Would like to hear your thoughts and advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
Would like to hear your thoughts and advice
Hello all..........first time poster here. Looking to hear back from others about my situation because I'm confused, angry and a bit lost in this whole mess.
I've been in a relationship now for almost 6 years with a woman who has a drinking problem. When we first got together I didn't know she had one. It really started showing up about a month and a half into the relationship. I'm not sure why I stayed so long with her after some of the things she has done.......but I did. Her problem is there is no social drinking with a beer or two or glass of wine. Its drink until you run out of alcohol or black out of pass out, whichever comes first. When she drinks she changes. The more drinks she has the more verbally abusive she gets. It gets to a point where her change is like Jekyll/Hyde and her verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. Whenever everything seems to be fine and she is sober for a time she sabotages our happiness.....creates all these things in her head.
Some examples of things she's done:
My mom died of cancer during our first year of our relationship. I'd be depressed as hell and just want to come to her house for some comfort. I would come home to her drinking with friends....everyday. A day or two before the funeral she was at her friends drinking and called and asked me to pick her up. She gets in the car and flips out on me asking whats my f-ing problem. I look at her and remind her my mom died. She rips into me telling me to quit being a little whiny p&*^y! Tells me to get over it everyone dies. Looks at me and makes crying noises. Next day doesn't remember a thing. Promises she's quitting. Another time we were with friends and she gets drunk off wine and everything was fine. As soon as we get in the car driving down the highway she flips out and tried to get out while I'm going 60mph. I had to hold her arm all the way home. Get home and she chases me all over the house for about 4 5 hours. Punching and kicking and shoving me. I had lumps and bruises all over the next day. Of course.......she doesn't remember a thing and promises to seek help and quit. There are dozens of these types of incidents. I have stood by her begging and pleading with her to get help, explaining to her over and over what it is doing to me. Her drinking is a cycle......... it starts out with minor incidents of verbal abuse that lead to her being blacked out and physical abuse. After it reaches this point is where the promises and the please forgive me it will never happen again come out. Then she sobers up for 5 to 6 months give or take a month or two. And the process starts over.
During the summer she spent two months drinking....all during the day while I am working. During this time all the abuse was verbal. Finally on 9/11 about 10pm comes home drunk attacks my son.....I came into my son's room and pull her off twice.... She looks over at me looking absolutely possessed and screams "I f-ing hate you!" and punches me about 6 times in the head her daughter calls the cops and her friend helps get her out of the house.....the entire time she is screaming at the top her lungs obscenities at me and threatening to kill me and burn down the house. So she goes to jail for 5 days, I get a restraining order on her to protect myself and the kids in case she gets out and starts drinking again. There is also a no contact order. I since dropped the restraining order now that I see she is trying to sober up. My problem is she professes her love for me and wants to stay together and according to her "I have finally seen the light"...... blah blah blah. Swears up and down that she never meant any of the stuff she has said or did that it was the alcohol. On her own she goes to anger management classes and counceling. Says through counceling she is finding out why she sabotages everything when the times are happy. Claims she finally knows what her drinking has done. I counter that I've heard all this from you time and time again..... according to her this time is different.
I'm am stuck being heartbroken over the whole thing, lost, confused, angry....pretty much just a wide array of feelings. I don't know what to do and I tell her this. Part of me wants to continue to stand by her and try to fix the mess and part of me has been through enough. She claims I am not there for her because I can't just except her apologies and say we are together. She calls and texts quite a few times everyday demanding answers and won't accept my feelings and where I am and what I think.
Thanks for listening all.........
I've been in a relationship now for almost 6 years with a woman who has a drinking problem. When we first got together I didn't know she had one. It really started showing up about a month and a half into the relationship. I'm not sure why I stayed so long with her after some of the things she has done.......but I did. Her problem is there is no social drinking with a beer or two or glass of wine. Its drink until you run out of alcohol or black out of pass out, whichever comes first. When she drinks she changes. The more drinks she has the more verbally abusive she gets. It gets to a point where her change is like Jekyll/Hyde and her verbal abuse turns to physical abuse. Whenever everything seems to be fine and she is sober for a time she sabotages our happiness.....creates all these things in her head.
Some examples of things she's done:
My mom died of cancer during our first year of our relationship. I'd be depressed as hell and just want to come to her house for some comfort. I would come home to her drinking with friends....everyday. A day or two before the funeral she was at her friends drinking and called and asked me to pick her up. She gets in the car and flips out on me asking whats my f-ing problem. I look at her and remind her my mom died. She rips into me telling me to quit being a little whiny p&*^y! Tells me to get over it everyone dies. Looks at me and makes crying noises. Next day doesn't remember a thing. Promises she's quitting. Another time we were with friends and she gets drunk off wine and everything was fine. As soon as we get in the car driving down the highway she flips out and tried to get out while I'm going 60mph. I had to hold her arm all the way home. Get home and she chases me all over the house for about 4 5 hours. Punching and kicking and shoving me. I had lumps and bruises all over the next day. Of course.......she doesn't remember a thing and promises to seek help and quit. There are dozens of these types of incidents. I have stood by her begging and pleading with her to get help, explaining to her over and over what it is doing to me. Her drinking is a cycle......... it starts out with minor incidents of verbal abuse that lead to her being blacked out and physical abuse. After it reaches this point is where the promises and the please forgive me it will never happen again come out. Then she sobers up for 5 to 6 months give or take a month or two. And the process starts over.
During the summer she spent two months drinking....all during the day while I am working. During this time all the abuse was verbal. Finally on 9/11 about 10pm comes home drunk attacks my son.....I came into my son's room and pull her off twice.... She looks over at me looking absolutely possessed and screams "I f-ing hate you!" and punches me about 6 times in the head her daughter calls the cops and her friend helps get her out of the house.....the entire time she is screaming at the top her lungs obscenities at me and threatening to kill me and burn down the house. So she goes to jail for 5 days, I get a restraining order on her to protect myself and the kids in case she gets out and starts drinking again. There is also a no contact order. I since dropped the restraining order now that I see she is trying to sober up. My problem is she professes her love for me and wants to stay together and according to her "I have finally seen the light"...... blah blah blah. Swears up and down that she never meant any of the stuff she has said or did that it was the alcohol. On her own she goes to anger management classes and counceling. Says through counceling she is finding out why she sabotages everything when the times are happy. Claims she finally knows what her drinking has done. I counter that I've heard all this from you time and time again..... according to her this time is different.
I'm am stuck being heartbroken over the whole thing, lost, confused, angry....pretty much just a wide array of feelings. I don't know what to do and I tell her this. Part of me wants to continue to stand by her and try to fix the mess and part of me has been through enough. She claims I am not there for her because I can't just except her apologies and say we are together. She calls and texts quite a few times everyday demanding answers and won't accept my feelings and where I am and what I think.
Thanks for listening all.........
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by ConfusedInOr 
My mom died of cancer during our first year of our relationship. I'd be depressed as hell and just want to come to her house for some comfort. I would come home to her drinking with friends....everyday. A day or two before the funeral she was at her friends drinking and called and asked me to pick her up. She gets in the car and flips out on me asking whats my f-ing problem. I look at her and remind her my mom died. She rips into me telling me to quit being a little whiny p&*^y! Tells me to get over it everyone dies. Looks at me and makes crying noises.
Welcome! You have come to the right place. Other people will offer great experience, strength and hope.
As for me, I couldn't get past this quote. It's astounding, the lack of empathy, compassion, and support. If you had told a total stranger about your mother dying of cancer you would have gotten more support--a lot more. ETA: actually, her behavior was cruel and abusive, IMO.
If I said that you deserve more than this in a relationship that would be an understatement. I know she was drinking, and we all here in this forum have put up with tons and tons of stuff in the name of alcoholic behavior, but it doesn't make it acceptable.
Please keep coming back, because you'll learn a lot and get the support you need.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It sounds to me like you KNOW what you want to do, which is to move on, peacefully. It sounds like you are being "guilted" into giving a second chance to someone you no longer want to be in a relationship with.
Alcohol doesn't MAKE someone behave abusively. My own suggestion would be that you find an Al-Anon group to help you get your own head straight, and also some counseling to deal with the effects of living in an abusive relationship.
You might want to tell her that you need no contact with her for a while. If she refuses to leave you alone after you've asked, then you can more than likely get another restraining order.
It isn't your job to "fix" her. Your job is to have the kind of life you'd like to have, which doesn't seem to include resuming a relationship with someone who has hurt you so badly.
Alcohol doesn't MAKE someone behave abusively. My own suggestion would be that you find an Al-Anon group to help you get your own head straight, and also some counseling to deal with the effects of living in an abusive relationship.
You might want to tell her that you need no contact with her for a while. If she refuses to leave you alone after you've asked, then you can more than likely get another restraining order.
It isn't your job to "fix" her. Your job is to have the kind of life you'd like to have, which doesn't seem to include resuming a relationship with someone who has hurt you so badly.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi there,
Alcoholism makes a mess of relationships. I think my main concern is reading your story is this: You obviously have children. And protecting children will always be prio #1. That both your son and her daughter have had to witness her outbursts is terribly disturbing to them -- even if it is their "normal." I would start with making sure they get support -- counseling, therapy, Alateen if it's available.
I spent 20 years trying to fix the mess of an alcoholic, and at the end of it, I had no feelings other than fear and hatred left. I know that the only person who can "fix" an alcoholic is the alcoholic.
What helped me was this board and Al-Anon meetings. I learned to set boundaries, I built my confidence, I slowly started believing when people said "He is an adult and he has the right to make his own choices. And you have the right to say you don't want any part of his life if he's drinking."
Is your girlfriend working with AA or a similar program? If all she's doing is not drinking, it's usually only a matter of time before she drinks again. I think in your situation, I would make a plan for how to keep myself and the children safe when that happens.
Alcoholism makes a mess of relationships. I think my main concern is reading your story is this: You obviously have children. And protecting children will always be prio #1. That both your son and her daughter have had to witness her outbursts is terribly disturbing to them -- even if it is their "normal." I would start with making sure they get support -- counseling, therapy, Alateen if it's available.
Part of me wants to continue to stand by her and try to fix the mess and part of me has been through enough.
What helped me was this board and Al-Anon meetings. I learned to set boundaries, I built my confidence, I slowly started believing when people said "He is an adult and he has the right to make his own choices. And you have the right to say you don't want any part of his life if he's drinking."
Is your girlfriend working with AA or a similar program? If all she's doing is not drinking, it's usually only a matter of time before she drinks again. I think in your situation, I would make a plan for how to keep myself and the children safe when that happens.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Wow, total flashbacks reading that. Like if my ex was reincarnated as a female, right down to the part about abusing my son.
For me that was the breaking point. By the end I was so beaten down and worn out and depressed and confused I really didn't care what happened to me. When he started turning the abuse on my son, it hardened my resolve to leave and I finally did after 5 years of escalating drinking and verbal and physical abuse.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was to blame all the abuse on his drinking, which I thought meant that if he just sobered up we would be fine because we loved each other so much and had been through so much together, but that is separate behavior. No one deserves that kind of treatment ever, for any reason.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go, that's your choice. Take this time apart to think about what your children are learning from this experience - about love, relationships, acceptable adult behavior. If you have the time check out some Alanon meetings or maybe schedule an appointment with a therapist. She was the one in the wrong, she doesn't get to set the timeline for you to decide what you need to do to protect yourself and especially your children.
So glad you posted. (Platonic) hugs and welcome.
For me that was the breaking point. By the end I was so beaten down and worn out and depressed and confused I really didn't care what happened to me. When he started turning the abuse on my son, it hardened my resolve to leave and I finally did after 5 years of escalating drinking and verbal and physical abuse.
One of the biggest mistakes I made was to blame all the abuse on his drinking, which I thought meant that if he just sobered up we would be fine because we loved each other so much and had been through so much together, but that is separate behavior. No one deserves that kind of treatment ever, for any reason.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go, that's your choice. Take this time apart to think about what your children are learning from this experience - about love, relationships, acceptable adult behavior. If you have the time check out some Alanon meetings or maybe schedule an appointment with a therapist. She was the one in the wrong, she doesn't get to set the timeline for you to decide what you need to do to protect yourself and especially your children.
So glad you posted. (Platonic) hugs and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Confused. First welcome. Second. You'd be surprised at how routine your story is. Take solace in knowing this. Nothing you just said shocks us here.
I have had a hole punched into my wall because I left a dome light in a car I was never even in. Alcohol distorts things so out of reality we are shocked at what the AC never even sees.
If she truly is getting proper help and "seeing the light", then you need to also seek help in your recovery. Trust me, you aren't as tough as you think are. One of the 1st things that will illuminate you is, this is bigger than you. You need to learn how to deal with an AC. This will also help her stay on track as well.
I have had a hole punched into my wall because I left a dome light in a car I was never even in. Alcohol distorts things so out of reality we are shocked at what the AC never even sees.
If she truly is getting proper help and "seeing the light", then you need to also seek help in your recovery. Trust me, you aren't as tough as you think are. One of the 1st things that will illuminate you is, this is bigger than you. You need to learn how to deal with an AC. This will also help her stay on track as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
[B][/During the summer she spent two months drinking....all during the day while I am working. During this time all the abuse was verbal. Finally on 9/11 about 10pm comes home drunk attacks my son.....I came into my son's room and pull her off twice....B]
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This right here would be enough for me to never speak, or allow this person into my life.
You do know recovery does not come with a guarantee ?
This woman has said and done deplorable, unforgivable acts in my book, and while only you can decide when enough is enough, your child is an innocent bystander, he doesn't deserve ONE more minute of this insanity, and neither do you.
The question I would be asking myself is WHY do I keep company with this caliper of person ? There are healthy, normal women in this world, ready to be in a healthy and normal relationships.
I would Run the other way, block her, do not respond, save yourself.............. she has a long way to go, just how much more of you are you willing to invest?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ This right here would be enough for me to never speak, or allow this person into my life.
You do know recovery does not come with a guarantee ?
This woman has said and done deplorable, unforgivable acts in my book, and while only you can decide when enough is enough, your child is an innocent bystander, he doesn't deserve ONE more minute of this insanity, and neither do you.
The question I would be asking myself is WHY do I keep company with this caliper of person ? There are healthy, normal women in this world, ready to be in a healthy and normal relationships.
I would Run the other way, block her, do not respond, save yourself.............. she has a long way to go, just how much more of you are you willing to invest?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Oh my goodness. No one should have to live with that kind of abuse and craziness.
When I was very was first here, and so very confused, people told me time and again that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She has a lot of issues that is for sure and the one thing we can say with 100% certainty - they are not your fault and there is nothing you can do to make it better or worse for her. She can take care of herself. You can only save yourself right now. Yourself and the kids.
The things I found particularly helpful in sorting out the confusion and setting some boundaries to take care of myself were counseling, reading the stickies at the top of this forum, reading al-anon literature and attending meetings, Co-Dependent No More which is a book by Melodie Beatty, and posting here.
Keep coming back.
When I was very was first here, and so very confused, people told me time and again that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She has a lot of issues that is for sure and the one thing we can say with 100% certainty - they are not your fault and there is nothing you can do to make it better or worse for her. She can take care of herself. You can only save yourself right now. Yourself and the kids.
The things I found particularly helpful in sorting out the confusion and setting some boundaries to take care of myself were counseling, reading the stickies at the top of this forum, reading al-anon literature and attending meetings, Co-Dependent No More which is a book by Melodie Beatty, and posting here.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
abuse is NEVER acceptable....for ANY reason. if you start with that premise, then your path should be pretty clear. you may need to dig deep to find out WHY after she abused YOU the first time, you gave her the opportunity to do so again.....and again....and again.
and moreover, why when she attacked your child, why that wasn't the complete dealbreaker. It shouldn't matter that he's 18 - a person in your home attacked your boy. relentlessly and her daughter was the one to call the cops....not you.
I can only speak for myself as a mom...my child is 31 years old and if ANYONE laid a hand on her i'd fight tooth and nail to assure they never did so again....even tho she lives on her own and is fully in charge of her own life. there aren't enough sorrys in the world......
what is most telling is her behavior now....she says she's seen the light, gonna get sober, blah blah blah, but "She claims I am not there for her because I can't just except her apologies and say we are together. She calls and texts quite a few times everyday demanding answers and won't accept my feelings and where I am and what I think". she won't take FULL responsibility but deflects it by saying it was the alcohol.
let her figure her stuff out. keep your focus on you and what is best in YOUR life and your kid's lives.....
and moreover, why when she attacked your child, why that wasn't the complete dealbreaker. It shouldn't matter that he's 18 - a person in your home attacked your boy. relentlessly and her daughter was the one to call the cops....not you.
I can only speak for myself as a mom...my child is 31 years old and if ANYONE laid a hand on her i'd fight tooth and nail to assure they never did so again....even tho she lives on her own and is fully in charge of her own life. there aren't enough sorrys in the world......
what is most telling is her behavior now....she says she's seen the light, gonna get sober, blah blah blah, but "She claims I am not there for her because I can't just except her apologies and say we are together. She calls and texts quite a few times everyday demanding answers and won't accept my feelings and where I am and what I think". she won't take FULL responsibility but deflects it by saying it was the alcohol.
let her figure her stuff out. keep your focus on you and what is best in YOUR life and your kid's lives.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
That she touched a hair on your son, 18 or not, doesn't matter. That she touched a hair on your head, don't care your age, she is an abuser and anywhere else done to anyone else that is assault.
Can you picture 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 more years of this? What kind of person will you become if you accept this behavior over the long haul? You have to decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It stinks, its wrong on every level. I grew up in a home where my parents fought like cats and dogs verbally and physically -- they were not alcoholics or addicts of any kind and I can tell you that no matter your child's age it affects them and makes everyone, adults included, just a little less human.
I'm praying for you and your family. I know you will find your way.
Can you picture 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 more years of this? What kind of person will you become if you accept this behavior over the long haul? You have to decide what you're willing to live with and what you're not.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It stinks, its wrong on every level. I grew up in a home where my parents fought like cats and dogs verbally and physically -- they were not alcoholics or addicts of any kind and I can tell you that no matter your child's age it affects them and makes everyone, adults included, just a little less human.
I'm praying for you and your family. I know you will find your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and a warm welcome to you. I understand, I put up with MANY of the alcoholic amnesia episodes. Just because she does not remember does not give her an excuse or excuse that sort of behavior.
She is an alcoholic. This will continue to progress b/c that is what happens. I am sorry to say, you would have a much more happy and peaceful life without her.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here! Keep posting, you are not alone!
She is an alcoholic. This will continue to progress b/c that is what happens. I am sorry to say, you would have a much more happy and peaceful life without her.
I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here! Keep posting, you are not alone!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 5
Today I am loading up all her stuff and taking it to a storage unit. Feeling pretty good about myself. Didn't give into her demands about giving her yet another chance...... She made this whole thing all about herself and tried to make herself out to be a victim. I hope she follows through and gets sober for good. I just know I can't take it anymore waiting for the next time she decides she can drink.....
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