How do I survive dad's alcoholic dementia?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 8
How do I survive dad's alcoholic dementia?
I just joined The Sober Recovery Community tonight. I am need of support.
I started typing out my long history, but decided no one would want to take the time to read all of it. So, here are the cliff notes.
I'm the only child of an alcoholic. I never had a real relationship with my dad. My parents were divorced when I was young, I didn't live with my dad after my Mom died. I moved far from "home" for college and stayed here. My dad has since moved to "be near me". In the last year I've been confronted with the realization that he is still an alcoholic.
The last year for my dad has included hospital stays, detox, diagnosis of alcoholic dementia, involuntary sobriety, nursing home, and lots of tears and frustration for me. He's now living in an assisted living facility for alzheimer's patients. His memory is shot from alcohol. He was sober (involuntarily) for over four months, but finally threw such a fuss that he is getting rides (not from me) to the grocery store 3-4 times a week, where he buys big jugs of alcohol every time. I don't think he has the memory capacity to go through treatment (in-patient would be required), even if he wanted to - which he doesn't.
So I'm now trying to figure out how to balance my life with his issues. He's safe, he's being cared for and fed, and has the funds to pay for it. I'm weary from all of the phone calls, repeated inquiries, needs, requests that I return his car to him (NOT going to happen) buy him vodka (happened once in a weak moment) and sadness and guilt it's causing me.
My dad is only 66 years old. Though he's had problems, he'll probably live for a while. I need to figure out how to live my life and not feel guilt. I'm the only one he has, I feel responsible but also angry. It's like I'm caring for a 90 year old father that I never really new, but he's either drunk or hungover a lot if not all of the time. He's a very laid-back drunk, so not violent or crazy or threatening - thankfully. Because of this he can seem, at times, quite normal. However, the rest of the time he is not.
Example:
We were supposed to go out to eat with him on Friday to celebrate Thanksgiving. But he didn't "feel up to it" So we planned to go out to eat tonight. I called him at 4:30 to ask if he still wanted to go (fully expecting a cop out) and he said he did, but he wasn't hungry yet. So, I told him I'd be there in about an hour. My children and I arrived at 5:20 to find him getting up from his table - he had eaten dinner at the home. He went with us anyway ( I thought you weren't supposed to be able to smell vodka...) and spent the whole meal repeating himself. I honestly don't know which is drunk and which is the brain damage.
Before tonight, my kids hadn't seen him for several months. I don't think they need him in their life, but then I feel guilty.
How do I cope? I've backed off considerably - don't know how to balance...
I started typing out my long history, but decided no one would want to take the time to read all of it. So, here are the cliff notes.
I'm the only child of an alcoholic. I never had a real relationship with my dad. My parents were divorced when I was young, I didn't live with my dad after my Mom died. I moved far from "home" for college and stayed here. My dad has since moved to "be near me". In the last year I've been confronted with the realization that he is still an alcoholic.
The last year for my dad has included hospital stays, detox, diagnosis of alcoholic dementia, involuntary sobriety, nursing home, and lots of tears and frustration for me. He's now living in an assisted living facility for alzheimer's patients. His memory is shot from alcohol. He was sober (involuntarily) for over four months, but finally threw such a fuss that he is getting rides (not from me) to the grocery store 3-4 times a week, where he buys big jugs of alcohol every time. I don't think he has the memory capacity to go through treatment (in-patient would be required), even if he wanted to - which he doesn't.
So I'm now trying to figure out how to balance my life with his issues. He's safe, he's being cared for and fed, and has the funds to pay for it. I'm weary from all of the phone calls, repeated inquiries, needs, requests that I return his car to him (NOT going to happen) buy him vodka (happened once in a weak moment) and sadness and guilt it's causing me.
My dad is only 66 years old. Though he's had problems, he'll probably live for a while. I need to figure out how to live my life and not feel guilt. I'm the only one he has, I feel responsible but also angry. It's like I'm caring for a 90 year old father that I never really new, but he's either drunk or hungover a lot if not all of the time. He's a very laid-back drunk, so not violent or crazy or threatening - thankfully. Because of this he can seem, at times, quite normal. However, the rest of the time he is not.
Example:
We were supposed to go out to eat with him on Friday to celebrate Thanksgiving. But he didn't "feel up to it" So we planned to go out to eat tonight. I called him at 4:30 to ask if he still wanted to go (fully expecting a cop out) and he said he did, but he wasn't hungry yet. So, I told him I'd be there in about an hour. My children and I arrived at 5:20 to find him getting up from his table - he had eaten dinner at the home. He went with us anyway ( I thought you weren't supposed to be able to smell vodka...) and spent the whole meal repeating himself. I honestly don't know which is drunk and which is the brain damage.
Before tonight, my kids hadn't seen him for several months. I don't think they need him in their life, but then I feel guilty.
How do I cope? I've backed off considerably - don't know how to balance...
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Hi Theonlychild,
Let me give a big welcome to SR. :HONYnewyear025firew
I really respect what you are doing to help your dad. You are a hugely caring person! I don't have much experience with your difficulties with your dad. Both my AM and AD passed away before dementia became an issue. Others will be along soon with better advice.
It sounds like he is in good care. What do the people who are taking care of him suggest? They must have some experience with these sorts of issues.
You also should talk to your kids about grandad's behavior, to show them it is not their fault and that he is sick. And repeat that talk often so they know you understand their confusion.
Let me give a big welcome to SR. :HONYnewyear025firew
I really respect what you are doing to help your dad. You are a hugely caring person! I don't have much experience with your difficulties with your dad. Both my AM and AD passed away before dementia became an issue. Others will be along soon with better advice.
It sounds like he is in good care. What do the people who are taking care of him suggest? They must have some experience with these sorts of issues.
You also should talk to your kids about grandad's behavior, to show them it is not their fault and that he is sick. And repeat that talk often so they know you understand their confusion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 8
Thanks
His facility really doesn't handle alcoholics. They're established to serve elderly folks with Alzheimers. In fact, I'm worried that at some point they'll say "enough" and want him out (they don't take people at certain stages of alcoholism). Then I don't know what I'll do with him.
So far, he just keeps to himself, so it's not a real bother to them. Everyone says how nice he is, which makes me feel more guilty that I resent him and don't really enjoy being around him. I'm just worn out I guess. I keep wondering why, when he had the sobriety and a chance at being with us more and getting back to a real life, he chose vodka and isolation again. That COA guilt and feeling like there's something I should have done differently.
Good advice about talking with my kids. I'm hoping they'll remember Grandpa's troubles someday when they're offered a beer...
His facility really doesn't handle alcoholics. They're established to serve elderly folks with Alzheimers. In fact, I'm worried that at some point they'll say "enough" and want him out (they don't take people at certain stages of alcoholism). Then I don't know what I'll do with him.
So far, he just keeps to himself, so it's not a real bother to them. Everyone says how nice he is, which makes me feel more guilty that I resent him and don't really enjoy being around him. I'm just worn out I guess. I keep wondering why, when he had the sobriety and a chance at being with us more and getting back to a real life, he chose vodka and isolation again. That COA guilt and feeling like there's something I should have done differently.
Good advice about talking with my kids. I'm hoping they'll remember Grandpa's troubles someday when they're offered a beer...
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Theonlychild,
There is a thing called the 3 'C's
We didn't Cause it.
We can't Control it.
We can't Cure it.
If you look through the 12 steps, there is nothing there that even implies that the addiction can be altered by anyone other that the alcoholic him/her self and their Higher Power. It just doesn't work that way. That is why this disease is so damn damn awful. Dementia/alzheimer's does not change this.
For the sake of your own sanity and mental health, you have to show him you love him but detach yourself from his choice. Oddly enough, if his condition worsens he may be unable to get to the store to get liquor, and endure involuntary sobriety again. You really should consult, if possible, a specialist in medical issues for elderly. Alcoholism in the elderly is more common than you might think, so there is a knowledge base out there.
You could also post your question in the 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' section, which is one of the busiest corners of SR. (there is a way to move an existing thread there but I don't know the details.) You should also try Alanon meetings - there is nothing quite as helpful as seeing and listening to other people like yourself who struggle and stumble forward with the same problems.
I apologize for not having any better advice.
Take care of yourself and your kids! Keep posting and reading!
he chose vodka and isolation again
We didn't Cause it.
We can't Control it.
We can't Cure it.
If you look through the 12 steps, there is nothing there that even implies that the addiction can be altered by anyone other that the alcoholic him/her self and their Higher Power. It just doesn't work that way. That is why this disease is so damn damn awful. Dementia/alzheimer's does not change this.
For the sake of your own sanity and mental health, you have to show him you love him but detach yourself from his choice. Oddly enough, if his condition worsens he may be unable to get to the store to get liquor, and endure involuntary sobriety again. You really should consult, if possible, a specialist in medical issues for elderly. Alcoholism in the elderly is more common than you might think, so there is a knowledge base out there.
You could also post your question in the 'Friends and Family of Alcoholics' section, which is one of the busiest corners of SR. (there is a way to move an existing thread there but I don't know the details.) You should also try Alanon meetings - there is nothing quite as helpful as seeing and listening to other people like yourself who struggle and stumble forward with the same problems.
I apologize for not having any better advice.
Take care of yourself and your kids! Keep posting and reading!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you have found us, this place is a lifeline for many of us here.
The first best thing you can do is take care of yourself. It's like that old analogy about a plane crash and the need to make sure you use the oxygen mask yourself first before trying to save somebody else.
I can't imagine how this is for you but I do know that there are lots of others who do understand. You can find some here and you can find them in face to face meetings.
Take care and please keep reading and posting.
The first best thing you can do is take care of yourself. It's like that old analogy about a plane crash and the need to make sure you use the oxygen mask yourself first before trying to save somebody else.
I can't imagine how this is for you but I do know that there are lots of others who do understand. You can find some here and you can find them in face to face meetings.
Take care and please keep reading and posting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by Theonlychild 
So I'm now trying to figure out how to balance my life with his issues. He's safe, he's being cared for and fed, and has the funds to pay for it. I'm weary from all of the phone calls, repeated inquiries, needs, requests that I return his car to him (NOT going to happen) buy him vodka (happened once in a weak moment) and sadness and guilt it's causing me.
I deal with the phone calls by not answering them, some of the time. A lot of the time, he'll call with something that sounds "urgent," but if I ignore it for half a day, it turns out to be nothing. I'd say I answer my dad's calls about half of the time, max. Let him cool his heels for awhile.
I'm beyond sadness and guilt a lot of the time. I'm sure some of you guys probably detect more than a little anger in my descriptions of the situation -- and let's face it, I am angry at my dad, a lot of the time, because he's been so stubborn and intransigent. If he and I were the same age, I think I'd have no choice but to kick him out of my life -- as it is, though, I'm basically "running the clock out on him." Do the math -- he's 88, I'm 45, I've got more time than he does [knock wood].
Your dad is in a place where he's being looked after -- there endeth your responsibility. If he wants to try to rope you in, just let go of the rope. Don't answer the phone, don't enable, don't put up with the cr*p. I know it's tough to do -- sometimes I get roped into some of my dad's cr*p, and I dread the next... whatever, year or 2 or 3 or whatever time he has left, because things were such a nightmare over the past year, during my mom's death spiral that ended last month.
But at the risk of making this sound like a 12-step meeting, I'm grateful for the tools I get from you guys... That's why I keep coming back! :atv
T
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi onlychild,
Good advice here -- I think your emotional health might rest on the kinds of boundaries you establish for yourself, and how well you enforce them, dementia or not. If you do not want to accept drunken phone calls from him, if you don't want to hear his demands for alcohol and his car, etc., then a good boundary might be that "I'm going to end this phone call now."
The guilt you're carrying isn't yours to carry. I know too well how you feel, but truly, it's not serving either you or your kids to take responsibility for everything that does, or doesn't, happen for him. Your father made his own choices. He's safe, warm, cared-for, and has resources to cope with the consequences of his actions. That is far more than many alcoholics have.
By the way, many alcoholics are charming and sweet, and caregivers often think they're the cat's meow. You know better, so you might consider letting that guilt go as well.
You can't force yourself to like being with him.
You can't force your kids to enjoy being with him.
All you can do is be honest with yourself about what you do & don't want in a relationship with him, and be honest with your kids about what's happening to him, and why.
And put the guilt in a bottle and set it afloat - even if you have to do a bit of personal counseling to get there.
Hugs and support to you
GL
Good advice here -- I think your emotional health might rest on the kinds of boundaries you establish for yourself, and how well you enforce them, dementia or not. If you do not want to accept drunken phone calls from him, if you don't want to hear his demands for alcohol and his car, etc., then a good boundary might be that "I'm going to end this phone call now."
The guilt you're carrying isn't yours to carry. I know too well how you feel, but truly, it's not serving either you or your kids to take responsibility for everything that does, or doesn't, happen for him. Your father made his own choices. He's safe, warm, cared-for, and has resources to cope with the consequences of his actions. That is far more than many alcoholics have.
By the way, many alcoholics are charming and sweet, and caregivers often think they're the cat's meow. You know better, so you might consider letting that guilt go as well.
You can't force yourself to like being with him.
You can't force your kids to enjoy being with him.
All you can do is be honest with yourself about what you do & don't want in a relationship with him, and be honest with your kids about what's happening to him, and why.
And put the guilt in a bottle and set it afloat - even if you have to do a bit of personal counseling to get there.
Hugs and support to you
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
P.S. onlychild,
I have a good friend who finds a lot of support -- different, but good -- in groups for loved ones with dementia. There's a unique set of challenges in dealing with someone who's "not all there" and she's found great relief & ideas there.
I have a good friend who finds a lot of support -- different, but good -- in groups for loved ones with dementia. There's a unique set of challenges in dealing with someone who's "not all there" and she's found great relief & ideas there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 8
Wow! You guys are fabulous! I can't describe how much "lighter" I feel just reading your responses. You're so right. I didn't know if it was proper etiquette to hit the "thanks" button for each of your responses, so THANKS! It's so kind that you share such care for a "newbie" like me. I needed it!!!
It truly is amazing to share stories and insights in a community of people who know what it's like. I think I've worn my friends (and my husband for that matter) out trying to talk through all of this. I've kind-of stopped bringing it up, so have a lot of pent-up frustration and neediness. It's so helpful to read other threads and hear from all of you.
Grewupinabarn, your support and advice are great. I need to remember that I am not omnipotent; in some ways give myself a bit less credit :0) I can't control it and need to stop thinking I have to find a way to. Taking that off my list frees up a lot of time and energy.
Eleison, you're right about responsibility. No one says I have to take it on, do they? I got really frustrated trying to find community support so I kind of quit spinning my wheels.
cmc - I wouldn't have survived the first "plane crash". I think finding this site is the first step in securing my own mask. Thanks!
trombonliness (funny, my dad played the trombone in his youth, I took his trombone to him a few months ago; he has no interest). I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom, whatever the spiral; I'm sure it was devastating. Reading your words about dealing with your dad make me feel like they could be mine. I'm also doing the countdown, and worried most because I'm afraid there are a lot of years left. Isn't that horrible? It breaks my heart that my dad wants to drink them away and I'm therefore wishing them away. It should be SO different (for all of us here)! I have begun to put off dad's requests/questions/needs and wait to see if they resurface; you're right, many times they don't. I don't think anything will be "urgent" related to him anymore.
I had a boss once, with the philosophy that he only responded to things on the third request. Only then did he know it was really necessary. Funny this life lesson didn't come back to me before just now.
I come away from this thread feeling like I've done right by my dad, but that it's ok (actually necessary) to think of myself, my husband and kids, more, and even at the expense of my 'ailing' dad. Thanks a million times.
I'm looking forward to continuing to grow within this community. It's so nice to meet you!
PS - yes, you'll find that I'm kind-of wordy - - sorry!
It truly is amazing to share stories and insights in a community of people who know what it's like. I think I've worn my friends (and my husband for that matter) out trying to talk through all of this. I've kind-of stopped bringing it up, so have a lot of pent-up frustration and neediness. It's so helpful to read other threads and hear from all of you.
Grewupinabarn, your support and advice are great. I need to remember that I am not omnipotent; in some ways give myself a bit less credit :0) I can't control it and need to stop thinking I have to find a way to. Taking that off my list frees up a lot of time and energy.
Eleison, you're right about responsibility. No one says I have to take it on, do they? I got really frustrated trying to find community support so I kind of quit spinning my wheels.
cmc - I wouldn't have survived the first "plane crash". I think finding this site is the first step in securing my own mask. Thanks!
trombonliness (funny, my dad played the trombone in his youth, I took his trombone to him a few months ago; he has no interest). I'm so sorry to hear about your Mom, whatever the spiral; I'm sure it was devastating. Reading your words about dealing with your dad make me feel like they could be mine. I'm also doing the countdown, and worried most because I'm afraid there are a lot of years left. Isn't that horrible? It breaks my heart that my dad wants to drink them away and I'm therefore wishing them away. It should be SO different (for all of us here)! I have begun to put off dad's requests/questions/needs and wait to see if they resurface; you're right, many times they don't. I don't think anything will be "urgent" related to him anymore.
I had a boss once, with the philosophy that he only responded to things on the third request. Only then did he know it was really necessary. Funny this life lesson didn't come back to me before just now.
I come away from this thread feeling like I've done right by my dad, but that it's ok (actually necessary) to think of myself, my husband and kids, more, and even at the expense of my 'ailing' dad. Thanks a million times.
I'm looking forward to continuing to grow within this community. It's so nice to meet you!
PS - yes, you'll find that I'm kind-of wordy - - sorry!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 8
GL, You're so right I do need to establish boundaries! I do have that control. The guilt is no good for any of us. No one is going to take it away from me, but me. However, the responses I received from you all have relieved almost all of it. You've empowered me and I am so grateful!
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am right there with you on the guilt thing.
What I am learning is that those guilt trips are their way of trying to FORCE you to do what they want you to do while they will take no responsibility to do better themselves.
It's a pretty heavy burden to dump in someone's lap, especially your children's.
Boundaries help.
My mother drops the biggest guilt bombs.
The day before thanksgiving she called to say she's on her way. I told her we were going to take my DIL shopping with us on black friday and my mother went ballistic. SHe hung up on me! Well, I had my son call her later that day to see if she was really coming. No, she whined.
So, I let her be. I did not call her at all this week. I didn't deserve that kind of treatment, and I am not playing in to it.
I can't believe I get a call a week and a half later with her apologizing.
SHE HAS NEVER EVER EVER APOLIGIZED for ANYTHING IN HER LIFE
What I am learning is that those guilt trips are their way of trying to FORCE you to do what they want you to do while they will take no responsibility to do better themselves.
It's a pretty heavy burden to dump in someone's lap, especially your children's.
Boundaries help.
My mother drops the biggest guilt bombs.
The day before thanksgiving she called to say she's on her way. I told her we were going to take my DIL shopping with us on black friday and my mother went ballistic. SHe hung up on me! Well, I had my son call her later that day to see if she was really coming. No, she whined.
So, I let her be. I did not call her at all this week. I didn't deserve that kind of treatment, and I am not playing in to it.
I can't believe I get a call a week and a half later with her apologizing.
SHE HAS NEVER EVER EVER APOLIGIZED for ANYTHING IN HER LIFE
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I somehow hit the post button before I was finished!
Any way, she did call and I felt a huge relief. I love her and don't want this uneasiness and malcontent in our relationship. The only thing is, I can't control her. I can't fix her so I just have to do what I need to keep my own sanity and my own serenity.
Any way, she did call and I felt a huge relief. I love her and don't want this uneasiness and malcontent in our relationship. The only thing is, I can't control her. I can't fix her so I just have to do what I need to keep my own sanity and my own serenity.
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