Smarie78

My Abf likes to stich together a few sober weeks (use to be months) and then binge until he is near death. This tends to last about 7 days and results in me breaking my promise to myself and going to pick him up from wherever he is, typically covered in his own excrement, urine, and vomit, to take him to my home to detox (hello, codependent!)

It's a sad and disgusting thing, but after detox he gets himself all clean and handsome again, heads down to the job that never fires him, back to my arms that never deny him....rinse, lather, repeat.

They say they will never learn or get better until they hit bottom, and rescuing them will not allow that to happen. I intervene because it is more complex than most people know to detach from a loved one. I intervene because I am all he has left. I intervene to cheat his own death.

The question is, did your A need to truly hit bottom alone in a hole before they sought help? Does anyone have a success story that involves their helping the A who went on to achieve lasting sobriety? Or have the majority of folks backed away until the A was either dead, homeless, or jail/hospital?

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome.

You're looking at this from the standpoint of what you can do to get him sober. While rescuing him is a form of enabling, chances are he would be doing exactly the same thing if you weren't there to rescue him. The question is, what toll is all of this taking on YOU?

Alcoholics get sober when they are good and ready. Some seemingly have no bottom--they drink until they die. Which could be a very long time, or a relatively short one.

I'd suggest you start looking at your own life, and how this constant drama is affecting you. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, I really recommend it.

AnvilheadII

hello and welcome to SR!!!

there are a lot of descriptions and opinions about Bottom, Rock Bottom or Hitting Bottom. it isn't ONE event that happens to every addict/alcoholic that signifies the END of their using career and their joyous path to recovery. some people don't HAVE a bottom......some just keep digging deeper and deeper. for some all it takes is a couple really BAD things to happen in succession, and boom the light goes on.

codependents try to do two things simultaneously - PREVENT their loved one from SUFFERING with in their mind would equate with hitting bottom AND trying to force that same bottom to occur. and they end up enabling the addict to KEEP using without facing the FULL repercussions of that choice. they try to imagine what that bottom MUST look like, but they can NEVER see it all thru the eyes of their loved one.

so here's a question.....is THIS how you want to live YOUR life? being the hazmat squad and local detox facility? you talk about trying to "save" his life....but what about YOURS dear one? and are you really SAVING him............or unwittingly aiding and abetting? is it your JOB to be his personal EMT? is that doing either you one bit of good?

if he can call YOU, he can call 911. you are not his only hope, Obi Wan. it FEELS like it, and that is a role you have slipped into, but you are NOT the only hope that alcoholic has.

now here's the tough part. addiction DOES kill. and it's awful. but so do buses careening down highways....landslides......heart attacks....airplane crashes. i lost my own mother to alcoholism - she was 57. there was NOTHING, NOT.ONE.THING. i can have done to prevent it. i wasn't in charge of her life. i could not make her stop. NO ONE COULD. and she wasn't interested.

in october, i turn 57. and god willing, my own daughter won't have to witness my passing in such a gruesome way. from here on out i get to see what life MIGHT have been like for my mom had she decided to stick around. MY life, MY days go on.

firebolt

Why would he stop? He has you and a boss to fix him up and give him a cushy place to land every time he messes up his life. There is no reason for him to change.

We know how hard it is all too well. We are A LOT like them though....the pain of us keeping on the way we are has to get worse than the pain of us changing before we'll actually do it. We'll make ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually sick in the name of "helping them cheat death."

I gently suggest you start contemplating where YOUR rock bottom is.. rather focusing on if he can get better without hitting his. Your life is worth more than the painful one you are choosing to live with him.

(((HUGS)))

Smarie78

Excellent insight all of you, thank you for the reminder of my value that can become so lost in this hell. I am involved in the Alanon program and have been working with an incredible therapist that understands addiction and detachment quite well.

While I am receiving much healing support, I also see an evolution in my experiences starting to form. I have played and continue to play rescuer to this person for the last year (1 year next month from his first and what would become a series of relapse since we've been together 1.5 years). Most times I am an emotional wreck during his relapse binges and my own life becomes unmanageable (I miss work or cannot perform, I fall into depression, excessive lying to protect him and me, etc. many things the A does on a different plane).

Yet during his last binge, while I did eventually play rescuer again, I oddly did not fall apart the week he was gone. I acredit that to Alanon , practicing detachment, and perhaps even getting closer to my own "bottom". I also made my first call to the police to have him leave my apartment as soon as I saw he was passed out with a bottle of vodka and refused to leave (no typical tears or fear from me either, just business). I know I am getting closer.

I do however continue to struggle in what my mind perceives as traditionally giving up on him, but I don't know how many rounds in the ring I can go. I have suffered greatly. The humiliation of police coming into my apartment building with neighbors looking on, paying for ambulance rides and hospital copays, walking into my home he had been watching my dog at while I traveled for work, only to have to book an emergency flight home and find my couch drenched in urine and liquor bottles everywhere - the dog not looked after, explicit messages from women on his phone next to him in plain view.

I have done everything for this man and each time it's a promise to "get to my meetings again, I gotta be a good father to my son again, wow THIS time was a wake up call! I cannot lose you! ".....it's now at a point where I have almost no care left in me for him. What once was me feeling sorry for him has grown to me feeling sorry for myself.

It's become more clear everyday to me that this is a man who I cannot inspire or make do anything. He is incredibly attached to me (in almost a child like way) and I don't have it in me to give it back outside of basics. He says he is depressed that he feels he lost his best friend because I have changed. But how does one remain the same cheerful self (the old me) to someone that has hurt them so much? so all I can do until I decide to leave is tend to my own life full speed ahead. I feel closer...I know it.

ResignedToWait

They will find a way, even if you're not saving them.

My AW did the same thing. She'd drink herself to near death, and when she finally got bad enough for a hospital visit, she'd get clean for a week or a month and it would happen all over again.
After I gained custody of the kids and moved away, leaving her in the house alone, I thought for sure that it (her death) wouldn't take long since I wasn't there anymore to call the ambulance when she was too weak to even get more alcohol, and ended up having seizures from being without it for even a few hours.

However, very, very shortly after we left, she found herself a new person in her life. A late-40's guy that lived down the road with his parents, who was apparently more than happy to come live in the house rent-free with her, as they partied together and drank with literally no responsibilities in life. He then took on the role of her enabler..."saving" her over and over by calling the ambulance when she was near death.

Now, over three years later, AW's mind is like jello. She spends her days watching the same movies over and over again, drinking till she passes out, then wakes up and does it all over again, barely leaves her bed...interspersed with emergency visits to the hospital to save her when her organs begin to fail. All without medical insurance, of course.

So, in my limited experience...your A will find a way to not hit bottom on their own. They don't need your help. Let him suffer the consequences of his own behavior. He will never get better if you save him every time he falls, and you will be establishing that as your role in the relationship for the rest of your life. Take control of your own life, and let him fail or succeed on his own.

alwayscovering

My AH is only 26 days in so I don't know if this will be lasting sobriety. I sure hope so.

I will say he stopped drinking when our youngest started asking if Daddy will be in a bad mood when we get home. That crushed my husband so he set a D-day of sept 1st and started going to therapy a week later. We'll see how it goes.

Smarie78

The fact that he started going to therapy a week later is a great sign alwaysrecovering. This is something my Abf needs to also do as he has very clear symptoms of borderline personality that comingle with his addiction. But again, I have done all the searches for therapists and recommended people, etc. Until he realizes his addiction won't go away until he handles the underlying issues, it's out of my hands. Best of luck to you and everyone else who has, or is currently sitting in the passenger seat of this nightmarish ride.

AnvilheadII

Until he realizes his addiction won't go away until he handles the underlying issues, it's out of my hands

it is out of YOUR hands no matter what he decides.

hwilliamfl

I was near death, In prison, Homeless and the thing that saved my life was for my love to let me fall.
I was upset with him, but most of all upset with myself.
I pulled myself up from being pinned down from the grip of alcohol. My drug of choice.
I became independant once again. One step at a time.
One meeting at a time.
Not everyone has a success story. Some end in death.
Thing to remember.
You can not help someone who can not or will not help themselves.

pndm07

There's a great sticky I go back to a lot - "Can it be any Clearer" - I think in the classic reading section, possibly one of the others. It is by a recovering A. If you ever are concerned that you should be doing something/more to help your A, read this. It is a kick in the pants, and a very helpful one.
As someone who has been an enabler for years, and who by nature, constantly worries about the A (my mantra is, "I hope he isn't dead"), the process of detaching and learning to let him do what he will do (because really, there is no other alternative, and my so called interventions did jack squat) has been very, very difficult. However, remember, you are a person too - and the only one that you have control over. Remember that letting go of trying to control the situation doesn't mean you have to totally stop caring, it just means that you are in a healthier, peaceful place for yourself.

FeelingGreat

I just want to echo what the others have said, that he is using you as a fall-back position.
He knows he can go on his binge and you'll be there to pick up the pieces. All he has to do is throw you some sweet words and promises. Forget what he says and look at his actions instead. Does he thank you by staying sober?
I know you feel you'll be on your own without him, and you love him, but think about how you want to live your life and what future you see for yourself.

Maudcat

Seconding what Anvil said. "Bottom" isn't the last final thing that provides the needed wake-up call to the alcohol-dependent person. It's when the A recognizes the consequences of his/her actions and decides, somehow, to change. This will often only occur when the people who love him/her step back and stop rescuing or helping. This is an incredibly difficult thing to identify, let alone execute. I recommend attending al-anon meetings to everyone who posts with this sad situation. There is a TON of strength , hope, and experience in the Al-Anon rooms. The people there have been exactly where you are now. Truly, it can help. Good luck. Peace.