Cheating partners
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 31
Just got a very sickening shock today, complete with the typical codependent gut wrenching. Found out exgf is now in a relationship with the guy I suspected her of cheating on me with a couple of months back. I just feel absolutely sickened. At least now I understand why she was telling people we broke up because I was cheating on her; might have eased her guilt a bit (not that I know whether she was seeing him while we were together, and not that it really matters now).
The thing that's been really killing me throughout all this is that she's the only person in my life I've ever said "I love you" too, and I feel like she's taken that from me and I'll never get it back. I suspect that all the stuff she told me about wanting us to get married, have kids etc is the same thing she tells all her boyfriends. I was just particularly vulnerable to it because I have always wanted so much to have a family of my own. In the end, it doesn't matter a great deal to me that she's with this guy, as I told her I no longer wanted contact (which she didn't respect in the end and kept contacting me about stupid stuff that was obviously just an attempt to engage me), and I'll most likely never see her again, but it still feels like a betrayal. Her typical relationship time is 6 months before she finds someone else, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I just can't understand why at the same time she was telling people I had been cheating on her, and at the same time she was probably with this guy, she was telling me she hated that we were breaking up and that she still loved me and hoped we'd find our way back to each other in the future. Maybe there's just no point trying to understand some people. I'm just happy we live on different continents now.
The thing that's been really killing me throughout all this is that she's the only person in my life I've ever said "I love you" too, and I feel like she's taken that from me and I'll never get it back. I suspect that all the stuff she told me about wanting us to get married, have kids etc is the same thing she tells all her boyfriends. I was just particularly vulnerable to it because I have always wanted so much to have a family of my own. In the end, it doesn't matter a great deal to me that she's with this guy, as I told her I no longer wanted contact (which she didn't respect in the end and kept contacting me about stupid stuff that was obviously just an attempt to engage me), and I'll most likely never see her again, but it still feels like a betrayal. Her typical relationship time is 6 months before she finds someone else, so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised. I just can't understand why at the same time she was telling people I had been cheating on her, and at the same time she was probably with this guy, she was telling me she hated that we were breaking up and that she still loved me and hoped we'd find our way back to each other in the future. Maybe there's just no point trying to understand some people. I'm just happy we live on different continents now.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
There is no figuring out why some people do what they do, blue.
Personally, I think that telling someone "I love you" is an act of faith and courage. You should never feel like you've been robbed when you express how you feel to people. They don't get to keep it, and nothing's been taken away from you. It's all about YOU, your inner strength to express what you feel about someone rather than be a coward and keep it all bottled up. I think whenever anyone has guts enough to say what they feel inside, it's showing great bravery.
So she's unworthy of your love. Better you found out when you did than years later. She STILL isn't taking anything away from you. You are who you are, your life goes on, you're still courageous enough to live the life and values you want. What a good thing you don't share her value system! Sheesh!
Now you can use that same courage to find someone who deserves you.
Robert Heinlein wrote, "the more you love, the more you CAN love." Cheering you on to say "I love you" a hundred times a day if you want
It is yours to keep.
GL
Personally, I think that telling someone "I love you" is an act of faith and courage. You should never feel like you've been robbed when you express how you feel to people. They don't get to keep it, and nothing's been taken away from you. It's all about YOU, your inner strength to express what you feel about someone rather than be a coward and keep it all bottled up. I think whenever anyone has guts enough to say what they feel inside, it's showing great bravery.
So she's unworthy of your love. Better you found out when you did than years later. She STILL isn't taking anything away from you. You are who you are, your life goes on, you're still courageous enough to live the life and values you want. What a good thing you don't share her value system! Sheesh!
Now you can use that same courage to find someone who deserves you.
Robert Heinlein wrote, "the more you love, the more you CAN love." Cheering you on to say "I love you" a hundred times a day if you want
It is yours to keep.
GL
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Echoing what GiveLove said - she really has not taken anything from you. You still have the capacity to love (something, it seems, she may have been lacking - at least to love anyone other than herself). And you have a memory of what it feels like to be in love.
It is unfortunate that the people who can hurt us the most are those we feel most strongly attached to, but such is the price for being brave enough to admit our feelings to ourselves and others.
I am not young. I have loved and lost many times. The first I still remember as though it were just last week, despite it having been 27 years ago. The first one hurts the worst because we haven't yet developed the tools to work with a split in a less destructive manner. The corollary to that is that the first one is the one we can learn the most from, about ourselves and others and what kind of relationship we want and what the red flags are to look for.
Keep being brave, to tell someone you love them is quite possibly the bravest thing a person can do, as it is the most exposing to hurt. It can also be the most rewarding.
You're hurting now, and rightfully so. If you weren't, then your "I love you" would be meaningless. You hurt because you love(d), you love(d) because you have the capacity.
The more love in the world, the better the world is to live in.
It is unfortunate that the people who can hurt us the most are those we feel most strongly attached to, but such is the price for being brave enough to admit our feelings to ourselves and others.
I am not young. I have loved and lost many times. The first I still remember as though it were just last week, despite it having been 27 years ago. The first one hurts the worst because we haven't yet developed the tools to work with a split in a less destructive manner. The corollary to that is that the first one is the one we can learn the most from, about ourselves and others and what kind of relationship we want and what the red flags are to look for.
Keep being brave, to tell someone you love them is quite possibly the bravest thing a person can do, as it is the most exposing to hurt. It can also be the most rewarding.
You're hurting now, and rightfully so. If you weren't, then your "I love you" would be meaningless. You hurt because you love(d), you love(d) because you have the capacity.
The more love in the world, the better the world is to live in.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Just my thoughts from past expiriences. It might not be you but I think this is somethink that could happen to many ACOA.
I don't know how to put this more clear. For a long time I didn't know why my relationships were not working for me and why I was suffering while I was in a relationship.
Because of my alcoholic dad I was suffering from detachement. That means that I tried to chose guys that will not love me, guys that would lie to me all the time. I would not care about that them when they wanted to be with me but if they wanted to leave me I would just be crushed.
Until I foudn this guy that I liked: long distance relationship,fits the detachement profile perfect. But wha happened is that this guy stick around, married me and I ended up in full time relationship. That was a shock for me and ended up being obsessed to the edge of jealoussy. All this was imaginary but what I am trying to say is that ACOA have problems seeing things for what they are. The imagine lots of situations, they see people as beeing great or very bad but not based on reality. I think we like to think about it over and over again. Maybe it's just happening to me. But I can say that low self esteem and obsession is something I have plenty. I have worked with my issues and I am on the recovery now. But the detachement and the obsession are two big red signs we should watch for.
I don't know how to put this more clear. For a long time I didn't know why my relationships were not working for me and why I was suffering while I was in a relationship.
Because of my alcoholic dad I was suffering from detachement. That means that I tried to chose guys that will not love me, guys that would lie to me all the time. I would not care about that them when they wanted to be with me but if they wanted to leave me I would just be crushed.
Until I foudn this guy that I liked: long distance relationship,fits the detachement profile perfect. But wha happened is that this guy stick around, married me and I ended up in full time relationship. That was a shock for me and ended up being obsessed to the edge of jealoussy. All this was imaginary but what I am trying to say is that ACOA have problems seeing things for what they are. The imagine lots of situations, they see people as beeing great or very bad but not based on reality. I think we like to think about it over and over again. Maybe it's just happening to me. But I can say that low self esteem and obsession is something I have plenty. I have worked with my issues and I am on the recovery now. But the detachement and the obsession are two big red signs we should watch for.
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