shoregirl

I have often wondered how to respond to people (specifically my friends) in regards to my AM. I have some really good friends, but most of them do not have an alcoholic parent, so I never really bring up, explain or talk about my situation with them. A lot of my girlfriends are getting married/having babies and while their parents know me from showers and gatherings etc. my friends do not know my parents. They often ask me to invite my mother to things or question me on where my mother is, and why I don't do things with her. I often just say that my mother is really busy and isn't really very social. I think this has put them out a bit. On the few occassions I am honest and shrug and say that my mother and I are just not close, my friends seem really uncomfortable.

This has also gotten in the way with boyfriends or guys I date b/c I just don't like to talk about my mother, unless it is with the few people I know who have gone through a similar situation. I never want to bring anyone to meet my Mom unless it is absolutely necessary. While I have been honest with my past BFs, about my mom when pressed, I still will not talk about her in depth. One xBF kept telling me to open up about my feelings and kept trying to see if there were ways to fix my mother (hello, been there, done that) -- then he told me it was very wierd that I was so detached and "unemotional". I broke up with him (there were other reasons as well).

I am just wondering if others out there are the same way and how you respond to these situations? It is not that I don't care or deal with my mother, but I really don't like to bring people in unless they understand.

Thanks again for all your help everyone.

GiveLove

For a long time, I let my shame over my alcoholic parents and siblings dictate what I said to my friends about them. There were some very bad times before I learned to NOT have them around my friends etc., and for a long time afterward, when people would ask me about them, I would lie.

But now, I just tell the truth.

I didn't invite my stepmother to my wedding, for example (horrors, I know!) But the fact is she's a raging drunk and I wasn't about to have this event ruined for all of the other people there, people who'd stuck by me for years.

And when they asked where she was, I just told them this:

"I'd love to have her here with a clear conscience, but the truth is she's an alcoholic. She can't control herself in these situations, and I didn't want to ruin it by having her here. Hey, have you tried the crab dip? It's REALLY good....." (change subject, walk away)

If someone presses (and they never do) I just tell them that my childhood left me with some baggage that I'm working through bit by bit, and thanks for asking, and can we now talk about something else?

You don't have to make it a big Deep Discussion or anything....I mean, it doesn't have to turn into a litany of All Your Mom's Done To You or anything like that. But you can tell the truth if you want. Quietly, simply. Your mom has a big problem with alcohol, and therefore you are much more comfortable and relaxed when she's not there. That's the fact, right?

Your mother's actions are not a reflection of you, shoregirl. You're not the one sucking on a bottle. You are you, your mom is your mom. Your friends will respect you for being strong and self-protective.

Aesakitty

I just tell people I do not have a lot to do with my parents. Only a few people press the issue, and I just tell them that my parents make decisions that I do not agree with. This usuially ends the comversation. All of my close friends know what is wrong with them, and understand. I never felt the need to keep it a secret from my friends, but in the past I have felt ashamed. Talking about it with my friends allowde them to talk about the issues they have with thier parents. While they are not all A's, many have issues.

GingerM

Like the two posts above, I also usually tell the truth. My parents have alcohol problems (therefore I had a dry wedding - interestingly, one of my husband's relatives also tends to get drunk and embarassing and she was really upset to find out it was a dry wedding. Then she told everyone we must not have been able to afford it. We chose to let her continue to believe it.). My mother has never been emotionally stable.

I carry it one step further and usually warn people before they meet my parents of what kind of behaviors they may get to witness - and then I give them some phrase or odd topic of conversation that they can bring up if things get so weird that they want to leave. That way no one is offended, I've braced my friends for impact, and they have an escape route if things get so uncomfortable that they want to leave. For some reason, Aardvarks and Plato are two of my favorite "signal topics" - neither of those tend to come up in ordinary conversation.

GiveLove

Did Plato have aardvarks? That would be the topic of conversation at many an event with my alcoholic stepmom..... thanks for this insight, Ginger. It'll be really useful to me!!