Mandjas

I really, really do appreciate all of the words of wisdom on here and without a doubt would never have had the courage for no-contact over the last 5 weeks.

I have a new dilemma! After talking about the situation at length my husband and I have decided to go back to Australia. Basically every reason why we came has not worked out:

• We don't have extended family in OZ so we thought we would have a great time in the UK due to having both of our families here (baby sitters on tap). My husbands parents live a 2 hour drive away and obviously things have gone bad with my parents.
  
• Originally my son was supposed to be at home 2 days and nursery 3 days - but that was stopped very early on.
  
• We were living with my parents to save money to buy a house when we went back to Oz - now we are broke as have a house and lot's of bills to pay and full time nursery to pay for.

So the 3 main reasons we came here in the first place haven't worked out and neither of us are happy here, so yesterday we booked our flights to go home in 3 months.

Now! I feel a desire to tell my mom that we are leaving so that she makes a choice either way as to what she wants to do re seeing us or not. I would feel awful if I just continued to let her ignore me and leave without telling her. But I don't want her to feel that we are spiting her and it's a threat of punishment etc but I also do not want her to think that I have forgotten my boundaries and we can play happy families until we leave. I am throwing around a few idea's:

1. Just leave it and see if they make contact in the future.
2. Go and see them face to face and tell them, then leave them to think about their options (that need to comply with my boundaries)
3. Tell my dad and see what he feels is the best way to approach it
4. Write her another letter spelling it out for her.

I couldn't live with myself if I just up and went and never gave her any warning. She would have lost a moment that she can never get back - as I don't anticipate coming back to the UK for a LONG time.

Thoughts?

Iwanttoheal

Hi Amanda

That sentence jumped right out at me - I am happy for you, home is the best place to be.


What I have learnt in my journey so far, is that I have to do what is right for me and that is okay. Choose to do what is right for you.

Remember, whatever you decide to do, you cannot control how your Mum chooses to react - if she feels spited or that you are punishing her, then that is her choice.

IWTHxxx

reverse

i agree..do whats right 4 you. I wrote my mom a letter telling her that we were moving to a different state b/c there was no point telling her in person. She'd argue her case and make me feel so guilty and unloyal. I simply told her in a letter so that I'd avoid her constant insults about the decisions I need to make in my life...when my best interests have never been on the forefront of her mind. I figure, by telling her in a letter, at least it's better than not telling her at all. Surely, she completely ignored the issue that I plan on moving out of state, but that's her problem; not mine.

Again, it's not your responsibilty for how she responds. It's not your fault. She is failing to do her part in her relationships and there's nothing you can do about that. No one can make her choices for her. IF she wants to push her daughter's family away, then that is her right--as sad as it is and as much as it hurts.

I know in my mother's eyes, I am selfish for not picking up the phone, going along and faking a good relationship to the world, allowing myself to be used and abused, etc. Therefore, even thought she doesn't deserve her feelings to be considered b/c of her actions, I still at least try to be brief in a letter. I know my actions won't change her behavior in anyway...I could be the Pope or Mother Mary and it still wouldn't matter.

Take it easy.

Mandjas

Thanks guys. Everytime I read your messages I kind of know how the sentence is going to end while I'm reading. Almost like I know what the answers should be but it really helps me to hear what you think.

I managed to REALLY open up to my husband tonight, about how I am feeling and what I'm thinking. It was very rational and I didn't cry or loose become hopeless (which is a big step for me) as I often become overwhelmed and get emotional. He tries to understand as best he can and he backs me completely - to what ever I decide to do. That's why your sharing means to much to me, that way I don't feel I am burdened with the decisions. As you all keep telling me, it's her choice! I have to make my own

reverse

Yes, dear...don't feel bad about doing what u need to do for yourself ok? I know its hard, but sometimes life has to go on with or without the people we love. I have realized that I can't put birthday parties, sunshine days, happy smiles, holiday celebrations on hold all b/c my mom doesn't want to come around. I have to allow myself to live my life and realize that I deserve happiness. Hang in there ((hugs))

husbandofacoa

From my standpoint, I like to write a letter or email when I am dealing with some of the difficult people in my life. Some of them want to twist what I have said into something its not. When it is written down, there is no doubt what I have said. It also allows me to be very careful with what I say.

If it were me, I would communicate with her and let her know that I was leaving. I would say what I needed to say but not say anything nasty or call anyone names or make accusations. If you would like to see her before you go, I would say so. If you really don't care to see her but want to give her the opportunity, I would say something like "if you want to see us we will be here for another 3 months...".

I would tell the truth and state my feelings but as the saying goes, "say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean".

The most important thing is this: Don't have any expectations on your mother. What you say is for your benefit. Don't expect it to change her or for her to react the way you want. You do what is right for you, behave well, don't say anything that you will regret and then let it go. Don't have any guilt and don't set yourself up with expectations on someone who has a track record for letting you down.

Good luck.

Mandjas

Thank you I take on board your comments and I think a letter may well be a good idea. At least that way it won't end in an argument/confrontation and it may look like I am backing down on my boundaries if I go and see her.

I know I have to brace myself that she may continue to not speak to me but at least I have closure that I have spelt it out very clear to her of what is expected if SHE WANTS to see us. If SHE chooses not to then at least I have eliminated doubt and I have a clear conscience to continue doing what's right for me.

I was thinking of something like this:

We haven't spoken for a while but it doesn't mean I don't think about you, because I do and I hope you are keeping well.

I am starting to consider that our no contact is turning into a family rift now - something that neither Jas or I wanted but we respect that you don't wish to speak to us at the moment.

The reason I am contacting you is because we have decided to go home earlier than we originally planned. This is mainly due to the financial strain with storage & bills in Oz, full time nursery fees and bills for our rental - we aren't achieving any of the things we came over here to do and the lease on our house is up for renewal.

I have been in a programme with ala-non for the last month and that is helping me to understand a little more about how I can deal with my own feelings about your situation. It has re-inforced to me that I cannot change you and more importantly I don't have the right to try and change what you are doing - because only you can decide if or when you want to stop drinking. All I can do is ensure that I minimalise the impact it has on me and my family. If you respect what I want for my own child then I will of course be happy for you to come and see us, or to come and see you, or meet you somewhere so that you can spend time with him. All we ask is that there is no drinking involved when you are around him.

I couldn't live with my conscience if I left without letting you know what our plans are but I will leave it to you to decide if you want to see us before we leave in February.

tromboneliness

How about this version (with the snipped section taken out)? People who are not in recovery tend to get defensive if you mention that you go to Al-Anon -- which, if they've heard of it at all, is "that cult where you go and talk about me." Might be better to be more circumspect, and just stick to "you're welcome to see us before we go, as long as you don't drink."

Can't help it -- I'm an editor by trade

T

reverse

Yes, I completely agree. I would advise to cut out the Al-anon part as well. That is something that only you can understand and it will usually only serve to aggravate the person with the drinking problem b/c they are in denial. They also may minimize your boundaries even more and lash out worse. I used to try to say things to my mom like, I'm seeing a drug and alcohol counselor or talk about the patients I'd take care of who were dying from alcoholism/cirrhosis/hepatitis/esophageal and stomach cancers, etc. in hopes to show her that I know what I"m talking about. Didn't work though. My mom has no problem admitting that other people have drinking problems (she'll even go as far as ripping on them!). However, she NEVER is one of them despite the fact that she's been drinking heavily every night since I was 2 years old--25 years now.

Other than that, it's a great letter; short and straight-to-the point. Good for you to stand your ground. I know how hard it is, but it will get easier. Maintaining respect for yourself is what matters!
Thanks for sharing!

GingerM

I also agree with Tromboneliness' edit. I think leaving out any reference to Al-anon is for the best. Putting it in will only cause more drama. Best to stick to the facts and just the facts:

1. I still care about you.
2. I thought you should know we're moving back to Oz (and here's why)
3. The deal with seeing your grandchild still stands: honor my boundaries or don't see him.

I think that's it in a nutshell. No reason to poke an angry bull with a stick.

takincareome

I'm sorry I've missed many of your posts -- I have been out of the country on a trip!

But yes, I think it's great to see you taking care of yourself and your family. Just in seeing this post, I'm struck by how much progress you have made! You are doing so well!

I agree with the edit suggested by tromboneliness. Don't open a door for their defensiveness. Just say what you need to say and leave it at that.

Mandjas

Thank you all so much for your continuing support. Apart from the odd panic about feeling like I am being harsh, I am starting to become more comfortable with the idea that I can do what's best for my family without feeling like the worst person in the world!

We told all of my husbands family over the weekend and they were all really happy for us (sad to see us go) but really supportive of our decision. We have had all sorts of offers with moving, lifts to the airport, babysitting for our Xmas parties, somewhere to live if we loose our jobs etc etc etc. They have also arranged for us to have a long weekend break (with the whole family) in a cottage in Devon before we go.

As a stark contrast I have sent my mom the edited email above. Now I need some pearls of wisdom on how to let go and let god. I have heard this expression a lot in ala-non but am not really sure how to apply it.

I have only just sent it and I keep checking my email in-box every 2 minutes, with a feeling of dred in my stomach! I'm not as bad as imagining how she will react or what she thinks of me just yet but old habits die hard and I'm sure I will be heading in that direction later! I will definately go to my meeting tonight but am hoping I won't obsess about it all day.

kittykitty

I admire you for how you stand up for yourself, and hold your ground. I am new here, and seeing other people do what I wish I could do is very promising, that someday I will be able to do it too.