teodor

So I go again ... it's day 1 ... I smoked last in the morning, then started freaking out and called some friends to try and get some. I didn't succeed in finding (better that way) so here we go again ...

I feel really tired, can't eat, have no appetite and honestly I don't feel really sure about the whole thing in terms that I'm afraid and not sure if I'll feel better, but I definitely should stop at least for some time, because it's just dragging me down big time - spending lot's of money I don't have, not being able to work - I just have no motivation even though I'm broken big time ...

I'm afraid of losing weight, being depressed, panic attacks and etc ... but in the same I want to have a break from smoking - I want to see how my life will be if I don't smoke for at least some period (say 1 year omg that's a lot).

On the other hand I'm afraid of missing out on parties and etc, but also I don't want to be always thinking on how to get, if there will be any and etc.

I'm not sure how to proceed with booze as well - I don't drink a lot, but lately I've started drinking some more beers and sometimes hard stuff as well, but not as often.

I'm not sure if I want to cut off alcohol completely as well, I want to be able to get a little bit wasted but I don't want it to interfere with my non smoking and that's really possible, because last time when I stopped smoking it seemed that If I'm drunk I'm more likely to relapse, but maybe I just need better self control.

So again I'm rumbling and stuff but just so much going on in my head.

Interesting how when you still smoke and think of stopping, especially if you just have smoked, it seems so easy and you're thrilled and everything and you just can't wait to jump in, but when you actually do and the high wear off you're like - omg noooo.

I still fantasize (even though I haven't stopped really yet) about recreational use in the future, but I've doubts if that's even possible.

But anyways I need to stop for at least some time so that I can get my life in order, because right now it's a little bit of mess ...

And then we'll see how it goes, so baby steps one day at the time ...

I'm really concerned about the weight and eating thing, I even bought some "Zofran" (read in internet that helps with vomiting and nausea) but not sure if I should use it or not.

Any ideas, suggestions, motivational words and etc will be greatly appreciated!

I'm afraid of all the thoughts, feelings, dreams and other stuff that will come knocking on my door now that I've stopped.

Thank you really for being here, even if I don't post, I check in here reguraly reading others posts and etc. I find great source of knowledge, motivation, courage and help here on SR.

Thank God I found you and may God be with us all on our journey.

I thought it would be a short post, but it's not and there's sooo much on my head that I want to share ...

Wish me luck!!! Thank you and good luck!!!

racingthoughts

The fear of withdrawal is almost worse than the withdrawal itself. It will be tough, but doable.

You'll never have to call your friends/dealers in a panic when you run out EVER again. You'll never have to go through withdrawal EVER again.

Don't look a year into the future. Just try not to smoke for 24 hours, and hope that tomorrow will be a bit better, because it eventually will be. I feel like when an addict has a magic date in mind, they're just setting themselves up for relapse. It's like a dieter having a magic weight goal, only to be unsatisfied with the results when they get there and then go back to eating junk food. Quitting won't make life sparkly and magical. It'll leave you with well, life, along with all of its ups and downs. You'll be free to live it as you wish though. A responsible adult modifies their behavior to meet their goals. An addict modifies their goals to meet their behavior.

Yes, your appetite will almost definitely suffer at first, as it seems to already. It should be back in a week or two. Force yourself to eat something. Toast, a little protein if you can, anything. Workout if you can. Drink enough water and cranberry juice until you're going every twenty minutes. Limit caffeine if you can if it's something you normally drink. Your body's already going to be on overdrive, and it doesn't need any more stimulation.

Don't expect to be motivated to do much for a while. Treat yourself like you're sick. You're quitting a freaking addictive drug for god sakes. It's not fun. You've been traveling down the wrong road, and now you have to bushwhack for a while to get back on the right one.

Smash your paraphernalia, throw out any trippy/weed related posters and clothing. Delete your dealer's number. I'm serious. Make it very difficult for yourself to go back. You're going to inevitably have moments of weakness during this, and not having your old setup right in front of you makes them much more manageable and less psychologically torturous. Don't think of smoking as an option anymore.

The first time I quit, I tried drinking in moderation. I didn't enjoy it particularly, but still wanted to feel cool or whatever. Alcohol activates the same reward system in your brain that weed does and keeps it from properly rewiring. This can very easily lead to an addiction swap or a return to what you really want to do. I was 4-5 beers deep when I relapsed and flushed six months of clean time down the toilet. It may sound harsh, but you HAVE to change your thinking in order to stay clean long term, which is what killing an addiction requires. You may find the party lifestyle less appealing when you have clean time under your belt. I will tell you that while alcohol in early recovery may seem to numb your withdrawal symptoms if you choose to drink, they will be five times worse when it wears off. Being around all of that **** chips away at your resolve over time.

It's scary I know. The fear you're feeling is something every recovering addict has experienced. I'd look for support beyond the internet too. Not that SR isn't great, but an anonymous website does have its limitations IMO.

I'm glad you're hopping on the train with us teodor. PM me anytime you need to. You are absolutely not alone in this.

Stay strong friend!

happycampers

Great advice there, RT !!! And I second the thing about alcohol ! I too am not a big drinker , two beer is almost always it, but I found in the past quits, when I held onto alcohol as an ocassional escape, it was always the cause for a relapse. It was enough booze to bring my inhibition down and weaken my resolve and then just walk a half a block away and buy a bit of pot, just to start the whole crazy train up again! I am quit now of both and find my resolve only getting stronger each day to be done with this crap for good !!! I love how much calmer my mind is and how much more at peace I am - I hate being caught by craving and all the mental real estate it takes up! Every night I count on my fingers all the great benefits there are of being free and count again , all the crappy stuff I don't miss ! Just focus on getting through the first week, Teodor ! Then the first month- that's enough for now !

teodor

Thank you so much for your help RT and happy!

Really good points out there RT. About deleting my dealers number - I own him money so I've to find the money, call him and give them back, so I'll have to see him anyways. Also the temptation is always around, I mean even if I delete it, I can always find it back or get from another place if i want it that bad.

I too have noticed the link between alcohol and pot. Thing is I'm scared that I won't be able to enjoy anymore parties and stuff like that ... not that I go a lot , even rarely, but ... you know when you get drunk and stuff, girls, music, etc ... but is that a real joy being all wasted and drunk and high ? Maybe not ... are those girls worth it and the music and so on ... maybe I'll find better joy not being wasted and stuff ... maybe I'll find better girls that way too ... dunno ... I'm not a drinker normally although I noticed my drinking going up lately together with the pot. Maybe that's something to be cautious about. It's just that giving pot and alcohol leaves me with nothing to buzz my mind and feel different and that seems scary, I'm just so used to it.

What about the "Zofran" ? You think it's a good idea ? I've bought it on my previous stop, but never used it. I just want to be able to eat normally, train, and gain, not loose weight.

About seeking professional help ... dunno ... there's this person I know who deals with dependencies, but she has no experience with weed apart from my case. She does mostly nicotine and has some experience with alcohol if I'm not wrong. Also I've no money for that right now ...

I barely ate last night, couldn't finish it, felt sick and even though it's hot here, I got big blankets, wrapped around them, because I got some kind of fever, I was sweating and cold at the same time and really tired and sad.
Slept for more than 12 hours straight, sweating a lot and stuff ...

I was crying and stuff, even cried some today as well. Also mild panic attacks.

It doesn't really help that I've tons of stuff and stress on my head right now and also being financially broken ...

But one day at the time, I'm doing this, because if I don't stop the pot, it will stop me from having the life I want and do the stuff I want.

So here I am rambling again, but writing just feels therapeutic and knowing there's somebody to read it, feel it and answer it means a lot !!!

I just started but it already feels kind of good to not have to organize my everything around smoking pot ...

So Day 2, here I come!!!

happycampers

For now, just focus on getting through this first week and drag yourself to the gym and whatever you can . Go for a good walk , in nature , if you can. Drink water. Watch a movie or two and let your brain relax. You don't have to figure everything out right now. Just focus on what you can do to help yourself today, Teodor !

racingthoughts

Congrats on making it to day 2 teodor. No more day 1s if you stay on this path.

I feel you sooooo much on the hesitancy to not want to stop drinking/partying. I used to seek out as many one night stands as I could land. Now when I look back, NONE of them have been even close to jeopardizing my sobriety over. In general though when I'm not smoking, I have much more game and motivation to put myself out there with members of the opposite sex. I've gone to bars and parties sober, and everyone honestly seems like kind of a neanderthal. In terms of your increase in drinking, I can't tell you how many friends I have who used to just be potheads, but now get drunk (and I mean drunk) 4-5 times a week on top of that. It's a slippery slope domineered by the progressive nature of addiction.

The first time I quit, I had an inordinate amount of stress piling on top of me. There will be no perfect time to quit ever. It seemed way more manageable within a week or two. My first semester off pot I had a 3.7 GPA. Not that I had a super sonic surge of motivation or anything, everything just seemed less overwhelming. No spacing out in a stoned trance during class. No more embarrassing presentations where I spoke at the rate of one word every five seconds and eventually lose my train of thought anyways.

Keep prodding. The primary battle of your life at the moment is just making it through each day. Everything else will fall into place.

teodor

Thank you very much for your continued support!

Day 2 is so far ok, but some strange thoughts are coming like - "maybe I shouldn't stop at all", or "maybe I could moderate" or "why the heck I started this topic, now I feel obligated and everything is out there for everyone to see on top of it" and stuff like that, which is non sense, because I know why I started it and I know I can't continue the way I used to and yet there's this voice telling me that I'll be missing out, that I could moderate, that there are people that are able to moderate (not absolutely sure in that though) and stuff like that (which lead me to my relapse after those 3 months).

It's just that when you smoke you want to stop, when you stop you're not that sure anymore ... was it like that with you ?

It's a BIG dilemma. I want to have a sober and healthy life, but in the same time I would like to be able to get wasted and high from time, but those two don't seem to go together well or not at all even.

Omg I'm rambling again ... anyways thank you so much for everything, it really means a lot to have you guys since most if not all of my friends and etc are having a hard time or not being able at all to understand pot addiction as it is.

So here we go forward and forward. I think I'm gonna go do some training now and see how it goes!

teodor

Another thing I noticed is when I stop I feel more lonely, I've more obsessive thoughts and I start regretting things from the past, missing people from the past also, feeling guilty for things I did and did not and stuff like that ... have you noticed the same thing with you ?

racingthoughts

Yup, sounds about right. All the loneliness and negative emotions you've been numbing for years come back and hit you all at once. They don't go away when you smoke, they get bottled up inside you. A lot of people (particularly weed addicts) turn their nose up at the idea of 12 step meetings, but they would probably be helpful in the loneliness department. Just an idea. Like everything else, it all passes.

Incontrol15

Hi Teador. I am a MJ addict too. All day every day for the longest time. I sold as well, so I was in it big time.

I feel what you're going through. Nobody enjoys feeling like death. Nobody enjoys wicked anxiety or deep depression. It is hard. But you have a lot of awesome advice from a couple real stand up people.

Here's my 2 cents...
Read again what they said. They're spot on.
What will help you the most is taking care of the basics. Drink a lot of cranberry juice and water, take your vitamins, eat, rest, go for walks or run or ride a bike.

If you don't take care of the basics, you are dragging out the process and making it worse in the meantime.

Good for you making the decision to take your life back. Just imagine where you would be today if you had all the money you spent on weed. Imagine where you would be in life if you were focused and continuing to improve/grow.

teodor

OK guys so good news and bad news.
Good news is I'm determined to go on.

Bad news is I smoked today.
So here it goes:

I was feeling all crappy and stuff and decided to gatter all the crunches I found mostly from my keyboard (omg) and smoke them.

It didn't brought any relief, only made me feel worse.

Then I went to the gym, got some energy supplements and started working out. When I weighed myself I noticed that I've lost 2 kg in 2 days !!! That made me feel awful and really demotivated.

Also in the very beginning of the training I started sweating like crazy, but I mean big time and then I got sick and had to stop and go home.

Before that I bumped into this friend of mine who wanted me to get him some pot and so I did and yes - I smoked and even got some from him for later.

I smoked some of it, then just couldn't do it anymore, flushed all what was left in the toilet and threw all my paraphernalia.

This time I'm determined to go on, no matter what ... It seems to be always the same but just getting worse. It reminded me of this song, no that I particularly like it, but the sentence really fits into the situation - "All that I've compromised, to feel another high" and the high is not even high anymore, I mean I rarely get the good highs that I used to. I don't know if I'll ever smoke again, but even if I do, i want to be really further in the future - I just want to see what can I accomplish and how my life would be if I stop smoking and focus more on other things instead.

Thank you so much for your continued support, it means a lot to me, especially now, when I failed once again to stay sober ...

Is just that the physical withdrawal got really nasty on me, but I guess I'm gonna have to pay the price for all the smoking I did and also for freedom. One must learn from his mistakes. I hope I do.

I still have to see the dealer once again to give him back the money I own, so that can be challenging, but doable.

So here I am, resetting the count to Day 1 and looking forward to better future. I hope after writing all this I wont fail it again, because it will be really tough on me. Wish me luck.

So ... Here we Go

racingthoughts

A similar thing happened to me the first time I quit. I'm pretty sure it's actually documented in an old thread here. Made it 24 hours, decided the withdrawal was too much, and then jumped in the dumpster to retrieve my bong. Like you, it only made me feel worse. I quit entirely the next day. You've got the right mentality.

I get that you want to help your friends and all that, but I wouldn't agree to help them find weed anymore. You shouldn't be going anywhere near weed IMO. Nothing good will come from it.

You're doing good. We're all rooting for you. Excessive sweating is a very prominent withdrawal symptom. I'm on day 24 atm. The night sweats have only begun to subside for me within the past week. The first 7 days I was soaking my clothes. Think of the sweating as your body getting rid of all of the nasty toxins.

It's good to exercise as you know, but just do what you feel up for.

You're going to be happy with your decision. Keep at it bud. I know it sucks so much, but you will never have to do this again.

happycampers

Just a gentle reminder of the skills we get learn now and once we practise them and see they work , they're ours for all the future challenges to come ! This IS an opportunity !

http://www.inquiringmind.com/Article...ngTheUrge.html

teodor

RT thank you so much for your help and experience. It means so much to have all this support from everyone here, especially in those hard moments.

Happy thank you! Yes, IT IS an opportunity to get through this and make myself a better life for the future.
The link you've shared gives a 404 error though.

I guess I'm just gonna have to deal with all the crap going out and the brain rewiring and stuff.

The high hasn't completely weared off yet, so I guess tomorrow's gonna be the real deal, but I'm just gonna go for it and hope for the best. It's like being sick.

Thank you again for all your support and hang in there as well !!! It will get better and we will be very happy for our decisions to get rid of it and go for the life we deserve.

Go Go Go

happycampers

Try again, Teodor !

Surfing The Urge - Inquiring Mind

wackybunny

Good to hear the determination. I'd wish you good luck but it's not really luck is it. You can do it, you just have to DO it. It's worth all the stuff you have to go through.
Happy - glad you're still around sharing your positivity.
RT - 24 days already? Fantastic!
Much love to you all.

happycampers

Good to see you WB ! I hope you're feeling well and the little one isn't kicking you too hard ! I'm SO excited for you and your partner !

happycampers

Teodor, a more detailed how to page , if you're interested :

Urge Surfing – Relapse Prevention – Mindfulness

teodor

WB thank you and good to see you! Yes, it's not luck, although luck makes it easier.
Happy - thank you for the additional info!!! I'll check it out.

In the meantime - it's the beginning of the real Day 2.
Day 1 was surprisingly not that bad. My appetite it's still not as it should be, but I was able to eat at least. Also so far didn't got the awful sweating again, but after all it's only the beginning of day 2. I still feel more weak in terms of weight and etc, but I'll hope I'll get it back and I'll gain even more soon. That is something that bothers me a lot, since I train hard to gain and etc., but I just can't continue to smoke only because of that, it's crazy.

I do get some mild cravings, or more like reminders - the moments when you're so used to do it.

RT - I remember you saying that when you've stopped and all of the sudden there were people smoking or talking about it everywhere. I'm able to notice something similar, for example there's this balcony in a building near my space, where so far I haven't seen pretty much anyone. But yesterday there was a party or something and a whole group on the balcony clearly passing the pot and etc. It's more than a year that I live here and it's the first time I see something like that on that balcony. I could hear them laugh and etc, but I was thinking - is that a real joy, is it worth it and etc.

It's interesting how it's only Day 2, but it seems that my thinking is becoming different. Oddly, but from a certain point I'm even more calm maybe. Also I seem to be able to have better conversations and etc.

Also, it seems that, but I might be wrong, not sure, but it's not such a hassle to do the ordinary things like washing, shopping and etc. Life seems to be a little bit more normal. Before everything was an effort, only thing I wanted was to smoke and etc.

I'm frightened as I write this, that it might change and I might want to smoke again, get the cravings and etc. I'm just not sure about it or sure about myself.

I'm not saying I've decided to not smoke ever again, but ... I want to see what it is to be clear minded and what I can achieve ...

I don't think at least at that point that recreational use is for us. We have been using it for self medicating and it has turned on us.

Also I've this friend that was bragging about how she smoke only when she wants to, only in special moments, how she always have it, but she doesn't feel like smoking it, but having talked with her recently she was back to daily smoking and have stopped for a period of time only due to health problems. So much for moderation ... thing is that when she first told me that, I thought it would be possible for me as well, since she's able to do it, especially having in mind that once upon a time we were smoking a lot together. The reason I'm sharing this is to warn you to be careful with such friends and etc. They might be fooling themselves, but you must be careful to not get fooled as well, because there are very few people that especially in live situations we'll share that they have a problem and can't stop it. Problem is also that a lot of them don't believe to have one - they surely believe to be in control. Don't take their words - you know what it is like.

I guess I'll smoke again some day in the future but .... it's about 10 years that I smoke and I could have achieved so much more ... so much more ... I don't want to wake up in 10 years full of regret for the wasted life and opportunities ... because I already am.

Still have problems with motivation and etc, but it seems to be a little bit better, I mean work doesn't seem that scary.

Omg, I wrote a novel again, hope that what I've shared will be of help to others.
Have you noticed some of the things I shared ? What do you think ? How was it with you ?

Gonna go make some breakfast, since I woke up late, still sleeping a lot, it feels like remedy.

Thank you for your support and experience, it means a lot to me !!!
You're AWESOME

teodor

I was thinking also - is it pot the real problem or some things in our characters and mindset that make it the way it is - it's a little bit like the chicken or the egg situation, which comes first ?

Also I noticed when sober one tend to fantasize and romanticize how good it was to be high and etc, but then if you get high because of that you actually regret it and wish to be sober again instead.
The more time it passes, the more it is like that it seems. You just tend to forget all the bad things and remember the few good if any.

And still I'm frightened to not get the urge and the cravings to smoke again. One must stay strong.