wackybunny

It sounds to me like you're doing a really good job of keeping your AV in check. It's hard! Don't believe those thoughts. I went to my old thread and copied some of the despairing thoughts I had from the first several weeks. Thought it might be good to know that someone who was writing these things is now six months free of weed and LOVING it.

"Miserable day. Brain says has had enough of this silly game, joke is over, give me weed NOW. Or else. Brain is swearing at me. Feel like flight or flight (or burst into tears) has kicked in.... I feel so exhausted. Being a total basket case is a lot of work, everything is harder. I don't want to ruin all my work but fantasize about how nice it would be to have one day's rest, one night of feeling warm and fuzzy and sleepy and watch a movie. Instead I have spiky and hard edges. Are we there yet? When will be there?"

Then I relapsed.

"Am just so confused and feeling trapped in this addiction."

Then I quit again.

"I have that question, will I ever be happy again? I hope that in a year from now I can say the same thing, that I quit and I'm truly happy for the first time. Hard to be happy deep down when I know I'm addicted and I can't sit with my natural self and be comfortable."

"Haha Aiko, "the first week awake was.... VERY WEIRD!" I like that. Hard to describe but VERY WEIRD is as close as it comes."

"I read a lot on here and linked sites and this time I'm going to try to go with the flow, not fight the symptoms but try to accept them. We'll see how that goes. It would be so nice if I didn't have a mini breakdown. I do feel depressed but am not sure if that is the lack of weed or all the other stuff. Living sober is the new challenge."

Challenge complete. If I can, I'm sure you can too! I started at 15, was hooked by 16 and stayed that way until 38 years old.

Jerome28

Congratulations on your good work! Stay clean for whatever amount of time that you can. It's always a benefit, no matter how long you stay clean. You'll look back and say; "Wow, I stayed clean for x amount of time!" And that gives you something to work from.

It's really hard to just abstain, it's always best to also do recovery work. Go to meetings either in person, by phone, or online. 12 step meetings are a huge source of strength. Think about getting a sponsor. Read the Marijuana Anonymous text, the NA text, the AA text - those are free online.

racingthoughts

Thanks everyone. Still sober on day 4. Today's been a rollercoaster of anger and euphoria. I almost relapsed when I watched a youtube video of some jackass telling me about "how much better I'd feel after 72 hours". It's still a struggle and I don't feel much better at all (except for a few moments of clarity here and there). I have this mushy feeling in my head, especially when I get angry about it. I've been squeezing my temples all day. I saw a counselor at my college earlier and got a lot of things off my chest. After telling her all my problems and opening up, she tells me that normally they see patients every two weeks and if I'd be okay with that. Are you kidding me! I feel like with my emotional fragility at the moment I should be seeing someone a couple times a week. I told her that if we couldn't do it more often I was going to seek help elsewhere and she told me she's get back to me on it. Ugh, it's just the thought of the video that keeps triggering me and I can't get it out of my head! Anyway, still at it and hoping to make it through my first thc-free weekend in far too long.

happycampers

well, I suggest you figure out some ways to amuse yourself this weekend - go rent some movies, go see some "clean" friends/family, play some video games, whatever it takes, read more stories here at SR, but have a plan. What can you do to keep yourself distracted on your first THC - free weekend !

wackybunny

It definitely took me a while to feel "normal" again. Some people seem to snap back quickly but I was in it for the long haul it seemed. I did get there in the end though, when it seemed like it was taking forever, it still wasn't THAT long. The worst thing was that my brain was not functioning well, cognition totally off the rails. I say just stick with it. You had the right idea that if you get through this, you'll never have to do it again. For me it was a good couple months of weirdness, came in waves, good days and bad days. But don't let that put you off. If it was six months it would still be worth it. Maybe it will be just a week or two for you, who knows. Just keep on track, you're doing so great! Keep posting.

racingthoughts

Probably the most comical thing my AV has told me yet popped into my head tonight. "You're still young. You've been taking advice from people who've been addicted for way longer than you so you have plenty of time to smoke before you're caught up with them". Geez how much has weed messed with my head? Seriously though, today's probably been the roughest day craving wise. Just hoping that I can post back here tomorrow night still sober.

wackybunny

Haha, that is funny. Just think how much harder it would be if you waited as long as I did. And how many more regretful thoughts you'd have about spending your life addicted to something. I really really wish I had stopped SO much earlier, never been addicted in the first place even. I had to give up something that was fully enmeshed with my identity, something I had never been without my whole adult life. And when I did I was shocked to find out I didn't need it at all, not for fun, not for relaxation, not for contemplation, not for artistic inspiration, not to be cool, nada.

Seriously, the AV will try everything it can, it'll tell you all sorts of crazy stuff and be very convincing.

Dee74

Trust me you don't want to be the guy looking back, seriously wondering where 20 years went, RT

D

racingthoughts

So I'm struggling, what can I say? Still sober, but I unfortunately feel my resolve weakening. I thought things would start getting easier, but they're getting worse. The past 24 hours have pretty much been one long unending craving. I'm just worried because I hear about people still dreaming/fantasizing about getting high months into recovery, and I don't think I could take even a few more days of this crap. I've been trying to distract myself, but I'm thinking about weed THE ENTIRE time, especially so when I'm finished whatever I'm doing. Ugh I hate this. My list of reasons for staying sober seems less convincing each time I look at it. Still hanging in there, even if only by a few threads.

wackybunny

A few threads is all you need. I know it's hard, I really do. But you've come so far. You don't want to have to do this over and over again. It's only five days out of you whole life so far. You can do it. Oh, and my cravings did not last months. The mad cravings only lasted a week or so (if I remember). The other stuff lingered (foggy brain). But it's gone now and I really like not having weed ever and not being in a cage of addiction, I truly enjoy it. In the long run you will thank yourself for this.

happycampers

yes, just hang in there. Somewhere I read that up to the first 8-12 days are the toughest and then things will become easier in the sense that you won't be craving EVERY single moment. You're close - just keep pushing through these tough 8-12 days. I know it's tough - believe me , I know, so keep distracting yourself with people , places, and events. At least see how you feel in another week. You'll still have cravings, but you may see that you're learning to manage them better and learning new ways to deal with them.

racingthoughts

Thanks everyone. I wouldn't still be here if not for you guys. I talked to a friend of mine who recently quit weed too today and he gave me some good insight. Still fighting!

wackybunny

You're doing great! This is hard and I'm impressed to hear your progress. I found it totally exhausting. I am woodworking today but thought I'd check in to see how you're doing. If you have the energy for it, a good project helps. If not, just relax and take it easy. I treated myself like I was sick with the flu or something, blankets, movies, SR.

racingthoughts

Thanks wackybunny. Unfortunately today's been the worst day yet and I honestly feel like my willpower's been drained and I'm on the verge of a relapse. I have a ton of schoolwork due this week and I have no motivation to do it whatsoever. I can't really take it easy with all the stress pressing on me and every part of me wants to just smoke so I can forget about not smoking and do the things I have to. The only thing keeping me going is the thought that tomorrow might be better. That thoughts losing strength though as I've pretty much felt worse every day since I started this thing. I keep thinking about if I'm going to have to be on anti-depressants the rest of my life. I haven't gone out this weekend out of fear that drinking will either cause me to smoke or start me on an alcoholic pattern. This has left me feeling left out and isolated, and the thought that sobriety's going to prevent me from having fun the rest of college is really starting to sink in. I'm almost in tears writing this because the ******* voices in my head won't shut the **** up even for a minute. Idk I'm kind of a basket case at the moment. It almost seems like not smoking's holding me back at the moment, but I know this is probably an illusion. I think my roommate and friends who were initially supportive are getting tired of my mood swings. They're saying things like "it's all in your head" and "just smoke then if you really want to". I feel hopeless at the moment and it sucks because you guys have helped me get this far and have been great, but I just feel like I can't take much more of this.

Dee74

How much schoolwork will you do if you're high tho RT - and what about the quality?

I think it's much better to go and relax a bit, take a walk, play a video game, watch a DVD, take a long hot bath and then commit to doing some work after that?

Depression is pretty common in the early days, as is anxiety irritability and amotivation.

All those things did get better for me, but if you're really concerned of course you could see your Dr.

Noones going to force you to take any meds and certainly not for the rest of your life.

As it happens I am on anti-depressant medication for pain reasons and expect to be for the rest of my life. It's not as big a deal as I once thought it was

It really comes down to you can smoke again and start this whole process over...or you can stick it out and see where the new road takes you

with regards to those thoughts - ever hear of urge surfing? It really helped me.

Rather than fighting those throughts - just...accept and observe them...you already know the best outcome is to stay sober...surf through the urges


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

D

racingthoughts

Been trying to urge surf, but it's hard when the urge simply doesn't go away. I had a 3.6 GPA last year and I went to all of my classes high. I'm just trying to figure out if quitting's the right decision or if it's my AV trying to trick me. Still holding in, thanks Dee you've been awesome.

Chrissy58

Hang in there. I know it is tough. I have not smoked pot since Thursday morning. At first it is really hard to sleep. I find exercise does help take my mind off it. Plus I remember how I felt when I was clean. I relapsed last Spring.

It will get better for both of us, if we can only allow ourselves to say no, to smoking Pot

Dee74

Take it from me - quitting is absolutely the right decision.

There's a period of adjustment...but if you've been studying or doing anythign else high so far, you'll be gobsmacked what you can do straight, RT

D

happycampers

I'm not sure what to say other than I know it's tough , but each day will start getting a little bit better. It's a tough mission to rid yourself of a damaging addiction, but at least you're facing it now at your age. I'm 52 and wasted a lot of years getting up the courage to conquer it and not allow it to control me anymore. So, look at yourself as saving yourself from many years of suffering and non-accomplishment because pot surely kills peoples's drive and ambition. Just see if you can take it ONE day at a time right now. Don't let your head spin off into "how am I going to make it through my college years ", etc. That'll surely add to your current stress level and desire to escape that stress. Just get through TODAY, even if you have to go to sleep early.

wackybunny

Aww, I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. I read your post and it sounds so familiar. I was in tears many times. Had great anxiety. I wish I could take it away for you but it's yours to go through. The advice from the others about sums it all up. Maybe read all the posts in this thread from the very beginning to remind yourself.

I had something very important and brain taxing to do right around the time I quit and I began to wonder if I shouldn't put it off till afterwards. Then I realized that there is NO good time to quit - according to the AV. You have just started this school year right? I don't know much about college but I'm guessing the big exams are not for a while yet.

It can be a bit of a wild ride while your brain is adjusting. I felt a lot of relief when I just accepted it, gave in to it. It's OK to be grumpy and crazy and anxious for a while. Your friends will get over it. It won't last forever. It hasn't even been a week yet. In the end it's totally up to you whether you quit. We'll be here for you either way.