Wascally Wabbit

My mother is a RA for 30 years. To make a long story short, she was the worse kind of drunk. You know, hateful, mean to the point I left home at 17. My sister will have nothing to do with her in the last 15 years. Even tho she's "recovered, recovering", she still exibits many of the behaviors that make both of us not want to be around her.

I am 52 she is 77. Some of the things she did to me are things that were life changing in a horrid way. So, I lost all respect for her.

She's been single since my dad died in 1969.
When she's with all her AA friends, or other family she is absolutely the most helpful, kind person you could know. Her manners are impeccable.

When she's around me, it's constant complaining, constantly trying to gain control over me and I just can't stand it! If I tell her to back off, she gets "sick" and can't talk anymore. She does thing that would make anyone cringe. Like when we went into a store and there was a mirror where she looked in and started squeezing her pores, right ther in front of everyone! Or coughs and spits right there on the sidewalk with me there too. These kind of things make me not want to be around her. She would NEVER EVER do this kind of thing around her friends in AA.

Now, she is complaining daily that she is sick. Sick with allergies and staying with a nephew and her sister. Oh, how wonderful they are she allways says! YEt never offers me one single compliment in my whole entire life! SHe goes on and on about how everyone is so great.

Ok, so she has decided she needs me to take care of her. She wants to move in.
I can't take it. I know I would be insane with in a week with her constant demands.

But, here's the kicker. I feel tremendously GUILTY for feeling this way! I should take her in, but my peace would be gone.

She has never apologized to me or my sister for what she did to us while she was a drunk, and acts as if nothing ever happened! So much for the 9th step.

What would you do? I am confused on what to do and how to feel. NOrmally, I have an answer for everything, but not for my mother.

GingerM

There are no shoulds - wishes, wants, would be in your best interest ifs, but no shoulds.

Do you WISH to have your mother live with you?
Do you WANT to have your mother live with you?
Is it in your best interest to have her live with you?

It sounds like you're feeling guilty about wanting to take care of yourself. It sounds like you grew up being told you were worthless and you weren't deserving of anything and you were neither taken care of nor allowed to take care of yourself.

But you're a grown up now. I hereby give you permission to take care of yourself (sometimes I need someone to tell me that).

Are you worth it to yourself? You really have a choice between guilt or your sanity. Lesser of two evils seems to be guilt (at least in my opinion).

As for what to tell your mother, simply tell her that while you understand her situation, you do not feel you would be able to adequately care for her. Repeat that exact statement as many times as needed to make the attempts to guilt you stop should she try to drag you into either an argument or a guilt trip/defensive posture. Sometimes practicing the statement out loud a few times helps.

In your shoes, I would quit my job and move to another country before I accepted her into my house. My sanity is worth the guilt.

Peter

I think Ginger has put it as best as it could be put.

I do believe that you can do whatever is within your power to help your mother but if it is at the expense of your own well being then you have every right to defend your space.

duet_4-8

I second that!! (((hugs)))

Spiritual Seeker

I told my mother she could live with me and that I'd build a room on for her. Then I changed my mind after I took her on a trip to FL last summer. She was negative about every single thing she said. I know that I try to live my life positively and see the positve side of life. I am on a spiritual journey to overcome my character defects and have joy for life. I know that when I am around her it is too difficult for my psyche. I had to tell her NO she couldn't live with me after all and I told her why.
I told her that for me to be around her she couldn't be negative around me and constantly bring up the horrors of the past. We must do what is right for us too.
I still help her in other ways and she is trying to be positive around me so I visit and have her come for a day visit. I refuse to accept guilt. That is her life and what she has made of it. I can not be her savior. Wascally do what will keep you living in the light along with peace and joy.

DesertEyes

Hey there Wabbit

sorry to hear you're going thru this. I had similar problems with my folks when they became ill. Here's what I did.

My biological parents did a very poor job of caring for me as a child. In fact, they did _less_ for me than I would have received at an orphanage. I had a series of foster parents and "mentors" who did far more for me than my biological parents.

Therefore I decided I owed my parents the same kind of loyalty I would owe an orphanage. Which is not much.

I have learned in recovery that love is _earned_, not granted. My parents did _not_ earn my love. They destroyed it. They are many people on this planet who are in need of love, and who deserve it. There's an elderly couple here in Vegas who live around the block from me. The guy is severly disabled and his wife has terrible osteoporesis. They're very sweet and very giving. So I look after them as if they were my parents. I also have a 94yr old lady out of town whom I call every Sunday, she calls me "son" and I call her "mom".

From what I hear my biological parents never gave up their attitudes or addictions. If I had taken them in I would have caused great harm to my own family and adopted kid. I chose to be a good parent and _protect_ my kid from harmful people such as my parents.

I don't regret that decision at all.

Wabbit, I am praying for you every day, and know that whatever you decide we will all be here for you every day.

Mike

Opus2

For what its worth Wabbit and I don't know your mother's situation, but in my experience people can get 'sick' out of spite, to encourage guilt, calm fears and gain sympathy. I often got sick as a kid especially and also when I got older, and I realized much later that alot of it was psychosomatic behavior that I 'learned' from observing my mother, grandmother and other relatives. I really did feel sick, had a fever and so on, but it was a way of gaining control over fear and uncertainty. My grandmother would constantly get 'sick' before major family events, for example, leaving everyone up in the air as to whether we'd be able to have Thanksgiving together. She'd milk it for days. Its passive-aggressive behavior and I am realizing its very hard for ACOAs not to give in to it, I know that feeling well. Please Wabbit just be aware that someone can feel sick and be manipulating at the same time. There are lots of ways she can get better - medicines, she can see an allergist, steam-clean her carpets, do yoga etc.- but if she chooses not to, how can you be responsible??
O2

Wascally Wabbit

Wow, tremendous help here. Every post is a gem that opened my eyes.
Thank you so much. I have made the decision that now is not the time to live together.