qtpi

Hi Desert Eyes, Thank you. I appreciate the gesture. And others on this forum thought I might get something good from ACOA as well. So thank you- I guess what I read on the website was over the top for me. If things had been that bad, I would have left when the kids were in school, as I know a lot of people here have done. Alcoholism progresses and I hit my limit in February of this year. My youngest had left home at the end of 2015, and both kids are doing okay in life- I think their Dad is just very manipulative- as he was with me also- and very charming and like I said, he tells them I quit drinking, I will go to counselling, I will do whatever she wants. And I think they believe him, and want me to give him another chance- they think I am being unreasonable. The evolution of my leaving the last couple of months is long and winding, but I told only a few people I was considering it- and not the kids certainly- so they didn't know until the day after when I told them. I did not tell AH in advance because I knew if I did, he would hide all our money- and I am too close to retirement - so filing for divorce protects the funds- sure enough as soon as the banks open, guess who cleaned out an account to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars? His lawyer told him to put it back and he did- otherwise I could have received more money as the court decides to punish a spouse who tries to do that. In advance of this I had moved into a second bedroom, refused his advances, and asked him to be evaluated by a drug/alcohol counselor. After a couple of weeks of me not caving and moving back in to his bed, he finally saw someone- a little crumb, he tosses me- but he refuses to go to AA or rehab and he doesn't throw out any of the liquor, although he said he had stopped drinking. Well believe it or not even his counselor called me on the phone and wanted me to come in for counselling after I left- just give him one more chance! Just set a limit! he says to me. He is a real charmer and I am not falling for it any more.

I admit to being very angry at my children. Their lack of compassion is disappointing to me. It may be good for us not to talk right now actually because I am so angry at them I may say things I regret.

LexieCat

It's YOUR life, and I think it's hard for young adult kids to understand that once they have moved out, their parents have a right to live their own lives. I've heard of kids flipping out because the family home was sold--even when the parents have a great marriage and are simply downsizing. They have these visions of holiday gatherings back at home and it feels like their childhood has been ripped away.

I think this is something that time and a bit of real-life experience will resolve. As you get older, you realize life is a lot more complicated than you imagined. I remember my older son having huge resentments (largely justified) about the relationship I had with my last significant other (who really was a jerk--especially to him). Lo and behold, my son wound up in a relationship with someone dangerously unstable, and he hung in for quite a while before (thankfully) stepping away. He's more compassionate now about how it can be difficult to leave someone even when you know the relationship is bad for you.

Sandraxia

Even before they move out, or so I've heard.

I still can't grasp what reason your children could have to be angry at you - but going very low contact until they've calmed down seems like a very good idea.

qtpi

well to put it simply- they love Dad, don't want to see him unhappy, think I am unreasonable and it is all my fault, and think I have the power to go back and make things all better for poor unhappy pooped upon Dad. Kind of like the movie The Parent Trap- except for me it would be the ultimate parent trap!

Sandraxia

Okay, I see. It is unreasonable but it is good that you know what's up.
They love Dad - ok, I am sure they also love Mom. The can't help it actually, they are genetically engineered to love you, so don't worry. They'll come round.
You are not unreasonable - you deserve a happy relationship with the man you choose, and that man should not be an alcoholic who makes you miserable and takes little to no responsibility for his actions.
If he is unhappy, that is his problem. I am sure you didn't leave the minute he brought the first beer to his mouth; I am almost sure you gave him chances after chances and neglected your own well-being for the sake of the marriage for quite a while (if not- congratulations). Enough with that. Everyone has a responsibility for themselves as well as for others.
Thinking they can guilt trip you into going back into a destructive relationship is a duck move. I don't know what got into them but it's good you're keeping your distance until they snap out of it. Just make your life as happy as possible. You are the priority right now. You need to be stable and happy to welcome them back after their horrendous treatment of you. So best wishes and stay strong!

qtpi

Thank you Sandraxia. you got it exactly right. He takes almost no responsibility for what he did. He never said to me- you are right. I am an alcoholic. The counselor told me he was- I knew it but it felt good to hear it confirmed- I guess part of my codependency is not trusting myself. Anyway, he is delaying the divorce and refuses to give me alimony. so he isn't taking responsibility.
It is so hard but I am just going to let both of them go for awhile.

qtpi

Well, I am back. Reading over this thread has been very helpful. STBXAH has manipulated so many people- his counselor- who was convinced he is no longer drinking( so why is there still booze in the house?), my brother- who has been really sweet to me, some mutual friends, and his lawyer- whom he convinced that I blindsided him by moving out- poor man! He manipulated me for years and even sent me a letter a couple of weeks ago- so graciously- that he would forgive me and take me back!! So why be surprised that he could manipulate his own children who love him?

But the update is DD has been having a relationship with me and the anger seems to have faded although there are awkward moments. Would she like me to return? Yes. And she would like to see her father happy, and she says he is lonely. But we had a really nice visit Monday- she saw my new place, she likes it, and we took a nice walk, and had lunch and it feels like something is mended. I won't take him back. The divorce should be final in less than 2months.

But what I told DD, and I think it made a difference, is there has been no responsibility, no remorse, and no repair. He tried to steal a lot of money from an account and he is fighting alimony.

Also I told her he should be honest with DS and tell him the breakup was because of his alcoholism and his abuse and your mother did the right thing- he should tell DS not to punish me or hold it against me. I told her until this - at least - is done , I know he is not being honest or honorable and there is no point to returning when I cannot trust him to be so. I think she got it finally.

A bit manipulative on my part? Well- yes. But on the other hand -it is true if STBXAH were honest honorable and truly in recovery, he would try to repair what he has damaged- including the damage he has done to my relationship with my son.

Meanwhile DS continues to see STBXAH on a regular basis- and has had no contact with me.

LexieCat

I glad she's coming around.

As for his admitting responsibility, I wouldn't give her any expectation that he might actually do that. You already know he won't. Be careful about making too much effort to expose him as the bad guy. Might backfire.

Maudcat

Sometimes people act out with the parent they know it is safe to act out with. Grammatically messy, but you get the drift. As heart-hurting as this is for you, it feels to me that your son and daughter will continue to give you grief until you say, "enough." If it were me, I would tell them both, "This is what I did. This is why I did it. I'm not going back." No apologies, no "sorry you're not good with it." They are adults who, sadly, are not acting very adult-like right now. Give yourself a break from them for a bit. And definitely give Al-Anon a try if you haven't yet. Al-Anon members are aces at helping with guilt feelings because they have been there too. Peace.

Maudcat

Just saw your update post. Glad you and your daughter talked. Progress, not perfection, right?

FireSprite

Can I (very gently) ask - did you help minimize, hide or ignore your husband's drinking problems for all the years that your kids were growing up?

Playing devil's advocate here but if this is all that your kids have ever known & then one day -SUDDENLY- things change, is it really crazy to think that they'd be upset & confused & conflicted about their loyalties? How can they understand the dynamics that have been building toward this moment for decades without ever being informed along the way? Have you stepped back & looked at this solely through their perspective? I hope this comes across as the "food for thought" that it is & not Judgment (because it isn't).

Maudcat

Long time ago, I had a supervisor at one of my first full time jobs. Nice man, quiet, proper, in his sixties, I guess. (Everyone seems old when you are in your early twenties.) he looked out for the younger staff and stopped us from doing something dumb more than once. He was estranged from his adult children. Don't know why, but they were mad at him for something. We talked about it once. He mentioned it, I said sorry and was there hope for a mending of fences? He paused before he answered, then said in a real mild tone, "Well, they have their view of things, and I have mine. And I am sure not going to hand them the whip to flog me with." That phrase, " the whip to flog me with" has stayed with me all these years. I know I thought it when I left my first husband, and my son wasn't too happy with me. But..at the end of the day, it was my life to live. Not his.