Feelings - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

pattyj · 01-04-2013, 08:51 AM

I hate having to feel feelings now that I am sober.
I turned 30 yesterday. My boyfriend didn't have anything planned, didn't get me anything. Asked me where I wanted to go for dinner the morning of my birthday. He had recently bought himself a car, a 3D TV and new shoes. My twin sister had the day off and spent the day at the spa courtesy of her husband. I told my boyfriend that I was jealous of her for what she got. People keep saying how big 30 is and it felt nothing different to me. My boyfriend's 30th was 6 months ago and I spent $1500 on a party bus, wine touring, and an evening at the Space Needle. He doesn't understnad why I am pissed. I would normally drink these feelings away and just push them down. But, since I am sober now, I am crying and pissed. I shouldn't have to depend on someone else to make me happy on my birthday but I expected a little more thought would be put into this, maybe flowers, or a card... Just needed to vent!

escapist · 01-04-2013, 09:00 AM

It hurts when the people we love are thoughtless. Happy Birthday.
30 wasnt that big of deal for me. 40 seemed to have more impact on me. 50 was a landmark. Can be depressing. Really depressing. The female body goes through a lot of changes. I was drunk for it. Got sober at 51. I plan on being sober for the 52 birthday coming up way too fast . Lol

sugarbear1 · 01-04-2013, 09:29 AM

LatteLady · 01-04-2013, 09:36 AM

Happy Birthday from the other side of the state.

We should not have to depend upon others for our happiness, but that is how the human mind works. Vent away.
However, you did give yourself a wonderful gift. Sobriety. Revel in that fact.

bryangt · 01-04-2013, 09:38 AM

Hear ya...we are so 'raw' now that we are sober so we feel emotions and feelings stronger and more realistic than in our drinking days. I get so emotional when it comes to loved ones & sad states of affairs. It is hard to deal with at first, but at least we are dealing with it & not avoiding it or numbing it by drinking.

pattyj · 01-04-2013, 10:00 AM

I guess after spending 4 months planning, a months salary and getting people to come in town for his 30th birthday, I expected more. How do you talk to a significant other about this situation? I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. I don't want to sound conceded but I am still mad and what him to realize that what he did wasn't nice.

pattyj · 01-04-2013, 10:01 AM

Thank you for the birthday wishes!

neferkamichael · 01-04-2013, 10:05 AM

Pattyj, yea, that was about as thoughtless as a husband can get. Your thread actually pissed me off too. Nonetheless you didn't drink, so you are FANTASTIC.

LatteLady · 01-04-2013, 10:06 AM

It also depends on his upbringing. If he is still a young critter, he is used to being the center of attention on his own b'day. Let him age a bit, remind him in advance that next year you expect bigger and better things out of him.
Don't give him a guilt trip. The male mind has a tendency to dig in its heels when guilt is ladled on.

lionk22 · 01-04-2013, 10:06 AM

Happy birthday!! Maybe your boyfriend is planning a surprise for you? My H's best friend recently turned 40. He was bummed all day because everyone around him downplayed his birthday... but we downplayed it because we were throwing him a surprise party that night.

But even if that's not the case and your boyfriend is just being inconsiderate about your birthday, take some time to celebrate YOU, and treat yourself to something nice! You deserve it.

beherenow · 01-04-2013, 10:09 AM

That stinks! I'm sorry he hasn't made your b'day special. Maybe you can tell him just what you told us?

MidnightBlue · 01-04-2013, 10:10 AM

Happy Birthday, pattyj!

My 30 birthday wasn't great either. Actually, it was awful (and I wasn't drunk, by the way, but my ex was). No I realize that if I want something great I have to plan it myself. No disillusions, no dissappointment. And, you know, it's not bad either! I like to keep reins of my life in my hands.

Chin up! Pamper yourself with something great that you deseve!

Best wishes to you)

grandma12 · 01-04-2013, 10:42 AM

Im sorry I know how hurtfull that can be. Iv been married 31 years my husband has never gotten me anything for my bday, Mother.s day (Im not his Mother) Christmas he sends one of the kids to pick me up somthing, ect. for a long time i let it hurt and then I relized if I wasnt going to leave him i better learn to live wit it. Every time it still hurts i just quit saying anything. I hope today is better for you. Happy late Birthday.

pattyj · 01-04-2013, 11:04 AM

I plan to use some of my fantastic living social vouchers to take myself out for a facial, massage and pedicure. After I told bf that I was jealous that my sister spent the day at the spa, he asked why I didn't take the day off. I replied that I didn't have anything to do and didn't realize that I had to plan my own birthday. All he said was sorry. In the past, if he doesn't have anything for me the day of my birthday, he will tell me that something is coming in the mail. I don't drink so I know that he is not planning any kind of party. He grew up with a father who spoiled the heck out of his mother for birthdays and special occasions so I know he knows what to do. I can't help that it still hurts and the more I talk/think about it the more pissed I get. What really bugs me is all the gifts he bought himself in the last month and all I get is a dinner with the help of a coupon.

TrixMixer · 01-04-2013, 11:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyj

I hate having to feel feelings now that I am sober.
I turned 30 yesterday. My boyfriend didn't have anything planned, didn't get me anything. Asked me where I wanted to go for dinner the morning of my birthday. He had recently bought himself a car, a 3D TV and new shoes.

Edited by TrixMixer for space

HI Patty, and Happy 30th,

I must preface what I am about to say by telling you I am Not a Big celebratory person and neither is my Husband. A check for my Birthday and Xmas and a big present for our 10, 15, 20 year anniversary. I have a wonderful life with him and don't want or need gifts or cards from anyone. ......BUT that is me.

You however, girlfriend, have a seemingly very selfish little boy for a boyfriend.
Irregardless of what you did for him or what your sister got for her birthday, if you were hurt by an inconsiderate boyfriend (and You were), you should talk to him first chance you get and let him know how you feel. If you keep it in it will fester and derail your relationship. So your boyfriend will either understand or not--if not he does not care about you the way you thought, than you deserve better.

Do I sound like Dear Abbey, LOL!

I can tell you this if I were still drinking I would have gone for his throat , even when my burthday is no big deal. I was always VERY indignant when drinking, so the feelings you have are genuine because you are seeing them through SOBER eyes.

Good luck getting through to you guy while he is driving his NEW car and watching his New 3D T.V.

Stay strong and stay sober,
TrixMixer

escapist · 01-04-2013, 11:19 AM

How was Christmas?
I did'nt do anything . I did'nt want anything. I just wanted to stay sober and I did.
All you can do is tell him about it. It is good you don't feel like drinking. Best birthday present you can have.

raja12 · 01-04-2013, 11:20 AM

Happy birthday! Sorry your bf didn't do anything special for you. I know how much that must have hurt. But,you are sober,and that's a great gift in itself. 30 is a great age,wish I could be there again,but sober this time around. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, and celebrate your day and your sobriety.

pattyj · 01-04-2013, 11:22 AM

Your post, TrixMixer, really hit home. I am not a big celebratory person either, except for the major milestones. I hate Valentine's Day but we did something special for being together 5 years, about a year ago. I have been making a big deal about turning 30 in the last month or so. I will not tell him to get me anything but when he spoils himself like that, I would think he would include me with it being a milestone birthday. If I was drinking, I would have gone for the throat as well; bitchy, pissed, crying, yelling, all in front of him. Now, I am just sad and really disappointed.

TrixMixer · 01-04-2013, 01:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pattyj

Your post, TrixMixer, really hit home. I am not a big celebratory person either, except for the major milestones. I hate Valentine's Day but we did something special for being together 5 years, about a year ago. I have been making a big deal about turning 30 in the last month or so. I will not tell him to get me anything but when he spoils himself like that, I would think he would include me with it being a milestone birthday. If I was drinking, I would have gone for the throat as well; bitchy, pissed, crying, yelling, all in front of him. Now, I am just sad and really disappointed.

LOL! That a girl, Patty, just like me!! Crazy Drunk!!!

Sober is soooooo much better though, and I do think you should tell him your were hurt. He should know how you feel. Do not keep things iside they only snowball.

Wishing you all the best for you and your relationship.
Stay strong/ Stay sober
TrixMixer

Wastinglife · 01-04-2013, 01:26 PM

That was quite insensitive of your boyfriend. May want to think twice before marrying him.

01-04-2013, 08:51 AM	#1 (permalink)
pattyj Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Lynnwood WA Posts: 169	Feelings I hate having to feel feelings now that I am sober. I turned 30 yesterday. My boyfriend didn't have anything planned, didn't get me anything. Asked me where I wanted to go for dinner the morning of my birthday. He had recently bought himself a car, a 3D TV and new shoes. My twin sister had the day off and spent the day at the spa courtesy of her husband. I told my boyfriend that I was jealous of her for what she got. People keep saying how big 30 is and it felt nothing different to me. My boyfriend's 30th was 6 months ago and I spent $1500 on a party bus, wine touring, and an evening at the Space Needle. He doesn't understnad why I am pissed. I would normally drink these feelings away and just push them down. But, since I am sober now, I am crying and pissed. I shouldn't have to depend on someone else to make me happy on my birthday but I expected a little more thought would be put into this, maybe flowers, or a card... Just needed to vent! __________________ 4-15-13; this time better work

01-04-2013, 09:29 AM	#3 (permalink)
sugarbear1 ~sb Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: MD Posts: 9,761	__________________ Someday everything will all make sense. For now, laugh at confusion, smile through tears, & remind yourself that everything happens for a reason. All Big Book quotes are from the first edition. Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

01-04-2013, 09:36 AM	#4 (permalink)
LatteLady Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: west coast. Posts: 52 Blog Entries: 12	Happy Birthday from the other side of the state. We should not have to depend upon others for our happiness, but that is how the human mind works. Vent away. However, you did give yourself a wonderful gift. Sobriety. Revel in that fact. __________________ 10 year cancer survivor. Diabetic. Sobriety date 11-12-12.....

01-04-2013, 10:00 AM	#6 (permalink)
pattyj Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Lynnwood WA Posts: 169	I guess after spending 4 months planning, a months salary and getting people to come in town for his 30th birthday, I expected more. How do you talk to a significant other about this situation? I know I am not the only one who has experienced this. I don't want to sound conceded but I am still mad and what him to realize that what he did wasn't nice. __________________ 4-15-13; this time better work

01-04-2013, 10:01 AM	#7 (permalink)
pattyj Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Lynnwood WA Posts: 169	Thank you for the birthday wishes! __________________ 4-15-13; this time better work

01-04-2013, 09:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
escapist Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: fort wayne, IN. Posts: 940	It hurts when the people we love are thoughtless. Happy Birthday. 30 wasnt that big of deal for me. 40 seemed to have more impact on me. 50 was a landmark. Can be depressing. Really depressing. The female body goes through a lot of changes. I was drunk for it. Got sober at 51. I plan on being sober for the 52 birthday coming up way too fast . Lol

01-04-2013, 09:38 AM	#5 (permalink)
bryangt Member Join Date: Feb 2012 Location: Bridgeton Posts: 611	Hear ya...we are so 'raw' now that we are sober so we feel emotions and feelings stronger and more realistic than in our drinking days. I get so emotional when it comes to loved ones & sad states of affairs. It is hard to deal with at first, but at least we are dealing with it & not avoiding it or numbing it by drinking.

01-04-2013, 10:05 AM	#8 (permalink)
neferkamichael Life Health Prosperity Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Louisana Posts: 2,049	Pattyj, yea, that was about as thoughtless as a husband can get. Your thread actually pissed me off too. Nonetheless you didn't drink, so you are *FANTASTIC*. __________________ Success is making yourself do the thing you need to do when you need to do it whether you like it or not. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

01-04-2013, 10:06 AM	#9 (permalink)
LatteLady Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: west coast. Posts: 52 Blog Entries: 12	It also depends on his upbringing. If he is still a young critter, he is used to being the center of attention on his own b'day. Let him age a bit, remind him in advance that next year you expect bigger and better things out of him. Don't give him a guilt trip. The male mind has a tendency to dig in its heels when guilt is ladled on. __________________ 10 year cancer survivor. Diabetic. Sobriety date 11-12-12.....

01-04-2013, 10:06 AM	#10 (permalink)
lionk22 Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Upstate NY Posts: 10	Happy birthday!! Maybe your boyfriend is planning a surprise for you? My H's best friend recently turned 40. He was bummed all day because everyone around him downplayed his birthday... but we downplayed it because we were throwing him a surprise party that night. But even if that's not the case and your boyfriend is just being inconsiderate about your birthday, take some time to celebrate YOU, and treat yourself to something nice! You deserve it.

01-04-2013, 10:09 AM	#11 (permalink)
beherenow Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Location: Charlotte, NC Posts: 92	That stinks! I'm sorry he hasn't made your b'day special. Maybe you can tell him just what you told us?

01-04-2013, 10:10 AM	#12 (permalink)
MidnightBlue Sober since October Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: On the way to my true self... Posts: 1,257 Blog Entries: 16	Happy Birthday, pattyj! My 30 birthday wasn't great either. Actually, it was awful (and I wasn't drunk, by the way, but my ex was). No I realize that if I want something great I have to plan it myself. No disillusions, no dissappointment. And, you know, it's not bad either! I like to keep reins of my life in my hands. Chin up! Pamper yourself with something great that you deseve! Best wishes to you) __________________ "When you have gone so far that you can't manage one more step, then you've gone just half the distance that you're capable of." "To escape criticism: do nothing, say nothing, be nothing." "Don’t waste your time or time will waste you"

01-04-2013, 10:42 AM	#13 (permalink)
grandma12 Member Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: Redding, CA Posts: 157	Im sorry I know how hurtfull that can be. Iv been married 31 years my husband has never gotten me anything for my bday, Mother.s day (Im not his Mother) Christmas he sends one of the kids to pick me up somthing, ect. for a long time i let it hurt and then I relized if I wasnt going to leave him i better learn to live wit it. Every time it still hurts i just quit saying anything. I hope today is better for you. Happy late Birthday.

01-04-2013, 11:04 AM	#14 (permalink)
pattyj Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Lynnwood WA Posts: 169	I plan to use some of my fantastic living social vouchers to take myself out for a facial, massage and pedicure. After I told bf that I was jealous that my sister spent the day at the spa, he asked why I didn't take the day off. I replied that I didn't have anything to do and didn't realize that I had to plan my own birthday. All he said was sorry. In the past, if he doesn't have anything for me the day of my birthday, he will tell me that something is coming in the mail. I don't drink so I know that he is not planning any kind of party. He grew up with a father who spoiled the heck out of his mother for birthdays and special occasions so I know he knows what to do. I can't help that it still hurts and the more I talk/think about it the more pissed I get. What really bugs me is all the gifts he bought himself in the last month and all I get is a dinner with the help of a coupon. __________________ 4-15-13; this time better work

01-04-2013, 11:19 AM	#16 (permalink)
escapist Member Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: fort wayne, IN. Posts: 940	How was Christmas? I did'nt do anything . I did'nt want anything. I just wanted to stay sober and I did. All you can do is tell him about it. It is good you don't feel like drinking. Best birthday present you can have.

01-04-2013, 11:20 AM	#17 (permalink)
raja12 Member Join Date: Dec 2012 Posts: 376	Happy birthday! Sorry your bf didn't do anything special for you. I know how much that must have hurt. But,you are sober,and that's a great gift in itself. 30 is a great age,wish I could be there again,but sober this time around. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, and celebrate your day and your sobriety.

01-04-2013, 11:22 AM	#18 (permalink)
pattyj Member Join Date: Nov 2012 Location: Lynnwood WA Posts: 169	Your post, TrixMixer, really hit home. I am not a big celebratory person either, except for the major milestones. I hate Valentine's Day but we did something special for being together 5 years, about a year ago. I have been making a big deal about turning 30 in the last month or so. I will not tell him to get me anything but when he spoils himself like that, I would think he would include me with it being a milestone birthday. If I was drinking, I would have gone for the throat as well; bitchy, pissed, crying, yelling, all in front of him. Now, I am just sad and really disappointed. __________________ 4-15-13; this time better work

01-04-2013, 01:26 PM	#20 (permalink)
Wastinglife Member Join Date: Dec 2012 Location: Toronto Posts: 141	That was quite insensitive of your boyfriend. May want to think twice before marrying him.

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