Abandoned at 7, still hurting at 46
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Abandoned at 7, still hurting at 46
I don’t even really know how to start this because I don’t really know what I’m asking. Maybe I just need to vent. I know that I’m hurting deeply. I do know that much.
I am a 46-yo woman. My AF left us…my mom, me, and my three baby sisters when I was 7. For another woman. 22 years ago I married my AXH who, 11 years later, left me and my three baby daughters. For another woman. Six weeks ago, I left my XABF after two years of ups and downs. Within two weeks he had found someone else and now she has moved in with him. What is ripping me apart is that he is with someone else. Although she’s not, I feel like she’s the other woman. Even though she is his drinking and drugging partner, I can’t seem to let go of the pain of him BEING with another woman.
Even though I made the choice to leave, and I don’t want him back, and I thank God I am no longer with him, I am dying inside that he went so quickly to someone else. Even though I know that he is medicating with her, I still feel the same abandonment and rejection pain that I felt when my XAH left us.
I am seeing a wonderful Christian counselor who has helped me piece together my reasons for choosing both AXH and AXBF. My AF was not there for me emotionally nor was there ever his physical presence in our house. He spent all his time drinking and womanizing. My AF didn’t give me the love that every little girl deserves from her daddy. Enter the men in my adult life…
Both my AXH and AXBF pursued me heavily. They both treated me like a princess, loved me and wanted me badly, and I now realize that the reason I chose to fall in love with them is because they are both incredibly LIKE my AF, intelligent, successful in their careers, funny, the life of the party, everybody’s buddy…but they WANTED ME and treated me like the princess my AF never did.
I soaked it up, gave powerful love to both, and lost both of them to their first loves – alcohol, and now for the AXBF, throw in marijuana. So, if I know that what has taken them from me is their addictions, and not really the “other woman” why is the “other woman” part so hard?
I know I’m not the only one who wonders why or how someone can choose drugs over people. I understand there is a physiological reason. I understand that my AXBF has deep, deep pain that he doesn’t want to face from his own life. But to choose alcohol and marijuana over what could be true peace and joy...it is so hard for me to grasp that concept. To choose drugs over me and my kids and what could be a beautiful family life…?!?!?!
A year ago, AXBF chose to go for help himself during a time that we were separated. I had cut off all contact with him and he re-entered 6 weeks later…in counseling, wanting change, and wanting me…and I let him back in. But the drugs won. I won’t ever go back to him…not going to happen again, but GOD I HURT. And now he is with someone else. I feel like I LOST…to the drugs and to this “other woman”…even though she came after the fact.
Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever learn how to stop thinking about him. And I have MANY, MANY GOOD things and people in my life. But I lost…and that’s how I feel…like I lost to the other loves.
I understand through my counseling that what I’m looking for is someone like my AF who won’t leave me in the end, because then I can be “healed.” I know that’s not what it’s about. I know that I need to let go and let God take control. The healing will come from somewhere else. But the rejection, the abandonment, the other woman…they all hurt so freaking bad.
I am a 46-yo woman. My AF left us…my mom, me, and my three baby sisters when I was 7. For another woman. 22 years ago I married my AXH who, 11 years later, left me and my three baby daughters. For another woman. Six weeks ago, I left my XABF after two years of ups and downs. Within two weeks he had found someone else and now she has moved in with him. What is ripping me apart is that he is with someone else. Although she’s not, I feel like she’s the other woman. Even though she is his drinking and drugging partner, I can’t seem to let go of the pain of him BEING with another woman.
Even though I made the choice to leave, and I don’t want him back, and I thank God I am no longer with him, I am dying inside that he went so quickly to someone else. Even though I know that he is medicating with her, I still feel the same abandonment and rejection pain that I felt when my XAH left us.
I am seeing a wonderful Christian counselor who has helped me piece together my reasons for choosing both AXH and AXBF. My AF was not there for me emotionally nor was there ever his physical presence in our house. He spent all his time drinking and womanizing. My AF didn’t give me the love that every little girl deserves from her daddy. Enter the men in my adult life…
Both my AXH and AXBF pursued me heavily. They both treated me like a princess, loved me and wanted me badly, and I now realize that the reason I chose to fall in love with them is because they are both incredibly LIKE my AF, intelligent, successful in their careers, funny, the life of the party, everybody’s buddy…but they WANTED ME and treated me like the princess my AF never did.
I soaked it up, gave powerful love to both, and lost both of them to their first loves – alcohol, and now for the AXBF, throw in marijuana. So, if I know that what has taken them from me is their addictions, and not really the “other woman” why is the “other woman” part so hard?
I know I’m not the only one who wonders why or how someone can choose drugs over people. I understand there is a physiological reason. I understand that my AXBF has deep, deep pain that he doesn’t want to face from his own life. But to choose alcohol and marijuana over what could be true peace and joy...it is so hard for me to grasp that concept. To choose drugs over me and my kids and what could be a beautiful family life…?!?!?!
A year ago, AXBF chose to go for help himself during a time that we were separated. I had cut off all contact with him and he re-entered 6 weeks later…in counseling, wanting change, and wanting me…and I let him back in. But the drugs won. I won’t ever go back to him…not going to happen again, but GOD I HURT. And now he is with someone else. I feel like I LOST…to the drugs and to this “other woman”…even though she came after the fact.
Sometimes I feel like I won’t ever learn how to stop thinking about him. And I have MANY, MANY GOOD things and people in my life. But I lost…and that’s how I feel…like I lost to the other loves.
I understand through my counseling that what I’m looking for is someone like my AF who won’t leave me in the end, because then I can be “healed.” I know that’s not what it’s about. I know that I need to let go and let God take control. The healing will come from somewhere else. But the rejection, the abandonment, the other woman…they all hurt so freaking bad.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 581
Healing, I relate to your story a lot. Had an absentee AF and lots of ABF's through the years and finally married a really inappropriate alcoholic man who also turned out to be an ex meth addict and a huge weed addict. And bipolar. Suffice it to say, it took me 2 whole years to come to grips and ger separated, then another 6 months of drama after that to get divorced. I feel like I am finally realizing so much about myself as a person and a woman, and am also sober myself. Marrying the XAH sent my drinking into a major downward spiral and I was heading into insanity with him...but the grace of God saved me and I am now free of him and free of obsession.
Anyway, I am 45 and feel like, who the heck have I been for the past 20 years?! OK, time to look in the mirror and say "Hello, gorgeous! Ready for some sanity?"
Your pain will get less as you get better. You are choosing sanity. Excellent choice! He, on the other hand, will keep falling deeper into the abyss. Thank God you are not going with him!
Big hug,
Soph
Anyway, I am 45 and feel like, who the heck have I been for the past 20 years?! OK, time to look in the mirror and say "Hello, gorgeous! Ready for some sanity?"
Your pain will get less as you get better. You are choosing sanity. Excellent choice! He, on the other hand, will keep falling deeper into the abyss. Thank God you are not going with him!
Big hug,
Soph
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Thank you Soph, for your encouragement. I just finished reading a description of abandonment sufferers at abandonment.net. It was a huge WOW for me. It was recommended by Kittyboo on another thread in Friends and Fam of A's. You might check it out! Congratulations on your sobriety!!! Hugs to you too! 
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