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Old 01-05-2017, 09:15 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Unhappy

Stepped away from codependent relationship- now a child in the middle :(


A few years ago I met a guy and dated him for a while. I ignored all the red flags, like showing up late, because he claimed he was helping his elderly disabled grandpa and I felt guilty. When the problem became stealing and lying I was made aware by his family that he has had a decade long struggle with heroin. They said he was doing well after a rehab when we met so no one told me before. Then I found myself drowning in codependency, feeling like I owed him a chance, taking him to his outpatient rehab meetings and getting caught in his huge problems of stealing from his grandmother and strong arming her to steal her car for days at time. Well I got pregnant and I guess grew up a little and realized that this was not good at all for a child, that he wasn't serious about that rehab and was still shooting up while getting suboxones and somehow passing weekly drug tests. I read a lot online and realized I was codependent and stepped away from the relationship to work on myself and allow him to make his own decisions.

Skip to years later and my son is two and a half, he hadnt seen him or paid support or even talked to me the majority of this time. He was arrested twice for stealing and this last time he was put on vivitrol and counseling by the drug courts. I started letting him see my son supervised by me (no one else available that isn't terribly codependent on him) once every other week. He has spent almost six months doing this cancelling a few times for working overtime. He seems to be doing okay, other than being argumentative and blaming me for everything. But seems to be clean. I just feel very afraid of him from past abuse so this, alone is very difficult for me to deal with. Now he is asking if I can change this to weekly visits. Im unsure as to what I should do because my gut says I shouldn't. My gut says that he is not going to stick to this after the shots are complete because he's made no other changes (other than romantic relationship right after starting vivitrol and actually working for the past few months) and he's relapsed after 3 or 4 other rehabs in the past decade. This time he is clean 10 months- he says. I'm sure I'm a little biased so I need some others that have gone through this to talk to. Should I increase the visitation to weekly? Should I ask him to do this through the courts? IDK what to do or what is right and I just want my son to be safe and stable.
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Old 01-05-2017, 11:06 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi, solicitude, and welcome. No advice other than to say this site is very supportive and helpful. Hugs.
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Old 01-06-2017, 10:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Maudcat is right. This is a great site.

You may want to post this on Friends and Family of Substance Users. It's more active and you're more likely to get a response. There are a number of folks there that have experience with child custody issues. That said...

Quote:
He seems to be doing okay, other than being argumentative and blaming me for everything.
That doesn't sound like somebody who is in active recovery to me.
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Old 08-02-2017, 11:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
Maudcat is right. This is a great site.

You may want to post this on Friends and Family of Substance Users. It's more active and you're more likely to get a response. There are a number of folks there that have experience with child custody issues. That said...



That doesn't sound like somebody who is in active recovery to me.
You are right
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heroin , recovering , relapse , visitation , vivitrol


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