BrendaChenowyth

You say I think too much? You say I analyze too much? Well right now I am analyzing your face and thinking about punching it. How's that sound?



The urge to stop thinking is why I looked to alcohol, why I became addicted to alcohol, why I did it for all those years. But now I'm done doing that and I have nothing to quiet my mind.

There were things to quiet, or I would never have turned to alcohol. Now the thoughts are active - hyperactive - about the present, the past and the future. A lot has happened to me, and so I'm going to think about that.

And furthermore, why is it considered such a bad thing to think and analyze? I have a brain and it helps people and it solves problems. It cares and empathizes, it forces me to slow down and think things through before I act on impulses, like rage and desperation. Humans evolved this high functioning brain for a reason. And I like being smarter than you, thank you very much.

But the person who says this to you, they're not interested in your feelings. They're either frustrated that you aren't talking about them, or frustrated that they can't help you, but they are saying they no longer want to hear it. And maybe they have a good excuse. Obviously that I'm saying this tells you that I opened up to someone today and the other person said these things to me. She was very sick and busy and having to push through her day, and then I started pestering her with my dramatics.. they were a big deal to me, but not to her.

Other times, the person saying that to you is simply a narcissist and does not appreciate that your full attention is not on them. And you being the over-analytical thinker that you are, have to be the one to take a moment and instead of taking it personally, walk away...

Don't give in to those words. There is nothing wrong with thinking a lot. You are slowly but surely becoming a better person for it.

dox

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"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."

~Albert Einstein

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Doug39

I also drank to forget. And for many years it worked.

But I can not be drunk 24/7 so it got to the point that when I was sober I could not function and that is no way to live.

sleepie

Are you talking about worrying?

I have never been in a position to not worry about something. I really think this is a huge by-product of a traumatic upbringing. I do believe that living through trauma for many years rewires your brain, I was told so by one therapist years ago anyway... I too drank to quell the anxieties. They were very real anxieties.

But worrying does provide some productivity because you can at least figure some things out I think.

BrendaChenowyth

Worrying.... There is a difference, for me, between worrying and introspection and being thoughtful.... I tend to equate "worry" with being unnecessarily anxious or upset about things I can't control, either in this moment, or at all, and especially when they have not happened yet. In most cases, when I "worry", it's about a perceived threat. What if I fail at this? What if I burn this bridge? What if my financial situation takes a turn for the worse? The other time I worry is when something bad does happen and I think the world is ending and it isn't. I failed out of nursing school, again. I lost another job. What will I do now? Why am I worrying about what I am going to do next when that takes care of itself? There will always be another step, I'm not going to cease to exist because circumstances are not ideal. That's the way I've started to look at life.

But there are things in my past that have not been resolved and need to be so that I can become a better person and have my best life. So that's not trivial at all. However, I've been dealing with a situation at work that has an underlying emotional component for me, and I've only talked to my mother about the facts of the situation. I need to avoid someone I work with because he makes me uncomfortable. He's an ******* and has been to other girls. He's been asked to keep his distance. As far as she knows, this is a cut and dry HR issue. In reality, in my reality, there's a lot of underlying emotional issues. This is a person who reminds me of my father, the source of my depression, anxiety and drinking, and over the past year I have been projecting all of my unresolved emotions about my father on to this other person. He's your garden variety alcoholic jerk, from all outward appearances. In my experience, however, he is a relapse trigger.. but I can't decide if I've done the right thing, am I being unfair to him because my issues are my issues and he didn't really do anything to cause them.

This is getting really long.. but my point is, you may know that there are real issues that you need to work out for yourself, while outsiders can only see them as a superficial hangup that you need to get over.. you can't always lean on other people for sympathy on the big important things.

It's one thing to ask for an ear or a hand, but at a certain point, there's nothing they can do to help you, and you have to let them off the hook. You may still have to do some personal work, on your own.. You may also have to determine if you are in fact just worrying too much!

BrendaChenowyth

The undeniable urges come up when I least expect them to. Several years ago a relapse happened when I was sitting in biochem and suddenly all I wanted to do was go get drunk... the desire was so intense nothing else mattered. My biggest worry right now is that I will be just fine until I am not. That was why I wanted out of the situation with this man, I didn't want to end up NEEDING to relapse. Just now I was folding towels and putting them away and out of nowhere my brain went "You can shut it all down by drinking" and I remember that it did used to take all my problems away.. and maybe if I did it just this once, I could just take a little break from life.. We know that's not true.. And I do need to stop analyzing and fixating on myself.. My mother's not totally right but not totally wrong either. I think I've been thinking too much. So much that my brain desires a hard shut down.

BrendaChenowyth

I think I'm gonna tackle some stuff I can actually fix right now, like in the physical tangible world, not in my head, and stop with this incessant naval gazing... nonsense... it's gonna drive me to drink.

ScottFromWI

Breaking things down into simpler steps and taking them on as you have time is a good idea Brenda. I did a lot of repetitive, simple things early on in sobrierty like cleaning/organizing around the house. Simply taking a walk can be a very calming experience too. Long term I think you might benefit from mindfulness and meditation too...have you read about either by chance?

noneever

I tend to navel gaze a lot. Sometimes it's useful, often it's not. I'm starting to recognize when I'm ruminating uselessly rather than problem solving or analysing purposefully. When I do recognise it, I find mindfulness or being engaged in something physical really useful
I've taken up cross stitching again (after neglecting it for years) as it keeps my mind focused.
Analysis has its place but for me, ruminating or rehashing the same old stuff with no new outcome=turning to alcohol to switch off my mind.

doggonecarl

If we are wired that way, it's how we are. I've come to accept it...

...and without drinking over it.

BrendaChenowyth

So this untangled a little bit more of the frustration I've been having... that last part "no new outcome"... perhaps for now I need to be doing this work ONLY with a trained professional who can help me unlock the solution, because I don't already have it in me, or I'd have it by now, and that's what is frustrating me and that's what is going to lead me to drink.

soberlicious

I reject both of these statements. If I look at things that happen in life in that way...then everything has the potential to be a "relapse trigger". I only need frame it as such and voila...there it is!

Others have mentioned mindfulness. There are tons of great writings out there about the practice. This article has some pretty powerful stuff on the subject:

BrendaChenowyth

I choose to have feelings for him. I choose to take them too far. HE is not the problem. He hasn't done anything to me.

I'm done pushing him away because my pushing him away from me is also putting distance between him and another person he cares about.. and that's not fair, just because I choose to make his presence an issue for myself.

teatreeoil007

There are a couple schools of thought here perhaps.

One is you need to leave the situation you are in mainly because it could be a trigger to drink. Your sobriety and health are of A-1 importance. So if being in the current situation is really really going to be a big trigger you'll have to make some sort of decision....

But, another angle is that you could learn from this situation, face your fears, work through your feelings, address your issues, see them for what they really are and see it through, stick it out or whatever. When life happens these types of scenarios do come up...but only you really know if you have enough "sober muscles" to power through this and come out okay.

Staying is a calculated risk. But leaving is a calculated risk as well, because you do need to work and make a living. So if you leave, you have no idea what your next assignment will be. But if you stay it could be too much of a trigger.

Also, I wouldn't assume it is all a one-sided deal. He sounds like an unhappy man, from what you've described who has an ill wife. Perhaps his marriage is unfulfilling. and is not meeting his needs adequately. Maybe he is looking for comfort from whomever, wherever, whatever he can...and has sought comfort from alcohol tool



A lot of people just seem to like knowing they are still attractive to the opposite sex, especially as they get older. He has insecurities too, not just you.

teatreeoil007

You know, I'm not absolutely sure that we always choose who we are attracted to, who we become infatuated with, who we fall in love with, who we obsess about. If we find someone interesting, for example, we simply find them interesting. If we find them boring, we find them boring, and so on...Just as sometimes we do not control who feels that way about us.

Yes, there are certain things we can do to establish boundaries and keep healthy boundaries. There are certain 'messages' we can give off to others. And, I think we are able to have some control over what kind of impression we make. It does take being aware and a little practice. A person is not going to all of the sudden have healthy boundaries. I mean, yes, some of us were raised with knowing about healthy boundaries and we started using that from an early age. But people who have been sexually violated and/or abused have a real hard time with that...

Your comment about not pushing him away from caring about someone reminds me a little of "interference". For example, when a third person interferes with the relationship between two others. This happens a lot actually and it seems like people can end up "competing" in some situations; not saying that is the case for you.

As a caregiver being paid by a company to do so, I think you sort have to evaluate whether or not your feelings are interfering with your client's care and well being. Just my 2 cents. Ideally, caregivers work with family members being mutually cooperative for the benefit of the client. It sounds like you are good at what you do for this lady.

BrendaChenowyth

I think he knew at one point I was looking at him and flirting some.. this is back in December/January. Within the same weekend, he made a comment to somebody else that he is old and fat.. Okay, not that anyone can tell in clothing, he had actually lost weight, but obviously he was thinking more along the lines of how he looks without clothes.No, really. Nobody who sees him fully clothed is going to think "fat". He made his insecurity known because of my presence in the room. The same day possibly, but definitely the same weekend. He told someone "I'm only... ##" when they asked when he was retiring. When he said it he looked straight at me. I knew exactly how old he was. His wife had her first hospitalization shortly there after. He started to drink more and talk less after that, became more moody. There were times I perceived he came over and tried to chat with me... in the spring, he would come over 5 separate times on a Saturday, find various little things to do. Likely trying to get out of the house... but Easter Sunday his wife tried to hurt herself, possibly took took much pain medication and had another extended hospital stay.. he obviously retreated even more, but shortly there after one of the other caregivers, another cute 31 year old, suddenly quit for personal reasons. *shrug* just saying.

BrendaChenowyth

My attraction to him was physical (all about the eyes and smile) instant and very strong. Then my brain made connections to the "type" of man he is, for example, a little melancholy so I couldn't help but try to figure out the things that made him perk up, like his hobbies, grandchildren who were 5 months old at the time.

I do not think my issues with him have interfered with my caregiving, in fact, besides my attachment to him, the biggest reason I'm still there is that I am good at what I do. I have fallen in to a leadership role, I organize that household and keep the other caregivers on task. And it actually irritates me, that just when I start to feel totally burned out and want to move on, all these people start in with the praise, telling me how I'm so good and they wouldn't know what to do without me. Grrr...

I do not think he is a trigger any more. Someone made me realize that I CHOOSE to frame it that way. Nothing need be a trigger if I don't want it to be. I will not drink. There is no trigger. Only unpleasant feelings and less than ideal circumstances, which I need to learn to navigate as part of my recovery, because they will always be there in some form.

soberlicious

Yes!! This is so spot on!