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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: TN
Posts: 2
New Here
Hello everyone,
I grew up with drug addicted parents and am currently having a hard time dealing with it. I am so thankful that I found this forum that discusses such topics. My father recently passed away from a drug overdose, however my family covers it up as a "heart attack" so the family name won't be condemned. My mother doesn't seem to care that he is dead and looks forward to her next drug trip. She couldn't pull herself together during his passing. As a result, I was left to claim his body at the hosital, pick out the urn, design the grave marker, and make all the arrangements. She didn't even attend the memorial. I had to go through the entire ordeal alone. I have an older sister but she is attending law school. My family tells me that I shouldn't be upset of my father's death because mom lost a husband and I only lost a dad. Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that he's dead and gets mad when I want to visit his grave. I am really upset since this is my first Father's day without him. Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks for listening,
Jessica
I grew up with drug addicted parents and am currently having a hard time dealing with it. I am so thankful that I found this forum that discusses such topics. My father recently passed away from a drug overdose, however my family covers it up as a "heart attack" so the family name won't be condemned. My mother doesn't seem to care that he is dead and looks forward to her next drug trip. She couldn't pull herself together during his passing. As a result, I was left to claim his body at the hosital, pick out the urn, design the grave marker, and make all the arrangements. She didn't even attend the memorial. I had to go through the entire ordeal alone. I have an older sister but she is attending law school. My family tells me that I shouldn't be upset of my father's death because mom lost a husband and I only lost a dad. Everyone seems to be ignoring the fact that he's dead and gets mad when I want to visit his grave. I am really upset since this is my first Father's day without him. Does anyone have any advice?
Thanks for listening,
Jessica
Moderator
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
Hi Jessica, welcome to SR. I am glad you found us.
Your family may continue to live in denial for a long time but at least you are beginning to understand the truth and have begun to look for answers.
I am sorry about your father. You have a right to mourn his passing. He is a part of you.If visiting his grave will help you to feel better then go without your family. You have no control over what they want to think or say but neither can they stop you from mourning.
These wounds take time to heal but they do heal.
I hope you find peace within you this father's day.
Your family may continue to live in denial for a long time but at least you are beginning to understand the truth and have begun to look for answers.
I am sorry about your father. You have a right to mourn his passing. He is a part of you.If visiting his grave will help you to feel better then go without your family. You have no control over what they want to think or say but neither can they stop you from mourning.
These wounds take time to heal but they do heal.
I hope you find peace within you this father's day.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome Jessica. Peter has very wise words.
Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, your family is allowed to voice their opinions - but here's the great part - you don't have to agree with them.
Mourning and grieving are very individual processes. Sure, there are some commonalities from one person to another, but they are vague. How each person experiences grief is different from anyone else (and can even be different from one death to the other within that person's life).
You do what you know is healthy for you, and that means riding the mourning ride, not pretending everything is fine because your family wants you to. If you deny yourself the time/ability to grieve, it will come back to bite you.
My condolences on your father. Often we miss the person, often we miss the physical being, and often we miss the "what might have been"s. No matter what, you still miss him and you need to give yourself permission to grieve. If you can't give yourself permission, I will: You hereby are granted permission to grieve the loss of your father in whatever manner it manifests in you, without care or concern for what your family thinks.
Like Peter, I, too, hope you find peace this weekend.
Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts, your family is allowed to voice their opinions - but here's the great part - you don't have to agree with them.
Mourning and grieving are very individual processes. Sure, there are some commonalities from one person to another, but they are vague. How each person experiences grief is different from anyone else (and can even be different from one death to the other within that person's life).
You do what you know is healthy for you, and that means riding the mourning ride, not pretending everything is fine because your family wants you to. If you deny yourself the time/ability to grieve, it will come back to bite you.
My condolences on your father. Often we miss the person, often we miss the physical being, and often we miss the "what might have been"s. No matter what, you still miss him and you need to give yourself permission to grieve. If you can't give yourself permission, I will: You hereby are granted permission to grieve the loss of your father in whatever manner it manifests in you, without care or concern for what your family thinks.
Like Peter, I, too, hope you find peace this weekend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Jessica,
I'm so sorry about your father, and about what you were forced to go through. I understand.
My parents were both alcoholics/addicts too. Their lifestyle caused me a mountain of pain, but they were still important people in my life, and I mourned them both when they died.
Your post made me remember when I lost my addict sister, and people told me that I was an idiot for grieving her, because she had been a junkie who had "tried her best to screw everybody else's life up" But still, she was a good person at heart, underneath all the drugs, and the loss was a big one for me.
Like Ginger and Peter have said, grieving is a very personal and private thing. You do it for YOU, not for anybody else. You will be living on this planet for a long time, and you have to make sure that the things you do are the ones best for your life -- whether or not anyone else understands.
Your mom has to find her own way. I wish her luck in doing that.
But take care of YOU. We're all here if you ever need to talk.
Hugs,
GiveLove
I'm so sorry about your father, and about what you were forced to go through. I understand.
My parents were both alcoholics/addicts too. Their lifestyle caused me a mountain of pain, but they were still important people in my life, and I mourned them both when they died.
Your post made me remember when I lost my addict sister, and people told me that I was an idiot for grieving her, because she had been a junkie who had "tried her best to screw everybody else's life up" But still, she was a good person at heart, underneath all the drugs, and the loss was a big one for me.
Like Ginger and Peter have said, grieving is a very personal and private thing. You do it for YOU, not for anybody else. You will be living on this planet for a long time, and you have to make sure that the things you do are the ones best for your life -- whether or not anyone else understands.
Your mom has to find her own way. I wish her luck in doing that.
But take care of YOU. We're all here if you ever need to talk.
Hugs,
GiveLove
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Montreal
Posts: 16
I'm so sorry for your loss. As much as I have issues with my family, I would be deeply upset if any of them died. I feel so sad for you because when your father died, the possibility, as remote as it might have been, of having him recover and start acting like a father died with him.
As for your family telling you that you shouldn't be upset over your father's death because you only lost your father as oppose to your mother losing her husband is downright insensitive. I guess you just have to imagine that they didn't realize just how much they were being a bunch of dolts when they said it.
I wish you peace.
As for your family telling you that you shouldn't be upset over your father's death because you only lost your father as oppose to your mother losing her husband is downright insensitive. I guess you just have to imagine that they didn't realize just how much they were being a bunch of dolts when they said it.
I wish you peace.
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