rawdeal

Something really upset me other day, and usually im immune to any feeling when it comes to my parents drunken actions.

See my alcoholic mother was drunk and in a psychotic rage the other day, screaming and shouting on the staircase about how much she hated my (also drunk) dad, who had barricaded himself in his bedroom. She was telling me she was going to kill him, and i even had to take a butchers knife out of her hand. Sad as it is this is relatively standard for a thursday in my house.

But then, after i took the knife off her i heard breaking glass and she was throwing our only family pictures from the wall to the bottom of the staircase. There was a particularly beautiful one of my parents wedding, the only pic of the (now estranged) extended family & me and my sister as 2 and 3 year old flowergirls, looking up at our parents in awe- she took this one and slammed it on one of the bannisters. This left the photo destroyed with a hole through me, my mother and father. I feel on some level that it is symbolic of the end of any chance of reconciliation with my chronically addicted parents.

Even thinking about it now makes me feel so upset.

suki44883

Oh emma...I'm so sorry you are having to go through this nightmare. I truly wish there was someplace safe you could go and live a less toxic life. ((((HUGS)))) to you and :praying that something positive happens soon in your situation.

rawdeal

thanks for your kindness suki, i really do appreciate it. x

lizw

I can relate to that. My parents didn't/don't even drink and they carried on as you described, as I was growing up. I am grateful I no longer live with them, I tell you that much.

I hope you are taking care of yourself..

:ghug

GiveLove

Emma,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'll share what my counselor once told me, when I was mourning how people were destroying the things that used to have great meaning for me: He said, "Well....that's their choice. You are constantly creating your own photographs, though, and they can't touch those."

I'm sorry they're choosing to be monsters.

You, however, are not a monster. You're just stuck with a bunch of people who are playing out this horrible drama of alcoholism, but it's not you. You are still in there, inside, safe where they can't get you. There's still a wellspring of love inside you, a fire they can never put out. When you can, you will free yourself of their madness and start creating your own cherished memories, far from this insanity. And THOSE are yours to keep.

Any new news on that front? Any prospects for getting out of there?

(((emma)))

GL

deezaldog

This sounds overwhelming and I do not live there. I have had to live with a psychotic mother and she doesnt drink. All I can do is tell my story. My mother became enraged when she caught her husband cheating. (I don't know how he lasted as long as he did). She took an overdose of valium and pulled out a gun. Where it came from I do not know. We called the police. They took her to the psych hosp. and confiscated the gun. If your mother is that unstable you should not try to intervene. Things could turn very bad for you, accident or not. I suggest you call the police and let a professional deal with it. To this day I do not regret what I did. She eventually got over it. He left. Just keep yourself safe and I will also pray for you. Keep posting on any update.

rawdeal

Hi givelove and deezaldog, thanks for youre useful advice and for caring. Im back in college mid september so im going to negotiate with the social welfare ppl and tell them my story, hopefully they will give me some sort of grant/rent allowance and the three of us (me, my bro and sis) can get a place together. Friends with experience have told me that there is no chance they will say no. Things are looking up despite this recent episode, i will of course keep you posted! xxxxx

Tiro

My mother was a "breaker" too. I know how upsetting and heartrending it is. My mother would smash things which I know were dear and precious to her (and me). If I sit still for a minute I can still hear the echo of breaking glass and the cracking of plastic toys. It still makes me sad to think of it.

I wish I could tell you something to make the madness make some kind of sense but all I can tell you is I know and I understand.

Be safe .Take care of yourself

mushroom

My mother was a 'breaker' too. She would throw things out the window, or at us, or down the stairs, or into the fire, or into the trash. She especially loved to destroy things that belonged to us children, to teach us that we didn't own anything, that everything belonged to her and could be taken away from us by her at any time, and that if we didn't do exactly as she said, then we'd be sorry.

What I really learned, was to hate her, and to not get attached to material objects. That last one is a very valuable lesson. The first one is not so good.

Photos especially, are nice to have, but really, what good are they? We existed as a species for millennia without photos. I loved going through old family photos when I was a child, but they're not at all necessary, not worth going through any pain for.

She chose to destroy the photo of her own wedding. A statement of how she feels about the marriage if ever there was one! You weren't physically hurt in the process. You can't control her choices, and photos are not worth getting hurt over. You can't make your parents like each other. You can choose to not be emotionally hurt by her actions, or you can allow yourself to be hurt by her. It's your choice. I chose to shut my mother and her rages out of my heart, and it's the only thing that got me through childhood as functional as I am.

Rancorous

Emma,

I'm just glad you're ok, the photo is just an object. I do understand that it is significant, given what it represents, but your personal safety is more important. Just carry on trying the best you can to move out as soon as possible.