Just Me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Just Me.
Well, I guess I should introduce myself.
Philadelphia is a big city, but it's also a small town. I've considered AA, but I know a few people I'd run into. And for the time being at least, I want to be anonymous. I also don't want to trade booze for a folding chair. I want my life back.
So this is me. I'm 38, I live in Center City, I was laid off a while ago (not related to drinking), I'm a gay man, and I really have no personal support structure for any of this. I think if I did, this wouldn't be a problem.
I brought up my drinking problem with two friends. One took it as a personal attack on his own drinking. Whether or not he has a problem, I wasn't criticizing him, I was looking for help. Another friend was more supportive, but blamed my problem on the fact that I'm not working.
In some ways that's true. Being jobless is boring, but it's exacerbated a problem that had begun before I was laid off.
I know there are people from all walks of life dealing with recovery, but I have also known the gay world for 20 years and I know that much of my community's camaraderie circles around a bottle of vodka. It's hard to make new friends at 38, let alone ones who don't want to drink.
On the nights that I am sober the skull crushing boredom ends with sleep full of anxiety and sweat. But I know I don't need to drink. My circle of immediate friends have dwindled to a few people who do drink, likely people who don't recognize they have a problem, or don't care. I can't help but think if I knew people who didn't mind spending Saturday night watching movies and eating popcorn, I'd be in a better place. But at the same time I'm afraid to lose those few friends I have and end up with no one at all.
I guess that's why I sought this forum. If I trade the bottle for anything I want to trade it for people who care, or at least people who understand. I know these "friends" I drink with, and I know if I fell victim to my drinking in the worst way possible that I'd be easily forgotten. That wasn't me 10 years ago and those weren't my friends.
I didn't lose my real friends to my drinking, I lost them to marriage, moving, kids, and the simple fact that people grow apart, and I'm not the kind of person to take that loss lightly. As a gay teen growing up in a rural part of the country, I had no friends or allies, I had hate. So those friends I made in college were my family in the most religious sense of the word. When I was prioritized out of their lives it hurt, and I let them know it hurt by hurting them.
I was a bad person long before I had a drinking problem, perhaps that led to my problem. This world is full of cruel people and instead of rising above it, I fought it by becoming one of them. And then drank to dull the guilt.
Part of me thinks reconnecting with some of these people might help me, despite the distance and our pasts. But another part thinks I'll be cast aside like I would be by any of the drinkers I hang out with today and I don't know how I'd process that.
Like a lot of gay kids in the 90s I considered killing myself, and that's the only point in which I was lower than I am right now. But my loss of any true support structure, the friends that once cared more about me than their own insecurities, are pushing me back towards the bottom. Luckily I'm an adult and I know that drinking isn't a disease anymore than being gay is, and I know I can get out of the darkness by being who I should be. Proud.
But part of being proud means acknowledging my own flaws, and I haven't been as honest as I've been with these words since the day I came out in a friends' dorm room 20 years ago, and in the same vein, I'm again admitting I need help.
I've taken strides. I am studying to be certified as a personal trainer. No one needs an alcoholic trainer, but when I take the exam in December I don't plan on training. The program is slowly helping me rebuild my mind, body, and spirit. By December I want to be as clean as I was before I drank my first drink at 18. I want to be whole again.
I really hope this isn't just a forum for sober people, but also for people seeking the motivation and support to become sober. Despite the anonymity of the internet, this has been harder to write than anything I've spoken in two decades.
I need to know people who have come out the other side and have the battle scars to prove it, not just as alcoholics, but as people who've sought alcohol as a means to endure the guilt and shame of being the monsters they once were. Tackling alcohol is just the first step in finding the person I once was.
Philadelphia is a big city, but it's also a small town. I've considered AA, but I know a few people I'd run into. And for the time being at least, I want to be anonymous. I also don't want to trade booze for a folding chair. I want my life back.
So this is me. I'm 38, I live in Center City, I was laid off a while ago (not related to drinking), I'm a gay man, and I really have no personal support structure for any of this. I think if I did, this wouldn't be a problem.
I brought up my drinking problem with two friends. One took it as a personal attack on his own drinking. Whether or not he has a problem, I wasn't criticizing him, I was looking for help. Another friend was more supportive, but blamed my problem on the fact that I'm not working.
In some ways that's true. Being jobless is boring, but it's exacerbated a problem that had begun before I was laid off.
I know there are people from all walks of life dealing with recovery, but I have also known the gay world for 20 years and I know that much of my community's camaraderie circles around a bottle of vodka. It's hard to make new friends at 38, let alone ones who don't want to drink.
On the nights that I am sober the skull crushing boredom ends with sleep full of anxiety and sweat. But I know I don't need to drink. My circle of immediate friends have dwindled to a few people who do drink, likely people who don't recognize they have a problem, or don't care. I can't help but think if I knew people who didn't mind spending Saturday night watching movies and eating popcorn, I'd be in a better place. But at the same time I'm afraid to lose those few friends I have and end up with no one at all.
I guess that's why I sought this forum. If I trade the bottle for anything I want to trade it for people who care, or at least people who understand. I know these "friends" I drink with, and I know if I fell victim to my drinking in the worst way possible that I'd be easily forgotten. That wasn't me 10 years ago and those weren't my friends.
I didn't lose my real friends to my drinking, I lost them to marriage, moving, kids, and the simple fact that people grow apart, and I'm not the kind of person to take that loss lightly. As a gay teen growing up in a rural part of the country, I had no friends or allies, I had hate. So those friends I made in college were my family in the most religious sense of the word. When I was prioritized out of their lives it hurt, and I let them know it hurt by hurting them.
I was a bad person long before I had a drinking problem, perhaps that led to my problem. This world is full of cruel people and instead of rising above it, I fought it by becoming one of them. And then drank to dull the guilt.
Part of me thinks reconnecting with some of these people might help me, despite the distance and our pasts. But another part thinks I'll be cast aside like I would be by any of the drinkers I hang out with today and I don't know how I'd process that.
Like a lot of gay kids in the 90s I considered killing myself, and that's the only point in which I was lower than I am right now. But my loss of any true support structure, the friends that once cared more about me than their own insecurities, are pushing me back towards the bottom. Luckily I'm an adult and I know that drinking isn't a disease anymore than being gay is, and I know I can get out of the darkness by being who I should be. Proud.
But part of being proud means acknowledging my own flaws, and I haven't been as honest as I've been with these words since the day I came out in a friends' dorm room 20 years ago, and in the same vein, I'm again admitting I need help.
I've taken strides. I am studying to be certified as a personal trainer. No one needs an alcoholic trainer, but when I take the exam in December I don't plan on training. The program is slowly helping me rebuild my mind, body, and spirit. By December I want to be as clean as I was before I drank my first drink at 18. I want to be whole again.
I really hope this isn't just a forum for sober people, but also for people seeking the motivation and support to become sober. Despite the anonymity of the internet, this has been harder to write than anything I've spoken in two decades.
I need to know people who have come out the other side and have the battle scars to prove it, not just as alcoholics, but as people who've sought alcohol as a means to endure the guilt and shame of being the monsters they once were. Tackling alcohol is just the first step in finding the person I once was.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Hi Philly and welcome to the SR forum!
Early sobriety for me was a raw and laid-bare place. It was also the best homecoming to my true self that I never imagined. One of those "you've gotta see it to believe it" experiences. Prior to this I slowly, haltingly came to the realization that there was not a place for alcohol in the life I envisioned for myself. As far as guilt and shame go, these are prime tools for the metaphoric evilness that is the drink itself (at least in my brain right now).
There is a lot of support here. Welcome again.
Early sobriety for me was a raw and laid-bare place. It was also the best homecoming to my true self that I never imagined. One of those "you've gotta see it to believe it" experiences. Prior to this I slowly, haltingly came to the realization that there was not a place for alcohol in the life I envisioned for myself. As far as guilt and shame go, these are prime tools for the metaphoric evilness that is the drink itself (at least in my brain right now).
There is a lot of support here. Welcome again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte 
Hi Philly and welcome to the SR forum!
Early sobriety for me was a raw and laid-bare place. It was also the best homecoming to my true self that I never imagined. One of those "you've gotta see it to believe it" experiences. Prior to this I slowly, haltingly came to the realization that there was not a place for alcohol in the life I envisioned for myself. As far as guilt and shame go, these are prime tools for the metaphoric evilness that is the drink itself (at least in my brain right now).
There is a lot of support here. Welcome again.
Early sobriety for me was a raw and laid-bare place. It was also the best homecoming to my true self that I never imagined. One of those "you've gotta see it to believe it" experiences. Prior to this I slowly, haltingly came to the realization that there was not a place for alcohol in the life I envisioned for myself. As far as guilt and shame go, these are prime tools for the metaphoric evilness that is the drink itself (at least in my brain right now).
There is a lot of support here. Welcome again.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Welcome philly! You will find a lot of support and wonderful people here. I use SR alone, and it's helped me not drink for 5.5 months. I read posts 2-3 times per day and it's really helped me stay sober.i liked what you wrote and your comment about how difficult it was for you to write it. That's part of the magic ofSR....it's like journaling in that we clarify how we are feeling and what changes we need to make. I wish you well, and I'm glad you joined us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi and welcome! I am learning that you have to learn to take loving care of yourself first before you can attract the kind of true friends and be the true friend it sounds like you want to be. You'll find a lot of love and support here.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Philly...SR is for those that want to get sober, those that have been sober and even those who aren't sure. It sounds like you are sure about it though...and that is a great sign. Let us know how we can help.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
Originally Posted by philly76
I'm so glad someone responded. And "laid-bare" is the perfect term for what I hope to find. It's just so hard without a support structure. If the boredom isn't bad enough the sleepless nights are worse. I know much of recovery is about being anonymous, but at the same time it's so hard without anyone who cares about me by my side. I miss that so much. How do you bring people back into your life - or find people - who truly care about you more than their bar tab?
, hey?]First, patience. It took me a long time and a lot of life to arrive where I did 3 months ago. When I looked around on that day all I saw was a wasteland of my own making.
Honestly, this forum is my main social support. No pressure everyone. But I love it here and it has been essential for helping me to ask the right questions as I have been asking the wrong questions for a really long time. I also have a fabulous face to face therapist to help me navigate some pressing life issues that exist alongside my life with alcohol (although she has been on vacation for half of the summer which means the healing thing is moving slowly...patience LTV!).
What I have found over the past 3 months is the longer I have gone working to truly be comfortable in my own skin, the less urgency I feel to have anything besides me, beside me. It's like I have been holding my breath for years and the big exhale came...and I'm really not in a hurry to discover anything more than myself right now.
Everyone here on the forum is in their own unique place and there are many great suggestions for meeting like-minded, supportive people. I'm very pro-psych support so I always suggest a therapist, psychologist or counselor to help navigate life changes. However, check out the other sections of SR for sure to find out more about real-life group support options and methods. Another great meeting people suggestion is to look into meetup.com in your area for book clubs, activity groups of all kinds...or create your own through that site.
About the sleepless nights: people are always here on SR 24/7. There is so much to read here on the forum I have not even gotten past the tip of the iceberg. OK then! I'm writing on and on now. But welcome again Philly! You are not alone in this journey of yours
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 179
Originally Posted by LeTheVerte
Well, Philly, you are asking all the right questions which, in my book, means that you are in a really good place.[Listen to you smarty , hey?]
First, patience. It took me a long time and a lot of life to arrive where I did 3 months ago. When I looked around on that day all I saw was a wasteland of my own making.
Honestly, this forum is my main social support. No pressure everyone. But I love it here and it has been essential for helping me to ask the right questions as I have been asking the wrong questions for a really long time. I also have a fabulous face to face therapist to help me navigate some pressing life issues that exist alongside my life with alcohol (although she has been on vacation for half of the summer which means the healing thing is moving slowly...patience LTV!).
What I have found over the past 3 months is the longer I have gone truly being comfortable in my own skin, the less urgency I feel to have anything besides me, beside me. It's like I have been holding my breath for years and the big exhale came...and I'm really not in a hurry to discover anything more than myself right now.
Everyone here on the forum is in their own unique place and there are many great suggestions for meeting like-minded, supportive people. I'm very pro-psych support so I always suggest a therapist, psychologist or counselor to help navigate life changes. However, check out the other sections of SR for sure to find out more about real-life group support options and methods. Another great meeting people suggestion is to look into meetup.com in your area for book clubs, activity groups of all kinds...or create your own through that site.
About the sleepless nights: people are always here on SR 24/7. There is so much to read here on the forum I have not even gotten past the tip of the iceberg. OK then! I'm writing on and on now. But welcome again Philly! You are not alone in this journey of yours
, hey?]First, patience. It took me a long time and a lot of life to arrive where I did 3 months ago. When I looked around on that day all I saw was a wasteland of my own making.
Honestly, this forum is my main social support. No pressure everyone. But I love it here and it has been essential for helping me to ask the right questions as I have been asking the wrong questions for a really long time. I also have a fabulous face to face therapist to help me navigate some pressing life issues that exist alongside my life with alcohol (although she has been on vacation for half of the summer which means the healing thing is moving slowly...patience LTV!).
What I have found over the past 3 months is the longer I have gone truly being comfortable in my own skin, the less urgency I feel to have anything besides me, beside me. It's like I have been holding my breath for years and the big exhale came...and I'm really not in a hurry to discover anything more than myself right now.
Everyone here on the forum is in their own unique place and there are many great suggestions for meeting like-minded, supportive people. I'm very pro-psych support so I always suggest a therapist, psychologist or counselor to help navigate life changes. However, check out the other sections of SR for sure to find out more about real-life group support options and methods. Another great meeting people suggestion is to look into meetup.com in your area for book clubs, activity groups of all kinds...or create your own through that site.
About the sleepless nights: people are always here on SR 24/7. There is so much to read here on the forum I have not even gotten past the tip of the iceberg. OK then! I'm writing on and on now. But welcome again Philly! You are not alone in this journey of yours
More than that I love that people commented on this thread and offered blind support. I haven't cried in a long, long time. I just want to be the greatest person I can be, and I can't right now. But I know I can be.
pray for strength
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: New England
Posts: 2,414
The way I look at it, my past is always a part of me but does not have to dictate my future. In other words, I cannot keep giving it the same energy or attention because I do not wish to maintain it with regards to where I want to go.
Where I'm going is uncharted
People here on SR are amazing with a high concentration of real life experience willing to be shared. Philly, while we cannot see each others faces, the supportive words here are not blind...people on SR really 'get' where you are coming from. We 'get it'. Read and post as much as you wish to...you will find that you are in great company.
Where I'm going is uncharted
People here on SR are amazing with a high concentration of real life experience willing to be shared. Philly, while we cannot see each others faces, the supportive words here are not blind...people on SR really 'get' where you are coming from. We 'get it'. Read and post as much as you wish to...you will find that you are in great company.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
You find a lot of support here Philly - and a lot of success stories too.
I used to be an all day everyday drinker - now I've been sober for over 7 years - it really is possible.
Good to have you join us
D
I used to be an all day everyday drinker - now I've been sober for over 7 years - it really is possible.
Good to have you join us
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Telford, PA
Posts: 37
Hi Philly! Welcome! I live to the North of you! I have been sober for 23 days! Yea, me! I am so proud of myself and feeling hopeful for the first time in forever! It can be done! Hang here with us! We can go through it together!
Realising my life
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Dorset, England
Posts: 3,656
Welcome, Philly 
I have been sober now for 18 months (today -yay!!) The most important change I've found so far is psychological. I've always been compassionate towards others, but now I've learned how to direct some of that compassion to myself. I finally feel good enough to receive it.
I've done many things in the past that I'm ashamed of - many, but not quite all, through drink. I can't change them, but I can and I have changed me.
If you decide to choose the sober route, we'll walk beside you. And if you're even just thinking about it, we'll be there too. You're not alone in any of this
I have been sober now for 18 months (today -yay!!
) The most important change I've found so far is psychological. I've always been compassionate towards others, but now I've learned how to direct some of that compassion to myself. I finally feel good enough to receive it.I've done many things in the past that I'm ashamed of - many, but not quite all, through drink. I can't change them, but I can and I have changed me.
If you decide to choose the sober route, we'll walk beside you. And if you're even just thinking about it, we'll be there too. You're not alone in any of this
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: My city of ruins...
Posts: 593
Welcome Philly ...
You are wise and self aware which are two things that are important to have on this journey you are embarking on.
Looking in the rearview mirror the whole time you are driving will result in a terrible accident. This is the analogy I use when I start dwelling on my past behavior - no one can drive forward and get to their destination safely if they don't keep their eyes on the road and hands upon the wheel.
You are not alone - and there are TONS of people here from the tri-state, me being one of them. Philly is a drinking city for sure, but I've found that where there is lots of drinking there are also lots of recovery outlets. Like Vegas for example. Who knew there are so many support options for alcoholics and addicts living in Sin City? Same is true for NY, Boston, Philly, etc. Look into some support maybe outside of your general area - like 30 miles out or something. Or, if that isn't possible, become an active participant here. I did use AA in the beginning months but never got into the program. Just went to as many meetings as I could so I had something to do and also remind myself I am not alone. After about 6 months I found that SR was enough support for me - but we are all different. Try out a plan and adjust it as you go.
And I love to spend my evenings watching movies and eating popcorn. I cannot safely participate in the "nightlife" and now that I am sober I have no desire to. A nice dinner, some TV, and a good night's sleep are better than any night drunk and spinning and the deadly hangover the next day.
Anyway, good luck and keep focused. You can do this!!!!
You are wise and self aware which are two things that are important to have on this journey you are embarking on.
Looking in the rearview mirror the whole time you are driving will result in a terrible accident. This is the analogy I use when I start dwelling on my past behavior - no one can drive forward and get to their destination safely if they don't keep their eyes on the road and hands upon the wheel.
You are not alone - and there are TONS of people here from the tri-state, me being one of them. Philly is a drinking city for sure, but I've found that where there is lots of drinking there are also lots of recovery outlets. Like Vegas for example. Who knew there are so many support options for alcoholics and addicts living in Sin City? Same is true for NY, Boston, Philly, etc. Look into some support maybe outside of your general area - like 30 miles out or something. Or, if that isn't possible, become an active participant here. I did use AA in the beginning months but never got into the program. Just went to as many meetings as I could so I had something to do and also remind myself I am not alone. After about 6 months I found that SR was enough support for me - but we are all different. Try out a plan and adjust it as you go.
And I love to spend my evenings watching movies and eating popcorn. I cannot safely participate in the "nightlife" and now that I am sober I have no desire to. A nice dinner, some TV, and a good night's sleep are better than any night drunk and spinning and the deadly hangover the next day.
Anyway, good luck and keep focused. You can do this!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Philly
I am very new to SR. I read and post here a couple times a day. I find great comfort in the postings of others. Sleep is hard for me also. I run and swim as much as I can to exhaust myself . Work out and read. I love to read but could not enjoy reading with a hangover.
I am very new to SR. I read and post here a couple times a day. I find great comfort in the postings of others. Sleep is hard for me also. I run and swim as much as I can to exhaust myself . Work out and read. I love to read but could not enjoy reading with a hangover.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Hi, Philly, welcome! You have found a GREAT place of support, comeraderie and information. SR has been my go to place for many years, and it's a great alternative to the mind-numbing boredom we so often encounter. Read, read read. You will find so many stories that resonate with you, soon you will no longer feel alone and you will know the life you want is within your reach. Wishing you the best in your journey-
Lisa.
Lisa.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Welcome Philly! You are among friends here. Tons of unjudgmental support here. Sometimes we speak the hard truth, but sometimes thats what we all need to overcome this addiction.
I didn't join as a member of SR last year but read every post while I remained sober for 9 months.
After relapsing during the holidays, I finally quit lurking and joined this year.
SR is the only support group I console in and rely on.
I'm on 21 days today and so happy about that!! You can do this. Stay close and post as often as needed to suceed!
Best of luck
I didn't join as a member of SR last year but read every post while I remained sober for 9 months.
After relapsing during the holidays, I finally quit lurking and joined this year.
SR is the only support group I console in and rely on.
I'm on 21 days today and so happy about that!! You can do this. Stay close and post as often as needed to suceed!
Best of luck
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome Philly! It's wonderful to have you with us.
I was still drinking when I joined here. I knew in my heart I had to stop in order to reclaim my life. I had tried so many times to return to social drinking, but each time I tried to moderate it led me back to blackouts and remorse.
You can be whole again Philly - we will help. Glad you joined the family.
I was still drinking when I joined here. I knew in my heart I had to stop in order to reclaim my life. I had tried so many times to return to social drinking, but each time I tried to moderate it led me back to blackouts and remorse.
You can be whole again Philly - we will help. Glad you joined the family.
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