rawdeal

Hello all, appreciate you stopping to read this.

I am new to this site and i guess i am hoping for a miracle by joining it. I am 22, living at home with two alcoholic parents, who are separated within the house, and never leave the house except to get booze. They dont work as they have both been sacked in the past 5 years for drinking on the job.

My mother is a once-beautiful, venomous, hateful,depressed hermit who sleeps on the couch, never cleans, rarely cooks and spends her days watching hours of tv. My dad is an eccentric failure, a loud arrogant but sensitive man,the black sheep of his privileged family. He was given a huge sum from his late father and partied it away before myself, my brother or sister reached adolescence. On thursday, welfare day, both my parents get about 200 euro each from the dole. Today is thursday.

i work full time but was unfortunate to have today off. i woke at 9am with the usual anxiety, my dad was out, he had rushed to the atm and to the off licence and had skulled a naggin of smirnoff before 10.30, and the rows began with my scottish mother fuming, "Why the **** didnt ya get me drink" so my dad gave her the rest of his booze and went out AGAIN JUST NOW. all before noon. he will get a half bottle of smirnoff this time and a half bottle of the finest bacardi for my mother, and the show will begin. there will be around 6 hours of constant screaming, physical scrapping and screaming HELP!!! EMMA HELP !!! from either parent.
My dad will go out again at 9 ish, and drink through the night, keeping us all awake with his maniac-like screaming and no concept of time. This usually happens like clockwork thursday friday sat and sun, or till the money runs out.

My mother is the most violent, but they both ADORE fighting, always have. It makes them feel alive. But it makes me want to burst. The closest thing to torture i have felt. Its a constant pull at my emotions and my stomach is in a constant twist,i have no safe haven. We have had to call the police on numerous occasions. The furthest it went was a barring order against my dad, but since my weak mother was the one with the authority (being co-owner of the house), she broke and my dad was back in the house that exact day. We (the 3 adult children) are in dispair

I break my bollix (excuse my foul mouth) trying to be a normal, functioning citizen. I am in college studying business and i work 30h a week too. Aside from the roof over my head i am completely independent. Buy my own food, made my way thru school and college without any encouragement, have worked since i was 14, but i am realising i cannot do everything alone. I have a wonderful brother, and a sister who is 24 and she is my heart and soul and knows my every thought and emotion. But she is in the same situation as me. I find it very hard to have a close relationships. My self esteem can go from ridiculously high to rock bottom. Not in such an extreme way as bi polar but i can go from elation to depression very easily.

I feel like i am in a lower league to everyone else because of my non functional parents. I have ridiculous anger problems and find myself punching more walls than a dainty 22 year old should!
The option of moving out is out, i simply cannot afford it while in college.

is there anyone in a worse situation?
or similar? is there a solution??

suki44883

Is there any way you and your siblings can get a place together? Do they work? If it were me, I'd do whatever was necessary to get out of that toxic situation.

Prayers going out to you.

Emimily

oh man.

well, yes. if you read some of the stories of recovery, you'll see how many people have gone through hell to get to where they are today - bigger, faster, stronger. really though, that's what recovery is about.

my experience is that finding support in my friends and learning about alcoholism helped me deal with my mom's relapse. i was 16, living at home, and my mom started drinking again after 20+ years of recovery. my sister lived an hour or so away, my dad lived 3,000 miles away, and i felt totally isolated. she went nuts when she drank (half irish, half native american - what do you expect, right?), threatened to kill herself, etc. eventually, it got to be too much and right after my 17th birthday i moved in with a friend and her family.

now, my mom is sober today. she has 2 dwis, one when she was 19 and one when she was 52. this just goes to show how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcoholism is. in the course of my own life, i've become an alcoholic. i have 2 years of sobriety, thanks to the most high, and my life has purpose now.

my experience has been that i compare my insides with everyone else's outsides, and that if we all piled our problems in the middle of a room, i'd probably want mine back. it's taken a lot of work to gain perspective, but i'm not a victim today. i made the decision to not be a victim when i was 17 and moved in with that family instead of blowing my brains out. i made that decision again when i walked into AA instead of drinking myself to death. reach out, look for roommates, go to alanon, get some support, have faith, and love yourself. you're gonna be okay.

keep us posted!

HERRERA

I Am 32 Years Old Now But,when I Was Way Younger, I Watched Both My Grandfathers Dranked Themselves To Death, And My Dad Abuse Alcohol And Fight With My Mom, I Believe What Hurted Me The Most Was I Felt Like I Didn't Even Exist To Them, Of Course Those Were The Excuses I've Used For My Addictions, However, There Is Always A Soulution For Every Problem. You Might Not Want To Hear This But, Your Determination And Patience That I'm Reading Will Come Along Way. If You Believe In God Ask For His Guidance, If You Don't Believe In God Than Believe In A 12 Step Program That Fits You, Go On The Website And Search, I Hope This Helps. If You Believe In Both, Your Problems Will Go Away Soon I Believe...
And I Am Truly Sorry For What You Are Going Through, Faith Witout Works Is Dead.

Chrysalis123

Oh boy, Rawdeal, your situation sounds horrible and I'm sure it feels horrible to you too. I am sorry you are going through this.

You know what jumped out at me from your post? You are very intelligent, capable, and strong. I hope you can give yourself a big old pat on the back for that. You are a survivor too...see last sentence.

I see that you have a problem and it seems gigantic to you. What can you do today to start chipping away at this? Baby steps are going to get you through this. Maybe today, you can begin by giving yourself that pat on the back and recognizing all the strong healthy things about you. Then you can start to think about how you want your life to be. More wil be revealed as you walk this path.

Please keep posting and sharing your progress. You can do this and you are not alone anymore.

benjiboy

oh mate mate mate!!! What can I say....I lived with an alcoholic mother (father left home...quite rightly) .....I was a little younger than you....was constantly lying to everyone about how things were ok!!!
Just try and keep your head...take everything step by step...this situation won't last forever....I'm wondering how long you've still got at college?
Obviously it would be great to get a place with your sister...but for the time being that will have to wait....unless maybe a housing association might be able to help....especially if you could persuade them that you and your sibblings were in danger...it's worth a try...they can only say no.
I wish I could click my fingers and make things better for you.
One last thing...don't underestimate what living with alcoholic parents might do to your subconscious....even a long time hence keep a close eye on your own habits.
Best of luck my friend.
ben

GiveLove

Sorry you're going through this. Remember this is THEIR raw deal, not yours. You can step out of the madness any time, but they'll be dealing with their alcoholic madness forever. In a similar situation, I had to:

---get a different job that paid a bit more, work a couple more hours a week
---reduce my course load a little bit to make up for that
---take a small room near campus for USD200/month to live in
---cut my living expenses (no video games, no cable TV, eat cheaply, etc.)
---apply for supplemental financial aid at the uni

I found that it wasn't as impossible as I'd thought. It was just different, and I had to make some sacrifices until I graduated.

Was it worth it?

Chr*st, yes. A thousand times over.

Good luck to you -- be careful of how leaving yourself in this situation is damaging you inside. It's not always obvious.

Ahimsa

Hugs and prayers to you Raw Deal...I myself am in a helpless-feeling situation now also - I agree with everyone else who says getting out of that toxic household is your first step...you can do it!!

dolce7dolore

I'm sorry you're going through this, and like everyone said, try to get out of this situation. At least so that you can start sleeping without those interruptions. I realize that it's very hard to save money, especially as a student, but if it is within your means to leave or move in with someone else, like could be better. There's nothing in your post to interpret this, but you have no obligation to take care of your parents or to help their well-being, so hopefully this wouldn't be a factor if you could move out.

"I feel like i am in a lower league to everyone else because of my non functional parents."

That statement is in no way true. You are not your parents and you realize what is wrong with their lifestyle. You are a student working 30 hours a week, in a lot of ways, you're probably in a "higher league" because you obviously work hard and are mature.

I wish you the best and I hope you can leave this behind you.

Rancorous

I am/was in a situation much like your own only just one of my parents was an alcoholic, i'm also the same age as you are. My father would always go from "normal" (neglecting myself and my younger sister) to abusive in an instant and I would never know what to expect from him.

My mother and younger sister just put up with all of that and would defend him to the death even though this is clearly not how family life is supposed to be. Our family life always felt like such a farce. I have a lot of anger issues and trust issues, I can't seem to make/keep any close relationships at all. I also tend to be unpredictable with my self esteem/mood in general. I mostly try to isolate myself from my family as much as possible these days, i've realized theres no talking to them and its very hard on me, i'm always tense. Anyway, my mother tried so hard from the time I was young to find something wrong with me to take the blame off of herself and my father for keeping me in that situation. Its like I was a scapegoat for everyone's problems my whole entire life.

He is dead now, he just died this year from liver cirrhosis, but all of the ******** goes on from the rest of the family. They continue to blame me when I get angry and upset and i'm still in the position of being the family **** up.

I also really want to move out and get my life together but i'm finding it very difficult since they've beaten me down for so long. My sister would never cooperate with me because she feels that everything is "fine" I also feel like I can't depend on anyone but myself because of my lack of close friendships. I'm not sure if there is a solution, which is why i'm writing and I suppose going to be watching this thing to see what people say for a while.

utopia

i found alanon a great help for dealing with the feelings in me for being an adult child of alcoholics. im 24 and have been going since i was 19. its a gentle program. they said to me to keep coming back. i found that living alone was necessary. i hope you, or that your higher power can find a way. keep coming back. it works if u work it. peace and love to you.

rawdeal

Thanks for that. I think that i need to sacrifice a few things and i can make it out of the house. You see, as of now - the only way to avoid the madness is to go out all night or stay at hotels, both cost a hellova lot in Dublin - but with budgeting, i could move out and not have to spend this money on these things.

rawdeal

Hi Rancorous

I can see how similar our personalities have become through all this pain - its very, very tough. But i think as well as everything bad, we have some powerful inner strength from dealing with it. My aim is to channel this strength positively... e.g to get out of the house. Maybe you should do this too...Hopefully then it will hit home to youre other family members that this is a big deal and there are outlets.

Thanks again for the post xxx

Wascally Wabbit

I had to live with an alcoholic mother. My dad died and she started drinking. Believe me, she was equal to having 2 alkies in the house. I was unable to leave as you are.

But, when the day came that I could, I took off running faster than an olympic gold medalist.
I stayed gone for nearly 20 years.
It got me away from the chaos, but it didn't "cure" me of my hurts. It took a lot of alanon for that.
She quit drinking almost 30 years ago. I can now have a decent relationship with her, but from a distance. While the drinking is gone, the other strange behaviors remain such as constant complaining, never thankful, always trying to make me feel guilty.
Now, I live in peace. I call her a couple of times a week but, I am far enough away that I can deal with it.

Rancorous

Thats been my goal as well, I feel that my choices have been limited by all of this nonsense though, I feel pressured to do something fast instead of taking more time to get a more complex degree. I guess I can always go back but i'm also afraid that I won't once i'm out of there and working, however, its become clear that I just need to buckle down and do it otherwise i'll never get out of here.

Thank you very much for replying to me.

GiveLove

Rancorous,

I'm back and finishing my degree in my 40s, after more than 20 years away.

If anything, I am doing better, more determined, getting better grades, and enjoying the whole thing 100% because I'm free of the madness of my sick family. You can choose your path, whatever's best for you. If you love what you're studying, you will go back.

Hoping the best for you and for rawdeal too!

GL