CNY46ER

I didnt have. problem with alcohol until about 5 years ago. I have always been a social drinker but not a daily until recently. Again I believe my increase was due to lack of self worth brought on by an unfaithful wife. I will take the responsibility and say nobody held a gun to my head and poured the stuff down my throat. I will say that I am an excellent father, spouce, worker and friend. She tells me nobody will ever love me like her. I wonder is she right? Does she really love me that much or is the thought of me with another woman what drives her. Input?

OklaBH

When was the affair? Just one guy?

I'm sure you know drinking only made your pain worse. It screwed a lot up for me.

I'm not being sarcastic when I say this... You don't want another woman to live you like that. Cheating? Power plays? Guilt trips? Manipulation? I had to use that line on my husband and it left him speechless. Thank God.

You haven't mentioned what she is doing to make her amends. She brought A LOT to the table!

CNY46ER

Multiple affairs different men over the years. Most recently feb 2014. She is going to counceling she says. I do see some difference in her yet I wonder if its just a guise.

OklaBH

That is truly sad. I'm sorry. Just awful

CNY46ER

Its another 1 day at a time.

biminiblue

In my opinion I think you would benefit greatly from individual counseling. Somehow you have abandoned yourself.

Why do you feel you deserve to be with someone who is a serial cheater - not to mention all the blame-shifting and manipulation?

I think you can do much better.

CNY46ER

I don't have that answer biminiblue. Maybe I feel people can really change, I don't really know. Maybe its the fear of being alone. I agree with you somehow I have abandoned myself. Maybe its years of mental abuse that has put me in a place to where I believe I deserve this and this is the best I will get. I don't know, this is why I seek knowledge and wisdom from others.

OklaBH

^^^^^^^^^and there it is!

biminiblue

Well, from experience I can tell you there are way worse things than being alone.

I've had cheating partners. They didn't change. I hope if you decide to stay with her, that the two of you get some outside help. Honestly, cheating is a dealbreaker for me - but I know some people find a way to live with it, so it can be done.

I live alone. It is far better than the misery I had when I was married. Your mileage may vary.

You are both floundering right now. Treat yourself with kindness and love.

Verte

My experience is that there are holes in my heart that no one else in this world can heal except for me. Sobriety has given me the best opportunity for repair I ever could imagine. I emphatically second the suggestion for individual counseling and getting to the core of 'what's up'. How can peace be achieved within a relationship if it does not first begin within ourselves?

When I stopped drinking, I also stopped expelling energy through my husband and our relationship. No more useless, tempestuous, blaming arguments. Taking responsibility for my half of the relationship was the start of my peace. We tried couples therapy before I (we) stopped drinking, which was a joke because I was not willing to let go of my alcohol crutch or take responsibility for being a sarcastic, self-righteous, annoying a$$.

I realized that anything my husband (or any other person, for that matter) did or did not do would be a smokescreen for happiness. Ugh. Taking responsibility for my part in the relationship breakdown was utterly painful. But I love me, and I adore him. We both deserve better. Neither of us knows the answers, but I'll tell you that sobriety was the start of honesty and sincerity and having a good go at discovering how to make this relationship thing lasting and fulfilling. Similarly, he has to take responsibility for being 50% of the 'us'. No crutches.

Congrats on your sobriety. You have to be patient for discovering what's within yourself and try to be tolerant of the uncertainty of this path. Coming back to yourself is a beautiful thing and so worth the discomfort, time and effort.

Jsbodhi

I'm kinda in a similar situation. Not infidelity, but being manipulated and treated like a criminal, while my partner was just as bad ( well I was a bit worse) And he's continuing it on for over a week now, one day was good. I have apologized, gone to AA and have done everything I can to make it up. Yesterday I told him that just because I'm an alcoholic doesn't mean I deserve to be treated like a sub human. He said the most horrible things to me and I just took it because I feel like a loser drunk. we can accept and acknowledge the hurt we've caused, doesn't mean we deserve to be emotionally manipulated.
Sorry to rant on about my story, I just know how you feel.

CNY46ER

Thank you jsbodhi

Verte

Incidentally, our marriage counselor gave both my husband and me an article to read regarding John Gottman's "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse" - that alone was worth every minute spent in the counselor's office. Google it when you get a chance. Invaluable insight into relationships.