Red78

I think I need to vent.. Im feeling very depressed today. Im an everyday drinker but not to the point of being 'drunk' just buzzed unless my partner & I are going out/having a drink together.. He isnt a big drinker like me but loves getting drunk..

I dont find it easy to communicate with my partner, im scared too as I never know how he will react, most of the time he is a good man but when he doesnt like what u have to say or if im upset about something he doesnt agree with he turns into a monster.. When i drink i gain the courage to talk about things, maybe its not the right timing & feeling unconfident it might not come out right..
This happened on Sat night.. I voiced something that was going on for me, but only when asked what was wrong.. My partner took it the wrong way, i was being honest & not a drunk loser having an irrational rant.. He just started being insulting & lead me on what I can only describe as a tumble drier ride.. He uses the same manipulation techniques on me as he does on his kids & family.. Lately in these situations he uses the drinking against me telling me that i cant even string a sentence together, i cant even remember what the argument was about etc..when i get attacked like this my mind panics & goes blank whether im drinking or sober & i end up feeling like im constantly trying to defend myself.. I walk away feeling like im totally nuts & have so many issues & that he hasnt done anything wrong..I want to smooth the things out but am too scared to say anything in case it happens all over again...
I need to remain sober so I can prove to myself that im not crazy, im more than happy to face my own faults & admit I did wrong or could do things in a different way but I cant do it with someone standing there pushing me down & insulting me, cause thats all I can see at the time..
I work full time, study part time & help my partner look after his 3 children (i have none & have never wanted my own), i feel over whelmed with the effort i put in for someone elses family..i drink to cope with this..i cant do it anymore..
I didnt drink yesterday due to a headache & i dont want to drink today...i just need to get through this day/night to prove to myself I can do it....
If you read this, thank you for listening to my rant, I feel alone right now but pray this will pass..

Maudcat

Hi, Red, and welcome to SR. It sounds as though you have a lot on your plate and maybe you are feeling that you ate not getting the love and support from your partner that you would lke.
You also sound a bit scared of him, which is never good.
I don't have easy answers for you here, But as a former drinker, I can tell you that sober is better when you are facing challenges.
How about limiting the drinking so that you can reflect with clarity about your relationship with your partner? Can't hurt. It's far more difficult for someone to tie a sober person up in knots than it is one who has been drinking.

Notimetoloose

Hi Red, it didn't sound like a rant to me, it sounds like you have some real concerns that need addressing.
Drinking will not answer any of those concerns it will sometimes help you forget the question; sometimes!.
Get a plan to continue to stay sober, sobriety will help clarify what is going on in your relationship.

Anna

Red, you are being abused. This is verbal abuse and it is not okay. You do not need to live like this. Please believe that you are worth more than this. You are worth speaking your mind and worth being listened to.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined

https://www.qld.gov.au/community/get...-getting-help/

call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.
Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines and crisis center

Red78

Thanks Anna..
He can be very abusive but it doesnt happen a lot & it seems like its only when I talk about something thats upseting me or that im having trouble with and the way he uses his words makes me out to be the abusive one & now im left confused that maybe I am, even thou I have watched him have the same behaviour with others, generally his family.. He is generally a good man like I said so I feel the word abusive isnt right.. But I am scared of his reactions but Im thinking its maybe my communication also.. I have made an appointment to see a counsellor for both this & drinking..

Im wondering also, does anyone have any good resourses for effective communication???

january161992

thank you for having the courage to post this

God bless

Dee74

Hi Red

I agree with the others hewre that it's always better to be sober than trying to deal with something when you've been drinking. It may feel like you're more open and communicative - but from what you've written it doesn't seem like anything much ever gets resolved or changes?

I wouldn't blame yourself, It sounds like your partner has a lot invested in keeping things the way they are.

Here are some local NZ links you might want to check out.

It?s not just physical | It's Not OK

https://womensrefuge.org.nz/domestic-violence/

Help for family violence | New Zealand Police

Verbal abuse is still abuse, and manipulation is still manipulation no matter how infrequently these things happen.

I know you'll find support & understanding here

D

SnazzyDresser

You're not alone, Red78, Come on here to SR and talk to us when things get bad.

Red78

Thanks for the support guys...
Im sitting in my car, in the driveway, if I walk inside reality hits - kids, dinner, mess to clean & all someone elses.. Good reason to drink right???
Lets see if I can pour a non-alco drink, breathe & maybe sit outside for a bit, shoes off & soak up the sun & the good vibes of the earth..

labgirl

You're in my prayers Red.

Notimetoloose

You can do this, remember, HALT, hungry angry lonely tired; these all all things we tend to drink at! eat and drink something yummy.

Red78

Thx.. I have only just heard about HALT but didnt know what it meant, now I do...
I think I will have some water kefir, its a drink I make that has great gut bacteria, since drinking kills it.. Then I think i will make a nice beef curry..yummmmm

Unwound

Red, I would try to avoid talking to him about difficult topics while he (or you) are drinking, drunks are assholes I know, I was one. You need to talk about important stuff when you are both sober and behaving like reasoning adults possibly with the help of a counselllor. That probably is going to be hard and scary but you need to break this cycle.

Red78

I made it through last night without a drink!!! So I know damn well I can do it.. Im in day 3 now, all I can think about is friday when my partner has a surprise planned for my bday, im worried it will be geared around drinking, I dont want this & dont know whether I should say so or just see what happens..i dont mind a drink or 2 but dont want to get drunk, im not ready for full sobriety just yet but trying to taper down..

Ustacallmelola

He sounds like a Narcissist. I'd google it along with Narcissistic Personality disorder and see if the descriptions fit. If so, at least you know what you are dealing with.

Red78

Funny you say that..i did but his general personality doesnt fit, his alter ego Mr Hyde when it does come out fits it thou.. I actually feel terrible that im even saying this to people I dont actual know..

tomsteve

He isnt a big drinker like me but loves getting drunk..

seems like rationalizing his alcohol intake. im confused about that statement anyways-loves getting drunk, but not a big drinker like you.

He can be very abusive but it doesnt happen a lot ..

any abuse is too much.

DontRemember

I agree with this. With my now ex, I was constantly walking on eggshells, when I was her drinking 'buddy' I'd say 3days out of 7 with her had turned into a nightmare! Now that I've started my path to recovery that jumped up to 5 out of 7 nightmare days. A few days were her blackout outburst and a couple was just her personality in general. I think she was starting to resent me for trying to get myself straight and new I'd leave her once we weren't drinking buddies any longer.

As DEE pointed out, once you get sober you'll be better equipped mentally choose what's right for you. I know I was partially masking my relationship with booze. That then spilled over into other areas of my life. However she was not the cause of my drinking, I was.

ABetterWay1

That's a tactic known as "gaslighting". Abusers and active alcoholics are pros at it.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

ABW1

JackDsMissus

Agree with this x100. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and didn't realize until a lot of damage had already been done.

How long have you guys been together? Is it possible that his mask is only just starting to slip? It can take 1-2 years before you come into direct contact with the real face of an abuser - they gotta be sweet sometimes or else why would you ever stay.

You don't deserve that treatment, whatever is going on. Being sober will definitely help you figure it out. Hugs.