New to ACOA section, Early recovering Alcoholic/Addict
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New to ACOA section, Early recovering Alcoholic/Addict
Hi
I haven't posted in the ACOA forum yet. I'm a newly recovering alcoholic/addict. 51 yo, intervention of sorts in the beginning of September that lead to a 2 month rehab. I have been dealing with lot's of shame (getting better all the time), guilt and acceptance, but I have surrendered and attend AA, counseling...
I'm happily married, 4 kids. My two college kids are going to be home for the holidays today.
My dad was alcoholic, was 24 years in AA when he died suddenly at 63 yo. I think it was a broken heart from my mom divorcing him 8 years previous. My mother was young when they married, because I was on the way! 17 y.o.
They loved the counterculture of the late 60's... Music, smoking pot, alcohol, swinging, parties, crazy people living in the house when I was growing up...
My mom first passed me a joint when I was 12 or 13 while listening to music on the living floor with their swinging friends. Pills were always stashed about, hash, pot and alcohol of course. I always knew where those stashes were.
I've got so much resentment right now. My mother has not been an active part of my life. She left the east coast after the divorce, remarried (now re-divorced and living in NC near my sister.) and generally has acted wacky and mysteriously. She's been to visit just a few times over the past few years, to see the kids, etc... I've always anesthetized myself with pills and alcohol, more so when she visits. I got through her visits without painful recollections because I wouldn't go there. Now, she's coming to visit over the holidays... I am in early recovery, doing OK, good days sprinkled among the mostly difficult. I don't want to talk to her about rehab, not that I'll have to, but it will be the elephant in the room, and I'm confused.
How did I get this disease of addiction? What went wrong in my brain that a happily married man with four great children and a good career went down that awful road of self centeredness and destruction? Why? When did my disease start?
As I try to gain acceptance and come to terms with my life, I keep thinking about my mother passing me that joint before my voice even changed. How do I assimilate that and take responsibility for my recovery and accept my addiction? How does my wife, who is a non alcoholic one drink a day, a loving mother and supportive of me, accept this?
I wish she wasn't coming, but I won't stop her. Many reasons, at least four, ...my children.
Any thoughts?
I posted a similar question on New Recovering, so for some this may be a repeat, but I realized ACOA may be a place to find some insight.
I haven't posted in the ACOA forum yet. I'm a newly recovering alcoholic/addict. 51 yo, intervention of sorts in the beginning of September that lead to a 2 month rehab. I have been dealing with lot's of shame (getting better all the time), guilt and acceptance, but I have surrendered and attend AA, counseling...
I'm happily married, 4 kids. My two college kids are going to be home for the holidays today.
My dad was alcoholic, was 24 years in AA when he died suddenly at 63 yo. I think it was a broken heart from my mom divorcing him 8 years previous. My mother was young when they married, because I was on the way! 17 y.o.
They loved the counterculture of the late 60's... Music, smoking pot, alcohol, swinging, parties, crazy people living in the house when I was growing up...
My mom first passed me a joint when I was 12 or 13 while listening to music on the living floor with their swinging friends. Pills were always stashed about, hash, pot and alcohol of course. I always knew where those stashes were.
I've got so much resentment right now. My mother has not been an active part of my life. She left the east coast after the divorce, remarried (now re-divorced and living in NC near my sister.) and generally has acted wacky and mysteriously. She's been to visit just a few times over the past few years, to see the kids, etc... I've always anesthetized myself with pills and alcohol, more so when she visits. I got through her visits without painful recollections because I wouldn't go there. Now, she's coming to visit over the holidays... I am in early recovery, doing OK, good days sprinkled among the mostly difficult. I don't want to talk to her about rehab, not that I'll have to, but it will be the elephant in the room, and I'm confused.
How did I get this disease of addiction? What went wrong in my brain that a happily married man with four great children and a good career went down that awful road of self centeredness and destruction? Why? When did my disease start?
As I try to gain acceptance and come to terms with my life, I keep thinking about my mother passing me that joint before my voice even changed. How do I assimilate that and take responsibility for my recovery and accept my addiction? How does my wife, who is a non alcoholic one drink a day, a loving mother and supportive of me, accept this?
I wish she wasn't coming, but I won't stop her. Many reasons, at least four, ...my children.
Any thoughts?
I posted a similar question on New Recovering, so for some this may be a repeat, but I realized ACOA may be a place to find some insight.
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Long response
Originally Posted by Cubile75 
Hi
How did I get this disease of addiction? What went wrong in my brain that a happily married man with four great children and a good career went down that awful road of self centeredness and destruction? Why? When did my disease start?
As I try to gain acceptance and come to terms with my life, I keep thinking about my mother passing me that joint before my voice even changed. How do I assimilate that and take responsibility for my recovery and accept my addiction? How does my wife, who is a non alcoholic one drink a day, a loving mother and supportive of me, accept this?
How did I get this disease of addiction? What went wrong in my brain that a happily married man with four great children and a good career went down that awful road of self centeredness and destruction? Why? When did my disease start?
As I try to gain acceptance and come to terms with my life, I keep thinking about my mother passing me that joint before my voice even changed. How do I assimilate that and take responsibility for my recovery and accept my addiction? How does my wife, who is a non alcoholic one drink a day, a loving mother and supportive of me, accept this?
I had 15 years in AA on 6/6/2008. My mother is an active addict. I started drinking with her when I was 12 or 13. I also did a lot of drugs with my mom: Xanax, heroin, weed, speed, PCP, Valium, whatever painkillers were available.
I think my mother's behavior encouraged my using.
So what, though? Every alchoholic/addict has people in their lives who they use with and who encourage them to use. It's usually friends, but every single one of us has people in our lives who we used with. It doesn't matter one bit if that person was my parent, rather than a friend. It doesn't make me different from anyone else at the meeting. Everybody has people who encourage their using.
My mother's encouragement wasn't even the primary factor in my developing a problem. I continued to use and got worse after I left home. My mother wasn't the person who was pouring drinks down my throat at that point. She was 180 miles away. I may have had pain in my life about my childhood, but I was the person who chose to deal with that pain through drinking, rather than through therapy or some healthy means. I made the choice to drink and to drink a lot.
You know why I drank that much? I liked it. I liked the way alcohol made me feel. I liked being out of control. I liked being drunk better than the way I felt when I wasn't drunk. I chose to chase that feeling whenever I could. When it stopped feeling good, I stubbornly decided to keep chasing that feeling, even though alcohol wasn't working for me anymore.
There's probably some aspect of genetics to my using, too, and probably some learned behaviors from my family.. There's a lot of alcoholics in my family. I could have made the choice to learn other behaviors, though, and I didn't.
So how did I become an alcoholic? I crapped out on family and I crapped out on genetics and then I made a whole bunch of bad choices. The only thing I can do about it now is make amends and make better choices in the future.
The bottom line is that it doesn't matter WHY I'm an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic. Knowing why won't change the facts. If I want to be happy, I have to deal with the facts as they are.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: California
Posts: 7
Take hope in your own success
Dear Cubile75,
I don't have an answer for what to do about your mom, as I don't think there is an easy answer.
But as a child of an alcoholic who isn't seeking help and keeps on drinking, hearing your efforts to take the steps to get better for your wife and kids gives me hope that my own dad will do the same.
My dad's mom had a similar affect on him, and I think she was one of the factors that drove him to drink. When my grandfather died it nearly destroyed my dad's life. My grandmother blamed my dad for his father's death, up to the point when she herself died. So there was no closure for him, no saying goodbye or expressing his anger/remorse/guilt/whatever. While I can't say for sure, because he never talks about it, I think all those unsaid issues eats him up every day. And it's one of the many reason he chooses to drink.
I think you being able and willing to seek out someone to express your own issues about your mom, whether through this forum or someone in your life, will help you get through it. Have you considered confronting her about how her life affects your own?
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you continue forward with your recovery and not let your mom stop you from living your life to the fullest.
I don't have an answer for what to do about your mom, as I don't think there is an easy answer.
But as a child of an alcoholic who isn't seeking help and keeps on drinking, hearing your efforts to take the steps to get better for your wife and kids gives me hope that my own dad will do the same.
My dad's mom had a similar affect on him, and I think she was one of the factors that drove him to drink. When my grandfather died it nearly destroyed my dad's life. My grandmother blamed my dad for his father's death, up to the point when she herself died. So there was no closure for him, no saying goodbye or expressing his anger/remorse/guilt/whatever. While I can't say for sure, because he never talks about it, I think all those unsaid issues eats him up every day. And it's one of the many reason he chooses to drink.
I think you being able and willing to seek out someone to express your own issues about your mom, whether through this forum or someone in your life, will help you get through it. Have you considered confronting her about how her life affects your own?
I wish you the best of luck and hope that you continue forward with your recovery and not let your mom stop you from living your life to the fullest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sorry about the novella
Hi Cubile,
Glad you found the ACOA area. It's pretty amazing here -- the stories of people going through hell, figuring themselves out, surviving and sometimes even thriving. You belong here too.
Like Kallista, I can't answer your questions for YOU, but I can answer them for me, in the hopes you might find some shred of an answer in my situation:
How did I get so lucky? What went wrong in my brain? When did it start?
For me, it started because my genetics are rife with substance abuse and also because I was raised in a culture of righteous self-medication. Unhappiness was not to be tolerated, and not to be faced, but instead was to be buried under alcohol, pills, and needles. In my sister's case, she was a smart, beautiful young mother who, once she started to do heroin regularly, had it short-circuit any defenses she had against becoming an addict, and down she slid, unable to arrest her fall.
Same with alcoholic sister, mother, father, brother ---- at one time they had the choice to say no just like normal people, but after a lengthy period of heavy drinking and self-medication, their brain chemistry changed and they became just like all of our antededents,hopelessly locked in their addiction.
How do I assimilate what's happened to me and take responsibility for my own actions?
By exploring everything without judgment, and making an intense study of WHAT IS and WHAT WAS so that I don't lean on those things any more. Not right, not wrong, not tragic, not sad, not any judgment. It. Just. Happened. You were passed a joint. I started drinking when I was twelve (they thought it was "funny") Like you, I have passed through some really stupid, sad, ugly places in life.
And when I start giving myself the right to hurt Me because of my past, my genetics, today I have to say: So f'ing what, GL. Get back to work.
"The work" is a lot of counseling, reading, 12-step study, journaling around my past, inner work, and by treating it as seriously as a heart attack, as though my life depended on it (it does) it has brought me to a very healthy spot. It is worth this kind of yeoman's effort on your part too -- it will set you free and give you strength you need to keep your addiction caged and impotent. (Joining us here is a great part of that, by the way
)
TODAY, you have to deal with the way you have rewired your brain with alcohol. TODAY, you have to keep buying your brain and body time to normalize its neurotransmitters and not reach for chemicals to make you feel okay. TODAY, you have to make choices based on what is, not what should be, or should have been.
And TODAY, if my mom were a trigger who made me want to drink, I would not allow her anywhere near me until I was stronger and more stable. Kids or not. You can TAKE the kids to see her in a neutral setting, for a limited period of time, and when you start to feel triggered you can cut the visit short.
You are in early recovery and need to be in self-protection mode imho, for your sake, your wife's sake, and your kids' sake. But that's just me.
Big hugs to you --
Glad you found the ACOA area. It's pretty amazing here -- the stories of people going through hell, figuring themselves out, surviving and sometimes even thriving. You belong here too.
Like Kallista, I can't answer your questions for YOU, but I can answer them for me, in the hopes you might find some shred of an answer in my situation:
How did I get so lucky? What went wrong in my brain? When did it start?
For me, it started because my genetics are rife with substance abuse and also because I was raised in a culture of righteous self-medication. Unhappiness was not to be tolerated, and not to be faced, but instead was to be buried under alcohol, pills, and needles. In my sister's case, she was a smart, beautiful young mother who, once she started to do heroin regularly, had it short-circuit any defenses she had against becoming an addict, and down she slid, unable to arrest her fall.
Same with alcoholic sister, mother, father, brother ---- at one time they had the choice to say no just like normal people, but after a lengthy period of heavy drinking and self-medication, their brain chemistry changed and they became just like all of our antededents,hopelessly locked in their addiction.
How do I assimilate what's happened to me and take responsibility for my own actions?
By exploring everything without judgment, and making an intense study of WHAT IS and WHAT WAS so that I don't lean on those things any more. Not right, not wrong, not tragic, not sad, not any judgment. It. Just. Happened. You were passed a joint. I started drinking when I was twelve (they thought it was "funny") Like you, I have passed through some really stupid, sad, ugly places in life.
And when I start giving myself the right to hurt Me because of my past, my genetics, today I have to say: So f'ing what, GL. Get back to work.
"The work" is a lot of counseling, reading, 12-step study, journaling around my past, inner work, and by treating it as seriously as a heart attack, as though my life depended on it (it does) it has brought me to a very healthy spot. It is worth this kind of yeoman's effort on your part too -- it will set you free and give you strength you need to keep your addiction caged and impotent. (Joining us here is a great part of that, by the way
)TODAY, you have to deal with the way you have rewired your brain with alcohol. TODAY, you have to keep buying your brain and body time to normalize its neurotransmitters and not reach for chemicals to make you feel okay. TODAY, you have to make choices based on what is, not what should be, or should have been.
And TODAY, if my mom were a trigger who made me want to drink, I would not allow her anywhere near me until I was stronger and more stable. Kids or not. You can TAKE the kids to see her in a neutral setting, for a limited period of time, and when you start to feel triggered you can cut the visit short.
You are in early recovery and need to be in self-protection mode imho, for your sake, your wife's sake, and your kids' sake. But that's just me.
Big hugs to you --
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Kallista
You know why I drank that much? I liked it. I chose to chase that feeling whenever I could. When it stopped feeling good, I stubbornly decided to keep chasing that feeling, even though alcohol wasn't working for me anymore.
I crapped out on family and I crapped out on genetics and then I made a whole bunch of bad choices. The only thing I can do about it now is make amends and make better choices in the future.
Originally Posted by nise
Have you considered confronting her about how her life affects your own?
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I was raised in a culture of righteous self-medication. Unhappiness was not to be tolerated, and not to be faced...
By exploring everything without judgment, and making an intense study of WHAT IS and WHAT WAS so that I don't lean on those things any more. Not right, not wrong, not tragic, not sad, not any judgment. It. Just. Happened. You were passed a joint.
TODAY, you have to deal with the way you have rewired your brain with alcohol. TODAY, you have to keep buying your brain and body time to normalize its neurotransmitters and not reach for chemicals to make you feel okay. TODAY, you have to make choices based on what is, not what should be, or should have been.
And TODAY, if my mom were a trigger who made me want to drink, I would not allow her anywhere near me until I was stronger and more stable.
You are in early recovery and need to be in self-protection mode
I'm kinda blown away by everything in my life right now. 95 days C&S and I wasn't sure I could have said that today when I got so close to relapse mode yesterday.
So I want you all to know I am reading very carefully to all that you said. It is resonating loudly. I am really trying to not listen to that other voice that tells me to pick up so I'll feel better.... It's such a seductive voice....Your voices are the ones I need to listen to - thanx! Keep talking, I'm listening.
Yea, I think I should keep checking over here in ACOA. Damn, this early recovery is hard... Holidays are making it WAY hard.
I will make it through my mother's visit without picking up. I am not ready to do any confrontation though. Her visit will be a piece of cake compared to the agony of redefining the relationship with my wife of 24 years. We love each other very much, but it's freakin' hard.
Thank you
Oh, GiveLove... OMG... Righteous Self-Medication... That's a keeper, so true with me it's scary.
Mark
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Cubile,
The one thing you need to focus on is your own recovery. Over in the 'family and friends of A's' forum I once read the following observation from a recovering alcoholic (paraphrased a bit):'My top and only priority is my recovery and sorbriety, and it is a higher priority than my family, my wife, and my career as without recovery I will lose everything else.'
I don't have any suggestions for your mother's visit. If you do not want to confront her that is your choice and your risk. You should set some boundaries of what sort of behavior you will not accept, otherwise you are turning her insanity into your insanity. You also want to model good boundary setting for your kids.
It does seem that you need to settle issues from growing up in a addicted home. You might try journaling or drafting a letter to your mom - you do not have to send it. It may help to clarify your jumbled emotions and thoughts. You can also write a letter to your dad, or to both of them. The idea is to bring some order and light to the chaos of feelings and memories.
I really hope your holidays go well otherwise. It sounds like you have a great family and that you are motivated to keep that family.
The one thing you need to focus on is your own recovery. Over in the 'family and friends of A's' forum I once read the following observation from a recovering alcoholic (paraphrased a bit):'My top and only priority is my recovery and sorbriety, and it is a higher priority than my family, my wife, and my career as without recovery I will lose everything else.'
I don't have any suggestions for your mother's visit. If you do not want to confront her that is your choice and your risk. You should set some boundaries of what sort of behavior you will not accept, otherwise you are turning her insanity into your insanity. You also want to model good boundary setting for your kids.
It does seem that you need to settle issues from growing up in a addicted home. You might try journaling or drafting a letter to your mom - you do not have to send it. It may help to clarify your jumbled emotions and thoughts. You can also write a letter to your dad, or to both of them. The idea is to bring some order and light to the chaos of feelings and memories.
I really hope your holidays go well otherwise. It sounds like you have a great family and that you are motivated to keep that family.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Cubile,
I've been sober since 1991. I never attended AA or any programs - I just decided I didn't want to be like "them" ("them" could be family, friends, coworkers, pin-the-bottle-on-the-alcoholic). My parents are still alcoholics, and probably will be until they die. The holidays are always a trial, and I spend from mid-November onwards looking forward to the beginning of the next year.
I agree with the others who say "It doesn't matter how you got to where you are now, or why you got there, what matters is where you go from here." For dealing with my family around this time of year, I have to treat them as though they were people I met in line at the grocery store. I will speak civilly and politely to them. I will have conversations about minor nothings. I will NOT share anything serious or heated or potentially emotionally explosive. In return, they can behave however they choose to behave - just like the people in line at the grocery store. And I will allow them no more power over me than I would someone I'd just met and will likely never see again.
By putting myself in this mind-frame, I can ensure that *I* am controlling my behaviors - that I am acting, not REacting in my life. That I am choosing what I will do, who I will be and how I will behave. If someone attempts to goad me into something, I pretend I didn't hear them. It keeps *me* in control of *me*.
Being so early in the recovery process, I don't know if this will work for you or not. It's worth a try though. I wish you the best - and here's looking forward to a happy, sober and new year full of growth (once all the relatives are gone!).
I've been sober since 1991. I never attended AA or any programs - I just decided I didn't want to be like "them" ("them" could be family, friends, coworkers, pin-the-bottle-on-the-alcoholic). My parents are still alcoholics, and probably will be until they die. The holidays are always a trial, and I spend from mid-November onwards looking forward to the beginning of the next year.
I agree with the others who say "It doesn't matter how you got to where you are now, or why you got there, what matters is where you go from here." For dealing with my family around this time of year, I have to treat them as though they were people I met in line at the grocery store. I will speak civilly and politely to them. I will have conversations about minor nothings. I will NOT share anything serious or heated or potentially emotionally explosive. In return, they can behave however they choose to behave - just like the people in line at the grocery store. And I will allow them no more power over me than I would someone I'd just met and will likely never see again.
By putting myself in this mind-frame, I can ensure that *I* am controlling my behaviors - that I am acting, not REacting in my life. That I am choosing what I will do, who I will be and how I will behave. If someone attempts to goad me into something, I pretend I didn't hear them. It keeps *me* in control of *me*.
Being so early in the recovery process, I don't know if this will work for you or not. It's worth a try though. I wish you the best - and here's looking forward to a happy, sober and new year full of growth (once all the relatives are gone!).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 1,221
I have been sober for awhile now, both my parents were alcoholic. When my Dad passed away at 63,he had been in AA for 14 years. My Mom however struggled with in and out of the program all her life..By the way, my Mom left my Dad when I was 14...So I was very resentful towards my Mom for many years.. for breaking up our family and her drinking. But eventually I was able to let go of my resentments and forgive my Mom. But it didn't happen overnight. I realized what I put my kids through when I was drinking and I needed to forgive myself. I can't expect to be forgiven if I can't forgive.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by SerenityGirl
I was able to let go of my resentments and forgive my Mom. But it didn't happen overnight.... I can't expect to be forgiven if I can't forgive.
Forgiving myself, well it wasn't until now, at 51 years old, do I really appreciate what that means. How hard it is....
Originally Posted by GingerM
I never attended AA or any programs - I just decided I didn't want to be like "them" ("them" could be family, friends, coworkers, pin-the-bottle-on-the-alcoholic).
For dealing with my family around this time of year, I have to treat them as though they were people I met in line at the grocery store.... And I will allow them no more power over me than I would someone I'd just met and will likely never see again.
Yea, the line at the grocery store, I'll remember that, thanx
Mark
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