GS123

I am not sure if either of you have consulted a dr but I did and used suboxone for a week, got me through the withdrawals and got right off that (was not trying to trade one addiction for another) honestly after a very serious 10+ year addiction with multiple attempts on my own which were absolute hell it made a world of difference with a dr's help(some tiredness and restlessness among other things) but worlds even galaxies better than my previous attempts to do it alone. Just want you to know there are options and seeing a dr can turn hell into a semi bad day which quickly enough turns into good days for the most part. Stay strong, get support here, from local groups like NA and from a dr if u can. You don't have to do it alone, in fact the more resources you incorporate the better your chances of success are and the easier it is. That's been my experience and I am pretty confident I am not alone. Good luck and I can't express how much better things are now after only 3 or so weeks.

sugarangel

Thank you to all of you for your support and advice....I honestly don't even know how I feel right now....My insides feel like they are raging....And the worst part is that I know it would only take 17 steps to get pills....just 17 little steps.....

sugarangel

Civic...I hope you are ok out there....

sugarangel

Maybe I should explain why this is so hard for me ...I think I am probably what you would consider a lifelong addict...I haven't really been sober since 1982...And I'm not exaggerating that..,I have done every drug you can think of at least once. I even smoked embalming fluid once. Just to see what would happen...I am that stupid. I really had no chance with drugs. I guess you could say it was my family's business. Both my mom and uncle were drug dealers. Weed and coke. So, for me growing up, drugs were everywhere. All the time. Alcohol, too, because my stepfather was a serious hardcore alcoholic. I remember one time he fell into the big glass window in the dining room, and I woke up to screaming and blood....God, there was so much blood.....Anyway, my home life was really different. Because of the drugs, we had a nice home, lots of money, and I went to a nice, private school.....I was a kid and I thought it was all so cool. My mom was like scarface to me, that's how cool I thought she was. I had a daily weed and coke "allowance" by the time I was 12. My mom gave me drugs daily so I would keep quiet and not tell anyone about the dealing and the 24 hr partying. Or about the strange people who would get wasted and crawl in bed with me at night. And that was just fine with me because the coke helped me forget....And stay awake at night. So I started drinking and partying with my mom and her friends. Then, it all ended....My mom got tipped off about a raid, so she sent me to my grandparents and got rid of her drugs...We lost everything and had to move in with my grandparents. My uncle killed himself. And that was that....Except it wasn't. At least not for me. I was 14 and a raging cokehead. So, I kept partying....Booze, crank, coke, heroin, lots of acid, mushrooms. You name it, I took it. If I was sad, depressed, angry, the drugs were always there, ready to help me forget. And, I desperately wanted to forget.not just what happened to me, but who I was. To this day, i still can't stand the sound of my own name, i am that disconnected from myself....Anyway, my whole life has been one big smear of alcohol and drugs....So that leads me to now...I started the 10 mg hydros about 7 yrs ago and I was taking 9 of them at a time 5 times a day. So 45 pills a day. Not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have been surprised I woke up the next day. I've mixed the pills with xanax, booze, and weed until I puked and passed out and still I kept waking up. Seriously, after all the stupid things I've done, i am shocked I'm still here...But here I am. So I have weaned myself down to 3 hydros and less than 1 mg xanax. And , I still smoke weed. Not a lot though. So now I am going cold turkey and I am miserable. And my dealer lives literally 17 steps from my front door. I know cause I counted it once. So how does someone who has drugs so ingrained into their behavior and choices get clean? Is there even a point to me getting sober?Am I even worth the effort anymore?I don't know....Anyway, thanks for listening to my story. It felt good to let all that out...

GS123

I may not have had the same home life situation but I can tell you I was using 20+ 30mg Oxys for the last ten years, after my mom passed away in 2014 I spent pretty much all of the 300k of so I inherited on opiates in around 15 months so I too am surprised I woke up some days, I mixed them with Coke and Xanax and hallucinogens and so so much alcohol. I have abused most drugs, I used to sell veggie quesadillas at Phish concerts which made access pretty easy for years.. Then I went to college and graduated in only 7 years lol I am an accountant but still for the last ten years persisted with the opiates until late January. I have tried stopping countless times and I tried weening and cold turkey but nothing came close to working with a good dr, it is so weird to not base my day around searching for pills and I have more freedom and energy and happiness than I can remember having, for years I knew the worst of detox was five or so days and that sounded and was insurmountable to me on my own. I want you to know u r not alone and you are not hopeless, you can beat your addiction but at the end of the day the only way you will is if YOU Want it more than anything else in the world cause it's not easy but it is more than worth it.

DoneWithIt4Good

I am sort of in the same boat, and this is my first post as well! have been reading for a few weeks but havent had the guts to post until now. It is time. I went to rehab in November of 2013 for Vicodin, had a few months clean and went back on the sauce, this time mainly with oxy, about a year ago. This is a vile disgusting disease and i am so ready to be done with it. I am trying to taper with a few final Vicodin as i get too sick going c\t and I need to be able to work. Praying this is it. It has to be. I have lost to much and I am so sick of the monkey on my back. We can do this!! I will compose an intro post in a few.

finaltime

I know how all of you guys feel. I have been a slave to pills for years, at least 10 years. Read through my threads on here, you can see that. The only thing I can swear by is NA. Not doing it alone. I am only clean from opiates since Jan 23. The detox is hell, but it passes. The best thing that worked for me is to take time off work, stay in and get through the sickness. When you get well enough, get to a meeting. Or call their hotline, people will come and sit with you. Other addicts that know exactly how you are feeling. I did that once, a nice lady who became my sponsor came and sat with me while I thought I was going to flip the f out. Once the sickness passes, meetings and reaching out or just having them care for you helps.

sugarangel, your upbringing sounds very eventful. Have you been to rehab? Have a therapist? Keep posting please. All of you are doing so well to be here, that is a huge step. The unmanageability that pills make my life is absolute hell. Living for them to not be sick is no way to live. No way to live.I have done it for way too long.

Please keep posting. Please know that there is a way out, you can't do it alone. It doesn't work. We are not strong enough, that is what SR, NA, AA, all the other recovery groups are for.

Hang in there. Proud of all of you for posting on here.

sugarangel

Thank you to all of you for your stories, help, and support....I need this right now like I need air. Not going to say much today...just too sick. I am so tired of this...The weaning process seems like it is dragging out the w/d's longer. My quit day off hydros is this Sunday, but I am in terrible w/d's already. Actually, dual withdrawls cause of the xanax...Btw, for anyone out there thinking about taking xanax.....Don't....Those sneaky little bastards never made me high, but they sure messed with my head...I can't even believe I am going to say this, but I would rather go c/t off opiates than go through benzo w/d's again....Ugh... I feel like crap...There is a quote, I think by Dylan Thomas, that says....."Somebody's boring me. I think it's me."....Yup, that's just about right where I am....

finaltime

I feel you SA. Taper never worked for me because of this. and you are doing double the wd. I always had to rip the band aid off to get it over with. Have you seen a doctor?

sugarangel

Hey, everyone....still here, trying....Forever trying.....Today was supposed to be my day 1, but like a good little addict, I got a pill this morning and took it....I am so mad at myself....Especially because this last week has been SO hard....But, there are no pills to be found now, so I am safe from using....For the moment. But in a few days, I am supposed to get my scrips from my doc, and my dealers' supplies are coming in then, too....Idk what to do. I feel like I am going into a minefield this week, and I don't trust myself yet....Hell, no one trusts me to stay clean, and I don't blame them.....I know, too, that I am the only one who can keep myself from using.....But, like I said, I don't trust myself....And, it is going to be sick with pills around here soon.....And, I need to fill my scrip to pay my dealers off. This is not an excuse....At least, I don't think it is....It's just that I want to make a clean break (no pun intended there), and paying those I owe is part of that....But, I am scared of this week....Because I want to be clean more than I have EVER wanted anything else in my life. But I "Know thyself", and I know I can be weak and selfish and single minded when I am in my deepest jones', and I am not sure how to stop the hamster wheel I'm on.....Anyway, thanks for letting me vent....Sometimes, it just helps to let it out....My tired brain needed to unload a little crap....Happy Valentine's Day to everyone.....I have been here every day, reading through posts and threads, and I am in awe of all of you....And humbled....And grateful.....Thank you.

sugarangel

Btw....Finaltime, you are exactly right about the band aid thing.....Thanks for that analogy. You gave me a new avenue of thought. My mind is running like a track star, trying to figure a way out of this mess I'm in, when maybe the thing I need to do is stop trying to control my w/d's and just give in and let it be. Just for this moment, maybe I should just be.....

Soberwolf

Have you got a plan SugarAngel ?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ful-links.html

Tiredofdrugs

Hi sugarangel!

By you coming here to SR speaks volumes in how much you want off the rat wheel! Give yourself lots of credit for that!

To say the least! It's humbling on my part when I told my 35 yro daughter today her mom has 20 months off the pain meds and she says back: "Good! Keep it that way!"

I had to come to the decision enough was enough! I'm tired of these damned things and my life is so topsy turvy I've got to get it back on track w/o the pain meds! And of course there was never enough of them to fulfill my need!

I went so far as to call a methadone clinic to ask about getting on methadone! I'm so glad I did. The woman on the other end told me if I thought Hydrocodone was hard to get off of? Then try getting off the methadone. It also eats your bones and teeth up! OMG! Well she put enough fear into me I went C/T off the pain meds! That was back in 2005 when I was on a heavy dose of pain meds!

I've been on and off them for years now. One injury or surgery after another landed me back on them. But I always found the desire to get off them again! I really love myself off the meds! Those little white pills screwed up so many years for me I'm truly sad I missed them.

The pain meds caused me so many physical problems too I wish I'd never taken them for the length of time I did! The longer I'm off the meds the less problems I have now! I had a couple of areas that hurt like a SOB from the nerves reacting to the long use of the pain meds! Thankfully those are gone now!

Just remember the longer you're taking them? The harder it is to get off them!

I wish you success in getting off the crap!

TOD

finaltime

SugarAngel, sounds like you need to get out of your head and get some help. When we act on our own self will in my experience the disease always wins. In my case, I couldn't quit on my own. I had to have support. Shoot I will have to have support for the rest of my life I have accepted that. I choose to accept that as I don't like feeling how you are feeling right now. I was tired of feeling that way. I decided to surrender. Get help, which I went to NA. I don't do anything on my own right now other than go to a meeting and work and do what my sponsor says and you know how good that feels!!! Would you want to do that? You don't need to be making all these decisions. All this doctor scripts, paying off dealers, you know what is most important right now? Getting healthy. The rest will come. I would also flip out about scripts and would I be strong enough.. I picked up so many dang times when my script was due.

You have the choice. Stop this insanity or keep it going. Only you can choose that. Its really not that hard, but when you are deep in the disease like you are now, it all seems like what you said, mine field.

It doesn't have to be this way. Pick up the phone, call your local NA or some rehab if you have the money and get some support.

We are here for you, you are making the right step and getting closer to wanting to help.

Pray. Keep posting, you are helping us as we are helping you.

sugarangel

Yesterday was hell. Pure torture. Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong....It feels like the whole universe is trying to break me. I'm tired and miserable mentally. Physically ill. Depressed andsad. Yesterday was an utter failure for the most part. And, today is starting out just like yesterday. I should explain about yesterday, but I'm just too tired. I feel like just giving up.

DoneWithIt4Good

No giving up!! ((hugs)) My life is a supreme shitstorm right now and I'm still tapering - I am planning on being done Friday so I can go through w/d over the weekend and hopefully be mostly okay by Monday. Everything and I mean everything that can go wrong has, and it's funny, I'm being accused of things I HAVEN'T done. My AV says hell, they think you did it, why not go do it? But I won't. You can do this. WE can do this. SoberWolf is right, do you have a plan? Tell us, stay with us. You can do it.

finaltime

When I read your posts I know exactly what you are going through and you both feel that there can't be anything worse. Wrong. But right now thinking of jails, institutions and death (where this disease will take us if we do not hand over our self will and ask for help) is hard to think about. We are addicts. We want the quick fix. We want to feel better now. We know that a pill will help this agony but then when we run out again???? Do we want to keep being a slave to this pill???

I was exactly where you both where in Jan. In many months, days throughout the past 10 years. And I more than likely will be back there again if I don't work a program of recovery. One thing that I tried to do for years was do it alone. It was exhausting. I always failed. I was beaten. Beaten to a pulp. You don't have to be alone. Its your disease telling you that you don't have anyone or you are different than those in a program. You aren't.

I can only talk about my experience but this last time after going through cold turkey detox alone I reached out. Once again. I was so persuaded that I could never ask for help in NA or AA again because I have failed 'them' so many times. HA what a crock of crap!! They knew exactly what I was going through when I walked into a meeting once again. They held me. They called me> They came and sat with me at my house. They, meaning the people that understand what we are going through. I am saying this to you because I wish I could go be with you right now. Wish I could help you get through withdrawals and tell you you never ever have to feel this way again. You don't have to try to fight this battle alone. It's too hard. I walked into NA and said I NEED HELP. You don't have to do NA, AA, any of that, you can walk into a church and say that. Maybe even the grocery store. ha. family>>>Anything. but if you want to quit and you are anything like me, I could do it for a bit... but always went back.

I am here for both of you. Keep posting. Think about your body getting healthier, be easy on yourself. Put on a funny movie. Force a walk. Call someone. The fact that you are trying to quit is absolutely amazing you know that??? You know how many people in this world wish they could be where you are at?

I am proud of both of you. Truly.