cazer

Hi there,
I feel really intimidated to be posting here for some reason. I think it's because I feel like my own recent experience isn't as harrowing as many people's tragically are. My (now ex) partner doesn't use hard drugs or alchohol, but got high on marijuana at least 2-3 times daily. And that is the funny thing with a relatively "harmless" addiction like marijuana - it sortof creeps up on you and your life, and before you know it, there's money issues, and emotional neglect and you find yourself becoming a total shrew of a woman, nagging and trying to set out action plans and asking yourself what's so wrong with YOU that you can't be happy with this person.
I've read about codependence, and I definitely identified with what was described there.
But does anyone else ever wonder - how the **** else are we supposed to react? For my situation, I knew he smoked but I didn't realize how much until after we moved in together. I didn't realize he was high for every first date, first kiss, first time making love. I didn't understand what it all looked like, and so I didn't see it.
Our relationship ended because I became pregnant and felt unsafe (emotionally and financially/stability) with him, and we decided to terminate the pregnancy. (please, no judgments in response, I'm feeling guilty and ashamed enough of that choice) Following that, he became extremely resentful and occasionally hostile. Eventually he told me that a black cloud of hate and resentment was building inside of him. So I told him I loved him and that I didn't want him to be unhappy, and so we have broken up.
Now I feel that I'm in for the fight of my life. I'm learning about codependency for the first time, even though this is alarmingly my second "try" at living with a substance abuser. This can't be my life.