Very Personal Relationship Issue is Wearing Me Out
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
Very Personal Relationship Issue is Wearing Me Out
I’m writing this here because this issue is what caused me to go into recovery and has caused my wife and I to go to marriage counseling. It is very personal, yet it’s caused me a year and a half of pain, and I simply need to get it off my chest.
I’ve been with my wife for 8 years. We dated for 5 and have been married for 3. A year after we started dating, she broke up with me so she could be and sleep with another woman to see if she truly is a lesbian. Two months later, she called me up and said she wants me and noone else. I went out and had my fun in those two months, and felt I should give her a second chance. The month leading up to the breakup was the absolute hardest time of my life to that point as I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. It hurt. It hurt real bad.
It is very difficult for my wife to make friends. She is very quiet. She’s more of a bookworm and workaholic than a social person. She made two friends, but they got tired of her being so bossy, and basically not understanding their feelings, so the friendships ended on a messy note.
A year and a half ago, my wife became good friends with a lesbian co-worker. My wife latched onto her immediately as this person is literally her only friend. My wife’s attitude completely changed when she met this person. This made me immediately uncomfortable and every single one of my ACOA traits came pouring out. Enough to cause me to begin my ACOA recovery and for my wife and I to go to marriage counseling.
For me it’s been this incredible roller coaster ride with my wife’s only friend being a lesbian. It hurts. She becomes very rebellious whenever I express my concerns. She takes the “screw you, I’ll do whatever I want” attitude. In the beginning she said that if we were to divorce, she doesn’t think she could be with men anymore because she would want to be as far apart from what we had as possible. She does admit to being a bi-sexual and has admitted to having sexual contact with other girls when she was little. At the same time, she says she just wants a friend, and her lesbian friend is the only one who shows her attention (just as a friend). She says they get along just like regular friends. She says the fact that the lesbian has a girlfriend should mean I have nothing to worry about.
Trust me, we’ve been through the ups and downs, looked at this every which way, and have been through all of the emotions. Sometimes I have good days in which I’m okay with them hanging out, sometimes I have bad days in which I just completely shut down. Generally the bad days are when my wife treats me like crap when she returns home from being with her friend. I also really don’t know what it is like for my wife to have a best friend as she has never had one in front of me before.
I guess what I’m trying to get at, is after a year and a half, after untangling the web of emotions, after countless counseling sessions, ACA meetings, meditations, dealing with my family problems in order to understand my fears…. I’m just still uncomfortable with the situation.
I say I’m uncomfortable with the situation because my ACOA traits are higher than they ever have been ever in my life because of this situation. I’ve been in protection mode for so long (1 ½ years), I don’t know how to feel healthy anymore. This is the one thing I haven’t been able to let go, and it is the one thing that is completely tearing me and my marriage apart. I’m also uncomfortable because when the problems poured out, instead of backing off to protect my feelings and even our marriage, my wife held onto her friend even tighter. I don’t understand. I don’t know if the breakup early in our relationship has left such a permanent imprint, that I just simply cannot shake it, or if I find it very difficult being with someone who I will always have doubts as to if she really even wants to be with men.
Thank you for letting me share this. I’ve been waiting a year and a half to post this, and feel now is the right time.
I’ve been with my wife for 8 years. We dated for 5 and have been married for 3. A year after we started dating, she broke up with me so she could be and sleep with another woman to see if she truly is a lesbian. Two months later, she called me up and said she wants me and noone else. I went out and had my fun in those two months, and felt I should give her a second chance. The month leading up to the breakup was the absolute hardest time of my life to that point as I was pretty sure I knew what was coming. It hurt. It hurt real bad.
It is very difficult for my wife to make friends. She is very quiet. She’s more of a bookworm and workaholic than a social person. She made two friends, but they got tired of her being so bossy, and basically not understanding their feelings, so the friendships ended on a messy note.
A year and a half ago, my wife became good friends with a lesbian co-worker. My wife latched onto her immediately as this person is literally her only friend. My wife’s attitude completely changed when she met this person. This made me immediately uncomfortable and every single one of my ACOA traits came pouring out. Enough to cause me to begin my ACOA recovery and for my wife and I to go to marriage counseling.
For me it’s been this incredible roller coaster ride with my wife’s only friend being a lesbian. It hurts. She becomes very rebellious whenever I express my concerns. She takes the “screw you, I’ll do whatever I want” attitude. In the beginning she said that if we were to divorce, she doesn’t think she could be with men anymore because she would want to be as far apart from what we had as possible. She does admit to being a bi-sexual and has admitted to having sexual contact with other girls when she was little. At the same time, she says she just wants a friend, and her lesbian friend is the only one who shows her attention (just as a friend). She says they get along just like regular friends. She says the fact that the lesbian has a girlfriend should mean I have nothing to worry about.
Trust me, we’ve been through the ups and downs, looked at this every which way, and have been through all of the emotions. Sometimes I have good days in which I’m okay with them hanging out, sometimes I have bad days in which I just completely shut down. Generally the bad days are when my wife treats me like crap when she returns home from being with her friend. I also really don’t know what it is like for my wife to have a best friend as she has never had one in front of me before.
I guess what I’m trying to get at, is after a year and a half, after untangling the web of emotions, after countless counseling sessions, ACA meetings, meditations, dealing with my family problems in order to understand my fears…. I’m just still uncomfortable with the situation.
I say I’m uncomfortable with the situation because my ACOA traits are higher than they ever have been ever in my life because of this situation. I’ve been in protection mode for so long (1 ½ years), I don’t know how to feel healthy anymore. This is the one thing I haven’t been able to let go, and it is the one thing that is completely tearing me and my marriage apart. I’m also uncomfortable because when the problems poured out, instead of backing off to protect my feelings and even our marriage, my wife held onto her friend even tighter. I don’t understand. I don’t know if the breakup early in our relationship has left such a permanent imprint, that I just simply cannot shake it, or if I find it very difficult being with someone who I will always have doubts as to if she really even wants to be with men.
Thank you for letting me share this. I’ve been waiting a year and a half to post this, and feel now is the right time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
49er, I'm sorry you're going through this.
I don't have any advice....after all, you've analyzed and analyzed this and you know all the angles of it, so anything I might have to say would be useless.
I only know that a relationship in which one person disregards the other's feelings because he SHOULDN'T feel them is an unhealthy relationship. The "screw you if you don't like it" mentality is a dealbreaker for me, and has no place in friendship or love imho.
In my long-term relationship with a person "exploring his sexuality" I logged hundreds and hundreds of sleepless nights, stressful days, more tears than anyone could count. I tried so hard to be accepting, but I finally I realized that no amount of love in the world was going to make me into a trusting soul again, and it was going to kill me if I kept it up.....right or wrong.
And while I think this is a situation made worse by being ACoA, I don't think a "normal" person would have any less trouble with it.
Wishing you luck, and strength to find the path that's right for you.
I don't have any advice....after all, you've analyzed and analyzed this and you know all the angles of it, so anything I might have to say would be useless.
I only know that a relationship in which one person disregards the other's feelings because he SHOULDN'T feel them is an unhealthy relationship. The "screw you if you don't like it" mentality is a dealbreaker for me, and has no place in friendship or love imho.
In my long-term relationship with a person "exploring his sexuality" I logged hundreds and hundreds of sleepless nights, stressful days, more tears than anyone could count. I tried so hard to be accepting, but I finally I realized that no amount of love in the world was going to make me into a trusting soul again, and it was going to kill me if I kept it up.....right or wrong.
And while I think this is a situation made worse by being ACoA, I don't think a "normal" person would have any less trouble with it.
Wishing you luck, and strength to find the path that's right for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
echoing what GiveLove said. My husband had a friend who made me exceedingly uncomfortable (the friend said completely inappropriate things to me and often violated my personal space in ways which would make most folks I know uncomfortable). My husband told me that since we were (then) in the same social circles as said friend, he didn't think that we could avoid him, but that when we were in situations where husband's friend was around, husband would stick close to me to avoid said uncomfortable behaviors.
In other words, he respected my feelings. It was a compromise that worked. Over time, their friendship drifted apart and we no longer see said friend, but my husband (who was then only my boyfriend) respected my concerns.
By saying she doesn't care what you think, she is not only disrespecting your feelings, but negating your very existence (you aren't important, ergo you don't exist). It's very crushing, and is a sideways way of saying she doesn't care about you or your well-being. This, I'm guessing, is why the situation is triggering all the old ACoA issues - it's what we were told by our A's. You're not important, you don't count, your emotions don't count, shut up and deal with it, I don't want to hear it.... the list goes on. And the list is very neatly summarized by her "I'll do whatever I want" attitude.
I can't tell you what the "right" thing to do is. But I'd put a large sum of money on it only getting worse over time. I don't think you'll be able to advance your recovery while she is feeding you every line you were fed before. She may not be an alcoholic, but her behavior and treatment of you is very unhealthy and seems very much like the dysfunction in alcoholic/addict households.
Just so no one thinks there's anything else behind this post, I will add that my answer would be the same whether the 'friend' involved was a man or woman. Infidelity (be it physical or emotional) is still the same, and the way she disregards your feelings and shows you contempt is still the same, and that's what we're focusing on here - her treatment of you and your issues with trying to sort it all out.
In other words, he respected my feelings. It was a compromise that worked. Over time, their friendship drifted apart and we no longer see said friend, but my husband (who was then only my boyfriend) respected my concerns.
By saying she doesn't care what you think, she is not only disrespecting your feelings, but negating your very existence (you aren't important, ergo you don't exist). It's very crushing, and is a sideways way of saying she doesn't care about you or your well-being. This, I'm guessing, is why the situation is triggering all the old ACoA issues - it's what we were told by our A's. You're not important, you don't count, your emotions don't count, shut up and deal with it, I don't want to hear it.... the list goes on. And the list is very neatly summarized by her "I'll do whatever I want" attitude.
I can't tell you what the "right" thing to do is. But I'd put a large sum of money on it only getting worse over time. I don't think you'll be able to advance your recovery while she is feeding you every line you were fed before. She may not be an alcoholic, but her behavior and treatment of you is very unhealthy and seems very much like the dysfunction in alcoholic/addict households.
Just so no one thinks there's anything else behind this post, I will add that my answer would be the same whether the 'friend' involved was a man or woman. Infidelity (be it physical or emotional) is still the same, and the way she disregards your feelings and shows you contempt is still the same, and that's what we're focusing on here - her treatment of you and your issues with trying to sort it all out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
True, Ginger. The fact is, this person is a potential sexual partner. From my own experience, I know that I should've gotten a big fat clue when I realized that my X was spending time with potential sexual partners - male and female - and I was not welcome to be with them. That kind of exploration is not something I am willing to live with; it hits every ACoA nerve that I have. My husband and I have friends of all gender combinations, but if suddenly I was strictly uninvited to be with him with any of them, I'd know that was a big sign we were on the way out.
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