NYCDoglvr

Please don't feel embarrassed. For me it was two steps forward, one step back. Recovery is a process.

Gemlitigate

We had plans to go away this weekend to a beautiful ski cabin. And here I am, alone, filled with sadness and regret.

Lilro

Good Morning Gem,
May I ask? What is your regret?
You have done nothing wrong.
If your regret is that things didn't turn out the way you had hoped they would, well, that's on him. You gave him more than one chance to "get things straight" in the relationship. How many times are you willing to do what is NOT best best you before enough is enough?
It's sad, this is true. So many hopes and dreams, I know. Unfortunately the reality is that HE needs his space because HE wants to continue to drink in peace without any noise from YOU. Sad but true.
Do something good for yourself this weekend. Spa day maybe? Whatever makes you happy. Before you know it Monday will be here...
Xo Ro

Liveitwell

Shift of perspective-you are Free!!! Free to do whatever you'd like this weekend-free of his lies!!! (I know how hard this is to think this way but it truly changed my life when I saw what truly was instead of what I was hoping to be). Hugs friend.

LexieCat

Don't take this as a criticism, but I get the feeling you were pretty attached to what this guy represented to you. You've mentioned SEVERAL times that he's a prominent local political figure. You had plans to go to a ski cabin. Yet he lied to you, treated you casually, but you're broken-hearted. Is it HIM you're mourning? Or the loss of the "perks" that went with a relationship with someone in his position?

Like I said, not a criticism or put-down. Every breakup involves the loss of some kind of dream, but it can help if you sort out the difference between the dream and the PERSON who is all too real.

BDG4488

I agree with Lexie because I can relate to that myself. In hindsight, I was more attached to the *idea* of the relationship than I was to the actual person. Yes, obviously I was in love with her, but I was also in love with the bi-national relationship and the excitement of all of it.

Once I realized that, I was able to move on. It took a long time for me to grieve the relationship, but the further from it I got, the more objectively I could view it. The reality of that relationship was not good, to say the least.

And I look at it this way: the vacation time I spent going to see her is now spent going wherever I want - by myself or with friends - for how long I want. It's very freeing.

Gemlitigate

Lexie, BDG thank you, definitely something to think about. I actually only mention him being a local politician so much to stress how difficult it is to go complete no contact. I want nothing more to be able to block out his face and his name from my life, but it makes it pretty difficult to do in this situation. In terms of the other "stuff" that goes with the position, it's actually my perks and my stuff. I included him because I genuinely loved his company and loved being with him. Some of our greatest times have been spending the whole afternoon watching friends repeats, or painting my sons room football colors as a surprise for his tournament or many things that were daily mundane activities. None of the other perks or stuff mattered unless he was there with me.
But alas, life isn't so simple. People make choices. And we all have to live with them.
Thanks for listening.

Dropsie

Here is the thing.

He may change or not, that is on him.

But he has not changed yet, that is clear.

You gave him a chance, he blew it.

Everyone deserves a chance, don't feel bad.

But now, its time to move on.

Same way he can't have a sip, you can't either. You can't see him, hear him, read him, nothing.

Nothing. You can't have just two drinks, i.e., checking out his campaign ad, nothing.

It will get easier.

You got this.

Hawkeye13

It will get easier
I wouldn't feel bad for giving him the chance
but he blew it, and that's the bottom line.

Enjoy the beauty around you today and know you tried.

Praying

Just gotta say that if embarrassment kept us from posting...sure wouldn't be much of a community here.

We learn, we try, we step forward and back, we grow, we try again...and we're deeply compassionate HUMANS. Don't fault yourself for that.

Liveitwell

^ agreed. Some, myself included, kept going back for more for YEARS thinking it would get better, but it always got worse. You have a chance at real freedom-and he does too, if he chooses that. Hugs, Gem!!

LexieCat

OK, so that's not an issue for you. Still, the reality is that he didn't treat you well, and he's an active alcoholic who isn't ready to stop drinking. Things would have become steadily worse and the pain you're feeling right now, as real as it is, doesn't hold a candle to the pain you would be experiencing on an ongoing basis if you had remained in the relationship.

Breakups always hurt. But it's temporary. You WILL feel better again.

As for seeing his face/hearing his name, that will lose its impact, too. Look, I'm a recovered alcoholic. Alcohol is EVERYWHERE. If I had a meltdown any time I encountered it (in restaurants, on billboards, online, in the media) or tried to hide from it, I'd be pretty miserable. Alcohol has become IRRELEVANT to my life. And that's where you will get to be, eventually, too. You'll see his face or hear his name and it will be "so what".

It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen. On your other thread you were talking about dealing with the thoughts that happen. My own suggestion is to acknowledge they are there, but not invite them to come in, sit down, and make themselves at home. Let them pass through your mind, with a polite nod suggesting that they move along.