Every time
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 588
Every time
every time I come to this site I find the peace of knowing someone out there gets me and what I'm going through. Makes me feel almost normal. 
I just talked to my friend and found out the xabf's parents are back in NY. I was about to send a text asking them to come get his stuff, but realized it would not come out so nicely. Hostile would be an understatement, but that is not who I'm trying to be. I've been in bed for 3 days now with a fever and I'm cranky in general. This just pushed it into furious. So, I will stop and breathe and remember all of the wisdom, insight and love on this site. I will be calm, reasoned and well thought out before I contact them. I will take my considerable amount of emotion out of it and approach it as a business issue. I will be better than I could have imagined!
I just talked to my friend and found out the xabf's parents are back in NY. I was about to send a text asking them to come get his stuff, but realized it would not come out so nicely. Hostile would be an understatement, but that is not who I'm trying to be. I've been in bed for 3 days now with a fever and I'm cranky in general. This just pushed it into furious. So, I will stop and breathe and remember all of the wisdom, insight and love on this site. I will be calm, reasoned and well thought out before I contact them. I will take my considerable amount of emotion out of it and approach it as a business issue. I will be better than I could have imagined!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Rapid City, MI
Posts: 214
Yes, take a breather, find the off ramp to the high road, and make quick plans to have them pick up his stuff. No further conversation needed. I would make a deadline for his items to be gone - one way or the other.
Seriously, my XAH's parents left me hanging for 3 months with his crap in my garage - where my tenant was supposed to park - before I said, "You have 1 week, then I call the trash hauler, and I'm sending you the bill." Stuff was gone in 3 days.
Seriously, my XAH's parents left me hanging for 3 months with his crap in my garage - where my tenant was supposed to park - before I said, "You have 1 week, then I call the trash hauler, and I'm sending you the bill." Stuff was gone in 3 days.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Nice one Ali!!!! I may take that approach. They are Olympic class enablers who bought him no less than 3 new vehicles after he totaled them. For some, money is a curse. They were so sweet to me When I was with their son I could have drowned in syrup. As soon as he ditched me, I didn't exist. The mom actually took my Christmas presents back to the store. There's a saying " when people show you who they are, believe them". This is who they are and have been way before I came on the scene. Nothing I say or do is going to change that.
They are (as we know) as sick as their sons. After I get better, I will send a text. Short and to the point. I usually start with a jolly "hi, how are you? Miss you guys" But I don't care how they are. I don't care how my x is. I don't miss any of them. And obviously from the lack of communication, they don't care to tell me how they are or miss me. In fact, I'm disgusted. So, the sooner I can get this behind me the better.
They are (as we know) as sick as their sons. After I get better, I will send a text. Short and to the point. I usually start with a jolly "hi, how are you? Miss you guys" But I don't care how they are. I don't care how my x is. I don't miss any of them. And obviously from the lack of communication, they don't care to tell me how they are or miss me. In fact, I'm disgusted. So, the sooner I can get this behind me the better.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Ducky....it would be nice, for you, if they would relieve you of the stuff.
In reality....it is not their responsibility....it is HIS responsibility to get it or arrange for someone else to get it.
He is waiting for someone else to do it.
I know one woman who has her ex-boyfriend's stuff in her garage. She feels bad because most of it is precious collections from his grandmother! He feels like his kids might, rightfully, want it someday..when they are older.
At this point, she doesn't even know here he is. Can't even contact him.
Expecting his parents to get it is like one enabler (you)....asking other people to further enable him.
(I say this not to **** you off---just to give you another way of looking at the situation).
dandylion
In reality....it is not their responsibility....it is HIS responsibility to get it or arrange for someone else to get it.
He is waiting for someone else to do it.
I know one woman who has her ex-boyfriend's stuff in her garage. She feels bad because most of it is precious collections from his grandmother! He feels like his kids might, rightfully, want it someday..when they are older.
At this point, she doesn't even know here he is. Can't even contact him.
Expecting his parents to get it is like one enabler (you)....asking other people to further enable him.
(I say this not to **** you off---just to give you another way of looking at the situation).
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it is HIS stuff, responsibility. If he doesn't care, why take on the responsibility of keeping it. i would send a message saying it will be outside on such day at this time, if it is not removed it goes to trash.
Mr. Fandy has been gone almost 4 years...3 months ago, he sent me an email asking if I had his Moet silver champagne bucket...I answered 3 days later, "yes, it is holding the lysol wipes on the porch, thanks"
Mr. Fandy has been gone almost 4 years...3 months ago, he sent me an email asking if I had his Moet silver champagne bucket...I answered 3 days later, "yes, it is holding the lysol wipes on the porch, thanks"
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I totally agree with dandylion, this is HIS stuff HIS responsibility, not his parents or you to make the arrangements.
After all he left it behind, can’t be all that important to him, right? Because if it was it wouldn’t still be at your home.
After all he left it behind, can’t be all that important to him, right? Because if it was it wouldn’t still be at your home.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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You're all very right. I want him to take care of it, not his parents, but he's mandated rehab and will be in for another 8 months. I don't call there anymore and he doesn't contact me at all. I think I'm being stubborn and prideful, but there is a part of me that feels like if I call him it looks like I'm chasing after him. Mind you, if he needed something he wouldn't hesitate to text the hell out of me until I answered. There are days when I hate this man and his family. I have coped at times by pretending that he's dead. How sick is that.
Anyhoo, I'm going to have to suck it up and call. I'm not a self storage facility. Sigh. I honest to goodness wish I'd never met this man. A man I was willing to share the rest of my life with. It's so sad
Anyhoo, I'm going to have to suck it up and call. I'm not a self storage facility. Sigh. I honest to goodness wish I'd never met this man. A man I was willing to share the rest of my life with. It's so sad
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If he screws up in rehab and gets kicked out he goes to jail for a year minimum. I've often wished that too since he seemed to be having a bit too much fun in rehab. Never that thought I'd be the type to wish someone to lose their freedom.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 113
I had to do the same things as many others with an XBF (he had so many issues that putting an "A" in the description wouldn't even begin to cover it). I had moved a ton of his crap with me across country and was living in a tiny apartment. He kept playing passive aggressive and wouldn't come get his things. So I shredded all of his pictures and letters from ex girlfriends (who I found out from reading the letters he had also stolen money from and jerked around) with his own shredder. Then I put everything outside on the sidewalk by my door and gave him a 24 hour window before Salvation Army was going to come pick it up. Miraculously he appeared and took his crap. If you didn't agree to hang on to the stuff for him, you could just let his parents know as a courtesy that you have some things they may want before it gets donated.
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Donated might work. I did agree to hold his stuff until he got out. Mind you, we were a couple at that time. I got kicked to the curb 3 months into his Disney rehab. And when I tell you all contact from him and his family stopped, I mean it hit a wall. Oh, I did get a text a few weeks back asking for me to send a copy of his resume. The one that I wrote because he hadn't had one in four years. So I did send that. Shouldn't have, but did.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 113
Originally Posted by Duckygirl1 
Donated might work. I did agree to hold his stuff until he got out. Mind you, we were a couple at that time. I got kicked to the curb 3 months into his Disney rehab. And when I tell you all contact from him and his family stopped, I mean it hit a wall. Oh, I did get a text a few weeks back asking for me to send a copy of his resume. The one that I wrote because he hadn't had one in four years. So I did send that. Shouldn't have, but did.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So “the stuff” has become the bridge that still connects the two of you.
He texted you about a resume but not his suits………hummmm the suits can’t be all that important to him for him job hunting.
What would judge Judy do – well she would probably tell you to write him a letter and send it certified mail requesting that he make arrangements by___________(pick a date) to come and pick up his stuff otherwise you are going to dispose of it.
Follow the certified letter up with a text or email stating you sent him a certified letter regarding “the stuff” he left behind. Keep the text message along with the email. If somewhere down the road he chooses to come after you for “the stuff” or monetary value of it (take lots of pictures of it all) you will have proof you gave him a fair chance to come and retrieve it prior to you donating/destroying/getting rid of it.
He texted you about a resume but not his suits………hummmm the suits can’t be all that important to him for him job hunting.
What would judge Judy do – well she would probably tell you to write him a letter and send it certified mail requesting that he make arrangements by___________(pick a date) to come and pick up his stuff otherwise you are going to dispose of it.
Follow the certified letter up with a text or email stating you sent him a certified letter regarding “the stuff” he left behind. Keep the text message along with the email. If somewhere down the road he chooses to come after you for “the stuff” or monetary value of it (take lots of pictures of it all) you will have proof you gave him a fair chance to come and retrieve it prior to you donating/destroying/getting rid of it.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This....
Originally Posted by atalose
So “the stuff” has become the bridge that still connects the two of you.
He texted you about a resume but not his suits………hummmm the suits can’t be all that important to him for him job hunting.
What would judge Judy do – well she would probably tell you to write him a letter and send it certified mail requesting that he make arrangements by___________(pick a date) to come and pick up his stuff otherwise you are going to dispose of it.
Follow the certified letter up with a text or email stating you sent him a certified letter regarding “the stuff” he left behind. Keep the text message along with the email. If somewhere down the road he chooses to come after you for “the stuff” or monetary value of it (take lots of pictures of it all) you will have proof you gave him a fair chance to come and retrieve it prior to you donating/destroying/getting rid of it.
He texted you about a resume but not his suits………hummmm the suits can’t be all that important to him for him job hunting.
What would judge Judy do – well she would probably tell you to write him a letter and send it certified mail requesting that he make arrangements by___________(pick a date) to come and pick up his stuff otherwise you are going to dispose of it.
Follow the certified letter up with a text or email stating you sent him a certified letter regarding “the stuff” he left behind. Keep the text message along with the email. If somewhere down the road he chooses to come after you for “the stuff” or monetary value of it (take lots of pictures of it all) you will have proof you gave him a fair chance to come and retrieve it prior to you donating/destroying/getting rid of it.
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