My Story of Moderation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
My Story of Moderation
I’ve been reading a lot of posts on here about moderating alcohol. If you look over to the left you can see that I joined Soberrecovery in June of 2010. I got sober in June of 2014. I tried moderating my drinking for four years.
In 2010, I was 28 and had been drinking nightly since I was 21. For most of this time period I could drink myself to happiness, relaxation, and sleep without any apparent problems. Sure, I had headaches on quite a few mornings but it wasn’t cramping my style and I was able to live a pretty normal life. I knew that I drank a lot more than most people but I knew I’d slow down someday. Stop someday? Of course not. But I was in my twenties and loved to drink and it really did cure that insomnia I’d had since I was a teenager. I slept like a baby after half a fifth of vodka. And since I didn’t have children or a spouse and my family lived in a different state, why wouldn’t I drink for a little longer?
2010 was a turning point for me for several reasons. First, my tolerance had gone up so that half fifth of vodka (or 375 mL plastic bottle) of vodka kept looking smaller and smaller and I’d finish it much earlier than I had planned or wanted to. 8 pm would come (I was a 5 pm drinker) and I’d find myself puzzled about where it went and how I drank it so quickly. And what puzzled me the most was why I didn't feel drunk. So I figured I would need to start getting more. And get more I did. When the quantity became really big I started having blackouts and would do the most horrendous things I didn’t know I was capable of. In early 2010 I had pushed people, yelled at people, broken things, thrown things, and injured myself. So this had me thinking that it was time to start moderating my drinking.
What actually got me googling was not to moderate my drinking but a nagging pain in my stomach that I figured (even in my denial that I was an alcoholic) was probably caused by drinking. That’s when I decided to moderate or stop. I figured I would experiment with stopping but if I found it too difficult I would then moderate my drinking.
When I first joined I started reading around and thought that reading other people’s war stories would scare me straight; straight into moderation. When I joined I wanted to read other people’s stories so I could compare them with my own drinking and feel better about moderating. I remember the first time I logged in I read until about 8 pm but the craving became too much and I went to Circle K and bought two tall boys of Bud Light. The liquor store was closed at that point and I really thought that two tall boys was a huge improvement. Four units of alcohol is certainly better than 12 or 14. Right? I wanted more when they were empty but I figured Rome wasn't built in a day and that moderation would take some determination and I was up for the fight. I woke up the next morning without a hangover for the first time in a few years and was so relieved that I was improving.
Somehow I managed to string along 10 whole days of sobriety in July of 2010 and even marked them on the calendar with a highlighter. I had proven to myself that I was not actually an alcoholic and I was so relieved. I drank only a mickey (375 mL) of vodka on the 11th night to celebrate. Moderately celebrate. I wanted more when it was gone but I stuck with my plan and did not return to the liquor store for more.
I didn’t log into soberrecovery for probably six months after that and I drank every night, the same quantity as the height of my drinking.
The hangovers got worse than ever and at this point I realized that two beers wasn’t going to cut it so I accepted the fact that I was just going to get trashed every time I drank. This wasn’t a problem though because I came up with a plan to moderate the days I drank. How bad could it be if I only drank to get drunk like once a week? And if that didn’t work out I could always choose some random holiday like New Years and just get drunk then. Around this time I started logging in here again to scare myself into moderation, moderating the days I drank.
I stopped logging in about a week later and started drinking every night again, the same amount as before.
I crossed off moderating the amount I drank per session and the days I drank so I decided to moderate myself to only beer and wine. I started off with wine because it had a higher alcohol content. I lived right by a Trader Joe’s and I would buy two bottles of their $2.99 wine and figured I really wasn’t spending that much since my fifths of vodka were $5.99 anyways. This worked for a little while but the only problem was that two bottles of wine didn’t get me drunk enough to go to sleep and I was finishing them by 7:30 or 8:00 pm. And good heavens, those HEADACHES!
Within a few weeks my beer and wine moderation plan didn’t work so I went back to vodka.
What I have written up to this point gets us to probably 2012 when I gave up all plans of moderating and just drank how I wanted every night. And it was back to vodka. My tolerance was larger than ever and my hands started trembling when I’d put in my contacts in the morning. The hangovers at this point were nothing short of terrifying.
What bothered me just as much as how much I was drinking was how much I was scheming and planning to drink.
But I was not done with my plans to moderate. About 6 months before I finally stopped drinking I gave moderation ONE last try. No more vodka, no more wine. Only beer. I figured I could start drinking beer and finally achieve moderation. I would buy two of those 20 ounce large bottles of craft beer (these weren’t even around in 2010!) and they were strong beer. I purposely chose the ones with 9% alcohol so I could kinda sorta get a buzz and still tell myself that I was moderating. Well, most nights “kinda sorta” didn’t cut it so I would walk back to the convenience store and buy a six pack of cheap beer and drink that. I did the math and my head would often hit the pillow after only 8 or 9 “units” of alcohol. Well, thank goodness, I was really figuring out this moderation thing.
The last night I drank was in June 2014 and I didn’t moderate so well that night. It was still just starting with my two craft beers and then I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking for the whole 10 minute walk to the convenience store to buy two more large craft strong beers and a six pack of Pabst. It was probably only 12 beers total but when I woke up the next morning I had never been so sick and agitated and sad and mad and scared in my entire life.
Or maybe my moderation didn't fail at all because I didn't give myself one more tomorrow or one more next week.
My final, last ditch effort to moderate had failed me and I finally waved the white flag.
In 2010, I was 28 and had been drinking nightly since I was 21. For most of this time period I could drink myself to happiness, relaxation, and sleep without any apparent problems. Sure, I had headaches on quite a few mornings but it wasn’t cramping my style and I was able to live a pretty normal life. I knew that I drank a lot more than most people but I knew I’d slow down someday. Stop someday? Of course not. But I was in my twenties and loved to drink and it really did cure that insomnia I’d had since I was a teenager. I slept like a baby after half a fifth of vodka. And since I didn’t have children or a spouse and my family lived in a different state, why wouldn’t I drink for a little longer?
2010 was a turning point for me for several reasons. First, my tolerance had gone up so that half fifth of vodka (or 375 mL plastic bottle) of vodka kept looking smaller and smaller and I’d finish it much earlier than I had planned or wanted to. 8 pm would come (I was a 5 pm drinker) and I’d find myself puzzled about where it went and how I drank it so quickly. And what puzzled me the most was why I didn't feel drunk. So I figured I would need to start getting more. And get more I did. When the quantity became really big I started having blackouts and would do the most horrendous things I didn’t know I was capable of. In early 2010 I had pushed people, yelled at people, broken things, thrown things, and injured myself. So this had me thinking that it was time to start moderating my drinking.
What actually got me googling was not to moderate my drinking but a nagging pain in my stomach that I figured (even in my denial that I was an alcoholic) was probably caused by drinking. That’s when I decided to moderate or stop. I figured I would experiment with stopping but if I found it too difficult I would then moderate my drinking.
When I first joined I started reading around and thought that reading other people’s war stories would scare me straight; straight into moderation. When I joined I wanted to read other people’s stories so I could compare them with my own drinking and feel better about moderating. I remember the first time I logged in I read until about 8 pm but the craving became too much and I went to Circle K and bought two tall boys of Bud Light. The liquor store was closed at that point and I really thought that two tall boys was a huge improvement. Four units of alcohol is certainly better than 12 or 14. Right? I wanted more when they were empty but I figured Rome wasn't built in a day and that moderation would take some determination and I was up for the fight. I woke up the next morning without a hangover for the first time in a few years and was so relieved that I was improving.
Somehow I managed to string along 10 whole days of sobriety in July of 2010 and even marked them on the calendar with a highlighter. I had proven to myself that I was not actually an alcoholic and I was so relieved. I drank only a mickey (375 mL) of vodka on the 11th night to celebrate. Moderately celebrate. I wanted more when it was gone but I stuck with my plan and did not return to the liquor store for more.
I didn’t log into soberrecovery for probably six months after that and I drank every night, the same quantity as the height of my drinking.
The hangovers got worse than ever and at this point I realized that two beers wasn’t going to cut it so I accepted the fact that I was just going to get trashed every time I drank. This wasn’t a problem though because I came up with a plan to moderate the days I drank. How bad could it be if I only drank to get drunk like once a week? And if that didn’t work out I could always choose some random holiday like New Years and just get drunk then. Around this time I started logging in here again to scare myself into moderation, moderating the days I drank.
I stopped logging in about a week later and started drinking every night again, the same amount as before.
I crossed off moderating the amount I drank per session and the days I drank so I decided to moderate myself to only beer and wine. I started off with wine because it had a higher alcohol content. I lived right by a Trader Joe’s and I would buy two bottles of their $2.99 wine and figured I really wasn’t spending that much since my fifths of vodka were $5.99 anyways. This worked for a little while but the only problem was that two bottles of wine didn’t get me drunk enough to go to sleep and I was finishing them by 7:30 or 8:00 pm. And good heavens, those HEADACHES!
Within a few weeks my beer and wine moderation plan didn’t work so I went back to vodka.
What I have written up to this point gets us to probably 2012 when I gave up all plans of moderating and just drank how I wanted every night. And it was back to vodka. My tolerance was larger than ever and my hands started trembling when I’d put in my contacts in the morning. The hangovers at this point were nothing short of terrifying.
What bothered me just as much as how much I was drinking was how much I was scheming and planning to drink.
But I was not done with my plans to moderate. About 6 months before I finally stopped drinking I gave moderation ONE last try. No more vodka, no more wine. Only beer. I figured I could start drinking beer and finally achieve moderation. I would buy two of those 20 ounce large bottles of craft beer (these weren’t even around in 2010!) and they were strong beer. I purposely chose the ones with 9% alcohol so I could kinda sorta get a buzz and still tell myself that I was moderating. Well, most nights “kinda sorta” didn’t cut it so I would walk back to the convenience store and buy a six pack of cheap beer and drink that. I did the math and my head would often hit the pillow after only 8 or 9 “units” of alcohol. Well, thank goodness, I was really figuring out this moderation thing.
The last night I drank was in June 2014 and I didn’t moderate so well that night. It was still just starting with my two craft beers and then I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking for the whole 10 minute walk to the convenience store to buy two more large craft strong beers and a six pack of Pabst. It was probably only 12 beers total but when I woke up the next morning I had never been so sick and agitated and sad and mad and scared in my entire life.
Or maybe my moderation didn't fail at all because I didn't give myself one more tomorrow or one more next week.
My final, last ditch effort to moderate had failed me and I finally waved the white flag.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Definitely didn't not work for me either. I don't kid myself if I went back I would just start where I ended. I can't just have one or two drinks. I am either all in or all out and I choose to be all out.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,413
Fabulous post Melinda... moderating never worked for me either.
Many alcoholics, who are in denial try to moderate with no success and if they don't stop completely it can easily escalate to a dangerous, life threatening health condition. Thanks for sharing your story.
Many alcoholics, who are in denial try to moderate with no success and if they don't stop completely it can easily escalate to a dangerous, life threatening health condition. Thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 194
Originally Posted by MelindaFlowers 
I’ve been reading a lot of posts on here about moderating alcohol. If you look over to the left you can see that I joined Soberrecovery in June of 2010. I got sober in June of 2014. I tried moderating my drinking for four years.
In 2010, I was 28 and had been drinking nightly since I was 21. For most of this time period I could drink myself to happiness, relaxation, and sleep without any apparent problems. Sure, I had headaches on quite a few mornings but it wasn’t cramping my style and I was able to live a pretty normal life. I knew that I drank a lot more than most people but I knew I’d slow down someday. Stop someday? Of course not. But I was in my twenties and loved to drink and it really did cure that insomnia I’d had since I was a teenager. I slept like a baby after half a fifth of vodka. And since I didn’t have children or a spouse and my family lived in a different state, why wouldn’t I drink for a little longer?
2010 was a turning point for me for several reasons. First, my tolerance had gone up so that half fifth of vodka (or 375 mL plastic bottle) of vodka kept looking smaller and smaller and I’d finish it much earlier than I had planned or wanted to. 8 pm would come (I was a 5 pm drinker) and I’d find myself puzzled about where it went and how I drank it so quickly. And what puzzled me the most was why I didn't feel drunk. So I figured I would need to start getting more. And get more I did. When the quantity became really big I started having blackouts and would do the most horrendous things I didn’t know I was capable of. In early 2010 I had pushed people, yelled at people, broken things, thrown things, and injured myself. So this had me thinking that it was time to start moderating my drinking.
What actually got me googling was not to moderate my drinking but a nagging pain in my stomach that I figured (even in my denial that I was an alcoholic) was probably caused by drinking. That’s when I decided to moderate or stop. I figured I would experiment with stopping but if I found it too difficult I would then moderate my drinking.
When I first joined I started reading around and thought that reading other people’s war stories would scare me straight; straight into moderation. When I joined I wanted to read other people’s stories so I could compare them with my own drinking and feel better about moderating. I remember the first time I logged in I read until about 8 pm but the craving became too much and I went to Circle K and bought two tall boys of Bud Light. The liquor store was closed at that point and I really thought that two tall boys was a huge improvement. Four units of alcohol is certainly better than 12 or 14. Right? I wanted more when they were empty but I figured Rome wasn't built in a day and that moderation would take some determination and I was up for the fight. I woke up the next morning without a hangover for the first time in a few years and was so relieved that I was improving.
Somehow I managed to string along 10 whole days of sobriety in July of 2010 and even marked them on the calendar with a highlighter. I had proven to myself that I was not actually an alcoholic and I was so relieved. I drank only a mickey (375 mL) of vodka on the 11th night to celebrate. Moderately celebrate. I wanted more when it was gone but I stuck with my plan and did not return to the liquor store for more.
I didn’t log into soberrecovery for probably six months after that and I drank every night, the same quantity as the height of my drinking.
The hangovers got worse than ever and at this point I realized that two beers wasn’t going to cut it so I accepted the fact that I was just going to get trashed every time I drank. This wasn’t a problem though because I came up with a plan to moderate the days I drank. How bad could it be if I only drank to get drunk like once a week? And if that didn’t work out I could always choose some random holiday like New Years and just get drunk then. Around this time I started logging in here again to scare myself into moderation, moderating the days I drank.
I stopped logging in about a week later and started drinking every night again, the same amount as before.
I crossed off moderating the amount I drank per session and the days I drank so I decided to moderate myself to only beer and wine. I started off with wine because it had a higher alcohol content. I lived right by a Trader Joe’s and I would buy two bottles of their $2.99 wine and figured I really wasn’t spending that much since my fifths of vodka were $5.99 anyways. This worked for a little while but the only problem was that two bottles of wine didn’t get me drunk enough to go to sleep and I was finishing them by 7:30 or 8:00 pm. And good heavens, those HEADACHES!
Within a few weeks my beer and wine moderation plan didn’t work so I went back to vodka.
What I have written up to this point gets us to probably 2012 when I gave up all plans of moderating and just drank how I wanted every night. And it was back to vodka. My tolerance was larger than ever and my hands started trembling when I’d put in my contacts in the morning. The hangovers at this point were nothing short of terrifying.
What bothered me just as much as how much I was drinking was how much I was scheming and planning to drink.
But I was not done with my plans to moderate. About 6 months before I finally stopped drinking I gave moderation ONE last try. No more vodka, no more wine. Only beer. I figured I could start drinking beer and finally achieve moderation. I would buy two of those 20 ounce large bottles of craft beer (these weren’t even around in 2010!) and they were strong beer. I purposely chose the ones with 9% alcohol so I could kinda sorta get a buzz and still tell myself that I was moderating. Well, most nights “kinda sorta” didn’t cut it so I would walk back to the convenience store and buy a six pack of cheap beer and drink that. I did the math and my head would often hit the pillow after only 8 or 9 “units” of alcohol. Well, thank goodness, I was really figuring out this moderation thing.
The last night I drank was in June 2014 and I didn’t moderate so well that night. It was still just starting with my two craft beers and then I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking for the whole 10 minute walk to the convenience store to buy two more large craft strong beers and a six pack of Pabst. It was probably only 12 beers total but when I woke up the next morning I had never been so sick and agitated and sad and mad and scared in my entire life.
Or maybe my moderation didn't fail at all because I didn't give myself one more tomorrow or one more next week.
My final, last ditch effort to moderate had failed me and I finally waved the white flag.
In 2010, I was 28 and had been drinking nightly since I was 21. For most of this time period I could drink myself to happiness, relaxation, and sleep without any apparent problems. Sure, I had headaches on quite a few mornings but it wasn’t cramping my style and I was able to live a pretty normal life. I knew that I drank a lot more than most people but I knew I’d slow down someday. Stop someday? Of course not. But I was in my twenties and loved to drink and it really did cure that insomnia I’d had since I was a teenager. I slept like a baby after half a fifth of vodka. And since I didn’t have children or a spouse and my family lived in a different state, why wouldn’t I drink for a little longer?
2010 was a turning point for me for several reasons. First, my tolerance had gone up so that half fifth of vodka (or 375 mL plastic bottle) of vodka kept looking smaller and smaller and I’d finish it much earlier than I had planned or wanted to. 8 pm would come (I was a 5 pm drinker) and I’d find myself puzzled about where it went and how I drank it so quickly. And what puzzled me the most was why I didn't feel drunk. So I figured I would need to start getting more. And get more I did. When the quantity became really big I started having blackouts and would do the most horrendous things I didn’t know I was capable of. In early 2010 I had pushed people, yelled at people, broken things, thrown things, and injured myself. So this had me thinking that it was time to start moderating my drinking.
What actually got me googling was not to moderate my drinking but a nagging pain in my stomach that I figured (even in my denial that I was an alcoholic) was probably caused by drinking. That’s when I decided to moderate or stop. I figured I would experiment with stopping but if I found it too difficult I would then moderate my drinking.
When I first joined I started reading around and thought that reading other people’s war stories would scare me straight; straight into moderation. When I joined I wanted to read other people’s stories so I could compare them with my own drinking and feel better about moderating. I remember the first time I logged in I read until about 8 pm but the craving became too much and I went to Circle K and bought two tall boys of Bud Light. The liquor store was closed at that point and I really thought that two tall boys was a huge improvement. Four units of alcohol is certainly better than 12 or 14. Right? I wanted more when they were empty but I figured Rome wasn't built in a day and that moderation would take some determination and I was up for the fight. I woke up the next morning without a hangover for the first time in a few years and was so relieved that I was improving.
Somehow I managed to string along 10 whole days of sobriety in July of 2010 and even marked them on the calendar with a highlighter. I had proven to myself that I was not actually an alcoholic and I was so relieved. I drank only a mickey (375 mL) of vodka on the 11th night to celebrate. Moderately celebrate. I wanted more when it was gone but I stuck with my plan and did not return to the liquor store for more.
I didn’t log into soberrecovery for probably six months after that and I drank every night, the same quantity as the height of my drinking.
The hangovers got worse than ever and at this point I realized that two beers wasn’t going to cut it so I accepted the fact that I was just going to get trashed every time I drank. This wasn’t a problem though because I came up with a plan to moderate the days I drank. How bad could it be if I only drank to get drunk like once a week? And if that didn’t work out I could always choose some random holiday like New Years and just get drunk then. Around this time I started logging in here again to scare myself into moderation, moderating the days I drank.
I stopped logging in about a week later and started drinking every night again, the same amount as before.
I crossed off moderating the amount I drank per session and the days I drank so I decided to moderate myself to only beer and wine. I started off with wine because it had a higher alcohol content. I lived right by a Trader Joe’s and I would buy two bottles of their $2.99 wine and figured I really wasn’t spending that much since my fifths of vodka were $5.99 anyways. This worked for a little while but the only problem was that two bottles of wine didn’t get me drunk enough to go to sleep and I was finishing them by 7:30 or 8:00 pm. And good heavens, those HEADACHES!
Within a few weeks my beer and wine moderation plan didn’t work so I went back to vodka.
What I have written up to this point gets us to probably 2012 when I gave up all plans of moderating and just drank how I wanted every night. And it was back to vodka. My tolerance was larger than ever and my hands started trembling when I’d put in my contacts in the morning. The hangovers at this point were nothing short of terrifying.
What bothered me just as much as how much I was drinking was how much I was scheming and planning to drink.
But I was not done with my plans to moderate. About 6 months before I finally stopped drinking I gave moderation ONE last try. No more vodka, no more wine. Only beer. I figured I could start drinking beer and finally achieve moderation. I would buy two of those 20 ounce large bottles of craft beer (these weren’t even around in 2010!) and they were strong beer. I purposely chose the ones with 9% alcohol so I could kinda sorta get a buzz and still tell myself that I was moderating. Well, most nights “kinda sorta” didn’t cut it so I would walk back to the convenience store and buy a six pack of cheap beer and drink that. I did the math and my head would often hit the pillow after only 8 or 9 “units” of alcohol. Well, thank goodness, I was really figuring out this moderation thing.
The last night I drank was in June 2014 and I didn’t moderate so well that night. It was still just starting with my two craft beers and then I stopped drinking. I stopped drinking for the whole 10 minute walk to the convenience store to buy two more large craft strong beers and a six pack of Pabst. It was probably only 12 beers total but when I woke up the next morning I had never been so sick and agitated and sad and mad and scared in my entire life.
Or maybe my moderation didn't fail at all because I didn't give myself one more tomorrow or one more next week.
My final, last ditch effort to moderate had failed me and I finally waved the white flag.
It never worked and alcohol would eventually caused enough trauma (nearly make me lose a job, or ruin a relationship etc) to scare me right for a bit. Then I'd stop drinking for stints. Go back to thinking I had mastered this thing. I then went back every time with a new plan.
My last 'mastery of moderation' before I stopped again I was drinking a bottle of red wine a day chased down with 2 or 3 beers....waking up and swigging down some water a few times a night. In the week anyway so that I could mostly function at work. Then binging on the weekends and being a wreck Mondays and sometimes into Tuesdays. Feeling better by Wednesday. Everything was entirely fixated on managing this routine. Life was something outside of alcohol that went on and according to my insane alcoholic brain this was a pretty moderate situation. I after all had spent years drinking all day and night and not being able to function or be any good to anyone.
Thinking back I wasn't so much managing alcohol to live life. I was managing life to live with alcohol. I'm 2 months sober now and while life isn't a cakewalk and as someone with a very busy mind I do miss the calming effects alcohol has on me, at least the bulk of my efforts are now related to improving my life. My health is better (I look and feel so much better), my work is great, my finances are healthy and my self esteem and self respect are totally rejuvenated. I am more assertive and confident in pursuing my goals and agendas mostly because there's not that knowledge in my head that I'm basically a worthless drunk who knows whatever happens I'll be care free and wasted later. While I am struggling to express my emotions and socially awkward without alcohol, the reality is that alcoholism is nihilism. Whatever struggles that go on in my mind now, they're real and they're important. They're dealt with and not swept into a pile under a rug.
Everyday in a little way I am relearning to deal with the world without a crutch. There is much work to be done, and life isn't always fresh air and rose petals sober, but I have to make a choice between hiding from life, or facing it with a clear mind. Focusing on every small victory and never forgetting my past failures, traumas and harm I have caused.
11.30.14
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: California
Posts: 401
Go Melissa!
Moderation for us alcoholics always turns into an epic failure. The big ah ha moment was realizing that I could never moderate. I could never be that person who has one glass of wine once or twice a month. EVER.
Moderation for us alcoholics always turns into an epic failure. The big ah ha moment was realizing that I could never moderate. I could never be that person who has one glass of wine once or twice a month. EVER.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Brilliant, Melinda -- thanks for this post. I also have a similar story. In the last year of my career I tried to moderate also because my body could not handle daily drinking or extended binges anymore. I had many scary symptoms clearly from my drinking and would be sick like a dog for a day or two after polishing off a fifth or a liter of vodka (that is how much I would typically drink in one round in the end, which typically wasn't even a whole day). My digestive system would be messed up in a few ways, all sorts of aches and pains, and often too weak to get out of bed. Plus the typical "mental" symptoms of withdrawal. Yet after one day of feeling better, I would start again. I wasn't really in denial about my alcoholism or what it was causing, I just did not care enough to stop I guess. So glad that era is quite far behind now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: California, USA
Posts: 277
Such great stories. They really ring true for me. My last period of extended sobriety was probably five years ago and I've been working on moderating ever since. Drinking only with meals, not drinking at home, drinking only two a night, blah blah blah. Strange that it always ends up in the same place, with me drinking more and more to just feel anything from it, while it silently destroys my liver, pancreas, and stomach.
Moderation has bought me diabetes, pancreatitis, gastritis, barrett's esophagus, osteoporosis and IBS. You'd think I'd get it with a list like that, but I'd tell myself I'm going to die anyway, might as well go out doing what I love. And the behavior changes-- well, we won't even go into that. Let's just say I'm not my best self when I'm "moderating."
Nope, this time I have to face the fact that I can't drink, period. Thanks for these wonderful posts reminding me exactly why. It's just what I need to face the weekend ahead!
Moderation has bought me diabetes, pancreatitis, gastritis, barrett's esophagus, osteoporosis and IBS. You'd think I'd get it with a list like that, but I'd tell myself I'm going to die anyway, might as well go out doing what I love. And the behavior changes-- well, we won't even go into that. Let's just say I'm not my best self when I'm "moderating."
Nope, this time I have to face the fact that I can't drink, period. Thanks for these wonderful posts reminding me exactly why. It's just what I need to face the weekend ahead!
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
I had to laugh, but only because that sounded like my own insane attempts to moderate. When I came here after throwing away 30 years, I managed to get to 60 days and then I just had to try it again. There was no stopping me.
That lead to another 19 months of punishing myself trying to get it right. I could count on one hand the times I was successful during that period. I always made up for it the next time. The hangovers and self-loathing became more and more unbearable. Finally the struggle just got too exhausting and I gave up. I had to try it before I became convinced. I feel fortunate I was able to crawl out of that alive.
Thank you for the great post.
That lead to another 19 months of punishing myself trying to get it right. I could count on one hand the times I was successful during that period. I always made up for it the next time. The hangovers and self-loathing became more and more unbearable. Finally the struggle just got too exhausting and I gave up. I had to try it before I became convinced. I feel fortunate I was able to crawl out of that alive.
Thank you for the great post.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 90
Somewhere in my head I long ago knew I couldn't moderate but went through many of the same actions. I think I always knew if I could talk myself into the first few with some good excuses, my addiction would do the rest for me.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
This reminded me of the last time I tried to moderate. I actually bought homeopathic pastilles for hangovers. Didn't want to tax that liver any further with Tylenol. And the stomach could no longer handle Advil.
This, my friends is alcoholic rationale at its absolute finest.
This, my friends is alcoholic rationale at its absolute finest.
under new management
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 2,339
Great post, Melinda!!
I know from my own experience how simply exhausting it is to moderate. I am so grateful everyday not to have to play this crazy making game with myself anymore.
I know from my own experience how simply exhausting it is to moderate. I am so grateful everyday not to have to play this crazy making game with myself anymore.
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