I am so ashamed
Hi, I am new here and I can't even begin to express how ashamed I am of myself and how I have allowed addiction to grip me. I should have been more aware, I have many family members who have been down this path, it led my biological father into an early grave at the age of 45 from Cirrohsis. I am so scared.
I am 38, 4 kids and married for 20 years. I was never a drug user or abuser. I wouldn't get prescriptions filled when I had my babies via c-section, I was so anti drug and very judgemental of those who used. Fast forward one day, 1 year and a 1/2 ago, when I pulled out my back and have 2 slipped disc, spine degeneration with sciatica and was in killer pain. I had to take something, well one thing led to another and I am off to pain management with a monthly prescription for Vicodin. When the Vicodin didn't work I moved up to Oxycodone. Eventually that starts to not work. I am not back on the Vicodin because my "plan" was to try and wean myself off and go to something not as strong. I am on 7.5-325 4 times a day, of course I always take 2 at a time and never exceed 8 a day, I know it may not seem like a "big" addiction to some but to me it is. I was on the Oxycodone and would eat those like candy before I went back to the Vicodin, the Oxycodone were 5 mg and I would take about 3 at a time up to 9 pills a day.
I can see the changes in my life and they are not for the good. I crave the drug, can't quit and am deathly afraid of withdrawal. I am also afraid I may have damaged my liver! I am also on tramadol and have noticed that the tramadol will stop withdrawals for me, atleast it is tolerable. I am afraid to go cold turkey but I need to quit. I have no support and dare NOT tell anyone in my family or husband. What will they say? I can't even imagine the shame and disappointment. I am so depressed over this that I can only go cry in the shower so nobody sees me. Please tell me there is hope. Thank you for reading and I hope this is in the right place.