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Old 09-30-2013, 09:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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breaking up with drug user

Hi there,
I feel really intimidated to be posting here for some reason. I think it's because I feel like my own recent experience isn't as harrowing as many people's tragically are. My (now ex) partner doesn't use hard drugs or alchohol, but got high on marijuana at least 2-3 times daily. And that is the funny thing with a relatively "harmless" addiction like marijuana - it sortof creeps up on you and your life, and before you know it, there's money issues, and emotional neglect and you find yourself becoming a total shrew of a woman, nagging and trying to set out action plans and asking yourself what's so wrong with YOU that you can't be happy with this person.
I've read about codependence, and I definitely identified with what was described there.
But does anyone else ever wonder - how the **** else are we supposed to react? For my situation, I knew he smoked but I didn't realize how much until after we moved in together. I didn't realize he was high for every first date, first kiss, first time making love. I didn't understand what it all looked like, and so I didn't see it.
Our relationship ended because I became pregnant and felt unsafe (emotionally and financially/stability) with him, and we decided to terminate the pregnancy. (please, no judgments in response, I'm feeling guilty and ashamed enough of that choice) Following that, he became extremely resentful and occasionally hostile. Eventually he told me that a black cloud of hate and resentment was building inside of him. So I told him I loved him and that I didn't want him to be unhappy, and so we have broken up.
Now I feel that I'm in for the fight of my life. I'm learning about codependency for the first time, even though this is alarmingly my second "try" at living with a substance abuser. This can't be my life.
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Old 09-30-2013, 10:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Please don't worry about your story compared to others cazer - we're a support forum...we don't help on hierarchy

I was a pot smoker and beer drinker for 20-30 years - I never got into trouble with the law or used hard drugs or anything like that, but I found nothing 'harmless' about my addictions at all - and like you, successive partners eventually walked away from me and overriding primary love affair with my drugs and booze.

Eventually I decided to change - I wanted a better ending for my life story.

Just as I've found recovery tho I know you can too

You'll find a lot of support encouragement and wisdom here from people who understand

welcome
D
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Old 10-02-2013, 12:48 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I disagree when people say weed isnt a gateway drug it was for me it let to other hellish addictions did he want to stop smoking to save the relationship posting on this site keeps my mind off other thing been clean almost 8 days woohoo lol
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Old 10-02-2013, 09:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Weed definitely isn't harmless when you let it rule your life. No judgement from me on either count; don't stay with a drug addict and your body is yours to control. I hope you don't feel guilty about either.

I'm not sure just how codependency works. It seems like drunks seem to find drunks and some people seem to wind up with users. Maybe it's the social circles we keep, I honestly don't know.

It sounds like making a clean break is the best thing, sad to say. If he resents you for the abortion, that resentment won't go away on its own. It will get worse and worse, and every little annoyance will become about that. Eventually all you will have left is contempt for each other. Let him find someone that will tolerate his using and work on yourself. You deserve to be happy.

Welcome to SR. I hope this place helps you to learn and grow.
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I realized I could probably go on drinking like this for maybe two or three more years, or live for another two or three decades...but not both. Suddenly the choice became crystal clear.
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Old 10-04-2013, 12:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you everyone for your support and for sharing your perspectives. It really does help.
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Old 10-04-2013, 12:58 AM   #6 (permalink)
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That's why we're here, Cazer! Don't worry that your problems aren't bad enough, either. Everyone needs a shoulder to lean on and someone to talk to sometimes.
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I realized I could probably go on drinking like this for maybe two or three more years, or live for another two or three decades...but not both. Suddenly the choice became crystal clear.
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