SadButHopeful

I want to do what's best for my kids. I have an ah and I've posted a lot on this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-evening.html.

Thanks to those who've already offered their input! Pls help me out. My kids are the most important thing to me.

dothi

SadButHopeful. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father and codependent mom. This does not sound unfamiliar to me. Every alcoholic household is different, and though there wasn't much day-to-day hellion behavior in mine, but I remember the household of my AF's drinking buddy.

Drinking buddy had a son who all the babysitters knew was a nightmare to babysit. Out-of-control, no respect for authority, would harass his sister to no end. Mom tried to parent, but ultimately the mood of the house was set by the alcoholic dad.

IMHO, I believe the son originally acted out because his dad was always ignoring him. The dad just didn't have more interest in his kids than he did a beer and being at the bar in the evenings. He did not intervene when the older son was harrassing the younger sister. Worse yet, as the son grew up, the dad coped with the out-of-control behavior by yelling A LOT. It just pushed the son to be more and more out of control because this way, at least, he was getting some of his dad's attention.

Hard pressed to compete with her brother for the parents' attention this way, the daughter was very withdrawn growing up. Sometimes she antagonized her brother too, but ultimately she was ignored. She left home as early as she could, into drugs and parting with her friends. She is still high school aged.

Take what you like and leave the rest. I can tell you right now - for any family - as long as the alcoholic is there he/she is the focus of everyone's attention. In my house, mom could work hard to make it look normal all she liked; that didn't change the fact that we were all focused on how sober dad was going to be at birthdays and christmas. What mom reinforced by staying was that all of this craziness is okay in normal relationships. Is it okay for someone to love you, and be too drunk to remember your name on your 15th birthday? (borrowed my sister's memory) Hmmm, then maybe it's okay in other relationships too, especially those with men

Your children are just that - children. And if you think it's hard for a grown adult (you) to understand the craziness AH brings into the house, please recognize that it's really actually impossible for your children to understand. You know what healthy relationships look like from other experiences you've had - they don't. They are limited to what they see with mom and dad. And yes, even mom can become part of it. Even though they may all respond the same or differently, kids know when mom is miserable/raging/despressed/etc. And unless someone shows them how to react appropriately, they may learn to ignore/dismiss/mock/not care/panic/etc. in response.

Is having your husband in the home to play "father" going to have a better outcome on your children than a single parent whose healthy behavior they can focus on?

Prozac

As dothi mentions each alcoholic family is unique. Being raised in one I can say that it tore me apart, I'm guess your kids are young get, but... I was the perfect daughter holding it all together, parenting my alcoholic father and being the husband to my mother and the parent to my younger siblings.

It tore me apart so much that I started acting out in other ways. While being an A student and "Student of the Month" (the school never knew what my mom was talking about, I knew how to put on appearances) I would run away, self-harm, be hospitalized. I thought I was crazy. Moved away just before my 18th birthday and slowly began to heal, all that stuff quickly dropped off, while the healing process continues. Only in the past few years have I realized it wasn't a fluke, I wasn't crazy, they were.

My mother continued to hang in there, too late in my opinion, for the sake of my siblings. A couple of years ago it dawned on her that having a two parent household (she was well beyond detach with love, it was total apathy) wasn't worth it. They will never be as damaged (I hope) as I was, going through the worst of it - the fights, the drama, the pre-therapy years, but... And again, each family is different.

guiab

Hi sadbuthopeful,
I really can't add much to the great advice already given, except for this:

Elsewhere in this forum a recovering AH stated (roughly) "My recovery is my first priority, ahead of my wife, my children, and my job, because without recovery I will not have any of these." Sadly, for a non-recovering alcoholic, like my parents, the reverse is true: the drink is the most important thing in life, a relationship to be maintained at all cost, and it is a greater priority than husband/wife, children, or a job.

You are clearly struggling with the 'should I stay/go' issue. I won't give you any specific recommendation on that. I would have benefited from having an adult make it clear to me, at the end of every alcohol-related crisis, at the end of any given day, my parents' addictions were more important to them than their children, and that their poor choices did not reflect on my value as a person, and that there was nothing I could do to change them.

SadButHopeful

I don't know. I mean, they are going to have a hard time with their father whether I stay or go, right? They are 6, 4, and 6 months. The oldest 2 miss him already when he's in a drunken stupor and can't be with us at bedtime. I think that a separation or divorce would really traumatize them. My parents divorced when I was 11 and I still remember the terrible heartache I suffered from it.

Things have gotten so difficult with my AH. He is non-functioning. He does minimal work. He "loves" them - with affection, but not with action, he's not doing his role.

What would I tell them if we slit up? How do I explain this? I am CLUELESS as to how to deal with this situation with my LO's.

discontentmiser

well, I'm not sure how to deal with little kids
but my parents are going through a divorce right now
(I'm still living at home, so I get to watch all their arguments)

When I found out they were splitting up, I was very relieved because I know they'll be happier apart, and that they don't get along.

Now, I'm a young adult (sometimes, sometimes I'm just a silly teen) so I was able to realized that the divorce is for the best.

I'm not sure little kids will be able to understand.

But what I DO know is that having a AF actively drinking and not being there for me,
it really screwed me up.

I hope I didn't confuse you more...

DM

kudzujean

My mother (finally) left my father when I was nearly 6 years old, my older sister 7 and younger 2 years old.

three months later my father died from cirrhosis of the liver.

I have no pleasant memories of him. I have always wished my mother had left him earlier. IMO, you are doing your children no favor by staying with him.

SadButHopeful

Thanks everyone so much. I wrote more about it under "Not Going Back" in the F&F section.

Now that I'm not there anymore I know that my kids will be so much better off not having a drunken father around every afternoon and evening. I guess I was trying to hold onto an idea that it would be better for them but now I see that it is going to be much better this way.

Thanks again!

SadButHopeful

I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing