shelly74

Hi, I am new here and I can't even begin to express how ashamed I am of myself and how I have allowed addiction to grip me. I should have been more aware, I have many family members who have been down this path, it led my biological father into an early grave at the age of 45 from Cirrohsis. I am so scared.

I am 38, 4 kids and married for 20 years. I was never a drug user or abuser. I wouldn't get prescriptions filled when I had my babies via c-section, I was so anti drug and very judgemental of those who used. Fast forward one day, 1 year and a 1/2 ago, when I pulled out my back and have 2 slipped disc, spine degeneration with sciatica and was in killer pain. I had to take something, well one thing led to another and I am off to pain management with a monthly prescription for Vicodin. When the Vicodin didn't work I moved up to Oxycodone. Eventually that starts to not work. I am not back on the Vicodin because my "plan" was to try and wean myself off and go to something not as strong. I am on 7.5-325 4 times a day, of course I always take 2 at a time and never exceed 8 a day, I know it may not seem like a "big" addiction to some but to me it is. I was on the Oxycodone and would eat those like candy before I went back to the Vicodin, the Oxycodone were 5 mg and I would take about 3 at a time up to 9 pills a day.

I can see the changes in my life and they are not for the good. I crave the drug, can't quit and am deathly afraid of withdrawal. I am also afraid I may have damaged my liver! I am also on tramadol and have noticed that the tramadol will stop withdrawals for me, atleast it is tolerable. I am afraid to go cold turkey but I need to quit. I have no support and dare NOT tell anyone in my family or husband. What will they say? I can't even imagine the shame and disappointment. I am so depressed over this that I can only go cry in the shower so nobody sees me. Please tell me there is hope. Thank you for reading and I hope this is in the right place.

SNST

Shelly, I know what your going through, Im no pro at this recovery thing, Ive tried to quit the pills many many times an failed, I am on my 39th day today free of those horrible little pills that we fall so in love with. But there is no reason for you to be ashamed of yourself, those pills will grab ahold of you pretty fast, and they are hard to get away from, but you can do it. I never thought I could go 39 days willingly without opiates, but here I am. Everyone is different and everyone has their own way of getting off of the pills, I chose to go cold turkey, others go into rehab, some turn to Suboxen for help. But whatever you choose just know that you are not alone and if you stick around here on SR you will see that you have a ton of support. Look around, read & post, ask as many questions as you want, there is always someone here to talk to

shelly74

Thank you so much for the response. It is very hard. I keep shaking my head thinking "How did I get here" I mean I knew where this path was going but I willingly went down it because the pills made me happy and they justified me taking them for pain. Rehab is not an option and cold turkey scares me. Can you give me some insight into how bad the withdrawal from cold turkey is? I have heard horror stories. Is it based on the amount of opiate you take daily though? Thank you so much again.

soberORbust

hi shelly, yes withdrawals will depend on what opioids you were taking, how much you were taking, and for how long you had been taking them. and everybodys different.

you said you currently take between 30mg and 60mg of hydrocodone (vicodin) per day?

if you stop cold turkey, the withdrawals will not be pleasant. expect it to last a few days. could peak at the end of days 3 or 4 and slowly subside from there (aka get better and better). it will seem like hell when youre in the thick of it, but it is possible to make it thru. at my worst i was insufflating up to 750mg of oxycodone per day.

just a heads up tho, after you make it thru the physical withdrawals, the hard part starts. the mental cravings from your brain trying to trick you into using. something ive yet to fully overcome, even tho ive detoxed (went thru withdrawals) more times than i can count. these forums are a huge help tho. im at day 17 right now and owe most if it to time spent on the forums here. good luck and i hope you stick around to get the help you need.

shelly74

Yes thats correct, that is what I take daily. Thanks for the info. I know that the tramadol has allowed me to not suffer withdrawal before BUT I am afraid that I will get addicted to them if I use them to wean down. I am really nervous about the cold turkey, ugh, I am scared with my kids and how I will feel physically.

SNST

Sober is right Shelly, its different for everyone, we all go through the w/ds some have it harder than others, I was taking about 200 mg a day most days ( hydro's oxy's whatever I could get ) I went through pretty bad w/ds for about 4 days, then things started to get better, on the 4th day I managed to get up an do a few little things around the house but it was still pretty tough. But it did get better with each day, on my 2nd week I felt great! But the 3rd week I guess is when the mental part set in for me, but once I got past the 30 mark Ive felt pretty good everyday, I still dont have a lot of motivation or energy, but I try to make myself do things to get that back. But other than that Im great. I do still get occasional anxiety & cravings but I can deal with that as it comes.
I know reading about the war stories is scarey but honestly you wont regret it, its so worth it to get your life back. Just hang in there & know that it does get better

shelly74

Thanks so much for the info. I will keep everyone in the loop of how I am doing, I will most likely be here a lot. I need to mentally prepare myself.

SNST

Yes please keep posting, let us know how your doing, Im sure you will do fine I know it helps to come here an read. I like reading the threads from those who are right there with me on the time frame and those who have already been there, it helps to know your not alone. Ask questions, someone will answer, you will find that SR will be a huge help in your recovery, its what has got me this far and we will help you get through too

joygirl

Hi, Shelly!
Before I quit, I researched and read a lot about PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome). You're going to get it, probably. Knowing what's happening and why helped me push through. And I have been to this site every day since March! This is my support group.
For my actual withdrawal, I just had to go to my doctor and fess up. She was fine with it, and gave a few things for w/d symptoms. I also went to my pharmacist. He explained some symptoms and things to help with w/d, like lots of fluids and calories. I had to burn my bridges, so that I knew I couldn't get any more pills. When it's not an option, I know that's scary!, I just HAD to commit and see it through.
Withdrawal is like having a bad flu for several days, for me at least.
Does your husband know you're taking the meds for the pain? Mine did, and he could see a big difference in me. He didn't say anything, until I went to him sobbing and begging for help. He went to doctor and pharmacist with me and took care of me and our children while I was "sick". He wanted me back from the pill fog! Don't underestimate those who care about you.
And there is so much support and care and love from around the world, on this site. Take full advantage of it if you can! WELCOME!

milroy

You can do it! Probably the worst week or two of your life, but when it's over, it will be the best. It's so hard to imagine relapse during the WD, but when you feel better its a real danger. Be careful. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. Twice now. I learn the hard way

neferkamichael

Shelly, you are FANTASTIC. Rootin for ya.

shelly74

Thanks so much for all the kinds words and encouragement, it means a lot!! I have to ask though, do you think a taper for me would be best? I really have nobody to help me with kids ect...if I am going through withdrawals, is it too bad to where you can't take care of your kids? I am really scared of that. I have a whole bottle of tramadol and just to keep me from being sick I am wondering if I could use that as a taper? I have read other boards where people have done that and had little to no withdrawals. I am sure I sound pathetic, I am just really afraid of how my body is going to react without any opiates. Ugh!! I am so mad at myself.

Midlifecrisis

Hi, I feel your pain. I went from being a street drug user to completely clean, not even a user of Paracetemol and I wouldn't even give it to my kids.

And in the last year I got a bad benzo, alcohol and painkiller habit. Got clean through inpatient detox and was recently put on oxy and tramadol for pain. Used it properly for a few days with my husbands help but I've abused it the last two days after getting another prescription

Keep posting, we understand.

Midlifecrisis

Personally with opiates I would do it cold turkey. You will have three or four days of hell but it will get better after that. If your blood pressure isn't too low the doc could prescribe something like clonidine to help with withdrawals, it helped me.

Oh and I only say cold turkey because I personally didn't have the willpower to taper. I did with Benzos but the benzo withdrawal is dangerous and I was in hospital so had no choice but to take what I was given. It was hell.

If you think you can taper with the help
Of a doc it will be more pleasant.

I know I couldn't do it without my husbands support even though it had been terrible for him.

Good luck, keep talking, alot of us can relate. I am back to day zero agajn.

joygirl

We can't give medical advice, so I don't know. I did taper down my oxy dose over a few weeks, then just quit. I could take care of my kids minimally, basic needs. But mostly I stayed in bed and bathroom. My kids are not little though. Little ones need more attention of course. Good luck!

joygirl

My doc gave me clonidine also, along with imodium and neurontin. All very helpful, but they have to come from doc.

shelly74

I have neurontin, a whole bottle and I have the tramadol. I am going to try and use that and see if it will atleast make me able to tolerate the withdrawals. I hope it works, I really have nobody to help with the kids and they are all under the age of 10, youngest is 3. How does the neurontin help with it? Thanks

shelly74

I feel for you, I have been on the same thing and everytime I say to myself that I will take them as directed, I fail. I suck, I had no self control. I have tramadol now and its always helped me with the withdrawals so I am going to try and use that to help me get off this crap. Good luck to you. I know its very hard.

shelly74

Thank you!!

Midlifecrisis

It is hard. I have just relapsed again so am not physically addicted yet. Hopefully I can stop before I start. My kids are all little too, it's hard. Keep posting! Have you seen the mums club? Come and join us.