Should I enable my disabled father?
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: London, UK
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Should I enable my disabled father?
Hello all you remarkable people - first time caller, amazed at the helpfulness and strength in here - even those of you who feel lost, you've done the right thing by finding this forum. I wish I'd done the same a long time ago.
I've got a question having read many threads but nothing quite similar to my situation - but forgive me if I haven't delved deep enough.
My father is a career alcoholic (30 years odd), now 72 - trapped in cycles of horrible drinking, holing himself up in his bedroom for months, then hitting rock bottom, and usually drying out after a spell in rehab or hospital. As he got older those spells were usually caused by a bad fall or, in one or two cases, a stroke; rehab never worked for him and he has never been to meetings. He has also just about survived prostate cancer, and has been diagones with early onset Parkinson's.
He is also, even at the best of times, a cold, unsociable, unemotional, closed person - his family is Minnesotan Scandinavian, not that all of them are the same as him, but I read a good book once about Minnesotan emotions - and he's always been much happier with a newspaper than a conversation. He has never been violent, or abusive or anything like that, but is remarkably selfish and disinterested in others.
My mother was the most friendly, caring, giving and forgiving person imaginable, and despite thinking of leaving him over the years never did, but survived on the support from her many friends, and the scraps of the good times with my Dad (they had common hobbies, and travelled.) After his stroke and subsequent impaired mobility (more below) she was his carer and did everything for him. She died of cancer in November and his world fell apart - he has no friends, is not close to his wider family, and has no skills at all to manage his life. His daughter from his first marriage (my half-sister) lives thousands of miles away; I am close by, but only geographically, not emotionally - but we have always got on politely. I and my wife have a small baby and we run a small company, so are unable to replace my mother in terms of his daily care.
Because of his stroke / bad falls, he is semi-disabled and can only move very slowly. He lives in a four-storey house with several staircases, but which have been heavily customised to help him - extra grab-rails, bath seats, etc. He can function generally around the house when sober.
After six months on the wagon, he started drinking shortly before my mother died (and had to be dragged to the hospice she was in to say 'goodbye'), and it deteriorated steadily over the next few months until he: was drinking 1.5 litres of whisky a day, eating nothing, not returning phone calls or e-mails to anyone, being doubly incontinent (all over the house - one end from the prostate cancer, the other from the drinking), breaking household fittings and eventually falling heavily down stairs, cutting his head open on a radiator and knocking a huge hole in a wall.
During this period he was expecting me, without asking me much, to provide for him - groceries, cash when he wanted it, to organise his cleaner, I paid bills for him (when his handwriting became so bad his cheques were illegible), etc. But he also managed to take a taxi to a supermarket to buy alcohol. He lived an entirely nocturnal life so I barely saw him, just checked that he was alive every few days.
After the bad falls I got his doctor to visit the house, who told him "Go to hospital now or I will be signing your death certificate within a month". Amazingly he took the advice, went in an ambulance, did 5 days detox in one hospital and then 3 weeks of mobility rehab in another for older people. He hated the latter and didn't see why he hadn't been discharged after a week. When he was discharged, he refused any ongoing care (offered) from the hospital, told them that his son would look after him, and refused my offers to organise more visitors, cooks, etc, anything other than one visit from his cleaner a week (who is meant to handle the whole house and laundry of an incontinent man in two hours).
He started drinking again the day he got out of hospital, so no spell of effort this time. He has fallen at least twice since then (bruising and cutting his face) but refuses any medical attention, or any suggestion that he should live with me and my wife, or in a one-storey flat, or in any kind of residential care. He tells us not to worry. At the same time he is expecting me to continue to fill his fridge and provide for him in other ways (when we went round today, so that my wife could scream at him (because she needed to try), he asked me to take his bank card and get him cash. He apparently hadn't had a drink today. May be connected.)
Now - thank you so much if you have taken the time to read this long. I have read a lot in these forums, and been so comforted by what I have read. But a consistent message seems to be "stop enabling the addict". My questions are - if anyone has any advice at all I would be so very grateful:
(a) My father is a disabled man, unable to drive, unable to leave his house (as he can't walk for long distances) - does the same advice still apply?
(b) If I do stop enabling him, where do I draw the line in terms of what I don't do for him and do do? I know what he /can/ do for himself - he orders books on the Internet, so he's perfectly capable of ordering groceries (we have excellent supermarket deliveries in London); he also, as it happens, gets taxis to supermarkets to buy his whisky, and has been known to buy food while he's there. But he is definitely frail and finds it difficult to do other things, like bending down to load laundry (even if he'd ever tried to do laundry in his life). How do I differentiate between things he chooses not to do as an alcoholic, and things he can't do as a disabled man?
(c) If I simply organise private care for him (someone who visits to clean, shop and wash his clothes) - having cancelled his cleaner because she was too traumatised by the month before he went into hospital - but loosen my ties with him myself, to protect my own family - is that still enabling him?
So many other thoughts and questions, all to do with guilt, selfishness and my total lack of medical training to adjudicate on his ability to function on his own - his hospital doctors and social workers have been awful (only assessing him on how he was in hospital, while sober, despite my please) - luckily his local doctor is very helpful, but his hands are tied - anyway I have gone on for too long. If I could summarise my question, it is:
"I get the message that there is no end to the cycle if I continue to sustain his comfortable existence. But given his disability, my mother's death and his loneliness, is that still perhaps the best thing to do?"
Thanks for any insights anyone might give me. I wish I'd asked for advice 20 years ago, and been able to advise my mother better. I also hope, when things calm down, that I can take the time to offer a couple of insights back on other threads.
Circ
I've got a question having read many threads but nothing quite similar to my situation - but forgive me if I haven't delved deep enough.
My father is a career alcoholic (30 years odd), now 72 - trapped in cycles of horrible drinking, holing himself up in his bedroom for months, then hitting rock bottom, and usually drying out after a spell in rehab or hospital. As he got older those spells were usually caused by a bad fall or, in one or two cases, a stroke; rehab never worked for him and he has never been to meetings. He has also just about survived prostate cancer, and has been diagones with early onset Parkinson's.
He is also, even at the best of times, a cold, unsociable, unemotional, closed person - his family is Minnesotan Scandinavian, not that all of them are the same as him, but I read a good book once about Minnesotan emotions - and he's always been much happier with a newspaper than a conversation. He has never been violent, or abusive or anything like that, but is remarkably selfish and disinterested in others.
My mother was the most friendly, caring, giving and forgiving person imaginable, and despite thinking of leaving him over the years never did, but survived on the support from her many friends, and the scraps of the good times with my Dad (they had common hobbies, and travelled.) After his stroke and subsequent impaired mobility (more below) she was his carer and did everything for him. She died of cancer in November and his world fell apart - he has no friends, is not close to his wider family, and has no skills at all to manage his life. His daughter from his first marriage (my half-sister) lives thousands of miles away; I am close by, but only geographically, not emotionally - but we have always got on politely. I and my wife have a small baby and we run a small company, so are unable to replace my mother in terms of his daily care.
Because of his stroke / bad falls, he is semi-disabled and can only move very slowly. He lives in a four-storey house with several staircases, but which have been heavily customised to help him - extra grab-rails, bath seats, etc. He can function generally around the house when sober.
After six months on the wagon, he started drinking shortly before my mother died (and had to be dragged to the hospice she was in to say 'goodbye'), and it deteriorated steadily over the next few months until he: was drinking 1.5 litres of whisky a day, eating nothing, not returning phone calls or e-mails to anyone, being doubly incontinent (all over the house - one end from the prostate cancer, the other from the drinking), breaking household fittings and eventually falling heavily down stairs, cutting his head open on a radiator and knocking a huge hole in a wall.
During this period he was expecting me, without asking me much, to provide for him - groceries, cash when he wanted it, to organise his cleaner, I paid bills for him (when his handwriting became so bad his cheques were illegible), etc. But he also managed to take a taxi to a supermarket to buy alcohol. He lived an entirely nocturnal life so I barely saw him, just checked that he was alive every few days.
After the bad falls I got his doctor to visit the house, who told him "Go to hospital now or I will be signing your death certificate within a month". Amazingly he took the advice, went in an ambulance, did 5 days detox in one hospital and then 3 weeks of mobility rehab in another for older people. He hated the latter and didn't see why he hadn't been discharged after a week. When he was discharged, he refused any ongoing care (offered) from the hospital, told them that his son would look after him, and refused my offers to organise more visitors, cooks, etc, anything other than one visit from his cleaner a week (who is meant to handle the whole house and laundry of an incontinent man in two hours).
He started drinking again the day he got out of hospital, so no spell of effort this time. He has fallen at least twice since then (bruising and cutting his face) but refuses any medical attention, or any suggestion that he should live with me and my wife, or in a one-storey flat, or in any kind of residential care. He tells us not to worry. At the same time he is expecting me to continue to fill his fridge and provide for him in other ways (when we went round today, so that my wife could scream at him (because she needed to try), he asked me to take his bank card and get him cash. He apparently hadn't had a drink today. May be connected.)
Now - thank you so much if you have taken the time to read this long. I have read a lot in these forums, and been so comforted by what I have read. But a consistent message seems to be "stop enabling the addict". My questions are - if anyone has any advice at all I would be so very grateful:
(a) My father is a disabled man, unable to drive, unable to leave his house (as he can't walk for long distances) - does the same advice still apply?
(b) If I do stop enabling him, where do I draw the line in terms of what I don't do for him and do do? I know what he /can/ do for himself - he orders books on the Internet, so he's perfectly capable of ordering groceries (we have excellent supermarket deliveries in London); he also, as it happens, gets taxis to supermarkets to buy his whisky, and has been known to buy food while he's there. But he is definitely frail and finds it difficult to do other things, like bending down to load laundry (even if he'd ever tried to do laundry in his life). How do I differentiate between things he chooses not to do as an alcoholic, and things he can't do as a disabled man?
(c) If I simply organise private care for him (someone who visits to clean, shop and wash his clothes) - having cancelled his cleaner because she was too traumatised by the month before he went into hospital - but loosen my ties with him myself, to protect my own family - is that still enabling him?
So many other thoughts and questions, all to do with guilt, selfishness and my total lack of medical training to adjudicate on his ability to function on his own - his hospital doctors and social workers have been awful (only assessing him on how he was in hospital, while sober, despite my please) - luckily his local doctor is very helpful, but his hands are tied - anyway I have gone on for too long. If I could summarise my question, it is:
"I get the message that there is no end to the cycle if I continue to sustain his comfortable existence. But given his disability, my mother's death and his loneliness, is that still perhaps the best thing to do?"
Thanks for any insights anyone might give me. I wish I'd asked for advice 20 years ago, and been able to advise my mother better. I also hope, when things calm down, that I can take the time to offer a couple of insights back on other threads.
Circ
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
As you live in the UK, would social services not help with his day to day needs? Why not see if you can get help from them?
Some kind of home help could go in every day, or if he's assessed to need it, more help and support.
If that kind of support for your father is in place, and you knew his daily needs were being met, you would be able to think about how much, or little you wanted to detach yourself to enable you to look after yourself and your family.
Some kind of home help could go in every day, or if he's assessed to need it, more help and support.
If that kind of support for your father is in place, and you knew his daily needs were being met, you would be able to think about how much, or little you wanted to detach yourself to enable you to look after yourself and your family.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 5
Thanks Lucy - I did call his local council social services a few months ago - they said "Unless he agrees to be assessed by us, we can't help him at all." And they agreed that that was unhelpful in an alcoholic's case - but no chance of my father agreeing to be assessed. If anyone's had a different experience I'd be interested...!
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Circ, I liked your idea here:
Normally, you're right, we'll often say "stop enabling". But for many, myself included, there is a delicate line when dealing with an older parent, and the overarching thing I personally have to keep in mind is always "Do what you can live with, GL."
Would your "C" above not solve many of the issues you are having in terms of being able to detach from his poor choices?
You cannot change his choices, stop him from drinking, make him new friends, or otherwise change his nature. You simply can't. If he chooses to drink himself to an earlier death, he will do that, and it is his right as a human being.
But it seems to me - an outsider admittedly - that the above option would do a little "guilt management" to allow you to make sure his basic needs are cared for AND would also allow you to back away from day-to-day contact with him, so you don't have to take a front-row seat to his decision.
What are your thoughts there?
Hugs to you, as you work through these difficult days
(c) If I simply organise private care for him (someone who visits to clean, shop and wash his clothes) - having cancelled his cleaner because she was too traumatised by the month before he went into hospital - but loosen my ties with him myself, to protect my own family - is that still enabling him?
Would your "C" above not solve many of the issues you are having in terms of being able to detach from his poor choices?
You cannot change his choices, stop him from drinking, make him new friends, or otherwise change his nature. You simply can't. If he chooses to drink himself to an earlier death, he will do that, and it is his right as a human being.
But it seems to me - an outsider admittedly - that the above option would do a little "guilt management" to allow you to make sure his basic needs are cared for AND would also allow you to back away from day-to-day contact with him, so you don't have to take a front-row seat to his decision.
What are your thoughts there?
Hugs to you, as you work through these difficult days
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: London, UK
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GL - thank you! - going to sleep on that one, but immediately it's a bit relieving. That's the position my wife has taken (until her infuriatingly unsuccessful chat with him today) - she's Mediterranean and the idea of just abandoning an older person is anathema to her. I guess I've just been talking myself into a harsher position probably out of anger. But you're right, there is no changing of him (if he was younger and had something to live for then maybe), and if I have to watch him kill himself then I don't want to torture him at the same time...
Thank you both. Circ.
Thank you both. Circ.
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I suppose one worry I have though is - what an enormous emotional load on the person hired to deal with him. I'm sure most care agencies are used to dealing with older, but relatively sane people - not people who will barely speak to them and might have left blood on radiators etc. And then I think well I can soak up that load and do it myself, and then I think I really can't, any more, and then...
I know there are cleaning companies who specialise in crime scenes etc. Are there care agencies who specialise in problem cases? Wondering aloud...
I know there are cleaning companies who specialise in crime scenes etc. Are there care agencies who specialise in problem cases? Wondering aloud...
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You would definitely have to find the right agency, but that's their job, really. From my niece, I learned that agencies who work with older people are often accustomed to all manner of gore, from blood to urine to feces, because their clients are at all stages of losing control. You may not find the right one right away, but you can keep looking until the right fit is found. Give yourself permission to explore this option. It's okay
As for your wife....you don't have to "abandon" him. You just want the freedom to choose when you spend time with him, am I correct? And the ability to stop doing the things for him that he obviously could do himself, but you've placed yourself in the role of provider so...why should he want to change?
This might serve to change things up a bit. And you can still see him when the time is healthy for you to do so.
As for your wife....you don't have to "abandon" him. You just want the freedom to choose when you spend time with him, am I correct? And the ability to stop doing the things for him that he obviously could do himself, but you've placed yourself in the role of provider so...why should he want to change?
This might serve to change things up a bit. And you can still see him when the time is healthy for you to do so.
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Location: Manchester UK
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Originally Posted by CircularEye 
I suppose one worry I have though is - what an enormous emotional load on the person hired to deal with him. I'm sure most care agencies are used to dealing with older, but relatively sane people - not people who will barely speak to them and might have left blood on radiators etc. And then I think well I can soak up that load and do it myself, and then I think I really can't, any more, and then...
I know there are cleaning companies who specialise in crime scenes etc. Are there care agencies who specialise in problem cases? Wondering aloud...
I know there are cleaning companies who specialise in crime scenes etc. Are there care agencies who specialise in problem cases? Wondering aloud...
I work for a company who actually do do stuff like that sometimes. It is emotional at times, but we can go home at the end of the day without the family responsibility, and the staff get a lot of support.
We get cases refferred to us by social services though, and as I'm nowhere near London I have no idea of any local to you. Maybe give SS a push and ask them what's available to you privately if they can't help.
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