I'm So Embarrased To Be Posting Again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
I'm So Embarrased To Be Posting Again
I can't believe I am back at square one.
Back in September, after a 2 year relationship, I left my ABF. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was devastated and miserable and every other emotion. Three months later, he showed up at my work and said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days. I took him back. First slowly, having coffee, watching movies, and then right back into a full fledged relationship.
It's been exactly 2 months since we got back together and I am right back to where I started. I let my guard down, he got comfortable I guess, and he is drinking again (not every day and not to excess.) But this is where it starts right? I brought it up to him last night and he told me I was attacking him out of the blue and that he's made a very strong and conscious effort to only drink 2 drinks per night and it still isn't good enough for me. That I need to just give him space and leave him alone.
Once again, I am devastated. I really thought he wanted to make an effort to change. I'm having a really, really hard time. I feel so stupid, used, senseless and defeated. I even waited until this past weekend to tell my sons we were back together, thinking that 2 months was a good waiting period. They were so happy. Now I have to disappoint them again.
Looking for any and all support.
Thank you.
Back in September, after a 2 year relationship, I left my ABF. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was devastated and miserable and every other emotion. Three months later, he showed up at my work and said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days. I took him back. First slowly, having coffee, watching movies, and then right back into a full fledged relationship.
It's been exactly 2 months since we got back together and I am right back to where I started. I let my guard down, he got comfortable I guess, and he is drinking again (not every day and not to excess.) But this is where it starts right? I brought it up to him last night and he told me I was attacking him out of the blue and that he's made a very strong and conscious effort to only drink 2 drinks per night and it still isn't good enough for me. That I need to just give him space and leave him alone.
Once again, I am devastated. I really thought he wanted to make an effort to change. I'm having a really, really hard time. I feel so stupid, used, senseless and defeated. I even waited until this past weekend to tell my sons we were back together, thinking that 2 months was a good waiting period. They were so happy. Now I have to disappoint them again.
Looking for any and all support.
Thank you.
Last edited by Gemlitigate; 02-02-2016 at 09:10 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Alcoholics are cons... they will do whatever it takes to protect their desire to drink...
I don't doubt that your BF cares about you-- but he wants to have his ability to drink, minimize it and make you question your sanity AND have you around.
You don't deserve this.
The statements he's making to you, while textbook alcoholic crazy talk are ALSO abusive and making you feel crummy.
You don't deserve this, you aren't over reacting, you aren't causing this...
You get to choose what you want in your life. If it's him, you know now that this is who he is. He's made it clear.
If it's not him and his baggage you have a right to end it.
And perhaps it would not be so painful this time since you are now 100% clear after having done this twice, that he in fact DOES have a problem...
With my xAH I had to try and make it work several times before I saw clearly that it wasn't going to work.
I felt embarassed about that too-- but I should not have and you do not need to either.
I don't doubt that your BF cares about you-- but he wants to have his ability to drink, minimize it and make you question your sanity AND have you around.
You don't deserve this.
The statements he's making to you, while textbook alcoholic crazy talk are ALSO abusive and making you feel crummy.
You don't deserve this, you aren't over reacting, you aren't causing this...
You get to choose what you want in your life. If it's him, you know now that this is who he is. He's made it clear.
If it's not him and his baggage you have a right to end it.
And perhaps it would not be so painful this time since you are now 100% clear after having done this twice, that he in fact DOES have a problem...
With my xAH I had to try and make it work several times before I saw clearly that it wasn't going to work.
I felt embarassed about that too-- but I should not have and you do not need to either.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It's every alcoholic's dream to one day be able to moderate, to be a "normal" drinker again.
Many folks right here on this forum have learned that hard way that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Search "moderation" on the Alcoholism/Newcomers to Recovery forums and you'll see.
The thing to do now is resist shaming yourself for the choices you made. Shame never made anything better, and it never made anyone healthier or happier. No one here is going to judge you -- trust me, we've all been there and then some. So be nice to you and work towards acceptance -- for what happened, for who he is, and for yourself.
Many folks right here on this forum have learned that hard way that you can't turn a pickle back into a cucumber. Search "moderation" on the Alcoholism/Newcomers to Recovery forums and you'll see.
The thing to do now is resist shaming yourself for the choices you made. Shame never made anything better, and it never made anyone healthier or happier. No one here is going to judge you -- trust me, we've all been there and then some. So be nice to you and work towards acceptance -- for what happened, for who he is, and for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
My friend, at least half the people here have stories just like this. Others of us who left and stayed gone just did our "waffling" while we were still in the relationship. We have all been filled with shame and embarrassment and regret. We have all been blamed, and lied to, and hooked by promises that never came to be. Please, please be gentle with yourself.
He is going to say whatever he wants to say. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. In my opinion and in my experience, the more you can keep your focus on yourself and your boys, the better you will feel. Perhaps think long and hard on how to best protect yourself and your sons from more heartache, emotional abuse, and lies. That might mean going 100% no contact, including blocking him on social media, changing your phone number, changing your email address, etc.
He is going to say whatever he wants to say. He is going to do whatever he wants to do. In my opinion and in my experience, the more you can keep your focus on yourself and your boys, the better you will feel. Perhaps think long and hard on how to best protect yourself and your sons from more heartache, emotional abuse, and lies. That might mean going 100% no contact, including blocking him on social media, changing your phone number, changing your email address, etc.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 73
I just want to thank you for your post, it is so helpful to me today. AH has been gone for 3 months, and now that the anger and disgust has started to dissipate, now I'm into the loneliness, and missing him. Funny how the awful things start to fade to black and the mind is left with all the memories of the good times.
I came here to post for support in the strength to stick to my guns, and not let him back in, when I came across your post. We hope against hope that "things will be different this time" you aren't the first one, and god knows you won't be the last. But your post and the responses that have posted that the addicts are master manipulators, doing just enough to get their foot back in the door, and then wham, right back to where we were desperate to get out of before.
Don't beat yourself up, as you can see we have all been there at one point in our relationships with our addicts.
Human nature is to trust people, to hope for the best. Take this as one more lesson in your journey that perhaps, all signs time and time again are pointing you to another path, a path free of this person that you can't trust.
And today I'm going to learn from your life lesson, and today I will be strong because of you and your experience...thank you.
I came here to post for support in the strength to stick to my guns, and not let him back in, when I came across your post. We hope against hope that "things will be different this time" you aren't the first one, and god knows you won't be the last. But your post and the responses that have posted that the addicts are master manipulators, doing just enough to get their foot back in the door, and then wham, right back to where we were desperate to get out of before.
Don't beat yourself up, as you can see we have all been there at one point in our relationships with our addicts.
Human nature is to trust people, to hope for the best. Take this as one more lesson in your journey that perhaps, all signs time and time again are pointing you to another path, a path free of this person that you can't trust.
And today I'm going to learn from your life lesson, and today I will be strong because of you and your experience...thank you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
After the most painful relationship of my life I realized I had to change or I would keep picking the same person over and over. Alanon saved my sanity by helping me get a grip on denial and rationalization. The fourth and fifth steps brought the focus on my own fear and low self-esteem which led to bad choices.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by Gemlitigate 
I can't believe I am back at square one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
I did somewhat the same thing. XABF seemed like he wanted to do it, got some resources in place, then bam - off the wagon after 50 some days with no glimmer of wanting to be back on it.
Bummer, but my boundaries and health still stand - I will not have an active alcoholic, or any other toxic personality in close proximity to my life. He may not have had enough yet, but I have. Block, delete, buh-bye. Nothing to be embarrassed about, we can accept what is, and do what's best for our lives. That is our choice - every single day. (((HUGS))) to you.
Bummer, but my boundaries and health still stand - I will not have an active alcoholic, or any other toxic personality in close proximity to my life. He may not have had enough yet, but I have. Block, delete, buh-bye. Nothing to be embarrassed about, we can accept what is, and do what's best for our lives. That is our choice - every single day. (((HUGS))) to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now I have to disappoint them again.
No, it’s not easy ending a relationship and yes we feel embarrassed when we take them back and face the facts that nothing at all has changed except just enough and some words that got us there.
But that’s the amazing thing about life, we can change our minds we can make healthier choices.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Rochester, NY
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by Gemlitigate
I can't believe I am back at square one.
Back in September, after a 2 year relationship, I left my ABF. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was devastated and miserable and every other emotion. Three months later, he showed up at my work and said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days. I took him back. First slowly, having coffee, watching movies, and then right back into a full fledged relationship.
It's been exactly 2 months since we got back together and I am right back to where I started. I let my guard down, he got comfortable I guess, and he is drinking again (not every day and not to excess.) But this is where it starts right? I brought it up to him last night and he told me I was attacking him out of the blue and that he's made a very strong and conscious effort to only drink 2 drinks per night and it still isn't good enough for me. That I need to just give him space and leave him alone.
Once again, I am devastated. I really thought he wanted to make an effort to change. I'm having a really, really hard time. I feel so stupid, used, senseless and defeated. I even waited until this past weekend to tell my sons we were back together, thinking that 2 months was a good waiting period. They were so happy. Now I have to disappoint them again.
Looking for any and all support.
Thank you.
Back in September, after a 2 year relationship, I left my ABF. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I was devastated and miserable and every other emotion. Three months later, he showed up at my work and said he's been miserable without me, etc etc and this distance caused him to reevaluate his life and his choices. He has started therapy, he is on medication, and he hasn't had a thing to drink in 62 days. I took him back. First slowly, having coffee, watching movies, and then right back into a full fledged relationship.
It's been exactly 2 months since we got back together and I am right back to where I started. I let my guard down, he got comfortable I guess, and he is drinking again (not every day and not to excess.) But this is where it starts right? I brought it up to him last night and he told me I was attacking him out of the blue and that he's made a very strong and conscious effort to only drink 2 drinks per night and it still isn't good enough for me. That I need to just give him space and leave him alone.
Once again, I am devastated. I really thought he wanted to make an effort to change. I'm having a really, really hard time. I feel so stupid, used, senseless and defeated. I even waited until this past weekend to tell my sons we were back together, thinking that 2 months was a good waiting period. They were so happy. Now I have to disappoint them again.
Looking for any and all support.
Thank you.
If he is in what I call, "a relationship with alcohol," meaning he is drinking in any way, the side effects of alcoholism: inability to regulate emotion, mood swings, broken thinking, loss of judgment, are going to, if they are not in some unknown way already, be a problem.
Tell him I said sorry but he's full of shiz.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just echoing what everyone else has said. I've been on both sides of this thing, and it's difficult for both people. Your b/f, more than likely, didn't set out to con you--he was probably very sincere when he told you his intentions. Unfortunately, having the best intentions in the world don't keep you sober, nor does it keep you from turning back into someone who selfishly protects his/her drinking at all costs.
So consider it one of those unpleasant learning experiences. It's very disappointing when we get our hopes up only to have them dashed again. But don't be embarrassed or ashamed--we've all been there. We WANT very much to believe, and some people DO get better. He may, someday, but it sounds like he's not there yet. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Hugs,
So consider it one of those unpleasant learning experiences. It's very disappointing when we get our hopes up only to have them dashed again. But don't be embarrassed or ashamed--we've all been there. We WANT very much to believe, and some people DO get better. He may, someday, but it sounds like he's not there yet. You need to do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Hugs,
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
You already know this, but if he has to make "a very strong and conscious effort to only drink 2 drinks per night", it's not going to last. People who aren't alcoholics don't need to make an effort to restrict their drinking, it just happens naturally.
He probably thinks he's doing great, unfortunately, and from his perspective you're nagging him about something that is a non-issue. We all know how that goes :-(
But don't feel embarrassed to be here again, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are an optimistic person, and wanted to believe it would all work out, which is just human nature.
He probably thinks he's doing great, unfortunately, and from his perspective you're nagging him about something that is a non-issue. We all know how that goes :-(
But don't feel embarrassed to be here again, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. You are an optimistic person, and wanted to believe it would all work out, which is just human nature.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
Gave my Ah about 9 years of chances and took him back over and over.. have 2 sons also. My Ah never changed - he would cut back but then it would always progress. Wishing you peace and strength to do what's best for you and your sons.
torquemax777
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Montrose CO
Posts: 350
I just thought of a great analogy; if we were in a relationship where our partner struggled with infidelity, we wouldn't be OK if they "only kissed another women" it wouldn't even be acceptable to "only talk on the phone" with another woman. Why should we accept them "only having a couple beers"?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Oh man, sorry to hear. Please don't beat yourself up. Most of us have been there. I took a guy back one time that I found was joined on sex websites (and had been for YEARS which I also knew), and that was just the tip of it.
Recovery takes a long time. 2 month is not much in the way of someone changing - I suspect he never stopped drinking, but it doesn't matter. As someone else pointed out the goal of the Alcoholic is to maintain the booze while also enjoying everything else. You make mention of his drinking and he tells you to hit the road. Alcohol is #1 with him.. I doubt this is the last time you will hear from him. The alcoholic mind is always trying to "figure it out".........
Sorry for your pain!
Recovery takes a long time. 2 month is not much in the way of someone changing - I suspect he never stopped drinking, but it doesn't matter. As someone else pointed out the goal of the Alcoholic is to maintain the booze while also enjoying everything else. You make mention of his drinking and he tells you to hit the road. Alcohol is #1 with him.. I doubt this is the last time you will hear from him. The alcoholic mind is always trying to "figure it out".........
Sorry for your pain!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Gem-no judgment here, lady. I think most of is spent YEARS giving chances-it's not like we got to where we are bc of one event....we all understand. This is just what alcoholics do-simple as that. And as yucky as that is to accept, it is what it is. Hugs, friend.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Oh Gem! I could have written your post myself!!
You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about! We have all been there. We want to believe that we are enough but in reality we are not.
In the words of my therapist... " you were in love with a very sick man "
Please believe that you did nothing wrong but to love.
So, now you know. It's up to YOU and YOU ONLY to decide how you want to move forward from here.
My advice and what has worked for me for the past 3 months is to block him, on everything. It's hard to gain clarity when we keep hearing noise from the peanut gallery. You need time to step away and breathe a little. It all becomes so much clearer.
You have done nothing wrong! Keep coming back, we are here for you!
Big Hug
Ro
You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about! We have all been there. We want to believe that we are enough but in reality we are not.
In the words of my therapist... " you were in love with a very sick man "
Please believe that you did nothing wrong but to love.
So, now you know. It's up to YOU and YOU ONLY to decide how you want to move forward from here.
My advice and what has worked for me for the past 3 months is to block him, on everything. It's hard to gain clarity when we keep hearing noise from the peanut gallery. You need time to step away and breathe a little. It all becomes so much clearer.
You have done nothing wrong! Keep coming back, we are here for you!
Big Hug
Ro
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 38
I have deleted him from all social media. I blocked him from my phone and email. I changed my garage code. Unfortunately, he is a local politician so I will still have to hear his name and see his face just in general life here. I have made a commitment to be done for good.
But knowing I'm doing the right thing just doesn't make it any easier. I'm so devastated. I can't stop crying, I can't stop obsessing. My heart and my soul are broken.
But knowing I'm doing the right thing just doesn't make it any easier. I'm so devastated. I can't stop crying, I can't stop obsessing. My heart and my soul are broken.
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