Sandraxia

Well cutie pie, it is absolutely not your children's business to punish you for your own life choices concerning your relationship. If you want to leave because your ex is an alcoholic then leave. If you want to leave because he is growing hair on his ears or because you can't stand the way he uses the cutlery anymore, leave. You don't need a justification. If you don't feel good, loved and cherished in a relationship, you can leave anytime. Hell, you can even leave IF you are feeling good and loved. It is your choice and your choice alone. I would ask your kids how they would like it if you commented on their partners, and told them to leave or stay with Partner A, B or C. They would probably tell you to butt out. Surround yourself with friends who you can vent to, and forget your children's ungrateful asses for a while. As long as you personally are good to your children, you are doing everything right, and as a rational moral person with dignity you have an absolute right to your own way of happiness!

qtpi

Thank you everyone for your thoughts- I am so tired tonight, Just exhausted emotionally. My son and I work at the same hospital and I actually walked by him tonight and there was no acknowledgement and I said nothing to him. Later I texted him and said I didn't say hello, because you have asked for "space" and I did what I thought you would have wanted but this was very very hard and painful for me. I haven't heard back and I guess I won't . My walking by him was not planned or deliberate on my part. I am just heartbroken. I think I Just have to leave them both alone. Now i am wondering again if I should have left. But I just can't go back. But again tonight- so many tears.

SeriousKarma

I'm sorry your kids are doing this to you. It's not right. They're adults. They should be acting like adults.

Qtpi, don't let this derail you. You left you're husband because of HIS actions, it has absolutely nothing to do with them. The problems you're having with them are separate issues and will need to be addressed separately. Getting back together with your husband wouldn't change the fact that your adult children, for whatever reason, have been less than supportive than they should be.

Please don't confuse the two issues. Going back won't solve anything. You're doing so well. You're children may like to think it would make things better, but they weren't in the marriage, They don't get a vote.

The next time you start getting confused please try and remember that. You were in it alone, and alone you had to make the decision to leave. Your children, God bless them, were not in the trenches with you, and therefore can not understand the full importance of the decision that you made. It was the right decision. So, surround yourself with supportive people that are going to help you move forward.

dandylion

qtpi....I can only imagine how heartbroken you must feel. I feel pain, just reading about it.
That was really cruel...and I imagine that he has not a clue in this world how much he caused you to hurt. I'll bet if you could see the picture in his mind...his reality doesn't even resemble your reality.
A divorce can shake up everyone's world and sense of security for a while and it takes some time for each person to process it all.
My guess (and it is just an educated guess), is that since y ou are seen as the one who asked for the divorce...you are being "blamed" for shaking up their sense of security. They are thinking about themselves, right now...and your happiness--or not--is really not their primary focus. I seriously doubt that they are even able to think that far!
Like--it is the image of the "intact" family is what their angst is about.
Aside from that, even...the dynamics are very complex, I am sure of that much....

I really, really, suggest that you consider enlist a family therapist...for yourself. Such a person could help you to understand what is going on better than anyone else.
OOPs!...just as I am typing this, I seem to remember that you have a counselor that suggested that you reach out to the children......?
so, if I am confusing you...just disregard anything I am saying!

Another thought I am having, on your behalf, is that Adult Children of Alcoholics might be able to help you with what is going on with the kids...and how they are treating you. I don't know if you have any alcoholism in your parents or grandparents (to qualify you)..

My main concern is for you---you have suffered abuse, and now, rejection of the worst kind for a mother.
We, here at SR, will always be here and have your back, of course. I just think that you need more help and comfort than you are getting.

It would be soo wrong for you to become a martyr...just to satisfy the desires of other adults. You have hurt enough years to continue to hurt some more! It would not heal anything.
You are entitled to your happiness as much as anyone else.
The other three..the two kids and your husband...while they may not like what has taken place...they have to work it out for themselves. Yes, each person is important...But, they are not MORE important than you!!!!!

I think I have been rattling, a bit....but I submit this as food for your thoughts and consideration.

My heart truly goes out to you...

Berrybean

Sounds like they have learned from their father some pretty horrible (alcoholi style dysfunctional) ways to punish people when they don't do what they want.

Mother Teresa's*Anyway*Poem...

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self centered;
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;
Build anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;
Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and your God;
It was never between you and them anyway.

LexieCat

That has to be tough when your son works at the same place you do.

Given that your paths apparently will inevitably cross, I think I'd do my best to smile and nod or say hello when you encounter each other. Passing him without speaking, and then sending a text to say you did it intentionally and why, comes off as a bit passive-aggressive, even if you didn't mean it that way. Keeping your distance and giving him space doesn't mean you have to pretend he doesn't exist. Just assume, for right now, that he won't reciprocate. That may change in the future.

Incidentally, I don't consider a simple acknowledgement to be "reaching out"--it's simply leaving the door open.

As long as you work in the same place, I'd try very hard to work on not letting his behavior get under your skin.

Hugs,

dandylion

OH, Berrybean....those last two lines of your post to qtpi.....so, so, so powerful.
I had read them a few years ago...and brought me so much clarity for seemingly "impossible" situations of conflict.
But, I forgot about them....
Thank you very much for posting them!!

qtpi

I am really sad today. All your words are helping me feel less alone. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other. My daughter lives far away and I didn't see either of the kids more than once a week or even every two weeks. Like I said it's not like our lives were tied up in theirs. But I am thinking I am just going to have to let them go for awhile and not reach out. NOt sure if that is the right way. When I saw my son last night, I guess I was mortified- all those thoughts going through my head. About 6 weeks ago, I had seen him at work and said hello and he told my daughter about it- that I deliberately stopped by and that was f***ed up in his words. I said I had to go to his area as part of my job and she said to me that's not true- but it was true. I can't ask a coworker to go to his area if I need something- just in case he is working the same time. That's ridiculous. This whole thing s***s and I hate that word! I get different ideas from different people- my counselor says reach out every now and then. A friend says send a friendly text once a week- and on this forum the consensus seems to be - let them go- give them a wide berth. I compare it to years ago before I left AH, I would ask Alanon people- should I leave him? I don't know what to do. I don't know the right way or the wrong way. And I am fighting the guilt that I raised two successful, independent but self-centered, unkind, immature brats. I am really angry at them obviously. Maybe if I "ignore" them and not reach out, I will be able to work out my own feelings of anger, abandonment, sorrow and guilt, so the next time I see him, I can say, " Hello, B****," and smile and say, "Here to get a *****," and turn around and leave.

LexieCat

I'd just be absolutely neutral. Don't go out of your way to avoid them (though I'd end any conversations if they start being accusatory--don't defend or explain, just say, in as pleasant a tone as you can muster, "I'll talk to you when you're feeling better.")

If you have to go to his work area, go. If he sees you, say, "Hi," and that's it. Don't give a whole explanation why you are there. It isn't necessary and it puts you in the position of having to justify existing and working. Good lord. If he says, "Hi," in return, smile and don't take it as an invitation for a conversation. IOW, let them take the lead. All you're doing is keeping the door open, remember?

SeriousKarma

Qtpi, are you and your counselor working on any techniques to help with the stress and frustration that you're dealing with? Specifically as it relates to your children?

I did a quick google search and saw a few sites dealing with how to reduce resentment, anger, frustration, etc... I wonder if you wouldn't benefit from some sort of practiced, planned out way of dealing with this. It's not as though this situation is going to resolve itself overnight.

dandylion

qtpi....as far as I can tell...if you are a parent...then you have "guilt".....lol...
Even those perfect looking Norman Rockwell parents.

All siblings get together behind their mother's (parents) backs and say unflattering things, sometimes..even when they l ove their parent, deep down.

I would say that the majority of the population have the capacity to be self absorbed and insensitive in their twentieth decade....yes, even the successful, independent, shiny ones....Human mammals have a verrrry long maturing process....

In other news....if you take a group of people and throw out a question out to them...especially a large group of strangers...you are going to get a spectrum of answers spanning from A to Z.
Your task will, then, be to examine the various "answers" and make your own decisions...taking what works and leaving the rest.....
It is o.k. to ask the questions...but it is impossible to live a life by concensus.....

Continue to place your happiness and peace of mind as your most important priority, now. At least, I hope you know that that is the "next right thing to do"....

I think that time...time...time...is your best friend, at this juncture....

Jaeger

I wanted to add something else. A characteristic of ACOA's is a deep need for security. I'm sure this has shaken them in that sense. This DOES NOT excuse their behavior but it may be the reason for it.

dandylion

Jaeger...I think you are right on the money about this!!!!!

do you think that if qtpi went to ACOA that it would help her to, al least, understand the kids perspective on the situation?
do you think she would qualify for the group?
I have observed so much value in ACOA , for those who attend...but, I am not a member, myself......

Jaeger

I'm also not a member so I'm not sure.

dandylion

Jaeger....I think that DesertEyes has been...perhaps, he will be along and offer some advice or experience on this.......

DesertEyes

Hello qtpi, and pleased to "meet" you

.. and by the way, I just _love_ your online nickname

Please excuse the little bit of "hi-jacking" involving ACoA. My comments are not addresing your questions in this thread, I am just posting some links so peeps who have an interest can go take a look.

We have a forum specifically for Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) over here:

Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

In the stickies we have links to the world service office of ACoA where you can find directores to real-life meetings, online meetings, telephone meetings, etc. The only requirement for membership, per the world service website;

"Adult Children of Alcoholics is a recovery program for adults whose lives were affected as a result of being raised in an alcoholic or other dysfunctional family."

Adult Children of Alcoholics

I now return this thread back to qtpi and her original questions.

Mike
Moderator, SR

LexieCat

I'd assume they, like most 12-Step groups also have "open" as well as "closed" meetings? {Open meetings being open to anyone; closed meetings being only those who qualify for membership.]

qtpi

Well.... I went to the ACOA website and it made me feel more depressed than ever. I went to my pool today- saw some nice people and I am hanging on my porch with my dogs before I go into work- and that makes me feel better. If neither adult child wants to have a relationship with me now, I guess I will just wait for time to pass and if it changes, great- if not, I can say I tried. I have to deal with these difficult feelings one way or the other, but I will make it through. I like to journal and that helps. But I am thinking for today I am just going to give up this particular struggle and smell the roses. There is just too much good in the world to not enjoy it. My life is full with good work, friends, music, flowers, love and support.

DesertEyes

Goodness ! That was _not_ my intent. I am truly sorry it made you feel worse.

My experience has been that a lot of "adult childs" do work things out with their _healthy_ parents, as well as the dysfunctional parents if they turn their life around.

The catch is that you are _not_ going to find those reconciled families on the internet. They are living their life without need for support groups and web forums and what not. Like you mention in your post, they are enjoying the good that is in the world.

Mike

DesertEyes

Yes, in that regard they are very much like al-anon.

Mike