Class of October 2013 - Part 13
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, Whodey.
I am not sure why I haven't been here at SR more lately. I seem to go in waves in needing support, plus my kids' schedules have kept us very busy. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow for the first time since Christmas. I am pretty nervous about seeing them. The rest of my family seem to be pretty much "over" them, so I feel pretty stuck in the middle. Oh, well, like all things, take it as it comes, I suppose.
I have gained a few unwanted pounds lately, so I think that helps deter me from any thoughts of drinking. No need to add pointless, poisonous calories to the mix.
I will always be a work in progress, but the tools and insight that I have gained here from you all and others at SR, from reading and from my own sobriety process, have kept me solid in my sobriety and for that, I am eternally grateful.
I am not sure why I haven't been here at SR more lately. I seem to go in waves in needing support, plus my kids' schedules have kept us very busy. My parents are coming to visit tomorrow for the first time since Christmas. I am pretty nervous about seeing them. The rest of my family seem to be pretty much "over" them, so I feel pretty stuck in the middle. Oh, well, like all things, take it as it comes, I suppose.
I have gained a few unwanted pounds lately, so I think that helps deter me from any thoughts of drinking. No need to add pointless, poisonous calories to the mix.
I will always be a work in progress, but the tools and insight that I have gained here from you all and others at SR, from reading and from my own sobriety process, have kept me solid in my sobriety and for that, I am eternally grateful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Originally Posted by HDrosebud 
Just want to thank you all for the support over the past year..I will pop on and off SR so if this tread does end I will always be grateful for you all..
I am so thankful for being sober. Any struggles that I've had lately have not been because I wanted a drink, but rather that I wanted to fit in. Case in point, last weekend we moved half (the husband) of the elderly couple my wife and I are watching over into a retirement facility. As a gift for moving in, he received a small bottle of champagne and, of course, wanted everyone to toast. Then at dinner the place gave us a complimentary bottle of wine!
I used the word "struggle", but I mean that only in the weakest of ways. Every day I'm reminded of how much better my life is without alcohol. Whether it's being clear headed the morning after the Super Bowl, being 100% present for my kids in the evening, or feeling physically fit ... the hits keep coming!
I love all of you and I wouldn't be where I'm at today without the support and wisdom all of you so freely shared with me.
Keep on truckin'!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
*chanting* HELL NO WE WON'T GO! LOL
Grab a cup of joe because I have a whole bunch to update on and I'm already long-winded. Where oh where to start??
My 17 year old daughter moved back home and then is gone again. I have pretty reasonable rules - midnight curfew and one of the weekend nights she can spend the night at a friends but the other one she is to be home. Her dad *sigh* he is the perpetual friend. No rules at his place, come and go as she pleases except when he needs a babysitter for our other two (which occurs often when he has them). I have so many issues with the way he does things but there is nothing I can do about it. Acceptance is the only action I can take and it is for my own sanity. I am hoping she and I can get back to a healthy relationship but for now a little space is good all around. Sucks to feel like I failed as a mother. I mean, that has to be the ultimate failure - my own child doesn't treat me with kindness and respect; doesn't want to live with me. She is cold and angry and so self-righteous. Ugh. I will not drink over it though. I do think that is one of the toughest things my family has had to get used to - me putting my sobriety first. If that means going to a meeting, going on a run to reduce stress, not fighting my daughter to stay living with me half the time...then that is what I must do.
Ummmmm let's see. Work. Ermagerd. Work is so busy right now. I am at Sprint and we are going through layoffs still. My group should hear in the next month or so who stays and who goes. In the mean time people are scrambling to prove their worth and look busy. What will be will be and I try to not get wrapped up in the stress of it.
Divorce is all done and I am in the final process of getting my house into my name. Once that is done then everything is a done deal. Put all the utilities into my name last week. I have been going through each room of the house and getting all of his things moved into the downstairs storage area. Last night I finally went through the basement stuff and separated everything out. It feels good to reclaim the house as mine and feel like I am moving forward. Now I just need him to come pick it all up. LOL - that might take awhile!!
Sobriety...last but not least for sure. I haven't been feeling any urges to drink or anything. I definitely want to push my comfort zones this year and do some growing as a person. I have been leading a meeting at my home AA group on Wednesdays at 5:30. It's been going well and helps me practice speaking in front of larger groups. It is a busy meeting with about 40 people. I could have gone with a smaller one but I had to work around my schedule with the kids. Jump in with both feet, I guess.
I am headed to Mexico in a month from today. All inclusive resort. Large group of big time drinkers. You know, I wasn't nervous about being tempted to drink until right now when I realize I am not nervous LOL! Complacency is dangerous but if I can go to Ireland and not drink one of my favorite beers that originates there I think I can do this. I am going with a guy friend of mine and both he and the lady I know who put this together know I don't drink. She doesn't know I am an alcoholic - I have told her it is a weight loss thing mostly because I see her about once a year and it just hasn't been worth the tell yet. All that being said, I am so ready for a vacation!! I also want to take the kids somewhere fun this year so need to start thinking about that. Where to go, what to do, when...I want mostly good memories from this year. Last year sucked!
You guys are a huge part of why I am sitting here sober today; and why I can look in the mirror and love the girl I see there. For my whole life I have hated the person I was and I didn't respect myself or my happiness and I let the people around me treat me that way too. The kindness I have for myself today and what I require from others in the way of respect and love is priceless and I am forever in your debt for helping me get here. This is not my goodbye speech, but rather my recommitting to the group. No more lurking - back to posting regularly. Love you all and thank you for letting me be a part of your journey as well!
Grab a cup of joe because I have a whole bunch to update on and I'm already long-winded. Where oh where to start??
My 17 year old daughter moved back home and then is gone again. I have pretty reasonable rules - midnight curfew and one of the weekend nights she can spend the night at a friends but the other one she is to be home. Her dad *sigh* he is the perpetual friend. No rules at his place, come and go as she pleases except when he needs a babysitter for our other two (which occurs often when he has them). I have so many issues with the way he does things but there is nothing I can do about it. Acceptance is the only action I can take and it is for my own sanity. I am hoping she and I can get back to a healthy relationship but for now a little space is good all around. Sucks to feel like I failed as a mother. I mean, that has to be the ultimate failure - my own child doesn't treat me with kindness and respect; doesn't want to live with me. She is cold and angry and so self-righteous. Ugh. I will not drink over it though. I do think that is one of the toughest things my family has had to get used to - me putting my sobriety first. If that means going to a meeting, going on a run to reduce stress, not fighting my daughter to stay living with me half the time...then that is what I must do.
Ummmmm let's see. Work. Ermagerd. Work is so busy right now. I am at Sprint and we are going through layoffs still. My group should hear in the next month or so who stays and who goes. In the mean time people are scrambling to prove their worth and look busy. What will be will be and I try to not get wrapped up in the stress of it.
Divorce is all done and I am in the final process of getting my house into my name. Once that is done then everything is a done deal. Put all the utilities into my name last week. I have been going through each room of the house and getting all of his things moved into the downstairs storage area. Last night I finally went through the basement stuff and separated everything out. It feels good to reclaim the house as mine and feel like I am moving forward. Now I just need him to come pick it all up. LOL - that might take awhile!!
Sobriety...last but not least for sure. I haven't been feeling any urges to drink or anything. I definitely want to push my comfort zones this year and do some growing as a person. I have been leading a meeting at my home AA group on Wednesdays at 5:30. It's been going well and helps me practice speaking in front of larger groups. It is a busy meeting with about 40 people. I could have gone with a smaller one but I had to work around my schedule with the kids. Jump in with both feet, I guess.
I am headed to Mexico in a month from today. All inclusive resort. Large group of big time drinkers. You know, I wasn't nervous about being tempted to drink until right now when I realize I am not nervous LOL! Complacency is dangerous but if I can go to Ireland and not drink one of my favorite beers that originates there I think I can do this. I am going with a guy friend of mine and both he and the lady I know who put this together know I don't drink. She doesn't know I am an alcoholic - I have told her it is a weight loss thing mostly because I see her about once a year and it just hasn't been worth the tell yet. All that being said, I am so ready for a vacation!! I also want to take the kids somewhere fun this year so need to start thinking about that. Where to go, what to do, when...I want mostly good memories from this year. Last year sucked!
You guys are a huge part of why I am sitting here sober today; and why I can look in the mirror and love the girl I see there. For my whole life I have hated the person I was and I didn't respect myself or my happiness and I let the people around me treat me that way too. The kindness I have for myself today and what I require from others in the way of respect and love is priceless and I am forever in your debt for helping me get here. This is not my goodbye speech, but rather my recommitting to the group. No more lurking - back to posting regularly. Love you all and thank you for letting me be a part of your journey as well!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Originally Posted by Cynderino
You guys are a huge part of why I am sitting here sober today; and why I can look in the mirror and love the girl I see there. For my whole life I have hated the person I was and I didn't respect myself or my happiness and I let the people around me treat me that way too. The kindness I have for myself today and what I require from others in the way of respect and love is priceless and I am forever in your debt for helping me get here. This is not my goodbye speech, but rather my recommitting to the group. No more lurking - back to posting regularly. Love you all and thank you for letting me be a part of your journey as well!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Wow, these posts have touched me so much, you guys. I am so happy that there were no farewell speeches among them. My visit with the 'rents went very well. I try not to pin a lot of hopes on this, but I did savor the moment.
Your posts, as usual, gave me a lot of insight about myself. Whodey, I think a huge part of my drinking problem has always been my need to "fit in." When I was young, drinking was my ticket to being "cool." Now, I truly don't miss the actual physical action of drinking and all of the dreaded side effects, but I still hate feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb with my family and friends. Cyndi, I feel like I am just starting to get to know the real authentic me, and since so much of the old me was a codependent people pleaser, I am afraid sometimes that others aren't going to be crazy about the new me and that is an internal struggle that I am working on. That's for helping me clarify these things, Tobers.
Love you dearly. Have a wonderful night.
Your posts, as usual, gave me a lot of insight about myself. Whodey, I think a huge part of my drinking problem has always been my need to "fit in." When I was young, drinking was my ticket to being "cool." Now, I truly don't miss the actual physical action of drinking and all of the dreaded side effects, but I still hate feeling like I stick out like a sore thumb with my family and friends. Cyndi, I feel like I am just starting to get to know the real authentic me, and since so much of the old me was a codependent people pleaser, I am afraid sometimes that others aren't going to be crazy about the new me and that is an internal struggle that I am working on. That's for helping me clarify these things, Tobers.
Love you dearly. Have a wonderful night.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
DD ... My wanting to drink to fit in is a recent development. Alcohol was always an escape for me. Early sobriety was learning how to deal with issues head on and not run and hide behind a bottle. I'm proud to say that I've made a lot of progress in that area.
I suspose it's normal to feel a bit of an oddball in certain social circumstances given the prominent role of alcohol at times. I'm sure this will get easier with time.
The elderly gentleman who we moved to a retirement facility this past weekend called me and asked that I bring him a liter of gin. His doctor told me in the past that he was fairly certain that my friend is an alcoholic, but that at this stage of his life change is extremely rare. Last night I went into the liquor store that I used to frequent and purchased the gin. I felt extremely uncomfortable. Too many memories and too much temptation. I probably should ask my wife to make future purchases.
Keep on rockin' Tobers.
I suspose it's normal to feel a bit of an oddball in certain social circumstances given the prominent role of alcohol at times. I'm sure this will get easier with time.
The elderly gentleman who we moved to a retirement facility this past weekend called me and asked that I bring him a liter of gin. His doctor told me in the past that he was fairly certain that my friend is an alcoholic, but that at this stage of his life change is extremely rare. Last night I went into the liquor store that I used to frequent and purchased the gin. I felt extremely uncomfortable. Too many memories and too much temptation. I probably should ask my wife to make future purchases.
Keep on rockin' Tobers.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Whodey - I totally understand the uncomfortable feeling of going into your old liquor store to buy booze. This guy I am seeing (nothing serious!) is a drinker and I will pick up beer for him from time to time and it always takes me back to how it was when I would buy for myself. The daily oppressing guilt I felt entering the aisle every.single.time knowing I drank too much, was there too often and that "at some point" I needed to get it under control comes right back to me like it was yesterday. I don't want to be afraid of alcohol because that gives it power over me. It is uncomfortable when I am reminded of why I am here sober today. Not having a way to check out at the end of the day into a bottle (or two) of wine is uncomfortable. Feeling emotions, good and bad, that I haven't confronted in years is uncomfortable. Telling people my innermost thoughts on a regular basis is uncomfortable! I wouldn't trade any of that because I have been given so many good things as a result of getting sober. (Gotta run to a meeting. Be back in a bit to respond to DD)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Cindy, those are great reminders. Seems silly to complain about being uncomfortable not drinking when I consider all of the uncomfortable emotions I used to feel because of my drinking.
I don't know if people have been following the two Cleveland Brown players dealing with substance issues. Josh Gordon received a minimum one year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy and Johnny Manziel checked himself into a treatment center last week. I hope these two find the means to get their lives under control.
On the drive into work this morning, I heard Cris Carter discuss his own battle with drugs and alcohol. It was extremely affirming to hear his story and how he makes himself available to players who reach out to him for help.
In my area we are facing a heroin epidemic. I was reading a story yesterday which stated that last year the police encountered a heroin-related traffic accident about once a week. So far this year, they are seeing an accident on average every day. Chilling.
Peace.
I don't know if people have been following the two Cleveland Brown players dealing with substance issues. Josh Gordon received a minimum one year suspension for violating the NFL's substance abuse policy and Johnny Manziel checked himself into a treatment center last week. I hope these two find the means to get their lives under control.
On the drive into work this morning, I heard Cris Carter discuss his own battle with drugs and alcohol. It was extremely affirming to hear his story and how he makes himself available to players who reach out to him for help.
In my area we are facing a heroin epidemic. I was reading a story yesterday which stated that last year the police encountered a heroin-related traffic accident about once a week. So far this year, they are seeing an accident on average every day. Chilling.
Peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I have two white wine bottles in my refrigerator. They have been there since before Thanksgiving as I had bought them in for my parents, who miraculously did not drink at our home on Thanksgiving. White wine was never my drink of choice. Red wine is my poison. However, I am amazed at how often my mind goes to those bottles. I have ancient liquor bottles in my bar area that never cross my mind. Your reaction at the liquor store, Whodey and my thoughts going to the wine in the fridge are just another set of reminders that we aren't "normal" drinkers. Here we all are, sober for well over a year, and still feel a little fragile in the face of alcohol.
Cindy, I remember loading up at the grocery store on alcohol for a typical weekend or family event and more than once having a clerk say that they wanted to come to my house for "the party." Right. What party? But, of course, I would always fake it.
Cindy, I remember loading up at the grocery store on alcohol for a typical weekend or family event and more than once having a clerk say that they wanted to come to my house for "the party." Right. What party? But, of course, I would always fake it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Yeah, I still get amazed when during a group dinner there are people who don't empty their wine glasses. What's up with that?!
DD ... as you stated ... just reminders of how we weren't normal drinkers!
Carry on Tobers!
DD ... as you stated ... just reminders of how we weren't normal drinkers!
Carry on Tobers!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Well, none of it is silly. I just like getting the reminders. Keeps my head in the right place!
I hope those dudes get the help they are looking for too. I have noticed a growing trend of understanding in terms of addiction. Or maybe I am just more aware of it now, but it seems to be a regular topic in non-recovery news type channels. I like to think that if the taboo around being an addict were to lessen perhaps it wouldn't take people so long to get help. I know for me, shame kept me from seeking outside help and I only really felt comfortable in the online, anonymous setting. Walking into an AA meeting was super scary too because I thought for sure I would see someone I know - someone who would out me. Maybe I would have gotten help sooner if I understood, truly, how many of us from all walks of life have this same problem.
WD - heroin has always scared me. I know we have a problem with it around here too. Kids in the high schools here like to pop pills but apparently heroin is easier to come by. This frightens me so much having 3 kids of my own. I know my teen has experimented with pot and alcohol lately and I can only hope and pray she leaves it alone.
DD - I'm glad to hear your visit went well. It's like a roll of the dice with an active alky. I started drinking to fit in as well. I always felt like there was nothing special about me and when I got to middle school it was quickly apparent that I wasn't in one of the stereotypical cliques. I wanted people to like me and throwing parties and drinking was a means to end for me in that way. My house was the place to be, I knew ways to get alcohol and drugs, and it didn't matter what group you hung out with - everybody showed. My whole identity was wrapped up in that party girl. I was really scared to let that go when I was thinking about quitting. This last year plus I have really gotten to know who I am and what I have to offer outside of the party scene. Turns out people still like me and want to be around me (what a relief!) - most importantly ME.
Back to work for me!
XOXOXO
I hope those dudes get the help they are looking for too. I have noticed a growing trend of understanding in terms of addiction. Or maybe I am just more aware of it now, but it seems to be a regular topic in non-recovery news type channels. I like to think that if the taboo around being an addict were to lessen perhaps it wouldn't take people so long to get help. I know for me, shame kept me from seeking outside help and I only really felt comfortable in the online, anonymous setting. Walking into an AA meeting was super scary too because I thought for sure I would see someone I know - someone who would out me. Maybe I would have gotten help sooner if I understood, truly, how many of us from all walks of life have this same problem.
WD - heroin has always scared me. I know we have a problem with it around here too. Kids in the high schools here like to pop pills but apparently heroin is easier to come by. This frightens me so much having 3 kids of my own. I know my teen has experimented with pot and alcohol lately and I can only hope and pray she leaves it alone.
DD - I'm glad to hear your visit went well. It's like a roll of the dice with an active alky. I started drinking to fit in as well. I always felt like there was nothing special about me and when I got to middle school it was quickly apparent that I wasn't in one of the stereotypical cliques. I wanted people to like me and throwing parties and drinking was a means to end for me in that way. My house was the place to be, I knew ways to get alcohol and drugs, and it didn't matter what group you hung out with - everybody showed. My whole identity was wrapped up in that party girl. I was really scared to let that go when I was thinking about quitting. This last year plus I have really gotten to know who I am and what I have to offer outside of the party scene. Turns out people still like me and want to be around me (what a relief!) - most importantly ME.
Back to work for me!
XOXOXO
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 358
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons
Cindy, I remember loading up at the grocery store on alcohol for a typical weekend or family event and more than once having a clerk say that they wanted to come to my house for "the party." Right. What party? But, of course, I would always fake it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Hi, guys. This week was a week of mindfudge with my AM. Since Christmas she has been on amazingly "good behavior" or at least, made a major effort to hide her issues from me, but after our very nice, sane, sober visit this week, she called me the next day entirely hammered. Again, to focus on the positives, watching her decline pathetically into her alcoholism more than helps me stay sober. Sometimes I literally HATE alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
I'm sorry DD.
Thursday after work I went to visit the elderly gentleman we've been watching over (the one who wanted me to bring him some gin). When I arrived at his room at 4 pm, he was slumped on the couch, completely disheveled in appearance and his speech was slurred. Awesome.
He had requested that I bring him a bottle of gin, which I did, and when putting it into his pantry, I found a larger bottle that he had already put a serious dent into. Turns out he was able to get the "shuttle driver" to take him to the liquor store a day or two earlier.
I had to get him dressed (like I was dealing with a one year old) before we could go to dinner. Dinner was with a couple that are old friends of his and there was no hiding his condition. I felt embarrassed for him.
Until now, I had been spared having to deal with an alcoholic. It certainly puts my past behavior in perspective and serves as a reminder of how I never want to return to that life. Such a waste.
My wife is out of town this weekend, so it's just me and the two kids. Prior to October 2013 this would have been a prime drinking weekend. As it is, I will be a sober chauffeur all weekend! Fact is, I'm not sure my wife would have gone out of town when I was drinking. If she did, she would have worried tremendously. Yet another example of how my life ... and my family's life ... has improved since I got sober.
Now for something lighter on a Friday ...
Thursday after work I went to visit the elderly gentleman we've been watching over (the one who wanted me to bring him some gin). When I arrived at his room at 4 pm, he was slumped on the couch, completely disheveled in appearance and his speech was slurred. Awesome.
He had requested that I bring him a bottle of gin, which I did, and when putting it into his pantry, I found a larger bottle that he had already put a serious dent into. Turns out he was able to get the "shuttle driver" to take him to the liquor store a day or two earlier.
I had to get him dressed (like I was dealing with a one year old) before we could go to dinner. Dinner was with a couple that are old friends of his and there was no hiding his condition. I felt embarrassed for him.
Until now, I had been spared having to deal with an alcoholic. It certainly puts my past behavior in perspective and serves as a reminder of how I never want to return to that life. Such a waste.
My wife is out of town this weekend, so it's just me and the two kids. Prior to October 2013 this would have been a prime drinking weekend. As it is, I will be a sober chauffeur all weekend! Fact is, I'm not sure my wife would have gone out of town when I was drinking. If she did, she would have worried tremendously. Yet another example of how my life ... and my family's life ... has improved since I got sober.
Now for something lighter on a Friday ...
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
Have a great day Tobers!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 353
Originally Posted by WhoDey
Until now, I had been spared having to deal with an alcoholic. It certainly puts my past behavior in perspective and serves as a reminder of how I never want to return to that life. Such a waste.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Dee, I have gone to a few alanon meetings, but in my area, they seem to be more focused on spouses of alcoholics. I felt a bit of a fish out of water, like a drama queen. I really do need to stop giving my mom so much headspace. That is my recovery goal this year.
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