your favorite links on moderation, controlled drinking, and the various 'drink normally' stories
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Canberra Australia
Posts: 191
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers 
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I never supply a "how to" of any type of moderation, self-control efforts, and the like.
Since this is a forum for people who want to stop, that's all I encourage and share about from my ESH.
I also remember the saying" I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it."
Wanting or trying to help a friend proactively (not because they come to you) is just something I don't do, nor find a useful application of my time.
Since this is a forum for people who want to stop, that's all I encourage and share about from my ESH.
I also remember the saying" I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it."
Wanting or trying to help a friend proactively (not because they come to you) is just something I don't do, nor find a useful application of my time.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I suppose at some point he will have to come up with a diagnosis for himself before he can determine what action, if any, he needs to take.
I have loads of scary stories about alcoholics failing to control and enjoy their drinking. 70% of my rehab group were dead within a year on that path, but we were all clearly end stage alcoholics, and we just chose the wrong option. But we can't scare an alcoholic into sobriety.
If they want to try and moderate, it might work if they are not too far gone, or it might be a disaster, like it was for me. But, if we assume your friend is alcholic, or nearly alcoholic, perhaps we could look at what it is like to live with moderation from that starting point, as opposed ot total abstinence and a solid program for living.
I had an experience when I attended an AA meeting at our Community Alcohol and Drug Service. Being government funded, they don't offer any 12 step type program, but the do have "harm minimisation" and "controlled drinking" programs, other types of therapy and they do precribe medications of various sorts.
A few of their clients came into the meeting, and I met one or two afterwards who were at CADS for their regular appointments. What struck me about most of them was the hopelessness, and the similarity to the palliative care my terminally ill wife receved. F'd up on pills, struggling to keep control on a daily basis, these folks were not getting much of a life and didn't seem to have any real hope of getting better. They were more like my wife in a sense, taking whatever would give them a little comfort while waiting for the end. Except my wife had a great spirit and a strong faith, and continued to love those around her to her last breath.
The best you could say about the CADS folks was that they were not as bad as they used to be. They get a pretty second rate deal in my opinion. I think it is very wrong for any organisation to lead alcoholics to believe they might be able to moderate. When one gets so bad they need to detox, they are told to keep drinking moderately for up to six weeks before they are eligible. It is an impossible ask of an alcholic, but if they tell them to stop, and they die in a siezure, then heads will roll. The best interests of the patient do not come ahead of political correctness, and arse covering in the alcoholic field.
I have loads of scary stories about alcoholics failing to control and enjoy their drinking. 70% of my rehab group were dead within a year on that path, but we were all clearly end stage alcoholics, and we just chose the wrong option. But we can't scare an alcoholic into sobriety.
If they want to try and moderate, it might work if they are not too far gone, or it might be a disaster, like it was for me. But, if we assume your friend is alcholic, or nearly alcoholic, perhaps we could look at what it is like to live with moderation from that starting point, as opposed ot total abstinence and a solid program for living.
I had an experience when I attended an AA meeting at our Community Alcohol and Drug Service. Being government funded, they don't offer any 12 step type program, but the do have "harm minimisation" and "controlled drinking" programs, other types of therapy and they do precribe medications of various sorts.
A few of their clients came into the meeting, and I met one or two afterwards who were at CADS for their regular appointments. What struck me about most of them was the hopelessness, and the similarity to the palliative care my terminally ill wife receved. F'd up on pills, struggling to keep control on a daily basis, these folks were not getting much of a life and didn't seem to have any real hope of getting better. They were more like my wife in a sense, taking whatever would give them a little comfort while waiting for the end. Except my wife had a great spirit and a strong faith, and continued to love those around her to her last breath.
The best you could say about the CADS folks was that they were not as bad as they used to be. They get a pretty second rate deal in my opinion. I think it is very wrong for any organisation to lead alcoholics to believe they might be able to moderate. When one gets so bad they need to detox, they are told to keep drinking moderately for up to six weeks before they are eligible. It is an impossible ask of an alcholic, but if they tell them to stop, and they die in a siezure, then heads will roll. The best interests of the patient do not come ahead of political correctness, and arse covering in the alcoholic field.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Don't have a link but will share my truth. Whenever I committed to cutting back or controlling my drinking it was just a matter of time before the dam broke. And when it broke it was worse than if I had not tried to control my drinking. I would over-drink and drink at all hours of the day. Absolutely horrible memories.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
Hi FreeOwl, I get what you’re trying to do for your friend and thought your post was a good idea. I find reading about the experiences of others to be useful as warnings/ reminders/ gaining info/ learning about alcoholism. I think it’s cool you’re doing this for your friend.
I don’t have any links but just my two cents: I bet he’s tried to moderate before and not succeeded (whether he’s been honest with himself about it or not). So maybe just worth reminding him of his OWN story as well as that of others. My mum used to say ‘the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.’ And there’s also that cliche: madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
Best of luck to him, and to you as you support him.
-S
I don’t have any links but just my two cents: I bet he’s tried to moderate before and not succeeded (whether he’s been honest with himself about it or not). So maybe just worth reminding him of his OWN story as well as that of others. My mum used to say ‘the best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.’ And there’s also that cliche: madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.
Best of luck to him, and to you as you support him.
-S
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Originally Posted by FreeOwl
yes.
and yet, looking back every story I heard, every experience that was shared with me, every warning and example I was given..... in retrospect was one small piece of my own journey to acceptance and understanding.
and yet, looking back every story I heard, every experience that was shared with me, every warning and example I was given..... in retrospect was one small piece of my own journey to acceptance and understanding.
Congrats on your 7,000 posts by the way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm wondering how your friend is doing FreeOwl?
D
D
He may not be 'an alcoholic' - though he's certainly encountered some of the things those of us who claim that title would relate to.
Maybe he's one of those who can be a binge-drinker and turn it around. Maybe he's only buying time.
The bottom line is though he's still a drinker - and he's not talked to me about it since this original post.
As a side note: I received some nasty communication that I think must be about this post.
Hopefully, those who took the time to read it closely would recognize that I had no intention to glorify, glamorize or support the idea of moderation. I have been sober over 4 years and don't believe that moderation is a solution for those with alcoholism and addiction.
So - if anyone's read this and gotten angry at me - I suggest re-reading it more closely to see the actual point.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 121
IM really sorry to hear that you received nasty communication, that’s terrible and really unfair, IMO 
Well, as many of us on here will know, perhaps your friend will need more time, more ups and downs, before he decides he wants to address his issues... or perhaps he never will. You’ve made efforts to help and I’m sure he knows you’d be there to support him if he were to make the leap. I do hope the nastiness on the forum won’t stop you from posting any updates-although I would also entirely understand if it did! In any case, best of luck to him...
Well, as many of us on here will know, perhaps your friend will need more time, more ups and downs, before he decides he wants to address his issues... or perhaps he never will. You’ve made efforts to help and I’m sure he knows you’d be there to support him if he were to make the leap. I do hope the nastiness on the forum won’t stop you from posting any updates-although I would also entirely understand if it did! In any case, best of luck to him...
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