc.). I coped by becoming quite obsessive about work; it was not a healthy solution, and eventually it backfired on me. I hit my own bottom, finally acknowledging the destructive role my parents had on my self-worth and ability to stand up for myself. I had been in hard, hard denial until then.
That alone was the biggest turning point in my life so far. It didn't magically get easier after that. Even though I started living for myself, there have still been dark times that I've had to learn how to manage... especially a lot of grief and anger at what I deserved but didn't get from the family I was born into. But it wasn't impossible. Part of recovery is learning new strategies for dealing with old problems. Because up until therapy, I had been using the same rusty old coping strategies I had learned as a child, but they weren't working in my adult world. I can honestly say that 10 years I ago, I would have never imagined myself as happy and successful as I am now. Walking down this road, to this point, only started when I started my own recovery.
So trust me: even though you're in therapy and even though your parents put the problems in you to land you here, you're not defective to the human race. If fact you're already better than most people in that you are self-aware enough to recognize that you need help AND you've done something about! Given your upbringing, I say YES - let's get you some breathing room and some insight to work with here! In the meantime, do keep reading and keep posting. And welcome again to SR!
This is a great place to post - you are definitely not alone in the feelings you are describing. Have you read the stickies (especially the 13 characteristics of adult children) at the top of the forum? A lot of what you've described is in there. You're definitely in the right place.
Originally Posted by jane_668 
They killed everything beautiful in my life.
How can I heal all these feelings?
How can I heal all these feelings?
I'm an ACoA of an alcoholic father and abusive, codependent mother. For years I was depressed believing my life and my relationship with them would never change. Perfectionism/workaholism was my drug; I wanted to work to stay too exhausted to think about home. I also had a really critical father who would focus on the one B on a report card otherwise full of As. It (among other things) left me feeling extremely insecure. If he doesn't love me after trying that hard, how little will he love me when I actually fail, you know? When I did eventually "fail" as all growing adults do as parting of LEARNING, he often was just "not there", further reinforcing that I would only be loved if I was successful. I never felt his love was unconditional; it felt very much based on what I could do for him (take care of him, make him feel like a big successful father, etc.). I coped by becoming quite obsessive about work; it was not a healthy solution, and eventually it backfired on me. I hit my own bottom, finally acknowledging the destructive role my parents had on my self-worth and ability to stand up for myself. I had been in hard, hard denial until then.
That alone was the biggest turning point in my life so far. It didn't magically get easier after that. Even though I started living for myself, there have still been dark times that I've had to learn how to manage... especially a lot of grief and anger at what I deserved but didn't get from the family I was born into. But it wasn't impossible. Part of recovery is learning new strategies for dealing with old problems. Because up until therapy, I had been using the same rusty old coping strategies I had learned as a child, but they weren't working in my adult world. I can honestly say that 10 years I ago, I would have never imagined myself as happy and successful as I am now. Walking down this road, to this point, only started when I started my own recovery.
So trust me: even though you're in therapy and even though your parents put the problems in you to land you here, you're not defective to the human race. If fact you're already better than most people in that you are self-aware enough to recognize that you need help AND you've done something about! Given your upbringing, I say YES - let's get you some breathing room and some insight to work with here! In the meantime, do keep reading and keep posting. And welcome again to SR!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: somewhere
Posts: 917
Thank you gals for your feedback. I appreciate it.Rowan, I am interested to know how you managed to get over these issues?
All my life, I was looking for someone who can understand me and solve my ultimate mystery which is me. I wanted someone to fix me. I knew something is very wrong in me but I did not see any way out. I felt helpless and hopeless. My codependency fueled my drug addiction and vice versa. I was screaming for someone to help me. I used drugs just to show my parents that Im in pain. I wanted to punish them for the pain they caused me but I was only punishing myself. People were trying to reach out to me but they couldnot understand how can a girl who's pretty, well educated and from a good family be in a self destructive mode. They would tell me cant you see your dad how great he's and I would tell them:"no can't you see what he's doing to me and what he did to my mom". I don’t know who's more dysfunctional my mom, dad or me? It's sad and the worst is that he changed a lot after he saw me struggling with drugs but what is the use now? What's done is done. They left deep scars that cannot be erased. But I am certain that I have to deal with all the past baggage, accept it and then move on or else I wont get any better. I don’t want sobriety only, I want to be happy and happiness is related to dealing with all this s**t. I will not allow these memories to destroy me anymore. I want to find the peace Im looking for . I want to reconcile with my past and it will take time. So yeah now I am an adult but with the emotions of a child. Im still trapped in the 12 year old child mentality. A part of me refuses to grow and say that what happened is unfair. My parents stole my childhood from me. Dothi, I was reviewing the 13 characteristics of adult children and these hit me hard.
I criticize myself severely. It's like I am now my worst enemy. If I have a list of 100 things to do and I did 99 % right, I would focus on the 1% wrong and beat myself up. I never appreciate anything I do. I always feel like I am stupid and can never get things right though I work in a very good company with a high salary and I have a bachelor degree in business administration. I remember once telling a friend of mine that Im feeling bad and want to continue my masters degree to forget .He said if that does work then what a PHD .. That hit me . I was running away from me but wherever I go ,I take me with me. This is the problem. There's nowhere to run from myself. I also have tendency to find negative things out of every single situation. My self esteem is so low that if I go anywhere, I think people are talking about me and criticizing me. I even lost 14 kg thinking maybe I'll like myself more. My therapist said no doubt I was self medicating and she's not surprised.
That's me. I always take things very seriously and personal. I get upset when anyway try to make any joke because I take it personal then I would turn aggressive and fight with them.
This is my biggest problem ever. I am un capable of forming intimate relationships or even friendships with anyone. I am usually out going and friendly but when I get real close with people I panic, thinking about every single word they say and taking it personal. So I detach and isolate. As a result I have no real close friends other my NA friends. I would also ask from friends more than they can give. I would ask them if I look thin, beautiful…every single day. I appreciated myself through the eyes of others. If they said Im good , I would feel good and vice versa.
I am like a fuel that is waiting to burn. Anything can set me on fire. I would spend my days fighting with people
.
I feel I am from another planet that is dysfunctional.
This is why I am mad at them. But maybe I am better now just being able to see and identify these feelings in me. I am no more in denial. I can see the impact on me and I do wnat to get better. I am willing to do whatever it takes to feel happy again. Im sick of being miserable and codependent. I want to have a personality and an identity. I want to feel safe to be me and I want to like me.
All my life, I was looking for someone who can understand me and solve my ultimate mystery which is me. I wanted someone to fix me. I knew something is very wrong in me but I did not see any way out. I felt helpless and hopeless. My codependency fueled my drug addiction and vice versa. I was screaming for someone to help me. I used drugs just to show my parents that Im in pain. I wanted to punish them for the pain they caused me but I was only punishing myself. People were trying to reach out to me but they couldnot understand how can a girl who's pretty, well educated and from a good family be in a self destructive mode. They would tell me cant you see your dad how great he's and I would tell them:"no can't you see what he's doing to me and what he did to my mom". I don’t know who's more dysfunctional my mom, dad or me? It's sad and the worst is that he changed a lot after he saw me struggling with drugs but what is the use now? What's done is done. They left deep scars that cannot be erased. But I am certain that I have to deal with all the past baggage, accept it and then move on or else I wont get any better. I don’t want sobriety only, I want to be happy and happiness is related to dealing with all this s**t. I will not allow these memories to destroy me anymore. I want to find the peace Im looking for . I want to reconcile with my past and it will take time. So yeah now I am an adult but with the emotions of a child. Im still trapped in the 12 year old child mentality. A part of me refuses to grow and say that what happened is unfair. My parents stole my childhood from me. Dothi, I was reviewing the 13 characteristics of adult children and these hit me hard.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people
I feel I am from another planet that is dysfunctional.
This is why I am mad at them. But maybe I am better now just being able to see and identify these feelings in me. I am no more in denial. I can see the impact on me and I do wnat to get better. I am willing to do whatever it takes to feel happy again. Im sick of being miserable and codependent. I want to have a personality and an identity. I want to feel safe to be me and I want to like me.
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