HardLessons

Hi Ariesagain

I know I am not all better. If I was I wouldn't be here on SR at least not as a patient so to speak. I am not better & I have a long way to go.

For anyone to draw some conclusion based on what I said recently that I am not being completely honest with my therapist is completely silly. I pay out of pocket for her services. Its also tiring & time consuming. There is no way I would waste my time or money by not telling her the truth. I am not sure where that notion is even coming from.

Ariesagain as far as I know I have only loved one addict in my lifetime. I only love one addict now. There are times I get angry over the situation. Some small amount of hatred sneaks in. All of that anger comes & goes. One & only one strong emotion only ever remains beyond all the other thoughts, feelings, & emotions - & that's love!

All the good & all the bad of knowing here are forever tattooed on my soul. She will always be a part of me. She will never not be a part of me. I will know her for the good & bad of the relationship for the rest of my life. I'm no young kid here. The greater part of my life has already been lived. Realistically a much shorter part remains.

I am damaged now from my relationship with her. I am taking the steps necessary to repair that damage. I am not going to receive electro-shock therapy or a lobotomy which will erase her from my mind. She will remain with me - that is the bottom line.

Yes she is an active addict. She has been an addict for a long time. She is also a human being. She is also a woman. She is also a mother. Because she is an addict does she not deserve the other titles too? Does she not deserve love because she is an addict?

I am not defending her for what she is. She is what she is. I know exactly soup to nuts what she is. I also cant with a broad brush stroke just condemn her. There are parts of her which I hate!

As far as the future is concerned, I would never embrace spending any of my time with another addict. I certainly have gained a lot of knowledge & would be on the lookout. I don't fall in love easily. Its only happened to me a handful of times. I don't love or embrace any other addicts. I do have compassion though for anyone who is suffering from this disease. I do not want to endure this type of pain again.

I am not going back to her. I cant. Simple as that. I know I cant.

But as far as I know right now I will always love her. She is part of who I am now as a person. She will always be a part of me.

Thank you for caring about me & your words of advice. I do think about all the advice given to me.

HardLessons

BTW

What I should have said is if I could go back in time for a do over I would go back to when she was 14 years old just before the heroin use started & kidnapped her a$$.

AnvilheadII

that's some pretty magical thinking, HL. you are assuming that with your intervention (power) you could have changed the course of HER addiction. her LIFE.

her life, the course it took, where it is today belongs solely to HER. whether you like it or not. whether it has negatively impacted you or not. for all your attempts to give her support, buy her the moon, show her a different way - what happened? did she change at a core level?

nope. you saw her as something she never was and could not be to you. she "let" you give her money, buy her furniture, come to care for her beyond the altruistic, she cultivated your feelings with notes and cards and gifts, and just like the drug to an addict gave the illusion of promise.

HardLessons

Hi Anvilhead

You are very correct she most definitely towards the beginning of our relationship tried very hard to hide at least some significant portions of her life from me. I don't know if hide is the correct word but she certainly did not disclose them.

As time went on & we spent more time together it became increasingly difficult for her to keep that fassad up. A lot of the truth did come out. All of it certainly not

I did come to know her that's when my inner turmoil started that's when I began my quest to learn about addiction. I think it's coming to know her is a big reason why I am here now. I came to know the real her. Knowing the real her is also the reason I can no longer be with her

In the end you are totally correct no matter how much love, caring, time, emotions, or money I gave. - I could not change her. I did come to learn she can only change herself

Thanks AH

atalose

I don’t think any of us who after seeing red flags, knowing drugs were in play and received unacceptable treatment YET chose to continue the relationship, are innocent victims at all, we were volunteers for it and all in the name of love.

Kind of tells us how mixed up we were/are about what love is.

OpheliaKatz

Difficult words to hear and true.

HardLessons

Atalose

Yes volunteer is correct

I did finally stop volunteering & took back control over my own life.

Good point Thanks

Girl1101

Hey HardLessons, whew went through this entire thread.

I actually feel embarrassed about posting my pathetic story, so many peoples stories here are just moving.

Lots of great advice here.

As I was reading, and when you kept the lines of communication open, in my head I was like "noooo!!!" Lol and then I got to the part where she contacted you and then you were a mess. Yeah contact does that, it takes you backwards. I'm glad you eventually blocked her.

How are you doing so far with the therapy and No Contact? I see that you started this thread a couple of months ago... are you doing okay?

HardLessons

Hi Girl

This thread is my ugly tribute to my experience with addiction.

I wasn’t the drug user but was most definitely caught up & swept away by addition. I volunteered for my part. I made a lot of bad mistakes.

I came to the conclusion to leave that relationship prior to posting my story on SR. So this long thread was about me trying to deal with it all. Trying to deal with a giant mess I created. Trying to deal with my decision to leave.

There is a lot of great information & advice contained in this thread. Certainly I owe a lot of people here on SR (people I don’t really even know) humble thanks for caring enough to help me. I needed serious help.

Today -

Certainly I am much better than when I first posted my story in the beginning of June. In my case, much better is a relative term. I am much better now but still not what I would call good. Each day, I am working on it working through it. I fully knew this was going to be a long bumpy road. I am still in no contact mode & she has not contacted me.

I come to SR & read daily. I don’t post much of anything. Once in a while I feel compelled to say something. I don’t feel I should give anyone advice because I am still very messed up inside from my experience.

I still come to read on SR daily for two reasons:

1. As time goes on, the bad of my relationship with her softens a bit. Those bad memories don’t have the viscous bite they once had. The good of the relationship is still very difficult to deal with. I still love her. I am not ashamed to say that. I read daily on SR to keep the edge (so to speak) as to why I have to stay in no contact. However, the ongoing stories of pain & destruction are overwhelming at times.

2. During my relationship with her, there came a point in time when I was just lurking & reading on SR. I was not a registered user. From this reading, I came to know & understand her in some sense way more than actually being with her. I don’t talk to her or see her any longer - reading here on SR is my link to her. If you can understand what I am saying. There are bits & pieces of her in everyone’s story.

I am sorry for what bring you here. I hope somehow by reading my story it helped you. I wish you peace.

Thanks

atalose

SR was a big time learning experience for me in getting to really know my addict as an addict and not the clean/sober addict I first fell in love with. I came to accept that he/me/us was not unique and that he was no different than most addicts no matter how hard I attempted to convince myself otherwise.

For me reading here is also my link to my ex and in a positive way for myself. Understanding addiction and especially addict behavior showed me that he was not unique, he was A typical of what addicts do, say and act. It helped me de-personalize it. Like he was not drugging at me or because of anything I did or said. He was lying to me, manipulating me, attempting to gaslight me because all of those traits are the foundation addiction builds itself on.

Al-anon and counseling helped me focus on me and SR helped me learn about him, the combo helped me move forward.

HardLessons

Atalose

As usual very well said & thank you for your wisdom. The wisdom here on SR is just astonishing. Never in all my life experienced anything like it. Very humbling.

Yes SR is now my lasting link to her. She & my relationship with her brought me here. She is gone now & I remain here. Being here (SR) isn't an easy place to be. I know some come & go because of that fact. But overall I find great comfort here.

I very much am working on de-personalizing her behavior towards me. I don't want to hold on to anger towards her & it is getting much better.

From the first day I ever met her to the last day I spoke to her (mid July) she was what she was. That was the one consistent fact which never changed. She is what she is - an active addict suffering from multiple addictions. That fact still breaks my heart. But at this point, I do know & understand it.

Thanks

tomsteve

progress!!!

HardLessons

Thank you Tom for all your help. You & Anvil (also others) didn't make it easy for me, but you seriously helped me.

Thank you!

tomsteve

hey, we coulda lied and told ya what ya wanted to hear and ya would have had a real fun time with it.prolly wouldnt have progressed as much as you have iffen we told ya what ya wanted to hear and babied ya,eh?

im proud of ya,HL. youve come a long way in a short time.

Sarahas

You are definitely being used, she knows if she contacts you crying with a laundry list of problems you will take care of it...she may be genuinely upset about everything that is falling apart and may take comfort in the fact that if she comes to you, you're there to help which is a nice feeling, if she didn't have you things would be a lot harder for them...if you're ok with helping out financially, keep expecting this to continue...unpaid bills no food etc...nothing will change on their part. If it's starting to affect you're life negatively, you need to step away. I was in a similar situation I didn't think I was being used, until I started putting up boundaries with him, the only time he would contact me was if he needed something, he would then want to see me. I started telling him yes we could meet but I don't have any money so we could go for a walk instead of me taking him out for lunch, he always passed on the walk and I wouldn't hear from him...so I knew he was only wanting to see me to get something....

Just be cautious, they are masters of manipulation

HardLessons

Sarahas

I’m sorry for your situation. I’m sorry your addict. Manipulated &. Used you

Yes I am well aware of what she does to me. Yes she is extremely good at pushing my buttons & plAying me.

The last time she got me for money was mid to end May. Since then I have taken myself out of the equation. I won’t ever let her manipulate me again. There is just no chance that will. Happen - my choice

I very much appreciate. Your advice & concern for me.

Thanks.

johnnie360

This is so true. My EXAGF's manipulation became pretty bad over time though. It began to become very easy to see through it.

What it did was make me very angry. Angry at her for doing it, and angry at myself for allowing it. I hate to admit it, but anger to the point I wanted to lash out.

But I look back on all the recent arguments, and I did not lash out because it just didnt matter. There is no point in arguing with an addict, and at that point all I wanted for her was to be well, and figured we could deal with all this in therapy.

But after she completely bailed, part of me (a big part of me) wanted to make her suffer for her actions.

It's bad I know.

HardLessons

Hi Johnnie

I have the same feelings of anger & resentment. I know I have been manipulated & used by her. I appreciate being told that she used me - but I know it - I lived it.

I have to take blame for it too. I volunteered for it & embraced it. I created a situation where she could easily use & manipulate me.

But that's all over with now. She cant do that to me any more. She cant do anything to me anymore.

I don't want to hold on to that anger. I don't wish bad for her. At this point I just leave her in god's hands for his will to be done. Whatever that will is.

Yes it is all bad.

Please take care of yourself.

Thanks

OpheliaKatz

My father once said, "if only I had had hard words with your AH, I would have set him straight if I had been firmer with him. And none of this would have happened." That is magical thinking too -- he's also trying to be responsible for the fall out. We have no way to knowing if any other outcome is possible. I feel sad about the things that have happened to me. I read the forums and feel sad about the things that have happened to others. But sometimes, I don't think any of it can be avoided.

HardLessons

Hi Ophelia

Hope you are ok as can be.

Yes it was interesting you quoted Anvil Head magical thinking response to something I wrote. I had a lot of magical thinking going on. Anvil called me out on it. I have a severe flaw when it comes to my thoughts & actions concerning her. Ive had that flaw all along.

Even given all that I know now - I could not deal with her in any healthy manner.

Like what your father said about him having words with your AH he would have set him straight. There came a time when her & I were having heated discussions. Heated words were flying from me & her. It caused a lot of pain & discomfort for both of us. The end result of those heated discussions - nothing changed absolutely nothing.

It only served to further separate our differences. She told me emotionally that she felt I was pushing her away. I wasn't trying to push her away, I was trying to bring her closer. In hind sight, she was right - it did push her away because she didn't want to come in my direction.

While we were still together I gave up totally talking about any of it. That went on for several months. I think she took that as a sign I was just going to go along with whatever type of thing. Guess what happened - she got worse than ever.

Nothing I did ever worked. I don't believe today any different outcome was possible than exactly how it played out. I tried everything absolutely nothing worked.

I hope Ophelia you find peace with your situation.